Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Roof repair man never turned up today. I'm guttered.

Whats E.T short for?
Because hes only got little legs.

My new years resolution is to stop using spray deodorant, roll on next year.

After having no luck ice fishing, my wife suggests that maybe I should stop dropping those one liners.

What is Hollywood's favorite celebrity meat? Kevin Bacon.

On Monday we start Diarrhea Awareness Week.
Runs until Friday.

Q.What do you get when you cross a computer & a burger?
A big Mac!

The automobile tire installer finally retired.

As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way. Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.

Endless love - when Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder play tennis.

What did George Washington tell his men before getting in the boat to cross the Delaware? "Men, get in the boat."

What did the magician use to walk through the wall?
The Door.

What do you call a Bee hive with no exits?

Unbelievable.

I suspected my wife was having an affair with Simon Le Bon.

I confronted her the other night and asked : ‘Is there something I should know?’

Remove all electrons from your mind this year, in other words, stay positive.

I have just seen two 1 quid coins having a boxing match.

That was the best pound for pound fight I've ever seen! ☺️

I told the wife we should name the third kid 'crowd'.
She didn't get it.

Why can't Brachiosauruses do pull-ups?
Because they're extinct.

La clave está en encontrar a alguien con quien aburrirse sea divertido.

— Папа, смотри, сиськи на ёлке!
— Где?! Блин, и за что я логопеду плачу?!

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.

After touring Britain's farmland, one Prime Minister was moved to write a book about it.
She called it:
THATCHER IN THE RYE.

Robin: The batmobile needs a new battery.

Batman: What's a tery?

How do you catch rabbits?
Answer: hide behind a bush and make a noise like a carrot.

My german girl friend used to rate me in bed on a scale of 1 to 10. I never got close to 10 except when i tried anal. She kept on shouting. Ohh nine nine nine.

A man goes to dentist and says “I think I’m a moth”. The dentist says “ So why have you come here then?” And the man says “the light was on “.

I played scrabble with my wife last night.
It's the only way I can get a word in.

I got asked today:
“Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”
I said: “Obviously a lift engineer.”

Interviewer: Your resume says you take things too literally.

Me: “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

Q: Why is the dieting advice to “eat light” so dangerous?

A: That’s how you become a black hole.

I wonder if my Vets receptionist realises how many peoples passwords she knows?

I get paid weekly. Very weakly!

An actor I know kept falling through the floor in pantomime. I think it was just a stage he was going through.

What word starts with "e", ends with "e", and only has one letter in it?

Envelope. 😊

I've just started reading a book about Fort Knox...

but I'm finding it really hard to get into!!.. ☺️

Why isn’t a vet called a Dogtor?

My Dad was a conjoined twin.
I used to call his brother....
my uncle on my dad's side. 😂

Where are the inskirts of town?

Did you hear about the man who got stuck in a washing machine?

Apparently he kept going in circles.

The fungus that causes dandruff is on everybody’s scalp but nobody knows why it doesn’t cause dandruff for everyone. It’s a real head-scratcher.

I'm writing a book about all the things I ought to do before I die.
It's . . . My Oughtobiography.

Just wanna make it clear that "vegan" does not mean "anti-vaxxer". That's a different kind of crazy.

I could be a morning person if morning happened after 11.

Q. Why is Cinderella so bad at soccer?
A. Because she always runs away from the ball!

Why do elephants paint their toenails Pink? So they can hide in a cherry tree without being seen.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? No?
Shows It works, then.

Me: Did you hear about Mr Hippies wife falling into the river
Son: Mrs Hippy?
Me: No the River Thames.

I don't mean to brag but, whenever I undress in the bathroom my shower gets turned on.

Don't kiss your hunny when your nose is runny, you may think it's funny but it's snot.

My New Years Resolution is To have a lot more Sex.
Haven't told the Wife though, don't want her Spoiling It.

"Love is the hardest habit to break, and the most difficult to satisfy."
~ Drew Barrymore

Many years ago I had this crazy idea about writing a novel about the Civil War but then suddenly it was all gone with the wind.

Knowing there would be lots of kissing on New Years Eve, I decided to shave off the moustache.

Unfortunately she woke up when I sprayed the shaving foam on her face!

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan.

Confucius say: Casket put in wrong hole is grave mistake.

What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?

Vitamin see!

I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition.

Just hope I can pull it off.

I just interviewed a guy who used to work at Chernobyl.
He came with a Glowing reference.

Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to factory settings!

What is the opposite of a croissant

A Happy Uncle.

Neil Diamond makes the same healthy smoothie every morning...

Swede, carrots, lime...

What did Al Gores name his electric band?

The Algorithm.

That Fibonacci joke is as bad as your last two. Combined!

I'm in a fish based band. I play the bass.

What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

If you can't make both ends meet.
Make one end vegetables.

If I had a penny for every time I exaggerated, I'd be a billionaire.

Recently, I've tried to make a car without wheels.
I've been working on it tirelessly.🏎🚗🚙

An SEO expert walked into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hostelry, public house.

I'm such a rebel, I eat spring rolls in winter.

For Sale ... Tennis ball machine £100

Had it for over a year now and has served me well.

Some people eat light bulbs.

They say its a nice light snack.

There isn’t a single person who is married.

- Почему вы хотите развестись?
- Она специально готовила все без соли, чтобы я думал что у меня ковид!

All batteries are basically the same. They all have their plusses and minuses.

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, “My girlfriend would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
He said, “We haven't got a Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
I said, “You have now mate".

Praying mantises don’t all have the same religion...they’re in sects.

Praying mantises don’t all have the same religion...they’re in sects.

I got the sack from the ice cream factory because I refused to work on a sundae.

I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the W's.

Wife: "Can you tell me why I found photos of naked women on your phone?"
Husband: "Because you’re a nosey fucking twat!"