Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I used to be a motorcycle courier....

Those things are heavy.

"It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages."
— Friedrich Nietzsche

Be careful what you hear about somebody, you might be hearing it from the problem.

Why are pancakes careful about who they hang out with? Because the other guys can be real crepes

I learned to dance at an early age. We only had one bathroom.

I saw a person with no chin and all I could think was.....

How on earth do they change a pillow case..?

There's that moment when you put your steak on the grill, and your mouth waters from that amazing smell. I wonder if vegans feel the same when you mow the grass? 🤔

Two guys reach for the same record and one screams “MINE!!” One guy asks why he said that and the other says “Just for the record.”

I have developed a very intricate plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

A cook got fired for not cutting the vegetables a certain way.
Sorry, no dice.

I was doing a crossword earlier... 7 ACROSS: 'Not very manageable'
CH_L_ENGING
It wasn't difficult.

Health News Tip:
Keep your pepper on the table, but keep your salt 🧂 on the floor. It’s healthier that way. It’s low sodium.

Janitors don't get lost because they have a mop.

Over heard at a parts store.

"I need a headlight"

"What's it for?"

"So I can see at night"

I never finish anything. I have a Black Belt in Partial Arts.

A woman is in court for stealing a tin of peaches.
The judge asked her "how many peaches were there in the tin that you stole"?
She replied "four, your honour".
The judge said I am going to send you to prison for four month's for every peach, take her down.
Then her husband in the public gallery shouted "Your honour, I'd also like to add, she stole a tin of peas too!!"

If a dentist wins a competition for the best teeth cleaning, do they get a plaque??

I was sitting in the window seat of the aeroplane when I thought "They look like ants down there".
Then I realised that they probably were as we hadn't taken off yet.

Today I learned how to track Will Smith in the snow. Just follow the fresh prints.

How did the nucleus escape from prison?

Through the cell wall.

A woman hangs up after about a half-hour on the phone.
Her husband is surprised: "Wow, that was quick love- usually you are at it for two hours at least!"
Wife replies: "Yeah, well, it was a wrong number."

Every girl keeps an extra boyfriend & calls him bestfriend..

Did you hear about the poor old woman that was living in a tyre?
It burst, and now she's living in a flat.

Went into Boots and asked for a comb, the assistant said "Do you want a steel one" I said "No I'm happy to pay for it"

The most common sexual position for married couples is doggy style...

Where the husband sits and begs, while the wife rolls over and plays dead!

My friend's kid is seeing a child psychologist. I really think an adult would be better.

The cost of living has now become so bad that the wife is having sex with me because she can't afford the batteries!

I asked a prostitute who had no fingers for a handjob, but she just palmed me off!

King Midas wasn't always happy with his special power. He lost many friends and a few pets. All his life he was racked with gilt.

Do not regret past mistakes.
All decisions, good or bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.

Group sex with dwarves is a small perversion.

I saw a Cop on the roof of our local police office this morning, just sitting there thinking.
He had ideas above his station...

To ensure I won't die, I'll forever stay in my living room !

My wife says I'm childish and wants to leave me. I said just 5 more minutes on the swings and we'd go home together.

—Oye, hijo, ¿te castigaron en la escuela?

—No, mamá.

—¿Y esas dos planas? JAJAJAJÁ.

—¡Ya, mamá, deja de criticarle las nalgas a mi novia!

Why are balloons scared of Michael Jackson's music?

Because he is the "King of Pop"

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them."

By William Shakespeare.

The direction is more important than speed... Going 100 miles per hour in the wrong direction is worse than going 1 mile per hour in the right way!!!

What do you call a dog in a submarine?

A sub woofer.

We will continue having meetings until we find out why no work is getting done.

A family of chickpeas was killed.
It was a hummuside.

Teacher: "Simon, can you say your name backwards?"

Simon: "No Mis". ☺️

It's okay to kiss a nun, but don't get into the habit.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted!

I've been wanting to post a trigonometry joke... But I just can't find the right angle.

I've decided to make an elite army of babies.

I'll call them The Infantry.

Bitcoin: it's tech-nickel.

Can anyone remember that chiropractor joke I posted about a week back?

If at first you don' t succeed, bomb defusing is not for you.

Lawyer: "I'm not saying another word without my lawyer present."
Police: "But you are the lawyer"
Lawyer: "Exactly, where's my present?"

Emocionarse por la felicidad de otro es ser feliz dos veces.

What do you say to an elephant in a tree?

Get down!

Listen, if drunk me said or did something, you gotta take it up with drunk me.

Don’t come at sober me because we weren’t there. We don’t know what happened...

Bought a bookcase that requires assembly. Directions are shelf-explanatory.

I got into a taxi this morning and the driver said:
'Do you mind if I put some music on?'
I said: 'No, not at all'..
He said: 'Kiss?'
I said: 'Let's start with the music and see how we feel.'

Just got a new job as a church bell ringer.

It's my first day so they're just showing me the ropes. ☺️

What did the happy cricket say to the sad cricket ?
Chirrup !

If cigarette tax is to discourage smoking, is income tax to discourage working?

Он ушел давно, оставив ей на память лишь учебник Русского языка, а она все еще скучала по ихним прогулкам и евонной улыбке.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized...

I don't even *have* a coconut...

- ¡Cariño, cariño! me han dicho que soy explosiva
- No, no, te han dicho que eres una petarda.

What's the difference between zero degrees and a jalapeno pepper?
One is really really cold, the other is just a little chile.

I was unsuited to become a nudist.

BREAKING NEWS.

A Frenchman has fallen through the roof of a Bakery in Paris.

An emergency services spokesman said
"He is in a load of pain"!

Chemically speaking, the only difference between male and Female is an iron.

Did you hear of the New Year's Eve Cantata that ended with a soprano solo?

They wanted to end the year on a high note.

My friend Tim broke up with his girlfriend Ruth via text message.
Tim is ruthless.

What do you get if you are bitten by a red head?
Gingervitis.

- Фима, как у тебя с Симочкой?
- Мы расстались.
- A шо случилось?
- Я думал, любимая, а посчитал - дорогая!

How do snails fight?

They slug it out. ☺️

I've got the memory of an elephant.
I remember going to the zoo and seeing an elephant.

They say carrots are good for your eyes but i find beer is better, it doubles your vision.

It’s not hard to win the lottery. All you have to do is pick the same numbers they do.

I went to a comedy club the other night and a pig was performing.
Honestly, he was a total boar.

I've just been fired from my job as a human cannonball.

A midge was left speechless after being pickpocketed...he never believed anyone could stoop so low...

Me: What’s black and white and red all over?
A newspaper....
Kids today:
What’s a newspaper?

Spotted a mouse in the house. I took a photo, and although he didn’t say cheese, I could tell he was thinking it.

Can a match box?
No, but a tin can.

If you follow up Amen with Awoman, you are Amoron.