Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Our stupid dog ate all the christmas tree lights. I took him to the vet and they assured me they could whip them out in an hour...

I gave him a little cuddle to reassure him, and his little face lit up!

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size...

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex.
"Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said.
"Actually, I'm not." she replied.
"Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively.
"Having a shit, " wasn't really the answer I was looking for!

Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement...

In the end I ignore it all and click, "I Agree."

I've started a new band called "Blanket'.

We're a cover band.

My mate told me he's thinking about leaving his wife because she hasn't talked to him for the last 2 months.

I replied, "Don't be too fucking hasty. Women like that are hard to find!"

I used to work in a Hand grenade factory.
It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop.

Why is golf a great spor? It's a great SPOR because there is a tee off )

My inventor uncle had no luck.
He was always just missing out.
He invented WD 39 )

Sad news, the Italian chef pasta way.😢

I am a very self disciplined person. I can resist anything except temptation.

Everyone was angry at me for throwing a snowball at my son...
But why completely ban me from the maternity ward?

Взял кредит на огнетушитель. Всё никак не могу погасить.

I think it's a disgrace on society and our education system when after 50 years, most people have no idea who Neil Armstrong is.
.

Or what kind of trumpet he played.

Before I got married I didn't even know there was a wrong way to put milk back in the fridge!

—¡Salí del Closet!
—Ay, ¿Eres gay?
—No
—¿Vienes de Narnia?
—Tampoco
—¿Entonces?
—¿Tu nunca jugaste al Escondite idiota?

If I had 50c every time I failed a maths test...

I'd have $6.30 right now.

My wife and I share a sense of humour.
We have to because she hasn’t got one.

I was shagging this bird over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "That's my husband! Quick try the back door!"
Thinking back, I should have really legged it, but you don't get invites like that every day!

—¿Cómo estás, mi cielo?
—Parcialmente nublado.

I read that 10 out of 2 people are dyslexic.

I'm flying with an Indian airline tomorrow but they only allow curry on baggage.

I was speaking to Matt Damon earlier, he said he wished he'd never been Bourne.

At any given time, the urge to sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" is never more than a whim away.

What do you call a paper airplane that can't fly?
Stationary.

I phoned my local Builder’s merchant for skip hire advice
They told me to use a shorter rope !

The Israelis i'm sure were the first to have Yahoo on the internet, they've had Net and Yahoo for years.

—Dios, ¡estás delgadisíma! Dime tu secreto.

—Vivo en África.

Why do bees stay in the hive in the winter?

Swarm.

The pessimist saw cups half empty.
The optimist saw cups half full.
The lady slapped them both for staring.

Wife: why is that bottle of whiskey you bought today already half empty??

Me: Because you're a PESSIMIST.

You know the difference between a dentist and a sadist, don’t you?
Newer magazines.

A real man doesn't stand there and watch his girl pay for anything.
That's why I wait in the car.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels, she didn't know I existed.

I have an eye joke, its a blinking good one.

Бабушка не отличалась фантазией и поэтому одного кота назвала Вася, а другого Невася.

I'm heading to Greenwich later today. Wondering what I should do in the Mean Time?

‘Laughter’ has an ‘L’ and then much ‘aughter’.

I don't have mirrors in my house,
I mean who wanna see disappointment everyday?

I don't think all those screwdrivers
really belong to Philip.

I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time.

How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb? Just one. They change them into frogs.

Do you know what makes me smile? - My facial muscles.

What swims in the river at 100mph?

A Motor Pike.

If you’ve seen one indoor shopping center, you’ve seen the mall!

- Дорогой, где ты был?
- Бегал.
- Странно, но футболка сухая и совсем не пахнет.
- Тебе надо сдать тест на коронавирус.

A well dressed and wealthy looking couple entered an inline skate store somewhere in the more affluent part of Hollywood. The store clerk greets them warmly:"Good morning Sir, Madam. Please feel free to browse and I will be here if you require assistance", obviously smelling some commission.

"Thank you", acknowledged the couple and soon after they returned to the store clerk with a pair of Dunlop inlines.
"We'll take these", announced the husband
The somewhat snooty store clerk was mildly taken aback said:"Sir I can tell you're here to do business and not waste anyone's time, so why not look at our more exclusive range? We have the best in Nike, Adidas, Reebok, Spalding and many more. Why are you settling for Dunlop's?"

Husband replies:"Oh it's for our daughter's birthday. She just became a teen and this is her first pair of skates. We are happy with the Dunlops for now thank you.", and on that note they paid and left.

Moments later another customer enters and the clerk says:"Morning and welcome. Please feel free to look at our exclusive range with only the best names in sport"

The customer replies:"I just need a pair of cheap skates for every day use"

Clerk signals to the door with his head and said:"Sorry sir, but the last pair just left the shop..."

You want to see my air guitar? Sure which one? The electric or the acoustic ?

A few goths I know where in a band called The Prevention. Much better than The Cure.

Not many ladies at the German food market this morning.
It was a real Sausage fest.

Le dije:Te amo. Me dijo: Gracias.
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They say "if there's a will there's a way", but I say if there's a will there are relatives you never knew you had....

Медиум вынужден был прекратить сеанс, так как не смог собраться с духом.

What did the girl say to the game developer with erectile dysfunction?

Ubisoft.

I get blamed 40% of the time. The other 60% I'm asleep.

If this economy gets any worse the band will have to layoff one of it's Durans.

If a dentist marries a carpenter, will they fight tooth and nail ??

How old were you when you realised you were old?

You have so much inner beauty it's causing swelling.

I have a friend who’s half Indian...

Ian.

— Что будет, если поджечь гея?
— Голубой огонек.

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb? The answer will shock you!

I was driving along this lovely lane when I saw a sign saying "Man digging road". I thought, "It's cool, I'm digging it too, man".

Foreplay requires a lot of beating about the Bush.

Boys don’t cheat, they practice with other girls to be better boyfriends.

- Цилечка, тебе успокоительное в каплях или в таблетках?
- Таки неси уже в рюмке..

On a sign outside a
secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

I don’t want to end this year on bad terms with anyone.

Apologize to me now.

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I apologise for my incessant lightbulb jokes recently.

I was in a very dark place.

"The best way to cheer yourself up is to try to cheer somebody else up."
- Mark Twain's Notebook

— Estoy preocupado doctor, últimamente no puedo recordar nada.
— ¿Desde cuándo tiene este problema?
— ¿Cuál problema?

Why should u buy a WiFi enabled espresso machine?
To get the latest Java updates.

When the girl next door told her friend she thought I was creepy, I nearly fell out of her wardrobe.

My wife has an identical twin sister that I've met once and only once...

I came home early one day when she was visiting and fucking some guy on my settee, but I've never seen her again since then!

Went to the doctor's and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!

I was embarrassed but she said "Don't worry, I'm a professional. I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can"

I said "I think my cock tastes funny!"

—Vamos a coger.
—¿Traes protección?
—Sí, mi mamá me puso suéter y mi abuelita me persignó.
—¡MÉTEMELA YA!

Чтобы наступающий Год Быка был удачным, надо обязательно в новогоднюю ночь вызвать тёлок.

"Right class," said the teacher. "Who can make a sentence with the word 'contagious'?"

Little Johnny threw up his hand excitedly.

"Yes, Johnny?"

"My dad saw our neighbour painting his fence with a little brush, and said it'll take the contageous!"