Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My New Years Resolution is To have a lot more Sex.
Haven't told the Wife though, don't want her Spoiling It.

"Love is the hardest habit to break, and the most difficult to satisfy."
~ Drew Barrymore

Many years ago I had this crazy idea about writing a novel about the Civil War but then suddenly it was all gone with the wind.

Knowing there would be lots of kissing on New Years Eve, I decided to shave off the moustache.

Unfortunately she woke up when I sprayed the shaving foam on her face!

My wife likes it when I blow air on her when she's hot, but honestly... I'm not a fan.

Confucius say: Casket put in wrong hole is grave mistake.

What kind of vitamin improves your eyesight?

Vitamin see!

I’m entering the worlds tightest hat competition.

Just hope I can pull it off.

I just interviewed a guy who used to work at Chernobyl.
He came with a Glowing reference.

Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to factory settings!

What is the opposite of a croissant

A Happy Uncle.

Neil Diamond makes the same healthy smoothie every morning...

Swede, carrots, lime...

What did Al Gores name his electric band?

The Algorithm.

That Fibonacci joke is as bad as your last two. Combined!

I'm in a fish based band. I play the bass.

What do you get when you cross a centipede and a parrot?

A walkie-talkie.

If you can't make both ends meet.
Make one end vegetables.

If I had a penny for every time I exaggerated, I'd be a billionaire.

Recently, I've tried to make a car without wheels.
I've been working on it tirelessly.🏎🚗🚙

An SEO expert walked into a bar, pub, inn, tavern, hostelry, public house.

I'm such a rebel, I eat spring rolls in winter.

For Sale ... Tennis ball machine £100

Had it for over a year now and has served me well.

Some people eat light bulbs.

They say its a nice light snack.

There isn’t a single person who is married.

- Почему вы хотите развестись?
- Она специально готовила все без соли, чтобы я думал что у меня ковид!

All batteries are basically the same. They all have their plusses and minuses.

I walked into a car showroom last night.
I said to the salesman, “My girlfriend would like to talk to you about the Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
He said, “We haven't got a Volkswagen Golf in the showroom window.”
I said, “You have now mate".

Praying mantises don’t all have the same religion...they’re in sects.

Praying mantises don’t all have the same religion...they’re in sects.

I got the sack from the ice cream factory because I refused to work on a sundae.

I got fired from the M&M factory for throwing out the W's.

Wife: "Can you tell me why I found photos of naked women on your phone?"
Husband: "Because you’re a nosey fucking twat!"

When my ice house falls apart igloo it back together.

A man was stabbed with an icicle.
He died from cold cuts.

“You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.”

Do you know how to make a water bed more bouncy ?
Add spring water.

Do you know they call Bigfoot in Europe?
Big meter.

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

A man walks into a fishmongers with a salmon under his arm.
"Do you make fishcakes?" he asks.
"Of course," says the fishmonger.
"Oh good," says the man, "could you make him one it's his birthday!"
😆

- Ну, ты как?
- Совсем вымотала предновогодняя хуета!
- Может суета?
- Нет.

Where is Old Zealand ? asking for a friend )

Knock knock
Who's there?
Dishes
Dishes who?
Dishes the ghost of Sean Connery.

My friend sued the airlines for his missing luggage but he lost his case.

What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

The Salivation Army

What’s good at fighting dry mouth?

The Salivation Army

How do train passengers eat their food?
They choo choo it!

As a Child, I was blessed with a massive penis.
Shortly after they got rid of that vicar.

What sits up a tree and goes "aaaaaah"? An owl with a speech impediment.

Q: What does javascript call his son?
A: JSON 😬

I heard that stop signs were supposed to be square, but the transportation department decided to cut corners... 🛑

My next joke was going to be about Salt N Peppa, but I didn't wanna push it.

A Project Manager is someone who THINKS nine women can have a baby in ONE month...

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could come in and have a look around.
They said no and slammed the door.
Parents can be so cruel.

Bought a new recliner sofa. Apparently if I don’t like it, I can take it back.

The wife asked me if I'd like to see her in something long and flowing on New Year's Eve.

I said, "The Thames would be nice."

I never make plans until I know how I am getting out of them.

I went to the store during the winter and there were gloves everywhere, right and left.

Saw on the news that water beds are trending again. Apparently, new technology has made them better for your back than previous models. They figured out a way to make them more firm and bouncy. Turns out, the new ones are filled with spring water.

What’s the best way for a woman to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.

What do you call a camel that has no hump?
Humphrey.

Rowan Atkinson's next film role is to play a comical character who is unable to satisfy his wife.

'Missed her Bean' is showing in cinemas from Friday.

After grandpa died, I found out I’d only get my inheritance if I got below 200 lbs. I guess where there’s a will, there’s a weigh.

I never thought in 2020 I could go into a bank with a mask on and ask for money.

- На новый год мне подарили путевку в прекрасный мир, где я умен, красив, остроумен и неотразим...
- Бутылку Jack Daniels?
- Да!

Won a prize in the local time travel club raffle. Two tickets to the 1966 World Cup final.

Wife: "You hate my relatives!"

Husband: "No, I don’t!, in fact, I like your mother-in-law more than I like mine." ☺️

Once you’ve seen one Rugby joke, you’ve seen a maul.

I used to install kitchen work surfaces, until I was arrested for counter fitting.

Heard that burglars used a potato to smash a window and gain entry to a local house, but the evidence may have been planted.

My mate was telling me about the Annual Incest competition...

He entered his sister!

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm...

Apparently I ruined that funeral!

Pete the serial flasher was thinking of retiring...

But he's going to stick it out for another year!

Happy New Year!

(I know it's early, but I suffer from premature congratulation)

Why did the octopus cross the reef? To get to the other tide.

Jezus entering the restaurant for the last supper: table for 24 please?

Waiter: but you are only 12?

Jezus: yeah, but we are all gonna sit on the same side.....

—Por ti soy capaz de bajar la luna...
—¿Y para qué la quiero idiota?
—Es una metáf...
—¿Dónde la pondría?
—Pero...
—¡Ay, me cagas pendejo!

Our stupid dog ate all the christmas tree lights. I took him to the vet and they assured me they could whip them out in an hour...

I gave him a little cuddle to reassure him, and his little face lit up!

My dwarf girlfriend has been a bit down recently because people keep remarking on her size...

So to cheer her up when she gets home from work, I've got her flowers, chocolates, wine and I'm going to run her a nice hot sink!

Feeling horny, I phoned the wife for some hot phone sex.
"Tell me if you're wearing any knickers," I said.
"Actually, I'm not." she replied.
"Ooh you mucky little minx. What are you doing?" I asked provocatively.
"Having a shit, " wasn't really the answer I was looking for!

Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement...

In the end I ignore it all and click, "I Agree."