Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I've been seeing a really hot guy for a while now. As soon as he figures it out, he's gonna shut his curtains.

- Согласны ли вы, Сара, быть с Зямой в богатстве и в бедности, в здравии и в болезни пока смерть не разлучит вас?
- Да, нет, да, нет, нет.

My daughter was telling me she talks to tomatoes and asked if I do too? I told her its been awhile and we'd have alot to ketchup on!

I was driving through this Village today and passed a sign that read.
Max Speed 20.
I thought to myself Happy Birthday Max..

A person born in '33 was 45 in '78. Is that a record?

Policeman.. What's your name?

Me.. Wizard of Oz

Policeman.. What's your full name?

Me... Wizard of Ounces.

I got a DVD today on How to Handle Disappointment..
When I opened the case it was Empty..

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's mind. She changes it more often.

I thought I found a mass snowman grave the other day. Turned out it was just a field of carrots 🎄☃️

Мужчина должен быть с деньгами. Поэтому, девчонки, хотите уверенного в себе мужчину - дайте ему денег.

If a gingerbread man sprains his ankle, does he walk with a candy cane?

Short Christmas Jokes

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It's Christmas, Eve !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve !

What do you have in December that you don't have in any other month ?
The letter "D" !

What does Father Christmas suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney ?
Santa Claustrophobia !

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail !

Who delievers cat's Christmas presents ?
Santa Paws !

Why does Father Christmas go down the chimney ?
Because it soots him !

Who delievers elephants's Christmas presents?
Elephanta Claus !

How many chimney does Father Christmas go down ?
Stacks !

Why is Santa like a bear on Christmas Eve ?
Because he's Sooty !

Painter: How is my new painting of Jesus, bro...?
.
.
Friend: You nailed it, mate...!

Three Unwritten Rules in Life:
1.
2.
3.

What did the convict get for Christmas?

A cell phone.

I got a reversible jacket for Christmas.

I can't wait to see how it turns out.

What did Mariah Carey say when her boyfriend bought her an undeveloped property so they could build their dream house?

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

My room mate says I'm schizophrenic, huh, the joke's on him, I don't even have a room mate.

Change is inevitable.

Except from a vending machine.

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

Just 25, cause there’s Noel.

Just been talking to my neighbour who does sewing for a living..

She seamstressed out.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing? They always drop their needles...

My cat has started drinking the local church wine... I thinks he's become a Cataholic...

I'm thinking of going to Romania for a holiday..
I need to Bucharest.

WalMart is closed today so that both cashiers can be with their families.

I went for a drink with the Beach Boys last night. It was alright until I asked whose round it was.

What's got 12 legs and sounds like a pig?
My wife at KFC.

What do call an animal that knows if you're lying?
Sealion.

I was fired from my job selling amplifiers because I didn’t achieve the sufficient volume of sales.

My wife has always been useless at diy , but the other day she managed to change a bulb ,
I now see her in a different Light.

Buying a wig to cover a bald spot is a small price ....toupee!

What is red and juicy and round? - A lemon disguised as a strawberry.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea. . Does that mean that one enjoys it?

I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall. When people come over, I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it... it feels real."

The ant man and the wasp is literally a pretty fly for a white guy.

I got an Egyptian mummy for Xmas. Took bloody ages to unwrap it!

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

I think that men who shorten their name to Pat are missing a trick.

I wanted a puppy for Christmas.

The kids insist we have a turkey as usual.

Spielberg: "I'm doing an action movie with famous composers".
Stallone: "I'll play Mozart".
Van Damme: "I'll do Beethoven"
Schwarzenegger: ""I'll be Bach"

I used to go out with a radiographer...

It didn’t last long, she saw right through me.

—Señor, es la 7ª vez que compra su boleto.

—Así es, es que el hijo de perra de la entrada me lo rompe.

A Turkey was standing at the side of the road.
A Chicken went up to him and said
'Don't do it mate you'll never hear the end of it'

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me.

- Как вы догадались, что убийца лентяй?
- Труп всё еще жив.

Shopping centers, you’ve seen one, you’ve seen the mall.

The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you are not fit enough to do it, you’ve got a long walk home.

Telling bird puns is usually harmless, but when you start mocking birds, things can quickly get unpheasant and hawkward.

You can spell it Benadryl Cucumber and people still know who you're talking about.

I bought my wife a vacuum cleaner.. but it sucks.

The downside of being a bomb disposal technician. It takes 6 hours to open Christmas gifts.

What is hairy, brown, and goes up and down? - A kiwi in an elevator.

Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

Poles say every fifth person is Chinese.
We have five people in our family, it's not me or mum and dad. So it's either my oldest brother Lee Chin Cho
Or my young brother Colin.
I think it's Colin.

I have a medical condition that leads me to sometimes spell words backwards.

When it happens I often get desserts out.

I strongly recommend you try a bottle of Justin wine, it's really, really good. Actually you should buy 12 bottles... Justin case.

Julius Caesar walks into a bar and orders an Martinus.
Do you mean a Martini, asks the bartender.
No... one will be enough...

I’m fed up of my job testing quicksand. I’ve had it up to here.

Q: What does the Queen call it when she takes a photo of herself ?
A: A Onesie.

All my friends on MSN Messenger have all started calling me 'Old Fashioned'.

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk? Jingle Smells...

I recently overcame my fear of Escalators.
It was a twelve step program.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Ice crispies....

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel he planned to visit on his vacation: "I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit me to keep him in my room with me at night?"
An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, "I've been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time, I've never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls. I've never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I've never had a dog run out on a hotel bill. Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you're welcome to stay here, too."

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

A person checks into a hotel for the first time in his life, and goes up to his room. Five minutes later he calls the desk and say, "You've given me a room with no exit. How do I leave?"
The desk clerk says, "Sir, that's absurd. Have you looked for the door?"

The person says, " Well, there's one door that leads to the bathroom. There's a second door that goes into the closet. And there's a door I haven't tried, but it has a 'do not disturb' sign on it."

Friend of mine works as a bellboy at the hotel, but used to be a lawyer. He kept losing the cases.

Not sure about this trendy hotel’s cafe. It fills me with uncertain tea.

Dating after 40 is like trying to find the least damaged thing at a thrift sale that doesn't smell.

Arrived at a hotel, said I was there for the Twitter conference. Concierge said “Follow me”…

Seven star hotels are overrated.

I had to leave the hotel earlier when two grand masters arrived and started talking about their best tournaments. I can’t stand chess nut boasting in an open foyer.

A chap checks into a hotel, and is asked if he wants a room with a shower or a bath. Wanting to save money, he asks “What’s the difference?”. The staff member replies, “You need to stand up in the shower”.

A man and his wife go on holiday and find a hotel for the night.
When they find one, the manager says they're welcome to stay there but it costs £100 each for the night.

That's a bit outside their budget so they politely turn it down and ask if there's anywhere cheaper in the area.

The manager says "Yes, in fact there is a hotel just up the road and it's only £25 each, but I'll warn you now, there have been many reports of the building being haunted".

The couple don't think anything of it and make their way to the cheaper hotel and when they get there they pay the £25 each and ask the manager about the reported hauntings.

The manager says "Ah that's a load of rubbish! I've been here 300 years and never seen anything!"

I was offered a job making beds in a hotel!
I had to turn them down..

A trucker walks into a hotel...
... and says to the receptionist... “ I’ve been on the road for a couple of days. Give me your dirtiest, messiest room, some overcooked spaghetti with burnt sauce and the ugliest hooker in town!”

The receptionist said: “ Well, we have a reputation to uphold at our establishment! We’ll give you a nice room, a good meal and a fine lady!”

The trucker replied:” Look, I’m not horny, I’m homesick!”

A Cherokee chief walks into a hotel lobby.
Hotel employee: “Sir, you have a reservation?”

The Native American facepalms: “Screw you, not this shit again.”

An American checks into a London hotel having had a bad day. He asks the receptionist where the elevator is.

He is told the “lift” is around the corner from reception.

The American says “It’s called AN ELEVATOR! WE INVENTED IT!”

The receptionist replies “Yes sir, but we invented the language and so it’s a lift.”

The sign in my hotel room said, "Not responsible for stolen items."
So I stole some stuff.