Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you're wanting to know how to make your guitar playing sound better, stay tuned.

Twitter removed my joke about a rice cake. They said it was tasteless.

I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job

The old slaves were killed for reading. The new slaves won't read to stay alive.

Be selfish with your time. A lot of people don't deserve it.

I only offend stupid people and I'm sorry if that offends you.

Papa: Listen, it's a song by The Beatles.

Son: The who?

Papa: No, The Beatles.

- А ты от скромности не помрешь...
- Конечно, меня от зависти убьют.

I tried to learn PHP once.

Worst 2 minutes of my life.

I hate Cinco de Mayo said no Juan ever.

Web sites use cookies to improve performance. Same with me.

Drag racing is my favorite sport

I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.

Being a trans-woman is all fun and games until the male-pattern baldness kicks in.

I brew my coffee strong enough that it will show up in a drug test.

git commit -m "this better fucking work this time"

Me "can we do the Princess Leia gold bikini roll play?"
Wife *sigh* "on one condition"
Me "anything"
Wife "I'm wearing the bikini this time."

I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.

Age is just a number but when you turn 68 you're suddenly hopeful of being in a better position next year.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat.

I've been repeating the same mistakes for so long now, I may as well call them traditions.

I'm no connoisseur, but Cardboarddeaux is not good wine.

Illegal IT pro tip:
The harder it is for others to understand your code, the harder it is to replace you.

I've been away from the gym so long that it asked me to call it James.

Looking for a married women, mad at her husband, who is willing to sell his fishing gear for cheap.

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

What disease did cured ham actually have?

The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work.

Note to self: turning off the speaker does not end the phone call.

You can never dig half a hole.

Money may not make me happy, but the freedom it will bring, definitely will.

Stop losing your mind over people that don’t mind losing you.

The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

I don't always have time to write documentation, but when I do, I still don't.

A long nap always hits best laying on the couch on a rainy day.

I don't hate any specific race.
I just hate running, period.

What's the difference between a bitch and a hoe?

The hoe fucks everyone at the party. The bitch fuck everyone but you.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

Lazy people fact #5761684381:
You were too lazy to read that number.

Every squad has that one person who has to go home early..

Dine her.
Wine her.
Eat her vaginer.

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." – Dennis Ritchie

SELECT FINGER FROM HAND WHERE ID=3

I need a maycation, I may come back and I may not.

Recruiter: So why do you want to work at our office in Mexico?
Dev: I want to be a señor developer.

What does everyone think about the Anus as a hole?

My ex was like "I know a spot" then took me to the lowest point in my life.

My aptly named neighbor, Sue, is a lawyer.

Linux was originally made for personal use and not corporate companies, that is why it has /home but no /office.

True patriots despise their government because they love their country.

Note to self: these notes to self don't work.

Dating Profile: Neutral Good But A Fucking Dickhead About It.

People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented.

If you have never wrote “boobies” on a calculator well then my friend, you’re to young for us to hangout.

What happens when a microscope bangs into a telescope?

A kaleidoscope.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity brings.

To be honest, I don't know what "TBH" and "IDK" mean.

So, it's okay for a cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors come, but,
when I do it, it's "rude" and "antisocial."

The average public swimming pool contains 75 litres of urine.

I have three eyes. Two to look and one to see.

The problem I have with thinking before you tweet is the whole thinking part.

My exit plan is to die.

Yes, I have imagined you naked.

But don't worry, I didn't enjoy it.

Panic mode is panic with a scoop of ice cream on top.

Don't be sad because it's all over, smile, because for a few miles, they thought you were a real bus driver...

Парень - девушке:
- Ты - как роза: красивая, манящая, но колючая.
- Неправда, я каждый день бреюсь!

- Почему большинство женщин не может уснуть после оргазма?
- Потому что им нужно еще до дома добираться!

One weird trick for avoiding hangovers: don't drink alcohol.

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

Dating an older person is cool until they break your heart and you be like "" I trusted you like a parent""

Respect the pussy that gets wet for you.

Electric vehicle owners should ONLY be allowed to charge their cars using wind and solar power, otherwise it's just pretend.

My aunt Mary always came over to our house without telling us in advance.
We called her Mary Pop-ins.

My bucket list so far:
1. Buy a bucket
2. Write a list

Penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling.

My universe is my eyes and my ears. Anything else is hearsay.

Induction: the act of inserting ducks.

Deduction: the act of removing ducks.

Reduction: the act of putting the ducks back.

My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

Life hack: Never, ever open a package that is buzzing and the exact size and shape of a swarm of bees.

So funny how Starbucks gets customers' names wrong. I told them my name is Karanbir and they wrote "Osama" on the cup.

В магазине: - Девушка, у вас есть бюстгальтеры для 9-го класса?
- Для 9-го класса? А точнее?
- Точнее? Для 9-го "А"