Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"And say, 'My Lord, increase me in knowledge.'"
- Surah Ta-Ha (20:114)

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."
- Proverbs 3:5-6

"The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."
- Numbers 6:24-26

"Love your neighbor as yourself."
- Leviticus 19:18

"Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one."
- Deuteronomy 6:4

"In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth."
- Genesis 1:1

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life."
- John 3:16 (NIV)

"Verily, with every difficulty there is relief."
- Surah Al-Inshirah (94:5-6)

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear."
- Surah Al-Baqarah (2:286)

"In the name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful."
- Surah Al-Fatihah (1:1)

"Jesus answered, 'I am the way, the truth, and the life.'"
- John 14:6

"Do you not know that you are God's temple and that God's Spirit dwells in you?"
- 1 Corinthians 3:16

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things."
- Matthew 6:34

"And now these three remain: faith, hope and love." -
1 Corinthians 13:13

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."
- Joshua 1:9

On a lighter note, I like Zippos.

I'm old enough to know better but I don't let that get in my way when it comes to making poor decisions.

The government pays Chuck Norris taxes.

My girlfriend is like a goddess...

My friends and family don't believe she exists.

Google tip.
Always add the word 'recipe ' when googling 'Asian cream pie'.

Noel Gallagher was sad to sell his private jet and as he walked away his manager saw Liam next to it celebrating his purchase.
Manager urged Noel away saying "don't look back in hangar."

Заполняя анкету, в графе "национальность" Яша Рабинович написал: "А шо такое случилось?".

Портной клиентам не отказывает!
Портной их отшивает!

“I need a battery, please.”

“Is it for a clock?”

“I don’t know. That’s why I need a battery.”

Did you know that too much sex can cause memory loss?

I read that in a medical journal on page 64, at 2:34pm on Friday 15th of August, 2021.

Be thankful it's not snowing.

Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.

Behind every husband who thinks he wears the pants.
Is a wife who told him which pants to wear.

Why the guy that invented braille didn't just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters?

What can you see twice in a week or once in every year – but not once in gazillion months?

The letter “e”.

Хороший секс – это когда потом при виде порнухи ты снисходительно улыбаешься.

Life advice: Make better decisions.

Canadians are nicer because they're closer to Santa.

What happens in your search history should stay in your search history.

Все успешные компании успешны одинаково. Каждая неуспешная набирает молодую дружную команду и динамично развивается.

We were having sex the other night and to my surprise my gf started punching me in the face.

I have no idea who let her into my office.

I once dated a girl who had bad eczema on her chest.....

Lovely girl, cracking pair of tits.

Sports are a distraction to keep the masses entertained while the 1% runs the show.

Don’t crack jokes about clitoris.
It is a sensitive spot for many people.

I'm so single if I win a trip for 2, I'm going twice.

When my friend Joyce learned she could clone herself, she rejoiced.

What if I told you all presidents are only frontmen to distract you from the people who really run the country?

Doctors say 3 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea. Do the other 2 enjoy it?

Silence is golden…unless you have kids, then silence is just suspicious.

Welcome to your 50’s…
tying your shoes is your cardio for the day.

"I can't go outside because I have to study for a calculus exam."
“Calculus on such a nice day? What are you, some kind of mathochist?"

Бывает, молчишь, а тебя уже не так поняли.

Женщины как деньги, чтоб о них не думать, нужно их иметь.

Parents first say sex is bad and later ask for grandchildren.

Фима сильно обиделся, когда Циля подписала диск с их свадебным видео: "Моя первая свадьба".

Where do Russian Hackers store their exploits?

/ussr/bin/

На торжественном приеме:
- Господин Цукерман с супругой, госпожой Цукервуман!

- Рабинович, я слышал, что вы таки пренебрегаете своими супружескими обязанностями!
- Во-первых, меня укачивает. А во-вторых, после меня всё равно надо перетрахивать.

Dancing is like standing still, only faster.

Hkl

- Рабинович! Вы старый и мудрый еврей, объясните - шо такое дилемма?
- Ну... таки я думаю, шо это бесплатное сало!

- Лена, а кто тебе ближе? Дон Жуан или Дон Кихот?
- Дон Периньон.

- А что посоветуете посмотреть в Вашем городке?
- Телевизор.

Если ты такой умный и талантливый, то почему твой начальник еще не купил Феррари?

Fake laughing with customers is actually a skill and we should be allowed to add it on our resume.

My wife made a list of the ten reasons she wants a divorce.

1. I don’t seem to care
2. I’m not a good listener
3. etc

- Ребе, а можно в борщ класть сметану?
- Конечно можно.
- Ребе, но ведь евреям нельзя есть мясное с молочным вместе.
- А ты что, есть его собрался?

"Knowledge makes a man unfit to be a slave."
~ Frederick Douglass

My girlfriend is like terms and conditions

Because I ignore everything she says and then agree with her.

DNA is the acronym for National Dyslexic Association.

I asked my Welsh friend, how many sexual partners he had had.
He started counting then fell asleep.

A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

In a Libertarian society...

You choose your weaponry.

You choose your medical care.

You choose your education program.

You even choose your preferred form of money.

And there isn't squat the government can do about it.

Doesn't the "B" in LGBT imply there are only 2 genders?

Совесть человека – как хомяк: или спит, или грызёт.

El problema de ser selectivo es que ya llevo soltero 4 años.

John has taken up model railroads as a hobby.

His wife hopes he doesn’t go off the rails with it.

I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.

The more I understand people, the more I don't understand people.

Don't yell "shotgun" when boarding the plane.

Победа над собой - не причина для радости. Победить слабого и любой дурак сможет.

Last night I was offered a threesome by two hot twins

Sex with Jessica felt great, but Jeremy was a pain in the ass.

What do you call a chicken with a lollipop?
A cocksucker.

Фима просит у Господа немного денег. Господь ему отвечает:
- Не могу. У тебя на роду написано жить нищим.
- Ой, я тебя умоляю! Ты дай мне денег, а я буду жить как нищий.

What do you call it when members of the band Scorpions upgrade their OS version?
Windows change.

A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.