Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I tried to make a halal sandwich but made a pig's ear of it.

"Why are you so mean to people at work?"

Me: This is actually me being nice.

The older I get, the better I used to be.

My inner child keeps stealing my lunch money,
and spending it on booze and tacos.....little sod....

One minute you’re young and fun, the next you’re predicting the weather with your bad knee.

What happened to the data scientist who went too long to the gym?

Overfitting...

Python is just a HTML that went to a private school. . .

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life. Therefore Mondays are now “Taco Tuesday Eve” until further notice.

You won't hear a dog whistle. They can't.

The only left overs worth eating are single moms.

The winter during hard times is like my penis

Things get harder as we have less clothing.

I told her to text me when she got home.

She must be homeless .

She blocked me on all her socials.

She must want me to email her.

Egyptians claim that there are no crocodiles in Egypt.

I think they're in de nile.

Why do people enjoy having sex with vegetables?

They can't run away.

Just landed my dream job as a puppeteer.

Had to pull a few strings to get it though.

- Excuse me sir, we have a dress code here.
- I work in IT
- carry on

Если построен пьедестал, то какой-нибудь мудак на него обязательно залезет.

People at work really need to learn that I’ll stop giving sarcastic answers when they stop asking stupid questions…

A worm is a pretty disappointing prize for getting up early if you ask me.

Why do laptops overheat when they have windows ?

"How poor are you"
Me: I owe money to myself

Got all kinds of weird looks at the gym.
Can’t they bring their own pizza?

A lot of conflict in the Wild West could've been avoided completely if cowboy architects had made towns big enough for everyone.

What do you call men who make ‘women belong in the kitchen’ jokes?

Single.

On average I spend $75 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

The three laws of Engineering:
1. Always use the right tool for the job.
2. A hammer is the right tool for any job.
3. Anything can be used as a hammer.

Normalize forgiving people but still remove them from your life.

Life is too short to hold onto things that no longer serve you.

Довёл до греха — доводи и до оргазма.

Он шел на свидание с ней и был уверен, что ему дадут. Но не знал, что по морде…

Some are wise.

Some are otherwise.

If you trust government, you don't know history.

I can't remember names. It's my Apollo's heel.

Работать не любит, но старается. Пьёт много, но с отвращением.
© Из характеристики

There's a famous river in Crimea.

I work in a paper factory where my responsibilities are twofold.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they really good at their job and make my life easier at work? Also no.

They call it gross pay because it's disgusting to see what you could have made...

“Sorry I have to be in work early tomorrow”Is the adult equivalent of “my mom said no”.

It’s always awkward the first time you hold hands with someone... because they usually want to know who you are.

It doesn't matter what your annual salary is.

If you can't live 6 months without employment, you're poor.

I've got 99 problems and basically all of them could be solved by a salary increase.

Depression: “lets just do nothing today”

Anxiety: “but what if we do that WRONG?”

If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious grilled.

Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

Remember, when life gives you lemons, they are considered taxable income.

Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.

It's okay to talk to yourself.
And okay to answer yourself.
But sad when you have to repeat what you said because you weren't listening.

When your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance" just go ahead and start puttin' your shoes on... She means now.
*Follow me for more marriage tips.

-ДЖИН, ТЫ ПОЧЕМУ ТАК ДОЛГО НЕ ВЫЛЕЗАЛ ИЗ БУТЫЛКИ?
-ЗАСТРЯЛ В ПРОБКЕ.

What if I told you that slavery never ended, it was just disguised as employment.

Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.

I said, "No way."

Единственная помощь, которую я готов принять от психотерапевта – это финансовая.

“How’s life?”
So much panic, very little disco.

"It's unbelievable how much you do not know about the game you've been playing all your life"

Stop saying you did your research before you got the injection.

You are the research.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~ Ernest Hemingway

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Success is built fom stacking small wins.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't. It's embarrassing.

If you're wanting to know how to make your guitar playing sound better, stay tuned.

Twitter removed my joke about a rice cake. They said it was tasteless.

I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job

The old slaves were killed for reading. The new slaves won't read to stay alive.

Be selfish with your time. A lot of people don't deserve it.

I only offend stupid people and I'm sorry if that offends you.

Papa: Listen, it's a song by The Beatles.

Son: The who?

Papa: No, The Beatles.

- А ты от скромности не помрешь...
- Конечно, меня от зависти убьют.

I tried to learn PHP once.

Worst 2 minutes of my life.

I hate Cinco de Mayo said no Juan ever.

Web sites use cookies to improve performance. Same with me.

Drag racing is my favorite sport

I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.

Being a trans-woman is all fun and games until the male-pattern baldness kicks in.

I brew my coffee strong enough that it will show up in a drug test.

git commit -m "this better fucking work this time"

Me "can we do the Princess Leia gold bikini roll play?"
Wife *sigh* "on one condition"
Me "anything"
Wife "I'm wearing the bikini this time."

I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.