Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best rapper of all time.
She said that’s Ludacris.

Are there any medium rappers?
They're always Big or Lil.

What do you call a fish rapper?
Swim Shady.

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos
Now they won't post m'loan.

A mumble rapper gets out of prison.
Everyone starts praising them for finally finishing a sentence.

Why are there so many rappers still in jail?
Because they don't know how to end a sentence.

What do rappers and vegans have in common?
Fake beef.

I really love the rapper 50 cent.
Or as what we here in Zimbabwe call him.
4.563 billion dollars.

If you see someone doing a crossword...
lean over and say 7 up is lemonade!

- Perdona, ¿estoy bien maquillada?
- No, todavía se te ve la cara.

I am off fishing tomorrow with my two mates!
Rod and Annette!!

Yo: Amo a mi carrera.

Mi carrera: ¡Ay mi pndjo, ay mi pndjo!

Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

I quit my job at the concrete plant.

My job was getting harder & harder.

I’ve got a new job in a sportswear factory as ‘Head Gumshield Tester’.

Finally a role I can really get my teeth into...

I am having generation Gap with my own generation.

I told my husband I wanted to be cremated. He's made me an appointment for next Tuesday.

Some say injecting helium into animals is cruel.
I say whatever floats your goat!

I just scored a 180 on an IQ test answering three simple questions !

1. What's your credit card number?
2. What's your social security number?
3. What's the name of your dog?

My friend began dating a mermaid last week, although apparently the relationship is already on the rocks...

Singer Neil Diamond started his career as Neil Coal... He changed his name when the pressure got to him.

I hate it when people pretend to be clever and talk about Mozart as if they are familiar with his painting.

Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.

James Bond would be a much better spy if he didn't keep telling everyone who he was...

Люблю мужчин постарше, потому что у них зрение похуже.

"Where's your mother in law?"
- "She's in the garden."

- "Where? I can't see her."

- "You have to dig a little."

It was extremely difficult to switch off my mother in law’s life support system.
I had to fight the doctor, my wife, and her siblings to finally do it.

The mother in law fell down a wishing well to my amazement.
Damn, I never knew those things worked.

"Dad, what was the name of Adam's mother in law?"
"He didn't have a mother in law, son, because he lived in paradise"

Dear Mother In Law,
Don't teach me how to bring up my children.

I'm living with one of yours and they need a lot of improvement.

Having to spend time with your mother in law is sort of like using anal beads.
Sometimes it can be surprisingly pleasant, but usually it’s just a pain in the ass.

I bought my mother in law a chair for her 50th birthday ..
...but the wife won't let me plug it in.

I took my mother in law out today.
I love being a sniper.

What to do when your mother in law is zigzagging across your backyard?
Shoot again.

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day he receives a brand new Audi car and $10mn in cash with a note "thanks for saving me-MIL". She now invites second SIL for run and does the same , without hesitation he jumps in and saves her. The next day he receives same model car ,$10mn and note saying "thanks for saving me-MIL". She now invites her final SIL and does the same when she reaches the river but this time the son in law just ignores and walks back to his home. The very next day he receives 2 brand new cars and $20mn in cash with a note "thanks for saving me-FIL".

The man came home after visiting his sick mother in law.

His wife asked how her mother was doing.

The man responded, she is getting released in two days and moving in to our home!

Shocked, the wife says, how’s that possible? When I visited her yesterday, she was in the respirator?

I know, said the husband, I was baffled too, but the doctor said we had to prepare for the worst.

My family was on vacation in Florida when suddenly I heard someone scream that my mother in law fell into the alligator pool. Not thinking twice, I jumped in...
...to save the alligator.

I discovered my mother in law has weekly sessions with Lucifer himself on how to be even more vicious.
I’ve no idea what kind of fees she’s charging him.

My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...

As I was picking up my mother in law from the airport, I asked her,
“So, how long do you think you’ll be staying with us?”

She answered, “Well... for as long as you like.”

“Not even for coffee??”

A guy goes on vacation in the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law.

The mother-in-law dies.

So the couple goes to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home, but it will cost over $5,000, whereas burying her in the Holy Land would cost only $150.

“We’ll ship her home,” says the husband.
The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That’s an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.”

The husband says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance.”

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law.
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6.

Little Johnny called mother in law a fat cow during the dinner and got slapped upside the head by his father right away. But not hard. As was agreed.

What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement?
Not enough cement.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please".
But instead my tounge twisted and I said "You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death.
So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.

A few years ago I called my mother in law fat and she still resents me for it.
I should’ve known that an elephant never forgets.

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law.
My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

A husband and wife had a fight.

Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.

Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange her letters you get: WOMAN HITLER.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. 'This young man agreed to marry my daughter,' said one. 'No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,' said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. 'Bring me my biggest sword,' said Solomon, 'and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.' 'Sounds good to me,' said the first lady. But the other woman said, 'Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.' The wise king did not hesitate a moment. 'This man must marry the first lady's daughter,' he proclaimed. 'But she was willing to hew him in two!' exclaimed the king's court. 'Indeed,' said wise King Solomon. 'That shows she is the true mother-in-law.'

Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.Favourite mother-in-law joke It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there. The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.' 'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.' 'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.' Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stocktaking.'

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.

Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

A pharmacist tells a customer, 'In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.'

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-laws.

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife, and a surprised mother-in-law.

"My son has decided to turn vegan and won't eat any kind of meat.

What can I replace it with?"

"A Labrador. They'll eat anything."

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name.

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science.

Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

On a pub bet, I swallowed 106 duck feathers...it's been 5 weeks now and I still feel a little down in the dumps...

My wife said she'd like some peace and quiet while she cooks dinner..

So I've taken the batteries out of the smoke alarm. 🙄

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

A barberqueue.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The barman asks, "Olive or twist?"

If you wife says she is getting stressed over her weight... Whatever you do don't tell her to Lighten up.

I went Speed Dating once.

"Have you got any pets?" one girl asked.

"Yeah, a goldfish."

"Any hobbies?" she said

"Yes, he loves swimming..."

Don't cry because it's over

cry because you're ugly 😑

Sadly, after my friend's accident, he's now housebound.

He's got his finger trapped in a wedding ring.

What do we want?

A cure for obesity !

When do we want it ?

After lunch ....!

Спускается профессор логики в лифте, лифт останавливается, человек который хочет войти спрашивает:
— Этот лифт едет вверх или вниз?
Профессор отвечает:
— Да.

Tom buys a Harley Davidson. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub vaseoline on the chrome so it won't rust."
That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes."
They sit down and no one says a word.
As dinner... goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence. All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the vaseoline. The dad jumps up and says, "fuck off, i'll do the dishes."

Hated my job at the prosthetic testicle factory. It was sham bollock.

You are what u eat

i don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.
I guess he's an expert now.

What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?
Pan Nick at the disc co.

Have a daughter named after my mother in law.
Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week.

A guy named Oedipus just hit me with a car.
That Motherfucker.

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.