Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What was the name of Tom Sawyer’s fish?
Huckleberry Fin!

Why are fish boots the warmest ones to wear?
Because they have electric eels !

What did the fish do when his piano sounded odd?
He called the piano tuna!

Why are fish cleverer than humans?
Ever seen a fish spend a fortune trying to hook a human?

What do naked fish play with?
Bare-a-cudas.

What kind of fish will help you hear better?
A herring aid.

What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.

Which fish dresses the best?
The Swordfish – it always looks sharp!

What did the sardine call the submarine?
A can of people.

What kind of money do fishermen make?
Net profits !

Q: How many anglers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four, one to change the light bulb and three to brag about how big the old one was and about the one that they would have changed, but “It got away”.

What’s the difference between an angler and a dunce?
One baits his hooks while the other hates his books.

The little kid sat on the side of the road with a fishing line down the drain. Feeling sorry for him, and wanting to humor him, a lady gave him 50 cents, and kindly asked “How many have you caught?” “You’re the tenth this morning,” was the reply.

An old lady saw a little boy with a fishing-rod over his shoulder and a jar of tadpoles in his hand walking through the park one Sunday. “Little boy,” she called, “don’t you know you shouldn’t go fishing on a Sunday?” “I m not going fishing, ma’am,” he called back, “I’m going home.”

A man was fishing in the jungle. After a while another angler came to join him. “Have you had any bites?” asked the second man. “Yes, lots,” replied the first one, “but they were all mosquitoes.”

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb? One, but you should have seen the bulb, it must have been THIS big.

What do you call a dangerous fish who drinks too much ?
A beer-a-cuda.

What do you call a fish without the eye?
fsh.

What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can’t refuse?
The Codfather.

If fish lived on land, in which country would they live?
Finland.

What did the fishermen say to the fish that swam away?
“You bass-tard!”

Which fish can perform operations?
A Sturgeon!

What is the difference between a fish and a piano?
You can’t tuna fish.

What do fish use for money?
Sand dollars!

Why can’t you tell a joke while ice fishing?
Because it’ll crack you up!.

What is the richest fish in the world?
A goldfish.

How do fish go into business?
The start on a small scale!

What does the pope eat during lent?
Holy mackerel!

Why did the fish cross the road?
Cause it was hooked!

Mother to daughter advice: Cook a man a fish and you feed him for a day. But teach a man to fish and you get rid of him for the whole weekend.

Did you hear about the fight at the seafood restaurant? Two fish got battered!

What is a fish’s favorite show?
“Name That Tuna.”

A monastery is in financial trouble, so it goes into the fish-and-chips business to raise money. One night a customer knocks on its door. A monk answers. The customer asks, “Are you the fish friar?” “No,” he replies. “I’m the chip monk.”

What’s a fish’s favorite musical instrument?
A bass drum.

Three priests were fishing on a boat when they ran out of bait. The first priest got up and walked across the water to get some more bait. After 2 hours they ran out of bait again and the second priest said he would go get more bait, so he got up and walked across the water. After 3 hours of fishing they ran out of bait again and the third priest said he would get more bait. So he stepped out of the boat and went straight to the bottom. The first priest turned to the second priest and asked, “Should we have told him where the rocks were?”

How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop it a line!

Where do fish keep their money?
In a riverbank.

Why do fish swim in schools?
Because they can’t walk!

Game warden: Didn’t you see the no-fishing sign, son?
Boy: I’m not fishing, sir. I’m teaching these worms how to swim!

Why didn’t Noah do much fishing on the ark?
He had only two worms.

Why did Batman and Robin quit going fishing together?
Because Robin ate all the worms!

What kind of music should you listen to while fishing?
Something catchy!

Why did the husband go fishing on Valentines Day?
To catch his wife a bouquet of flounders!

What is the fastest fish in the water?
A motopike.

Where does a fisherman go to get his hair cut?
The bobber shop.

Why is it so easy to weigh fish?
Because they have their own scales!

Why are fish so gullible?
They fall for things hook, line and sinker!

What do you call a fish that won’t shut up?
A big-mouthed bass!

Why are fish so smart ?
Because they swim in schools !

The Cops pulled me over when I had a giant pack of cards in my car.
They didn't arrest me, they just dealt with me at the side of the road.

Is Arsecheeks one word or do I need to separate them?

SIRI, How do I always mess it up with women?

UM, this is Alexa...

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies, "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Cause it’s seafood.

It's probably my age that fools people into thinking I'm an adult.

En la vida hay tres clases de persona, las que saben contar y las que no.

Real people are not perfect, and perfect people are not real.

Which side of a leopard has the most spots?
The outside!

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

Took the dog for a walk yesterday, I remembered to take poo bags...
Although, my wife really hates that nickname.

Does anyone know if there’s anything I can take for kleptomania ?

I have an astronomy joke but it’s a little dark.

I asked my wife why she was upset but she didn't want to talk about it.
I bet she's joined a fight club.

I asked a French man if he played video games.

He said wii.

- Hola preciosa, ¿Donde vas tan sola y con ese cuerpo?
- A enterrarlo al parque...

Q. What does a warlock farmer rap about?
A. Witches and hoes.

Q. Why did the rapper go into farming?
A. Now he can produce his own beets.

Q. Why did 50 Cent declare bankruptcy?
A. 'Cause he didn't have a dollar to his name.

Q. Why did the tween-age hip hop artist do an entire album about soap?
A. So that the lyrics would all be clean.

Q. How is music like candy?
A. Ya toss the rappers.

Q. Which rapper is always cold?
A. Ice Cube.

Q. What does a rapper like in his drinks?
A. Ice Ice Baby.

Q. What sort of music do frogs and toadies croak about?
A. Hip hop.

Q. What do you call an iguana that throws down a quick beat?
A. A rap-tile.

Q. Which music genre do chiropractors enjoy most?
A. Hip Pop.

Did you hear about the rapper who made an album while in prison? Unfortunately, everyone who bought it was jailed because now they had a criminal record.

Q. Why do rappers date chicks in the IT department?
A. 'Cause they know how to back it up and dump it.

Q. Which rapper always gives away four cans of beer?
A. 2Pac.

Q. Why is it called rap music?
A. 'Cause the C fell off.