Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call a fish that won’t shut up?
A big-mouthed bass!

Why are fish so smart ?
Because they swim in schools !

The Cops pulled me over when I had a giant pack of cards in my car.
They didn't arrest me, they just dealt with me at the side of the road.

Is Arsecheeks one word or do I need to separate them?

SIRI, How do I always mess it up with women?

UM, this is Alexa...

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies, "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

Why can’t blind people eat fish?

Cause it’s seafood.

It's probably my age that fools people into thinking I'm an adult.

En la vida hay tres clases de persona, las que saben contar y las que no.

Real people are not perfect, and perfect people are not real.

Which side of a leopard has the most spots?
The outside!

My wife and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

I've just found out my grandad is addicted to Viagra.

Nobody is taking it harder than my grandmother.

Took the dog for a walk yesterday, I remembered to take poo bags...
Although, my wife really hates that nickname.

Does anyone know if there’s anything I can take for kleptomania ?

I have an astronomy joke but it’s a little dark.

I asked my wife why she was upset but she didn't want to talk about it.
I bet she's joined a fight club.

I asked a French man if he played video games.

He said wii.

- Hola preciosa, ¿Donde vas tan sola y con ese cuerpo?
- A enterrarlo al parque...

Q. What does a warlock farmer rap about?
A. Witches and hoes.

Q. Why did the rapper go into farming?
A. Now he can produce his own beets.

Q. Why did 50 Cent declare bankruptcy?
A. 'Cause he didn't have a dollar to his name.

Q. Why did the tween-age hip hop artist do an entire album about soap?
A. So that the lyrics would all be clean.

Q. How is music like candy?
A. Ya toss the rappers.

Q. Which rapper is always cold?
A. Ice Cube.

Q. What does a rapper like in his drinks?
A. Ice Ice Baby.

Q. What sort of music do frogs and toadies croak about?
A. Hip hop.

Q. What do you call an iguana that throws down a quick beat?
A. A rap-tile.

Q. Which music genre do chiropractors enjoy most?
A. Hip Pop.

Did you hear about the rapper who made an album while in prison? Unfortunately, everyone who bought it was jailed because now they had a criminal record.

Q. Why do rappers date chicks in the IT department?
A. 'Cause they know how to back it up and dump it.

Q. Which rapper always gives away four cans of beer?
A. 2Pac.

Q. Why is it called rap music?
A. 'Cause the C fell off.

Q. What's the difference between a joint and rappers these days?
A. You get more than one hit out of a joint.

Q. What happened to the rapper who used cannabis infused citric chewing tobacco?
A. He spit out some dope lines.

Q. How can you tell is Bigfoot a rap fan?
A. He likes to knock on wood.

What do you call a gassy Egyptian rapper?
Tootin Common.

Why did the rapper thank the sidewalk in his acceptance speech?
Because it kept him off the streets.

Who you gonna call a rapper that solves paranormal mysteries?
Ghostbusta Rhymes.

Who is the least self-assured rapper?
Tupac inshakur.

I invited a bunch of rappers to my party. Most of them showed up, but Notorious B.I.G. couldn't make it.
That's ok. No biggie.

Why do rappers wear all that fake gold on stage?
Faux show.

What's an amphibian's favourite rapper?
Snoop Frog.

What is toothpaste's favorite rapper?
Fluoride-a.

Im going to be a rapper called Lil Shit
When people ask why i will say i get inspired by what my mom calls me.

What did the rapper forget when going on holiday?
2pac.

What do you call a rapper that raps about physics?
mc².

If I were a rapper, my rap name would be
Lay-Z.

How many rappers would it take to change a lightbulb?
None because they were all too lil to reach it.

What do they call it when a psychiatrist and a rapper get together for a talk?
Shrink wrap!

Why did the rapper never go into the steakhouse?
Because he had beef with the manager.

What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?
50 percent.

Who is Han Solo's favorite rapper?
Tupacca.

Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper?
His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable.

What do Soundcloud rappers fuel their cars with?
Gaso-lean.

What do they the call rapper 50 Cent in Venezuela?
479 Billion Bolivars.

Why are rappers so afraid of algebra?
Cause X gonna give it to ya.

What's the difference between a female American rapper and a South American woman who makes funny noises on bed?
One is Queen Latifah the other is Queef Latina.

If Hitler was a rapper, he would make the best diss tracks.
He was good at roasting people.

Spanish speaking rappers are so vain.
They always talk about themselves: yo yo yo.

What do you call a rapper with flatulence?
50 scents.

I met this drunk guy at a bar who kept telling everyone he’s a famous rapper.
I think he’s ludacris.

Did you hear about the rapper that had an asphalt fetish?
He came from the streets.

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period?
They say she has a mean flow.

Mumble rappers and Japanese Anime are the same.
both require subtitles.

What is Albert Einstein's rapper name?
MC Squared.

Name a rapper with small abdominal muscles.
2Pac.

What do you call a good smelling rapper?
Post Cologne.

What is a millennial rapper’s favorite Transformer?
Mumblebee.

What do you call a Soviet mumble rapper?
Stalean.

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.
This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya".

What do Alexander the Great, Winnie the Pooh and Chance the Rapper gave in common?
The same middle name.

Where do rappers go to get pets?
Tha Dogg Pound.

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

My friend makes paintings of Eminem combined with other famous rappers.
He's a mixed Marshall artist.

What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?
Both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit.

My friend was a pusher who aspired to become a famous rapper.
Before he went famous, he just had to drop the P.

What do you call the greatest sea flower rapper of all time?
An Eminem Anemone.

My rapper name would be Medium Rare.
Cus it’s kinda raw.

Who's the rapper that fat people hate the most?
Cardi-O B.