Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I’ve stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.

Wife: “You told me so many bad things in your sleep last night”
Husband: “Who was asleep?”

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa...
I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping...
...with a really angry bear somewhere close by...

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.

I'm so good at sleeping.
I can do it with my eyes closed.

Did you hear about the little girl who was sent to prison for not going to sleep last night? She was charged with resisting arrest!

Did you hear about the parents who called their baby 'coffee?' It kept them up all night!

Did you hear about the boy who slept with his head underneath his pillow? When he woke up, the tooth fairy had taken all his teeth!

"Doctor, how can I stop my sleepwalking?"
"Easy, just put drawing pins on the bedroom floor."

Did you hear about the girl who was dreaming that she was eating a giant marshmallow? She woke up and her pillow was gone!

"Doctor, I can't get to sleep at night."
"Lie on the edge of the bed - you'll soon drop off!"

Did you hear about the lady who always goes to sleep on a chandelier? She's a light sleeper!

I got paid for being part of a study at a sleep clinic last night... it was my dream job!

Did you hear about the kidnapping yesterday? It’s OK though, he woke up!

Where do burgers sleep?
On a bed of lettuce!

What does a Mummy cow read to a baby cow before bed? Dairy tales!

Why did the little boy take a ruler to bed with him?
To see how long he slept!

Why did the little boy hide sugar under his pillow at night?
So he would have sweet dreams!

Which animal sleeps with its shoes on?
A horse!

Why did the little girl take her bike to bed?
Because she didn’t want to walk in her sleep!

What should you do if you find a dinosaur sleeping in your bed?
Find somewhere else to sleep!

Which part of the car is the sleepiest?
The wheels, because they're always tired!

Why do worms hate getting up in the morning?
Because the early bird catches the worm!

How is it possible to go without sleep for seven days and not be tired?
You sleep at night!

What's it called when your feet go to sleep and won't wake up? Coma-toes!

What do you call a sleeping bull? A bull dozer!

What do you call a really sleepy egg? Egg-zosted!

What did the Mummy broom say to the baby broom? It’s time to go to sweep!

Which bit of art equipment makes you tired? A craYAWN!

Why did the nurse tiptoe past the medicine cupboard? She didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills!

Why did the meatballs tell the spaghetti to close its eyes and go to sleep? It was pasta bedtime!

What do you get when you cross a rooster with a duck? A bird that wakes up at the quack of dawn!

Why did the man keep running around his bed? To catch up on his sleep!

How do you put a baby astronaut to sleep? You rocket!

What do you call a sleeping woodcutter? A slumber-jack!

I know someone who was habitually late, until his doctor recommended sleeping in a herb garden. Sounds odd, I know, but now he wakes up on Thyme.

Taller people sleep longer in bed.

A friend gave up his job as a shepherd as every time he tried to count his flock, he fell asleep.

Fell asleep on my smartphone the other day. I had downloaded a nap.

What dinosaur makes most noise when he is a sleep? Tyrannosnorus.

I sleep in a tower once every two weeks. It’s my fort night.

Why do dragons often sleep during the day? So they can fight knights.

I fell asleep beside the kitchen sink with the plug out. I feel completely drained now.

I fitted an alarm clock to my shoe. It stops my foot from falling asleep.

Woke up the other day with a puzzled look on my face. Had fallen asleep on my crossword.

Sleep is time machine to breakfast.

What do you get when you cross a turtle with a porcupine? A slow poke.

The farmer’s wife fills all of his prescriptions, as she’s his farm•Mrs.

Yesterday I went to a temporary tattoo parlour to get a tattoo.
After it wouldn't wash off, I went back this morning to complain.
The tattoo parlour wasn't there.

A tongue-twister champion got arrested.
They're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Last night I had a nightmare that I was a piece of wood that had Mineralized into Stone.
I woke up petrified.

I just read that a radical section of the woodworker's union
has broken away and formed a splinter group.

How do devils breathe? Inhell and exhell.

There are two (2) rules for success in life:
1. Don't tell people everything you know.
2.

What do you call the ghost
of a chicken?

A poultry-geist!

How do you top a car?

Tep on the brake tupid.

Holy shit!
Famous donut shop closes after operating for more than 50 years. The owner commented, "I just got tired of the hole thing..."

Nutritionists have confirmed that a well known food reduces women's sex drive by 95%.
It's called "wedding cake"

My doctor checked my fitness level and said I was getting atrophy. Where should I put it? I never got a fitness award before!

I threw a ball for my dog...
It's a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

Why do they call them "Apartments" when they're so close together?

Drinking at home isn't working out.. Last night I asked my wife for her phone number.

Why does a Piano player called 'Pianist', but a rap singer doesn't called 'Rapist'???

How do you start a book about ducks?

With an introducktion.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

I admit I don't always whoop but when I do.. there it is.

If a doctors wife eats an apple a day is that grounds for a divorce?

Why does a tiger have stripes?

So he won't be spotted.

My wife and I share a sense of humour.

We have to because she doesn't have one.

My girlfriend tried to persuade me to have sex with her on the hood of her Honda Civic. I refused. If I'm going to have sex with her, it's going to be on my own Accord.

The adjective for metal is metallic, but not so for iron... which is ironic.

How do you turn six to nine?

Remove the "s".

There was an explosion at the pie factory. The blast could be heard 3.14 miles away.

My computer is so old.
When I turn it on the malware prompts me to update.

What’s the best way to catch a fish?
Have someone throw it at you.

What do you get if you cross a trout with an apartment?
A flat fish !

Where are most fish found?
Between the head and the tail!

Why should you never fight a dinosaur?
You’ll get jurasskicked.

What’s a sea serpent’s favorite meal?
Fish and ships!

What was the Tsar of Russia’s favorite fish?
Tsardines.