Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I've just phoned the weak bladder helpline.
It's 1p a minute!

"Si te fijas, en realidad nadie nos decepciona, nos decepcionamos nosotros por tener expectativas muy altas de personas que son tan poco."

What was the Soviet Union’s most secretive insect?

The Cagey Bee.

- Mmmm, ¡velas!, ¿qué celebramos?
- Que nos han cortado la luz..

Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.
He told me he wasn't home.

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....
feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.
Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

My neighbour is an avid gardener.
He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

My musician neighbour is scaring me.
I heard him fingering a minor.

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.
But he's been lying.

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.
They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

Husband: Oh No! our neighbour has died.

Wife: Who, Ray?

Husband: I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen.

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.
"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

My neighbour asked me to stop playing Oasis songs all night long
I said maybe...

My neighbour has a fetish for holidays.
I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"

Neighbour's 8 year old son: Corona has looted half my inheritance
Me: How?

Him: My mom is pregnant.

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.
They are assless chaps.

My neighbour was arrested for killing a black man.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.
Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

So my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless again today.
I just wish his wife would do the same.

My neighbour knocked on my front door.
"Would you mind looking after the kids today?" she asked.

"Maybe," I replied. "How come?"

"Because one of yours is taking a shit on our front lawn!" she yelled.

"This chainsaw has three settings," my neighbour said, revving it. "And this one is the quietest of them all."


"You should try it on max," I replied.



He didn't like that. Max is his favourite child.

My neighbours recently made a sex tape ....
Well obviously they don’t know that yet!

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.
He lives next to a brothel.

The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"
Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed.
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....
....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."

The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.

Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"

Man:"Yeah, me too."

My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.
They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.

My next door neighbour is an inconsiderate asshole. He knocked on my door at 3AM last night!! 3AM!!
Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

What do you call a dog with no legs…

My asian neighbors dinner.

My neighbor is in the Guinness World Records. He has had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me.

A stone’s throw away, in fact.

Little Johnny went to the doctor to get an infection checked on his penis. As the doctor examined it, he asked," Lil Johnny how did you get an infection on your penis?" Johnny replied, “Well, the damn neighbor Sally’s braces are to sharp.”

It’s disappointing that Los Angeles doesn’t offer better transportation, especially since my neighbor offers free mustache rides every night.

You want to hear a dirty joke? Jonny played in the mud. You want to hear a clean joke? Jonny took a bath with bubbles. You want to hear a dirty joke? Bubbles was the next door neighbor.

Kid:what is between moms legs? Dad:paridise. Kid whats between you legs? Dad:the key to paridise. Kid:well you better change the lock the neighbor has the key to.

Why is the lesbian lifestyle so expensive? – They’re always eating out.

… and they buy Rolexes for their neighbors, because they wanna watch.

The bible says to love your neighbors as you love yourself. So I treat everyone like garbage.

That one awkward moment you have to go ask your Chinese neighbor if they’ve seen your dog.

I ran over neighbors cat last night and I just want to say… THAT THING WAS FAST! I had run a red light to get it!

A husband got a message from his neighbor one day. It read “Hey im sorry i had to tell you like this but i have been doing your wife for months now” The husband went to go grab his gun and shot his wife. He hid the evidence and a few hours later he got another message from his neighbor saying “Sorry meant using your wifi”.

Police: Where do u live Me: With my parents Police: Where your parents live Me: With me Police: Where do you all live Me: Together Police: where is your house Me: Next to my neighbor Police: Where is your neighbor’s house Me: If I tell you, you won’t believe me Police: Tell me Me: Next to my house.

How do you get my neighbor out of their tree? You untie the rope.

—Amor, ¿quieres casarte conmigo?

—Espérame, estoy asando carne.

—¿Y eso qué tiene que ver?

—Que yo no tomo decisiones al asar.

I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature.
I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?".

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, 'Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?' The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.
As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

Teacher where's your homework?
Me: I'm so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Computer Science Professor: Your dog ate your coding assignment?

**Awkward silence**

Me: It took him a couple bytes.

Did you hear the story of how cows provided milk for the Roman Army?
It's legion-dairy.

I love going outdoors... It's much safer than going outwindows.

What do you get when you cross a donkey with an onion? A piece of ass that will bring a tear to your eye.

Well over a hundred years ago, a couple of dudes claimed that human flight was possible.
They were Wright.

You could seriously piss off your neighbors by buying a puppy and naming it the same as their child.

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America? -Because freedom rings!- #dadjokes 🇺🇸🔔🗽

You'll never guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses fixed?
Everybody!!

Unpleasant scenes when I told my girlfriend I was going fishing on her birthday.
I opened up a whole can of worms.

The only exercise i done last month was running out of money.

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it's light.

Although me and my Ex-Wife got divorced, we still live on the Goat Farm together.
It's important to stay together for the Kids.

She fell in love with an air guitarist but he only wanted a no strings attached relationship.

Was going to start on my herb garden today but I haven’t got thyme.

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock knock joke?
He won the nobell prize.

You know how they throw the ball into the crowd after a touchdown?
That's not allowed in bowling after a strike.
I know that now.

The problem with rich people is that i am not one.

Just realized MR OWL ATE MY METAL WORM is exactly the same backwards.

- Не доверяю я автосервису, где на стенах нет календарей с голыми женщинами...

My wife asked me what she should do when she gets to 40.

I said "Move into 3rd gear..

My mum always used to say
"40 is the new 30"

Lovely woman...

Banned from driving.

Creo que cada persona tiene que pasar por algo que lo destruya para descubrir quién es realmente.

Why don't squirrels swim in cold water?
The nuts shrink.

What do you call a mobile home for insane horses?

Unstable.

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’...

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

I saw my ex girlfriend standing on the other end of the museum hall, but I was too self conscious to go say hello.

There was just too much history between us.

Фальшивого дрессировщика в цирке быстро раскусили.

You eat sausages your whole life but you refuse vaccine because you don’t know what’s in it.

I was interviewed by the police yesterday, like on the telly , I just answered “no comment “ to every question . I’m starting to think that might be the reason I didn’t get the job.

I packed in my job at the helium balloon factory...I’m not going to be talked to like that..

I learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.