Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Does anyone know if there’s anything I can take for kleptomania ?

I have an astronomy joke but it’s a little dark.

I asked my wife why she was upset but she didn't want to talk about it.
I bet she's joined a fight club.

I asked a French man if he played video games.

He said wii.

- Hola preciosa, ¿Donde vas tan sola y con ese cuerpo?
- A enterrarlo al parque...

Q. What does a warlock farmer rap about?
A. Witches and hoes.

Q. Why did the rapper go into farming?
A. Now he can produce his own beets.

Q. Why did 50 Cent declare bankruptcy?
A. 'Cause he didn't have a dollar to his name.

Q. Why did the tween-age hip hop artist do an entire album about soap?
A. So that the lyrics would all be clean.

Q. How is music like candy?
A. Ya toss the rappers.

Q. Which rapper is always cold?
A. Ice Cube.

Q. What does a rapper like in his drinks?
A. Ice Ice Baby.

Q. What sort of music do frogs and toadies croak about?
A. Hip hop.

Q. What do you call an iguana that throws down a quick beat?
A. A rap-tile.

Q. Which music genre do chiropractors enjoy most?
A. Hip Pop.

Did you hear about the rapper who made an album while in prison? Unfortunately, everyone who bought it was jailed because now they had a criminal record.

Q. Why do rappers date chicks in the IT department?
A. 'Cause they know how to back it up and dump it.

Q. Which rapper always gives away four cans of beer?
A. 2Pac.

Q. Why is it called rap music?
A. 'Cause the C fell off.

Q. What's the difference between a joint and rappers these days?
A. You get more than one hit out of a joint.

Q. What happened to the rapper who used cannabis infused citric chewing tobacco?
A. He spit out some dope lines.

Q. How can you tell is Bigfoot a rap fan?
A. He likes to knock on wood.

What do you call a gassy Egyptian rapper?
Tootin Common.

Why did the rapper thank the sidewalk in his acceptance speech?
Because it kept him off the streets.

Who you gonna call a rapper that solves paranormal mysteries?
Ghostbusta Rhymes.

Who is the least self-assured rapper?
Tupac inshakur.

I invited a bunch of rappers to my party. Most of them showed up, but Notorious B.I.G. couldn't make it.
That's ok. No biggie.

Why do rappers wear all that fake gold on stage?
Faux show.

What's an amphibian's favourite rapper?
Snoop Frog.

What is toothpaste's favorite rapper?
Fluoride-a.

Im going to be a rapper called Lil Shit
When people ask why i will say i get inspired by what my mom calls me.

What did the rapper forget when going on holiday?
2pac.

What do you call a rapper that raps about physics?
mc².

If I were a rapper, my rap name would be
Lay-Z.

How many rappers would it take to change a lightbulb?
None because they were all too lil to reach it.

What do they call it when a psychiatrist and a rapper get together for a talk?
Shrink wrap!

Why did the rapper never go into the steakhouse?
Because he had beef with the manager.

What do you call a rapper whose half black and half white?
50 percent.

Who is Han Solo's favorite rapper?
Tupacca.

Why didn't the fisherman make it as a rapper?
His lines were okay, but his hooks were debaitable.

What do Soundcloud rappers fuel their cars with?
Gaso-lean.

What do they the call rapper 50 Cent in Venezuela?
479 Billion Bolivars.

Why are rappers so afraid of algebra?
Cause X gonna give it to ya.

What's the difference between a female American rapper and a South American woman who makes funny noises on bed?
One is Queen Latifah the other is Queef Latina.

If Hitler was a rapper, he would make the best diss tracks.
He was good at roasting people.

Spanish speaking rappers are so vain.
They always talk about themselves: yo yo yo.

What do you call a rapper with flatulence?
50 scents.

I met this drunk guy at a bar who kept telling everyone he’s a famous rapper.
I think he’s ludacris.

Did you hear about the rapper that had an asphalt fetish?
He came from the streets.

Did you hear about the female rapper who only battled during her period?
They say she has a mean flow.

Mumble rappers and Japanese Anime are the same.
both require subtitles.

What is Albert Einstein's rapper name?
MC Squared.

Name a rapper with small abdominal muscles.
2Pac.

What do you call a good smelling rapper?
Post Cologne.

What is a millennial rapper’s favorite Transformer?
Mumblebee.

What do you call a Soviet mumble rapper?
Stalean.

After contracting Covid-19 Famous Rapper DMX has promised to infect every human on earth with the virus.
This is apart of his earlier promise that "X gonna give it to ya".

What do Alexander the Great, Winnie the Pooh and Chance the Rapper gave in common?
The same middle name.

Where do rappers go to get pets?
Tha Dogg Pound.

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

My friend makes paintings of Eminem combined with other famous rappers.
He's a mixed Marshall artist.

What does a mumble rapper and a politician have in common?
Both of their careers depend on incomprehensible bullshit.

My friend was a pusher who aspired to become a famous rapper.
Before he went famous, he just had to drop the P.

What do you call the greatest sea flower rapper of all time?
An Eminem Anemone.

My rapper name would be Medium Rare.
Cus it’s kinda raw.

Who's the rapper that fat people hate the most?
Cardi-O B.

I told my wife that Will Smith is the best rapper of all time.
She said that’s Ludacris.

Are there any medium rappers?
They're always Big or Lil.

What do you call a fish rapper?
Swim Shady.

I was approved to borrow money, but then the bank found out I want to be a rapper with face tattoos
Now they won't post m'loan.

A mumble rapper gets out of prison.
Everyone starts praising them for finally finishing a sentence.

Why are there so many rappers still in jail?
Because they don't know how to end a sentence.

What do rappers and vegans have in common?
Fake beef.

I really love the rapper 50 cent.
Or as what we here in Zimbabwe call him.
4.563 billion dollars.

If you see someone doing a crossword...
lean over and say 7 up is lemonade!

- Perdona, ¿estoy bien maquillada?
- No, todavía se te ve la cara.

I am off fishing tomorrow with my two mates!
Rod and Annette!!

Yo: Amo a mi carrera.

Mi carrera: ¡Ay mi pndjo, ay mi pndjo!

Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

I quit my job at the concrete plant.

My job was getting harder & harder.