Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What’s the difference between yogurt and your church?
The yogurt has an active culture.

— Describe tu vida amorosa en dos palabras.

— ¿Mi qué?

Anyone up for a trip to the guillotine museum? I’ll beheaded there later...

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

A woman in labor is literally kidding.

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall.

“It’s a pleasure to see a building named after Ernest Hemingway,” said the visitor.

“Actually,” said the guide, “it’s named after Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

“Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?” asked the visitor.

“Indeed,” said the guide. “He wrote a check.”

Two wealthy friends were standing outside of a bank, holding stacks of cash.

“What do poor people talk about?” one asked the other.

“Who cares?” quipped the friend.

My dad always wanted me to be a millionaire and thankfully I didn't disappoint him.
He died before he got a chance to see how poor I am.

Did you hear about the obese millionaire?
He has a four chin.

I'm almost a millionaire!
I have all the zeros, just looking for the one.

What do you call a Chinese Millionaire?
Cha Ching.

"I would love to be a millionaire one day," said my son.
So I asked him: "Why not longer?"

As a hardworking American I'm proud to finally say I'm a millionaire
Unfortunately, nobody in the states is accepting payment with Zimbabwean dollars

Only certain professionals can get away saying these:
👷Doctor: "Please take off your clothes."
😂Dentist: "Now open wide and hold still "
🐱Veterinarian: "How's your pretty pussy ?"
👴Gardener: "Want me to fertilize your bush ?"
👔Lawyer: "Let's go over section 69."
💰Banker: "If you withdraw too early you lose interest."
🍟Chef: "Do you like it hot and spicy.?"
👮Police: "You don't need protection."
🔫Army personnel: "Load. Aim. Fire."
🏊Swimming instructor: "Go deeper."
💪Gym trainer: "Push harder".
👸Interior Decorator: "Once its done, you will love it."
☎Telephone Guy : "Would you like it on the table or against the wall !!

Why are millionaires sticky?
Because they're rolling in dough.

The teacher stood in front of the class. "Take a pencil and paper," she said, "and write an essay with the title 'If I Were a Millionaire.'"

Every student in the class began to write furiously. Everyone but Philip, who leaned back in his seat with his arms folded.

"What's the matter," the teacher asked Philip, "Why don't you begin?"

Philip replied, "I'm waiting for my secretary."

What do you call an Irish millionaire?
A ginger bread man.

Let me tell you how I became a millionaire:
First, I bought one apple for a dollar with my savings.

Then I went out on the street and sold it there for two dollars.

With the two dollars I bought two apples for 1$ each and again sold them for 2
dollars each.

Now I had 4 dollars and was able to buy 4 apples, which, you may have guessed,
I sold for 2 dollars each.

Now I had 8 dollars and I bought 8 apples and so on and so on...

A few days later my aunt died and I inherited her assets.

I wanted to impress my crush, so i told her about my millionaire dad
Now she is my mom.

60 years old Millionaire gets married
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied. "I said I was 87!"

A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.
As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professional. A real tiger. She had practiced several forms of law, including divorces. She knew all there was to know about the legal side of a marriage, and had offered to make sure both of them were protected.

One was an entrepreneur. She had started as a teen working in a bakery and eventually had opened her own, successful string of bakeries. She was creative, and sweet. She was in touch with her softer side, and he knew that her creativity would bring him out of his shell.

The last was a woman of relatively ordinary means. She was pretty, but shy. She worked in an office and enjoyed her sometimes mundane work. Her goal in life was to be a perfect wife and mother. She longed to help her future husband achieve his full potential as a human being, and then to raise children that would be strong and independent thinkers. He was 100% convinced of her loyalty.

He thought long and hard about his choices, he considered every aspect of each woman's strengths. After days of deliberation, he finally made his choice....

He picked the one with the biggest tits.

My wife and I were watching
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

The millionaire is a very smart guy. He sees the blonde & decides to play a game with her for a quick laugh. He goes up to her, and says:

"Hey let's play a game. I'll ask you a question. If you can't guess it, you give me $5. Then you ask me one, if I can't guess it, I'll give you $10,000". The blonde agrees.

So the millionaire begins, and asks "who was the first president of the United States?". The blonde thinks about it and in the end can't figure it out. So she gives him $5.

The millionaire chuckles. "Okay, your turn" the millionaire says confidently.
"Okay" the blonde says. "What goes up the hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4?".

The millionaire looks at her & is very confused, and can't figure it out. He starts calling his friends and his family, and goes on the internet trying to desperately get the answer, but to no results.

"Okay, you win" he says, as he gives her $10,000.

"Yes, thank you!" She says.
As she begins to walk away, the millionaire looks at her confused and stops her.

"Hey!" He says.
"Sooo then... what goes up the hill with 3 legs and comes back down with 4?"

"Oh, I don't know" the blonde says. And she gives him $5 and walks away.

A man is a millionaire from buying metal rods and reselling them
His friend asks "how do you buy them for so cheap allowing you to make 7 figure salary?"

The man replies "I'm just good at bar gaining".

A millionaire and a guide were out hunting ducks with a dog.
The dog runs into a thicket and back out and barks once. The owner said good there's one duck in there. They go in and sure enough one duck. They get the duck and head to the next thicket.

The dog runs in and back out. This time he barks three times. Good there's three ducks. They go in and bingo! Three ducks. They collect the ducks and leave.

On the way out the millionaire asks the guide if he can buy his dog. And after much pushback and negotiations he had that dog!

Some years later the guide and millionaire cross paths and naturally the guide asks about his dog. The millionaire replied

"I had to put him down"

"What? Why?"

"Well, I took him out with a friend. First he runs into the thicket just like you taught him. Then he comes out barking like mad! I mean like crazy. Then he took off back into the thicket. When he came out this time he jumped on my buddies leg and went to humpin! After we got him to stop it was back to the thicket. The last time he ran out he came with a stick and was hitting us with it sooo I put him down."

"YOU MORON!" replied the guide. "He was trying to tell you that THERE'S MORE FUCKING DUCKS IN THERE THAN YOU CAN SHAKE A STICK AT!

I was well on my way to becoming a millionaire
I had a sex toy business that specialized in gold plated butt plugs. One day I got a cease and desist letter from Apple. Apparently they hold the patent on overpriced shit for assholes.

I would like to be a millionaire just like my dad.
He always wanted to be a millionaire too.

Bill Gates walks into a bar and everyone inside becomes a millionaire
...on average.

How To Become a Millionaire:
Be a billionaire and invest in an airline company.

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette with beautiful blue eyes. He is instantly infatuated with her!

After his business presentation, he walks out of the board room and approaches this beautiful woman. He is very outspoken and immediately asks her to marry him! She's taken aback at the proposal, but she doesn't want to lose a potential client for her company by saying a flat out "no". So, if he fulfills three tasks of her choosing, she will marry him.

Her first request: "Within two weeks, build an 8-lane bridge -- entirely made of platinum -- spanning from Japan to Los Angeles." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the bridge is completed in only 13 days! She is shocked that he is capable to accomplish this task within such a short time restraint.

Her second request: "Within one week, you must build a super-sonic overhead rail system that connects every major city in the USA, that takes only an hour to reach any city that the passengers desire." He replies: "I build! I build!" ... the rail system -- complete with 5,000 stops -- is constructed within 5 days!

Her last request: "I insist on having a husband with a twelve inch penis." He replies: "I cut! I cut!"

A millionaire makes friend with a hitman
They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman says: “sure, 5000 dollar for one shot. You get to choose where”. The millionaire says “I’ll take 2 shots, one on my wife’s mouth cuz she lied to me with that mouth and another one on that dude’s dick”
The hitman aims at the target but doesn’t fire for a long time. The millionaire asks him “what’s taking so long?”
The hitman says “chill dude I’m trying to save you 5000 dollar.”

A blonde woman walks into a bank in New York City before going on vacation and asks for a $5,000 loan.

The banker asks, "Okay, miss, is there anything you would like to use as collateral?"

The woman says, "Yes, of course. I'll use my Rolls Royce."

The banker, stunned, asks, "A $250,000 Rolls Royce? Really?"

The woman is completely positive. She hands over the keys, as the bankers and loan officers laugh at her. They check her credentials, make sure she is the title owner. Everything checks out. They park it in their underground garage for two weeks.

When she comes back, she pays off the $5,000 loan as well as the $15.41 interest.

The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very appreciative of your business with us, but I have one question. We looked you up and found out that you are a multi-millionaire. Why would you want to borrow $5,000?"

• ⁠


The woman replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.
'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the crocodiles are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, 'I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?' the millionaire asks.

The guy grabs the microphone and says, 'Why don't we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!'

How does a woman turn a man into a millionaire?
She marries a billionaire.

—Amor, ¿lucharías contra un tigre por mí?
—No, podría morir.
—¿Entonces me dejarías ver tu celular?
—¿Qué tan grande esta ese puto tigre?

"Aprende a apreciar lo que tienes, antes de que el tiempo te haga apreciar lo que tenías."

What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?

Bernadette.

Color vs Colour, Favorite vs Favourite, Neighbor vs Neighbour
British English: I think you're having problem understanding these words.
American English: no u.

I almost talked my way out of a ticket today by telling a female cop she was very attractive, but things went sour when I said "and that's not just the booze talking either".

- Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
- He couldn't control his pupils?
- No. It was caused by a laxative overdose.
- Oh, really?
- Yes. He couldn't control his poo pills.

- Why was the teacher cross-eyed?
- He couldn't control his pupils?
- No. It was caused by a laxative overdose.
- Oh, really?
- Yes. He couldn't control his poo pills.

Note to Self: Wearing headphones do not make my farts silent.

I hate it when people get simple sayings wrong.
I mean it's not rocket surgery!

I love how my mum always calls that app 'Tic Tac' instead of 'Tik Tok.'

It's like a breath of fresh air.

Masturbation is like procrastination, it’s all good n fun until u realize u r only fucking yourself.

Sometimes when they stop talking to you they start talking about you.

What's your favourite machine to use at the gym ?
Mine is the vending machine.

"I've built a model of Mount Everest."

“Is it to scale?"

“No, just to look at...”

I've just phoned the weak bladder helpline.
It's 1p a minute!

"Si te fijas, en realidad nadie nos decepciona, nos decepcionamos nosotros por tener expectativas muy altas de personas que son tan poco."

What was the Soviet Union’s most secretive insect?

The Cagey Bee.

- Mmmm, ¡velas!, ¿qué celebramos?
- Que nos han cortado la luz..

Unless life also hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.

Yesterday morning I called my neighbour to ask if he and his wife could enjoy each other a little more quiet.
He told me he wasn't home.

"Mom I have started dating our neighbour..."
"Anders?! But honey, he could be your father!" says mom.

Daughter replies "Mom, age is just a number!"

"I wasn't talking about his age!"

Heard my neighbours shagging for what seemed like ages last night, moaning, groaning and banging the headboard off the wall......turns out her elderly mother had fallen and cracked her head and was knocking on the wall with her walking stick for help.....
feel a bit guilty about the wank now.

Whilst trimming my neighbours hedge I was stung on the hand by a wasp. She told me that putting it in cider would soothe the pain.
Well I did that and not only did it do nothing to null the pain, I also now have a court hearing for sexual misconduct!

My neighbour is an avid gardener.
He was up digging at three in the morning.

And he's so good that the next day the police came to see his work.

My musician neighbour is scaring me.
I heard him fingering a minor.

I used to believe my neighbour when he said he slept standing upright.
But he's been lying.

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.
They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

Husband: Oh No! our neighbour has died.

Wife: Who, Ray?

Husband: I don't think cheering is appropriate Karen.

So my neighbour sees me bent over, busy in my garden. And she asks what I'm doing.
"I'm alphabetising all my plants"

"Really?! I don't know how you find the time!"

"It's right next to the sage"

My neighbour asked me to stop playing Oasis songs all night long
I said maybe...

My neighbour has a fetish for holidays.
I thought he was just jealous when he asked "Can I come in your suitcase?"

Neighbour's 8 year old son: Corona has looted half my inheritance
Me: How?

Him: My mom is pregnant.

My two British neighbours had their donkey escape from the barn, and are desperately looking for it.
They are assless chaps.

My neighbour was arrested for killing a black man.
He was charged with impersonating a police officer.

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.
Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

So my neighbour with the big titties is outside gardening topless again today.
I just wish his wife would do the same.

My neighbour knocked on my front door.
"Would you mind looking after the kids today?" she asked.

"Maybe," I replied. "How come?"

"Because one of yours is taking a shit on our front lawn!" she yelled.

"This chainsaw has three settings," my neighbour said, revving it. "And this one is the quietest of them all."


"You should try it on max," I replied.



He didn't like that. Max is his favourite child.

My neighbours recently made a sex tape ....
Well obviously they don’t know that yet!

I once knew a guy whos life's motto was love thy neighbour.
He lives next to a brothel.

The neighbour’s dog crapped in our garden, so my wife told me to get a shovel and throw it over the fence.
I don’t see what that solved. We’ve still got dog poo in our garden and the neighbours have our shovel.

Angry neighbour "You slept with my wife, I am going to make you pay for that!"
Man: Bullshit, why should I pay twice.

My neighbour just got arrested for growing weed.
I guess my property line isn't where I thought it was.

My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....
....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

A woman rings at neighbour's door. A man opens the door.
Woman: "Hey, I just moved in, and I am just applying wallpaper in the kitchen. I just saw yesterday that you freshly papered you kitchen as well, and I thought you may be able to help me out. How many stacks of paper did you buy to do the job?"

Man:"Well yes, of course! I bought 16 stacks of paper."

The woman thanks the man and goes on to buy 16 stacks of paper. When she was finished with the kitchen she returns to the neighbour.

Woman:" well thanks again for the advice, I am done and the new kitchen looks awesome! I am just wondering, I still have 6 stacks of paper left...?"

Man:"Yeah, me too."

My L‌‌esbian neighbours Jane a‌‌nd Caroline a‌‌sked m‌‌e t‌‌o h‌‌elp t‌‌hem c‌‌onceive a‌‌ c‌‌hild r‌‌ecently.
They s‌‌aid t‌‌hey w‌‌ouldn't m‌‌ind i‌‌f w‌‌e d‌‌id i‌‌t t‌‌he o‌‌ld f‌‌ashioned w‌‌ay a‌‌s t‌‌hey w‌‌ere desperate to have a baby.

For s‌‌ix m‌‌onths n‌‌ow w‌‌e've b‌‌een t‌‌rying b‌‌ut I‌‌ j‌‌ust d‌‌on't h‌‌ave t‌‌he h‌‌eart t‌‌o t‌‌ell t‌‌hem I‌‌ h‌‌ad a‌‌ v‌‌asectomy l‌‌ast y‌‌ear.