Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother in law.
Who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles. She gets off at 6.

Little Johnny called mother in law a fat cow during the dinner and got slapped upside the head by his father right away. But not hard. As was agreed.

What do you have when your mother in law is up to her neck in cement?
Not enough cement.

I had dinner with my mother in law the other night. Was gonna ask "would you to pass the salt, please".
But instead my tounge twisted and I said "You stupid cow. You've completely ruined my life."

My mother in law said she wanted to die a natural death.
So I've just dropped her off at the jungle.

A few years ago I called my mother in law fat and she still resents me for it.
I should’ve known that an elephant never forgets.

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law.
My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no, 6 should be enough.

A husband and wife had a fight.

Wife called her mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to stay with you.

Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to stay with you!

MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange her letters you get: WOMAN HITLER.

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man. 'This young man agreed to marry my daughter,' said one. 'No! He agreed to marry MY daughter,' said the other. And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence. 'Bring me my biggest sword,' said Solomon, 'and I shall hew the young man in half. Each of you shall receive a half.' 'Sounds good to me,' said the first lady. But the other woman said, 'Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him.' The wise king did not hesitate a moment. 'This man must marry the first lady's daughter,' he proclaimed. 'But she was willing to hew him in two!' exclaimed the king's court. 'Indeed,' said wise King Solomon. 'That shows she is the true mother-in-law.'

Harry was travelling down a country road in his native Yorkshire, England when he saw a large group of people outside a farmhouse.Favourite mother-in-law joke It was a cold January afternoon, so he stopped and asked Farmer Giles why such a large crowd of men was gathered there. The farmer replied, 'Eddie's donkey kicked his mother-in-law and she died.' 'Well,' replied the man, 'She must have had a lot of friends.' 'Nope,' said Giles.' We all just want to buy his donkey.'

Fred and Rick were in a pub. Fred says to his mate, 'My mother-in-law is an angel.' Rick replies, 'You're lucky. Mine is still alive.'

I took my mother-in-law to Madame Tussaud's chamber of horrors and one of the attendants said, 'Keep her moving sir, we're stocktaking.'

What is the difference between outlaws and in-laws? Outlaws are Wanted.

Adam and Eve were the happiest, and the luckiest, couple in the world, because neither of them had a mother-in-law.

A pharmacist tells a customer, 'In order to buy arsenic you need a legal prescription. A picture of your mother-in-law just isn't enough.'

Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two Mothers-in-laws.

Behind every successful man stands a devoted wife, and a surprised mother-in-law.

"My son has decided to turn vegan and won't eat any kind of meat.

What can I replace it with?"

"A Labrador. They'll eat anything."

My girlfriend asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I probably should've stopped when I got to her name.

Picking out the right Christmas tree is a science.

Sneaking into your neighbor's yard to cut it down is an art.

On a pub bet, I swallowed 106 duck feathers...it's been 5 weeks now and I still feel a little down in the dumps...

My wife said she'd like some peace and quiet while she cooks dinner..

So I've taken the batteries out of the smoke alarm. 🙄

What do you call a line of men waiting to get haircuts?

A barberqueue.

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a Martini.

The barman asks, "Olive or twist?"

If you wife says she is getting stressed over her weight... Whatever you do don't tell her to Lighten up.

I went Speed Dating once.

"Have you got any pets?" one girl asked.

"Yeah, a goldfish."

"Any hobbies?" she said

"Yes, he loves swimming..."

Don't cry because it's over

cry because you're ugly 😑

Sadly, after my friend's accident, he's now housebound.

He's got his finger trapped in a wedding ring.

What do we want?

A cure for obesity !

When do we want it ?

After lunch ....!

Спускается профессор логики в лифте, лифт останавливается, человек который хочет войти спрашивает:
— Этот лифт едет вверх или вниз?
Профессор отвечает:
— Да.

Tom buys a Harley Davidson. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub vaseoline on the chrome so it won't rust."
That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes."
They sit down and no one says a word.
As dinner... goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence. All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the vaseoline. The dad jumps up and says, "fuck off, i'll do the dishes."

Hated my job at the prosthetic testicle factory. It was sham bollock.

You are what u eat

i don’t remember eating a huge disappointment.

A friend got his name legally changed from Pert.
I guess he's an expert now.

What do you call a pansexual man named Nick who works at a cd store?
Pan Nick at the disc co.

Have a daughter named after my mother in law.
Passive-Agressive Psycho turns 5 next week.

A guy named Oedipus just hit me with a car.
That Motherfucker.

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.
He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

Grandma yells across the room: "Billy, what's the name of that german guy who drives me crazy?"
"It's Alzheimer, grandma".

I buy my guns from a guy named T-Rex.
He's a small arms dealer.

What do you call a guy who has pencils for fingers?
Mark.

What do you call a Russian with Tourette's Syndrome?
Yukanol Fukov.

What do you call someone with no legs and steel balls?
Sparky.

What do you call an Asian that gets on your nerves?
Anno Ying.

What do you call a man with a car on his head?
Jack.

What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.

If I were a Judge, I'd change my surname to Mental.

If Mr Baker's a Baker And Mr Butcher's a Butcher Then what's Mr Dickinson?

The most common surname in China is Chang.
Correct me if it's Wong.

What do you call an ex-member of NSYNC who only goes by his surname?
Just Timberlake.

Mez: what's your surname Selena?,
Selena: Gomez.
Mez: okay I'll go but what's your surname?

Germany has to be one of the smelliest countrys in Europe

-Its so bad they have a town called Cologne

Twenty-one is standing in a line, he's astonished that the person in front of him is the same guy behind him. He askes what their names are.

The person behind him says, " My name is Twenty." The person in front of him says, " I'm Twenty two."

- “Did you hear about the actress that stabbed her husband with a fork?...it was Reese... ohh what was her name..Reese..”
- “Witherspoon?!”
- “No I just told you it was with her fork!”

China has released the name of the first person who had the coronavirus
...Ah Chu.

- What is it called when a person named Shaun takes a break?
- Vaca-Shaun.

My friend just had three kids! He asked me what to name them. I said ‘James, Charles and Li Zhao’ He asked me why the last one was Li Zhao. So I said ‘Because every 3rd person born in this world is Chinese.

- What's a person with a single lease on their name called?
- Monalisa

- I once met a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
- What was the name of his other leg?

She fell in love with an acupuncturist but hated how he kept needling her.

Love is like a shadow, when you chase it, it runs away. When you turn back and walk away, it follows you.

When I was little, my mum used to always give me alphabetti spaghetti for my lunch..

She insisted that I told everyone that I really loved it.

I didn't ... she was just putting words in my mouth.

If I go to sleep at 5 in the morning, does it mean early or late ?

Being healthy is just the slowest possible way of dying.

Music was better when people who weren’t good looking were also allowed to make it.

How to warn someone not to hit their head:
1. Wait until they’ve hit their head.
2. Say “ooh, careful”.

reasons to date me:
1:
2:
3:
4:
5: please

I used to date a lovely one armed girl who worked at the local cinema as an usher before she dumped me...

I still carry a torch for her.

- Mi virtud es la paciencia.
- ¿Qué?
- Que mi virtud es la paciencia, ¡sordo de mierda!

Eres un agarrado, un tacaño asqueroso y no pienso casarme contigo, toma, te devuelvo tu anillo.
- ¿Y la cajita?

Si alguien te envidia, probablemente estás haciendo algo correcto.

What’s the difference between yogurt and your church?
The yogurt has an active culture.

— Describe tu vida amorosa en dos palabras.

— ¿Mi qué?

Anyone up for a trip to the guillotine museum? I’ll beheaded there later...

Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forward.

A woman in labor is literally kidding.

A visitor to a college campus paused to admire the new Hemingway Hall.

“It’s a pleasure to see a building named after Ernest Hemingway,” said the visitor.

“Actually,” said the guide, “it’s named after Joshua Hemingway. No relation.”

“Oh? Was Joshua Hemingway a writer also?” asked the visitor.

“Indeed,” said the guide. “He wrote a check.”

Two wealthy friends were standing outside of a bank, holding stacks of cash.

“What do poor people talk about?” one asked the other.

“Who cares?” quipped the friend.

My dad always wanted me to be a millionaire and thankfully I didn't disappoint him.
He died before he got a chance to see how poor I am.