Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I've got 99 problems and basically all of them could be solved by a salary increase.

Depression: “lets just do nothing today”

Anxiety: “but what if we do that WRONG?”

If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious grilled.

Work tip: Stand up. Stretch. Take a walk. Go to the airport. Get on a plane. Never return.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I'm doing my job.

My sexual desires have been getting out of control…

But it wasn’t until I spanked a statue that I knew I’d hit rock bottom…

Remember, when life gives you lemons, they are considered taxable income.

Test drove a Jaguar today. Very fast but the ride was bumpy and the saddle kept falling off. I also think he tried to bite me.

It's okay to talk to yourself.
And okay to answer yourself.
But sad when you have to repeat what you said because you weren't listening.

When your wife starts a sentence with "when you get a chance" just go ahead and start puttin' your shoes on... She means now.
*Follow me for more marriage tips.

-ДЖИН, ТЫ ПОЧЕМУ ТАК ДОЛГО НЕ ВЫЛЕЗАЛ ИЗ БУТЫЛКИ?
-ЗАСТРЯЛ В ПРОБКЕ.

What if I told you that slavery never ended, it was just disguised as employment.

Geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.

I said, "No way."

Единственная помощь, которую я готов принять от психотерапевта – это финансовая.

“How’s life?”
So much panic, very little disco.

"It's unbelievable how much you do not know about the game you've been playing all your life"

Stop saying you did your research before you got the injection.

You are the research.

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
~ Ernest Hemingway

I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.

Success is built fom stacking small wins.

People who live in glass houses shouldn't. It's embarrassing.

If you're wanting to know how to make your guitar playing sound better, stay tuned.

Twitter removed my joke about a rice cake. They said it was tasteless.

I just fired myself from cleaning my house. I don't like my attitude and I got caught drinking on the job

The old slaves were killed for reading. The new slaves won't read to stay alive.

Be selfish with your time. A lot of people don't deserve it.

I only offend stupid people and I'm sorry if that offends you.

Papa: Listen, it's a song by The Beatles.

Son: The who?

Papa: No, The Beatles.

- А ты от скромности не помрешь...
- Конечно, меня от зависти убьют.

I tried to learn PHP once.

Worst 2 minutes of my life.

I hate Cinco de Mayo said no Juan ever.

Web sites use cookies to improve performance. Same with me.

Drag racing is my favorite sport

I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.

Being a trans-woman is all fun and games until the male-pattern baldness kicks in.

I brew my coffee strong enough that it will show up in a drug test.

git commit -m "this better fucking work this time"

Me "can we do the Princess Leia gold bikini roll play?"
Wife *sigh* "on one condition"
Me "anything"
Wife "I'm wearing the bikini this time."

I'm extremely grateful that spiders don't scream back.

Age is just a number but when you turn 68 you're suddenly hopeful of being in a better position next year.

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat.

I've been repeating the same mistakes for so long now, I may as well call them traditions.

I'm no connoisseur, but Cardboarddeaux is not good wine.

Illegal IT pro tip:
The harder it is for others to understand your code, the harder it is to replace you.

I've been away from the gym so long that it asked me to call it James.

Looking for a married women, mad at her husband, who is willing to sell his fishing gear for cheap.

I only do what the voices in my wife's head tell her to tell me to do.

What disease did cured ham actually have?

The guy who invented, "Take Your Child To Work Day," probably forgot to drop his kid off at school on his way to work.

Note to self: turning off the speaker does not end the phone call.

You can never dig half a hole.

Money may not make me happy, but the freedom it will bring, definitely will.

Stop losing your mind over people that don’t mind losing you.

The sight of a woman's cleavage reduces a man's ability to think clearly by 50 %

Per boob.

I don't always have time to write documentation, but when I do, I still don't.

A long nap always hits best laying on the couch on a rainy day.

I don't hate any specific race.
I just hate running, period.

What's the difference between a bitch and a hoe?

The hoe fucks everyone at the party. The bitch fuck everyone but you.

Next time you’re in a fight with your wife,start undressing...She will instantly have a headache and fall asleep.

Lazy people fact #5761684381:
You were too lazy to read that number.

Every squad has that one person who has to go home early..

Dine her.
Wine her.
Eat her vaginer.

"UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity." – Dennis Ritchie

SELECT FINGER FROM HAND WHERE ID=3

I need a maycation, I may come back and I may not.

Recruiter: So why do you want to work at our office in Mexico?
Dev: I want to be a señor developer.

What does everyone think about the Anus as a hole?

My ex was like "I know a spot" then took me to the lowest point in my life.

My aptly named neighbor, Sue, is a lawyer.

Linux was originally made for personal use and not corporate companies, that is why it has /home but no /office.

True patriots despise their government because they love their country.

Note to self: these notes to self don't work.

Dating Profile: Neutral Good But A Fucking Dickhead About It.

People like you are the reason why the middle finger was invented.

If you have never wrote “boobies” on a calculator well then my friend, you’re to young for us to hangout.

What happens when a microscope bangs into a telescope?

A kaleidoscope.

I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity brings.

To be honest, I don't know what "TBH" and "IDK" mean.

So, it's okay for a cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors come, but,
when I do it, it's "rude" and "antisocial."

The average public swimming pool contains 75 litres of urine.

I have three eyes. Two to look and one to see.