Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Anal, because happiness often sneaks in a door you didn't think was open.

— Чем в России отличается проводы в армию от похорон?
— На одного пьяного меньше.

What does 007’s doorbell sounds like?

Dong. Ding Dong.

Easier to Ask for Forgiveness than Permission.

"It's Raining Men" and "Let the Bodies Hit The Floor" are the same song from different points of view.

Не судите человека по друзьям: у Иуды они были идеальны.

- Слышь, а Ванька-то, педераст, оказывается!
- Откуда знаешь?
- Жопой чувствую..

I lost my virginity just to make my dog happy...

Had an interview for a job as a farrier once. I was asked if I had ever shoed a horse. I said no, but I’d told a donkey to go away once.

Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.

If I had a dollar for every time socialism worked, I would have $0.

Which superhero won't stop thinking?

Wonder woman.

Dance like no one's watching. Sing like no one's listening.
Drive like no one knows you have
a corpse in the trunk.

'If socialists understood economics they wouldn't be socialists.'
— Friedrich Hayek

My friend is so lucky, his gf doesn't mind him checking as many asses as he wants!

By the way, he is a proctologist

Can anybody tell me if
"The skulls of your enemies" are dishwasher safe?

My rights are not up for negotiation because of your feelings.

Did you hear about the guy who got a window shoved up his butt?

It was a huge pane in the ass.

В семье был только один стакан, поэтому муж переставал пить, только тогда, когда жена лепила пельмени.

Какая разница между верным и неверным мужчиной?
У верного иногда бывают угрызения совести.

Sorry but I don’t answer private numbers.

Or numbers that I don’t know.

Or anyone, ever.

Also, don’t call me.

I'm not always the cunt.
Sometimes I'm asleep.

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order.

Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

ChatGPT is a woman because she know everything and she's always right.

I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart... but the meat is cheap so I don't ask questions.

Every girl is a stripper if you wait outside of her window long enough.

Some guys pay to see the pussy when they can look in the mirror for free.

- С одной стороны ты очень красивая...
- А с другой?
- А с другой стороны у тебя лицо.

- Что такое верх оптимизма?
- Это когда двое голубых покупают детскую коляску!

Rule .1 Make money.

Rule .2 Don't tell anyone you're making money.

If you trust the government you obviously failed history class.

Моника-Моника, поиграем в слоника !

Did you know there are no shepherds in shepherd's pie?

I had a pretty good chinese spy balloon joke, but it got shot down.

“Wealth is assets that earn while you sleep.”

— Naval Ravikant

Я знаю, что такое целлюлит ! Когда человек долго пытается думать жопой - на ней появляются извилины !

Behind every great ML model, there is an even greater training dataset.

Why does sexual reassignment surgery only have 2 gender options?

"The best error message is the one that never shows up."

- Thomas Fuchs

protip: buy toothpaste without fluoride and deodorant without aluminum.

Do you know where the term "mortgage" originally comes from? It originates from Latin, meaning "death pledge".

Eating ass is just a french kissing the other side of the mouth.

Having boobs helps me avoid having unwanted eye contact.

Патологоанатомы утверждают, что внутренняя красота человека сильно преувеличена.

Муж изменил, любовник бросил, никому верить нельзя...

all sex is casual sex if ur not wearing a bow tie.

– А ты знаешь, что Игорь амбидекстер?
– Кто?
– Игорь.

Наша Таня громко плачет... Съела баскетбольный мячик... Мама Тани тоже плачет... Сомневается, что мячик...

"Did you know Mortal Kombat is based on an old Scandinavian church song?

It’s a Finnish hymn."

NO, STUFF ISN'T GETTING MORE EXPENSIVE.

YOU'RE JUST BECOMING POORER.

Is it weird to get naked during a massage?
At what point can I ask the masseuse to put his pants back on?

Humans are proof that God makes mistakes.

Me: see, I told you I could fit all the Halloween decorations in one box.

My wife: stop calling our house a box.

При помощи обруча и лысого мальчика находчивый учитель астрономии показал детям Сатурн.

I drink enough coffee to solve all my current problems and create many exciting new ones.

Кот футболиста никогда не спит клубком.

My ass looks the best when I walk away

-me flirting

- Мама, мама, а что это вы с папой делаете?
- Папе пуговицу на брюках пришивала, теперь нитку зубами перекусываю...

"I'm not heartless, i just learned how to use my heart less."

"Хорошо там, где нас нет" - самая правдивая русская поговорка.

Saying "have a nice day" to someone sounds friendly
But saying "enjoy your next 24 hours" sounds threatening.

В Израиле национальность компьютера определяют по материнской плате.

Why is it considered harassment to talk about sex in the workplace but not to children at school?

In England Bigfoot is called Bigmeter.

My wife and I have started role playing in the bedroom, her favourite is 'Sexy librarian' where I have to sit quietly while she reads a book.

Нужно ли пить витамин д если твоя жена солнышко ?

- Девушка, где-то я вас уже видел.
- Да, я часто где-то бываю.

"No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness. "

-Aristotle

Do yourself a favor, get rich.

Be connected, not attached.

I like my coffee like I like my men,
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away.

Property tax is paying rent to the government.

I strongly believe that women hide their clit on purpose just to blame men for not finding it!

I misunderstood the meaning of “strip mall” and now I’m not allowed back.

Don’t chase what’s not chasing you.

Говорят, не повезет Если черный кот дорогу перейдет А пока наоборот Тедйереп угород ток ииынреч илсе тезевоп ен тяровог.

I juss wanna get rich the same way y'all get pregnant:

fast & unplanned.

My safe word is "meatloaf," because I would do anything for love, but I won't do that.

Did you know Harry Potter is a developer?

He is fluent in python.