Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have three eyes. Two to look and one to see.

The problem I have with thinking before you tweet is the whole thinking part.

My exit plan is to die.

Yes, I have imagined you naked.

But don't worry, I didn't enjoy it.

Panic mode is panic with a scoop of ice cream on top.

Don't be sad because it's all over, smile, because for a few miles, they thought you were a real bus driver...

Парень - девушке:
- Ты - как роза: красивая, манящая, но колючая.
- Неправда, я каждый день бреюсь!

- Почему большинство женщин не может уснуть после оргазма?
- Потому что им нужно еще до дома добираться!

One weird trick for avoiding hangovers: don't drink alcohol.

Only Robinson Crusoe had everything done by Friday.

Dating an older person is cool until they break your heart and you be like "" I trusted you like a parent""

Respect the pussy that gets wet for you.

Electric vehicle owners should ONLY be allowed to charge their cars using wind and solar power, otherwise it's just pretend.

My aunt Mary always came over to our house without telling us in advance.
We called her Mary Pop-ins.

My bucket list so far:
1. Buy a bucket
2. Write a list

Penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling.

My universe is my eyes and my ears. Anything else is hearsay.

Induction: the act of inserting ducks.

Deduction: the act of removing ducks.

Reduction: the act of putting the ducks back.

My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...

Life hack: Never, ever open a package that is buzzing and the exact size and shape of a swarm of bees.

So funny how Starbucks gets customers' names wrong. I told them my name is Karanbir and they wrote "Osama" on the cup.

В магазине: - Девушка, у вас есть бюстгальтеры для 9-го класса?
- Для 9-го класса? А точнее?
- Точнее? Для 9-го "А"

…пил только медицинский спирт и закусывал докторской колбасой, но здоровье почему-то становилось все хуже и хуже…

If my posts have ever offended you am very very sorry, I never knew you could read.

I'm a giver with aspirations to be a taker.

You don’t need religion to have a moral compass. You do need religion to cover up not having one.

There's two kinds of people: Those who always use dark mode, and those who are wrong.

I’m not a biologist but I’m pretty sure the difference between a moth and a butterfly is that a moth is really ugly.

So if size really matters, why do women moan when they’re fingered ?

I snatch kisses and....

Vice versa.

Before marrying someone, listen long and hard to the sounds of their chewing because that's the soundtrack to the rest of your life.

Physics is a way of misunderstanding nature at a much deeper level.

'Mathematics is the part of physics where experiments are cheap.'
-- V. I. Arnold

My ex was like "I know a spot" then took me to the lowest point in my life.

My toxic trait is just being myself.

I brought my gf coffee in bed this morning. She got excited, hot and wet.

Yeah, I spilled it on her..

Office romance is not ideal

But I like the woman in the office. They compliment me when I come early.

"If the Job won't go to the Data Scientist, then the Data Scientist must come to the Job."
-- popular saying

Аналитик знает не больше чем Вы, но его невежество лучше организовано.

When it’s April 2 and she’s still pregnant.

its really useful having a car...

...for keeping your bank account empty.

My love life is like a game of minesweeper

I ignore a bunch of red flags and it always blows up in my face.

Не люблю женщин, знающих себе цену - у меня нет мелких купюр!

Если детей воспитывать методом кнута и пряника - они вырастут жирные и в синяках.

Tired of being single, so I went to see a matchmaker today.

Left with a box of matches.

- Вспомни, как хорошо нам было вдвоем!
- Мне было хуево.
- Это неважно.

Медсестра отбирает пробу воды в бассейне. Плавающий рядом отдыхающий спрашивает:
- И что это будет?
- Общий анализ мочи по санаторию!

When She Put Both Nuts In Her Mouth 🤤... Oh You A Squirrel 🐿

If you don’t like reality, just ignore it.

My girlfriend says, the new breast implants make her feel uncomfortable.

But, I think I look sexy.

A programmer's wife tells him:
"while you are at the store,get some milk".
He Never Comes Back.

Учительница говорит классу:
-Файнштейн, Рубинштейн и Иванов по матери! Завтра в школу не приходите-будет арабская делегация.

Когда Елена Банько подписывалась, она никогда не сокращала свое имя до инициала.

Recently scientists discovered a new species of a bat whose sperm is extremely poisonous.

They named it Mortal Cum Bat.

—Doctor, sueño despierto con campos de amapolas.

—Son delirios.

—SON DE AMAPOLAS.

Яша Рабинович из очень бедной семьи поступил в музыкальную школу по классу ладошек.

The system was never broken, it was built this way.

I'm not sure how many cookies it takes to be happy, but so far it's not twenty seven.

If some of your moms would have just swallowed I would never get stuck in traffic.....

«Дурак стал нормой, еще немного — и станет идеалом».
Стругацкие.

- Немногие девушка знают, как получить удовольствие в сексе.
- Да, некоторым приходится буквально вдалбливать.

Для женитьбы нужны двое: одинокая девушка и озабоченная мать.

You can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

- А Роза Марковна-то у нас морж!
- Что, в проруби сегодня купалась?
- Нет, просто крупная и с усами.

Блондинка - программисту:
- Что делаешь?
- Собираю новый компьютер.
- А зачем ты разбирал новый компьютер?

Моральные правила не должны мешать инстинктивному счастью.
/Бертран Рассел/

Каким вопросом постоянно задаётся порноактер-философ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Я ебу?

A latte is really just an excuse for adults to order warm milk without sounding like a baby.

Она не выговаривала букву "р", поэтому в ее жизни было только будущее, настоящее и пошлое...

Masquerade parties are much more fun when you know the guy you’re fucking isn’t your husband 💕

Programming is 10% writing code and 90% understanding why it’s not working.

Ответственность - как шоколадка. Её лучше разделить на всех.

Важно не только оказаться в нужном месте в нужное время, но и принять нужную позу.

Told a co-worker she swallowed too many kids That's why everything out her mouth sounded childish
I meet with HR 9am tomorrow.

The Bible is only accurate when thrown at close range.

Петя хотел, чтобы родители подарили ему подушку. Но они подарили велосипед. Всю ночь он проплакал лицом в педали.

I'll stop being a conspiracy theorist when the rich and powerful stop conspiring.

- Доктор, а существуют какие-нибудь способы, чтобы увеличить член?
- Насколько я понимаю, Интернета у вас нет.

I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning
Nestles in the afternoon

I'm so torn on circumcision.

I mean, you're either foreskin or against it.