Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.
Another one sticks his head out and yells:
"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

Most men hope they will marry a nymphomaniac.
The problem is, that after a few years, the nympho leaves but the maniac is still there.

Does anyone know if the Arachnophobia Helpline has a website ?

I walked into the jewellers.
“I’d like to buy a watch please.”
“Analogue?”
“No. Just a watch.”

Pro-tip for anyone who ever has trouble sleeping through their alarms.
Sprinkle some herbs in your bed before going to sleep.

Guaranteed to help you wake up on thyme.

Never use a Ouija board to contact a dyslexic spirit.
It's too hard.

Remember, when you bury a body-
cover it with endangered plants so it will be illegal for anybody to dig it up.
Follow me for more tips.

With 2nd lockdown looming, I saw a man with 4 cases of San Miguel, 5 paellas and 7 sombreros, I think Hispanic buying.

My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!

Remember, before internet, how everybody thought the cause of dumbness was limited access to information?“

I wonder if Kevin Bacon movies are banned in Muslim countries?

Tomato is a fruit, right? Does that make ketchup a smoothie?

How can you tell a programmer is an extrovert? When you’re talking to him, he’s looking at your shoes.

Time is money. Therefore, ATMs are time machines.

I bought a universal remote control today. I’m kind of afraid of myself now…

Why are astronauts always so calm and efficient? Zero pressure in vacuum.

My iPod is in Titanic mode right now. It is syncing.

Stephen Hawking died. Have you tried turning him off and on again?

A superconductor comes into a bar. “Hey!” says the barkeep, “we don’t serve superconductors!” The superconductor didn’t put up any resistance.

IT paradox? - The warmer a computer becomes, the more it freezes.

Q: What happens when eight hobbits get together?
A: They turn into a hobbyte.

I would tell you a UDP joke, but you might not get it.

I went on a date with a chess player to an Italian restaurant with checkered table cloths. It took him maybe half an hour to pass the salt.

Romantic relationships can actually be represented in algebra. You for example, have definitely at some point looked at your X and asked yourself Y.

It's a fact that 100% of people who drink water will eventually die.

– It’s our anniversary, dear. How do you suggest we celebrate it?
– With a minute of silence?

A robber robs a bank, gets all the money and is about to leave, but before that he asks a customer who’s lying on the floor, “Have you seen me rob this bank?” - “Yes, sir,” says the customer and gets promptly shot. - “Have you seen me rob this bank?” the robber asks another customer. - “Absolutely not, sir, but my wife here saw everything!”

Marriage is an institution of three rings. Engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

I got a call telling me my wife’s been taken to the hospital. “Oh my Lord, how is she?!” I asked. “I’m sorry to say she’s critical,” said the nurse. “What the heck is she complaining about again?!”

I tried to re-marry my ex-wife. But she figured out I was only after my money.

Q: Why doesn’t our democratic society permit a man to have 2 wives?
A: Because our laws protect us against cruel and unusual punishment.

My wife’s cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.

A golden rule of the wife: There isn’t a problem in the world that couldn’t be created.

An elderly couple talk in the evening: “Honey, I’m so sorry that I let out my anger at you so often. How do you manage to stay so calm with my foul moods?” “I always go and clean the toilet when that happens.” “And that helps?” “Yes, because I’m using your toothbrush.”

I got all dewy eyed when I saw my husband looking at our marriage certificate for half an hour. Then I found out he’s been looking for an expiry date.

Life and beer are very similar .....chill for best results.

Alcohol doesn't turn people into somebody they're not.
It just makes them forget to hide that part of themselves.

Hear about the wall that went out on the town for its birthday?...
Got plastered...

Mayan: Hey wanna drink?
Other Mayan: I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.

Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."
Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"
Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

A bee goes into a bar,
It comes out 2 hours later buzzing.

Q: What do you call a man with a shot of whiskey on his head?
A: A taxi. Clearly, he's had too much liquor and is being a nuisance.

Q: Why don't Democrats drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering!

Q: When do women drink alcohol?
A: Wine O'Clock.

Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color.

Q: How does a man show he's planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one.

Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.

Q: What happens when a ghost drinks boos?
A: They get sheet-faced.

Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light?
A: He's the one dancing like an asshole!

Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila?
A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!

Don't want your friends to come over and drink all your beer during the quarantine?
Just tell them you have a case of Corona.

Q: You know what's fun about being sober?
A: Nothing.

Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A. So the Irish would never rule the world!

Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: "Olive or twist?"

Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!

Q: What is a man's idea of a balanced diet?
A: A Budweiser in each hand!

I’ve joined Alcoholics Anonymous.
Still drinking but under a different name.

I'm right 98% of the time.
Who cares about the other 3%?

If you ask Rick Astley for his copy of the movie UP he can't give it to you, because he's never going to give you up.
While at the same time he's let you down , thus creating the Rick Astley paradox.

I used to have an unhealthy obsession with the rock band Free, but I’m Alright Now.

Why don't you delete that song you always skip?

What’s brown and rhymes with snoop?

Dr. Dre.

I used to be petrified of walking under horse chestnut trees, but I’ve finally conkered it!

They all laughed at me when I said I was going to be a stand up comedian,
No ones laughing now.

Why does the Norwegian Navy have barcodes on the side their ships...so when they return to port they can scandinavian!

I stepped on a cornflake today! So I am a cereal killer now.

I’m over 40 years old and I’ve never used essential oils. Which makes me wonder how essential they really are.

I misplaced my pizza cutter, so I used my Bryan Adams CD

It cuts like a knife.

A few days after creation, the Lord called Adam and said, 'It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.'
Adam answered, 'Yes Lord, but what is a kiss?'
So the Lord gave a brief description to Adam who took Eve by the hand and took her over to a nearby bush.
A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, 'Thank you Lord, that was quite enjoyable.'
And the Lord replied, 'Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.'
And Adam asked, 'What is caress?'
So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and then Adam went behind the bush to caress Eve.
Quite a few minutes later Adam returned smiling and said, 'Lord, that was even better than the kiss.'
And the Lord said, 'You’ve done well Adam. And now I want you to make love to Eve.'
And Adam asked, 'What is to make love Lord?'
So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush.
But this time he reappeared in a few seconds and asked, 'Lord, what is a headache?'

A guy walked into a bar and was disqualified from the limbo contest.

My roommate has been trying to hide the fact that she's been masturbating while on her period.
But I caught her red handed!

I received my degree in calligraphy today...
I don't think it's going to help me get a job, but it looks good on paper...

What does Italian ghost eat?
Spookghetti

My book about peanuts made the Best Shellers list but not much money.

Fun fact: Australia's biggest export is boomerangs.

It's also their biggest import.

Time flys like an arrow.
Fruit flies like a banana.

As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.

Why isn’t suntanning a competitive sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.

Some of my friends have been making very hurtful remarks about me choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves...
but I don't like to point fingers...

Are female mannequins called womanequins ?