Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My wife was so angry with me she threw my clothes off the balcony. Unfortunately I was still in them but the nurses here are nice.

What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
Bird flu requires tweetment while swine flu just needs oinkment

My favorite childhood memory is....
My back not hurting.

В местечковую синагогу приехал ревизор.
– Куда вы деваете огарки от свеч?
– Отсылаем в город, а назад нам присылают новые свечи.
– А куда вы деваете крошки от мацы?
– Собираем, отсылаем в город, и нам присылают новую мацу.
– А куда вы деваете обрезки после обрезания?
– Отсылаем в город.
– И что вам присылают?
– Сегодня прислали вас.

Спят два математика. Одна говорит:
— Люблю, когда мне гадости шепчут на ушко.
— Пи равно трём.
— Фу как грубо! Ну не до такой же степени!

I know a bloke who reminds me a lot of Stevie Wonder.
He comes to my house every day and says “Do you remember Stevie Wonder?”

What's a good age to tell your Pet, he was adopted?

Why can’t skeletons play church music?

They don’t have any organs.

- потерпи, сначала всё будет очень очень плохо
- а потом хорошо?
- нет, потом ты привыкнешь

80% женщин любят мужчин с кубиками на прессе.
80% мужчин с кубиками на прессе не любят женщин.

At a job interview I filled my glass of water until it overflowed a little.

“Nervous?” asked the interviewer.

“No. I always give 110%”.

I took my wife out for our anniversary dinner last night and she kept saying she wanted to pay for the meal.

"Don't be stupid," I said, "we're halfway down the road now, just keep running".

Если у вас нет съедобного белья, для сексуальных игр можно использовать пельмени. Хотя если у вас есть пельмени, зачем вам сексуальные игры?

All his life Karl Marx only drank lemon tea.
He considered all Proper-tea to be theft.

I sometimes use phrases that I don't understand, and vice versa.

- Если бы у вас был миллион, что бы вы сделали?
- Я бы сделал вид, что у меня ничего нет.

Finally revealed: the leading cause of death for rats and mice
Research scientists

Entered a strip poker tournament last night.
I played my socks off

If a man with red hair owns a bakery, does that make him a gingerbread man?

I'm trying to start a chewing gum recycling company...
I just need a little help getting it off the ground...

Did you hear about the cannibalistic lion?

He swallowed his pride.

If your wondering what it's like to have a willy... It can be really hard sometimes.

Every time I see nickels, dimes and quarters I have a panic attack....
the Doctor says I'm afraid of change...

We call my Grandad Spider-Man. It's not because he has special powers, it's because he can't get out the bath.

If you think the Royal Albert Hall is big wait until you see the Royal Albert Living Room!

If HIV is a sexually transmitted virus , how did the 1st person get it?

Archaeologists have dug up a book called "Irish Dancing Part Two: What to Do with Your Arms"

I wonder “why we spend so much money on clothes to impress someone we wanna be naked with?”

My wife is so organised, I told her I wanted to be cremated, she's already booked an appointment for Monday.

I’m due back in court on Monday,charged with stealing 1,000 Scrabble tiles.
The judge says he is expecting an extended sentence.

"Which makes no sense" is spelled backward "esnes on sekam hcihw" which makes no sense.

What’s a Pirate’s favourite letter?
If you thought R you’d be wrong. Everyone knows a true pirates first love is always the C.

Sometimes I tuck my knees up to my chest and lean forward... That's just how I roll.

In paintball, you should be allowed to use a paintbrush as a knife.

Today I thought of a color that doesn't exist...

but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.

The film never ending story ran 1hr 47mins l asked for my money back.

Took Tina Turner to Wimbledon but I dont think she understood the scoring system.

My favourite childhood memory was building sandcastles with my grandfather, until mum hid the urn.

Surely not everybody was Kung Fu fighting ?

My least favourite colour is purple.

I hate it more than blue and red combined.

I’m giving up masturbating for an entire month.

Sorry, poor punctuation.

I’m giving up! Masturbating for an entire month.

A bloke tried to sell me a gadget at the pub tonight, he said it turns on your hi-fi, receiver, lights, even the garage doors. I said I'm not remotely interested.

Things I hate:
1) Lists
B) Irony
iii) Inconsistencies

I came home tonight to find my wife dancing erotic infront of the dishwasher. I asked her what she was doing, she replies well I've been trying to turn on the dishwasher and it not working...

At school I was rubbish at English but brilliant at Jograffy.

- What is the opposite of a croissant?
- A happy uncle!!

Air drums are far better than air guitars, you just can’t beat them!

A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze, the husband is shocked seeing his wife speechless.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is just lonely. That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?"

My dad worked 10 hours a day to put food on the table.
Great dad
But a really slow cook.

My cross-eyed wife and I are getting a divorce. We didn't see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.

Кассирша спрашивает у покупателя:
— Молодой человек, мелочь не посмотрите?
Покупатель:
— Ну... показывайте...

I’ve named the spider in my room Cotton eye Joe for two reasons
1/ where did he come from
2/ where did he go

Doctor: "Your wife's in hospital" Me: "How is she?" Doctor: "I'm afraid she's critical" Me: "Ah, you get used to that"

При помощи обруча и лысого мальчика находчивый учитель астрономии показал детям планету Сатурн.

This bloke just came up to me and said..
"Hello There"
I said
"I'm not There I'm Here".🤔

Thieves have been breaking into fabric stores. Based on the locations they seem to be following a pattern. Police have blanketed the area but still don't have any material witnesses.

At this moment some mom is using you as a bad example for her kids.

What if sleep is our natural state and we get up every morning to gather information for dreams ?

My wife left me because of my Beatles obsession.
Yesterday.

A man knocks on the door of a supposedly exclusive brothel. Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"
"I'd like to get screwed," he answers.
"This is an exclusive club," she explains. "To join, you must slip a thousand dollars under the door."
The man does so, but the door doesn't open. So he knocks again and the madam re-appears
The man says, "Hey, I'd like to get screwed."
The madam : Again??

All day I drill holes in metal and bolt them together.

At first it's boring, then it's riveting.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health and asked him:
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
The old man answered:
— 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor:
— 'Okay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died ...?'
— 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died???’
Doctor (surprised): —'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...? So how old is he now ....? '
— 'He is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor:
—‘This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's genes.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?’
—‘Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled):
—'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
— 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
—‘I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
Take a cold breath! —‘No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
because He is getting married today.’
Doctor (on the verge of going mad):
—‘What do you mean marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?’
— 'Who said he wanted to get married ....? He had to be forced.’
— 'But why ........’ shouted the Doctor!!
— 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'
The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since......
The clinic is closed.

A zoophile, a sadist, a pyromaniac, a necrophile, and a masochist find a cat on the street.
The zoophile says, "We should fuck the cat."
The sadist says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it, and then fuck it again."
The pyromaniac says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it with fire, and then fuck it again."
The necrophile says, "We should fuck the cat, torture it to death with fire, and then fuck it again."
The masochist says, "Meow."

If you ever need nothing I am here for you.

No Man has ever won the
"Did you notice something different about me?"
Quiz.

A friend complained about his excessive cell phone bill after travelling abroad to Italy. I told him that roam wasn’t billed in a day...

A human fart can actually be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that fact at my daughters school concert.

I have so much debt, I can start a government.

'I've been a very bad girl,' she said, biting her lip. 'I need to be punished.'
'Very well,' he said and installed Windows 10 on her laptop.

I've only got three records: two by Meatloaf and one by Michael Jackson.

So two out of three ain't Bad.

What did the baby corn say to the mamma corn?

Where's popcorn?

I can’t tell you how much I regret buying the flat above Lionel Richie.

The Manchester United team visited an orphanage today.
"It's heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope," said Johnny, age 6.

Did you hear Mike Tyson was just arrested for nearly beating a Pizza Hut waitress to death?
As he was finishing eating, she asked "Hey, mister, you wanna box for the rest of your pizza?"

I was in a band once called Earl Grey

We weren't everyone's cup of tea

First woman in space:
"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind."
What's the problem?
"Nothing."
Please tell us.
"I'm fine."

У моей жены выраженная женская логика. Любую мою просьбу она воспринимает как приказ.
А приказы она не выполняет в принципе. Из уважения к правам женщин.

If a man says something in a forest and his wife isn't there to hear him, is he still wrong?

What’s a perfect example of poor management? A prostitute getting pregnant.

How do you stop an elephant from charging? Take away his credit cards.