Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My girlfriend broke up with me when she found out I only have 9 toes.

She was lack toes intolerant.

My son has just qualified as an electrician, and started his own business. I suppose I’d better give him a plug.

Jane was one of those UGLY women, so ugly it hurts. She never had a boyfriend so she went to a Psychic for help.
"Honey," said the Psychic. "You will not have luck in love in this life. But, at the reincarnation, you will be a very desired woman and all men will fall at your feet."
Jane left very happy and so excited, as she went over a bridge she thought, "The sooner I die, the sooner my next life begins."
She decided to jump off the bridge right away. But, incredibly Jane didn't die!
She fell on the back of a truck full of bananas, she lost her senses and fainted. As soon as she recovered, still drowsy and not being able to see very well, and not knowing where she was, she started touching her surroundings, feeling all the bananas she mumbled with a huge smile on her face, "Gentlemen! Gentlemen! Please! One at a time!"

What is a horse’s favorite sport? Stable tennis!

I was on a train and the inspector asked, "Can I see your ticket?"
"No, it's in my pocket."
He wasn't pleased by my honesty.

I bought a second hand time machine next May....
They don't make them like they are going to anymore....

Tonight I’m gonna have possum soup made from Himalayan possum...

Because I found Himalayan on the road.

I just used the vcuum clener on my keybord. Brillint.

I recently try to hire a landscape Gardner, he said unfortunately he couldn't help as my garden was portrait.

I recently lost a court case against U2. The only lawyer I could afford was pro Bono.

I saved a picture of Jesus as the background for my laptop screen today...it's my screen saviour !

I could tell she loved me by the way she signed the restraining order.

I'm at that age when an "all nighter" just means I didn't need to get up to pee.

I went to one of those balls at the weekend where everyone wears a mask, police came in and arrested everyone, apparently it was a Masqueraid!

If there's one thing we've learnt from archaeologists it's that our
ancestors were extremely good at burying things.

A fine is a tax when you’ve been doing something wrong. A tax is a fine you get when you’ve been doing something right.

Салат рекурсивный. Состав: огурцы, помидоры, майонез, салат.

word of warning! never tell someone how good you think their Halloween mask is, until you are sure they are wearing one!

I spent half an hour trying to take off my girlfriend's bra. I gave up at the end. I wish I never tried it on in the first place.

Before surgery, my anesthesiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle......
It was an either/oar decision.

— Ты думаешь ты можешь вот так вот просто вырывать цитаты из контекста?
— Да (Евангелие от Матфея, 6 глава, 27 стих, 1ое слово).

SIRI, dime porque siempre la cago con las mujeres?
Soy ALEXA pendejo!

shepherd: i love my job
🐑: all you do is boss me around
shepherd: what did you say ?
🐑: you herd me

Tim Curry and Tim Rice are opening a new restaurant.

They're going to call it Tims.

I'm really upset because I got my doctor's test results.

turns out I'm not gonna be a doctor.

Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a day.

But teach him to play an instrument and he’ll be poor for the rest of his life.

Went bobsleighing last week,

Killed 30 Bob’s.

2 great benifits of exercising at home.
1.you dont have to pay.
2.you dont have to do it.

Watched an X rated musical the other day, nothing but gratuitous sax and senseless violins!

I wanted to make some puns about the periodic table but the best ones argon...

I start a new job tomorrow at a factory making thermometers...it's only a temp job!

If you're an atheist, what do you even scream out in bed ?

What ship holds 20 football teams but only three leave it each season?
— The Premier-ship!

Technically, you can't date someone half your age till you're 36 years old.

20 years ago today I asked my childhood sweetheart, my best friend and the most beautiful woman in the world to marry me.
All 3 said No!

My son told me, “Dad, I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, and now it burns.”

I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”

Yesterday is not ours to recover, but tomorrow is ours to win or lose.
Lyndon B. Johnson

A PESSIMIST sees a dark tunnel.

An OPTIMIST sees light at the end of the tunnel.

A REALIST sees a freight train.

The TRAIN driver sees 3 idiots standing on the track.

I'm so ugly
that people tell me to stop photo-bombing my selfies.

My mate Alan drives a Wagon delivering Cosmetics..
We call him Lorry Al..😀

My daughter told me she saw a deer on the way to school.

Me: “How do you know it was going to school?”

I'm starting an antisocial network. You're not invited.

What did the sushi say to the bee? Wasabee.

If god doesn't exist,how did Jesus walk on water?

What's the opposite of opposite?

Vegan.....a old world term for a person that can't hunt, fish or make fire.

Didn't realise 35 is the max age someone can be circumcised. Apparently that's the cut off age!

Did you know the word Boob shows a top view, front view and a profile view of Boobs ?

My handwriting is so bad, that Google uses it for captcha.

What's the name of that Turkish super hero?
Otto Man.

Yesterday I spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do for him.

Whenever I make my spousal support payments... I usually use Fed-Ex...

I once saw a band called Blankets and Sheets.

They were a cover band!

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

I've started sleeping in our fireplace. Now I sleep like a log!

Wife: Dear, how do I look?

Husband: With your eyes.

My husband thinks our sex life has got boring and I'm easily distracted. Oh well, better get back to it I Suppose.

Two cats are having a swimming race. One is called “One Two Three”, the other “Un Deux Trois”. Which cat won?

“One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.

Why should bowling alleys be quiet?
So you can hear a pin drop.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.
Clint Eastwood

Yesterday, I asked a dozen random people at the market what LGBTQ stands for...I never got a straight answer.

What is a banana’s favorite gymnastic move?
The splits!

I started investing in stocks.
Nothing too crazy- beef chicken and vegetable.
One day I'll be a bullionaire.

"Kazakhstan is friends of all except Uzbekistan, they are very nosey peoples with bone in brain."

- Borat

I saw my doctor yesterday & dropped my pants to show him the big boil on my bottom. He wasn't the least bit interested, just carried on pushing his trolley around the supermarket.

My grandpa has the heart of the lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

Recently read a book called 101 facts about binary. It was the best 5 things I ever learned.

- Святой отец, я хочу исповедоваться.
- Да, сын мой.
- В прошлую пятницу я переспал с мужчиной.
- И не перезвонил.
- Что?
- Что?

Все дети собирали макулатуру, а одна девочка метала лом.

Why do hamburgers go to the gym?
To get better buns. #punoftheda#haha

Yesterday I saw an ad that said: Radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full.
I thought: I can’t turn that down.

I bought an alcoholic ginger beer.

He wasn’t pleased.

I've just heard on the news that enough rain fell on 4th October to fill Loch Ness. I wasn't aware it was empty.

“The dimensions of what we have fucked up in this country are beyond any coherent explanation.”

—Hunter S Thompson

Asked to choose between a booty and a famous painter.
I Picasso.

My 4 year old nephew has been learning Spanish all year, but still can’t say the word please...I think that’s poor for four!

I gave my girlfriend a pendant with a picture of me inside it.
I’m Independent.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.
Mae West

People are always concerned about the planet we’re leaving for our kids, but nobody cares about what kind of kids we’re leaving for the planet.

American scientists have finally found out what a woman wants. Unfortunately, she changed her mind since then.