Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I went into Greggs today and asked, "How much are sausage rolls?"

"£2 for two," the assistant said.

"How much for one?" I enquired.

"£1.20," she replied.

"I'll have the other one," I told her.

If you put a compass in space , witch way it will point ?

I've an idea for a new telly show...it's called 'Doctor Whom'. An English teacher travels through time correcting people's grammar...

I found a photo of myself from when I used to be a boxer. If you turn it sideways it looks like I'm standing up

...People who say their Wedding Day was the best day of their life, have never had two Kit Kats fall from a vending machine at once!

I'm an avid campaigner for the preservation of endangered animals.
You should taste my panda jam.

If an orphan takes a selfie, is it considered a family portrait?

- Как вы вообще додумались в ведомости на зарплату пририсовать себе лишний ноль?
- Я художник, я так вижу.

Planning a trip to Australia next year and there's a question asking whether I have a criminal record.
To be honest, I wasn't aware that I still needed one.

2 blondes in a pub when a handsome young man with dandruff walks in....
One blonde says "He needs head and shoulders"
The other blonde says "How do you give shoulders???

Ярмарка коллекционеров. Выставляют раритетную почтовую марку.
Вокруг толпа! Все глазеют и благоговеют.
Вдруг - чел! С разбегу, пинками, коленями и локтями протиснулся и припал взором...
Народ с почтением: Вы филателист?
-Нет!!! Я пидарас!!! Но мне тоже интересно!

I know several jokes in sign language.
I guarantee you,no one has ever heard them before.

Welsh guy persuades his girfriend to try anal for the 1st time.
He says "If it hurts too much yell the safety word & I'll stop."
She says "OK, what's the safety word?"
"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch"

I ran over 5 miles today.
Like, what are the odds they were all named Miles? Crazy.

Заходят в бар бодипозитивный гей, инвалид и негр-трансвестит, а бармен им и говорит:
- Бля, пацаны, да это «Оскар»!

bird cop: we found two victims, bludgeoned to death
bird detective: any murder weapons?
bird cop: just one stone
bird detective: *lowers shades* my god

- What do you call a line of men waiting for a haircut ?
- A barberque !

A policeman is at the scene of a terrible accident. Body parts are everywhere and the officer is making notes of what is where.He comes across a head and writes in notes, "head on boolevard". This doesnt look right so he crosses it out and writes "head on bullevard". That doesnt look right either so he writes " head on boullavard" which still doesnt seem right. The officer looks around to make sure no one is watching and kicks the head, then he writes "head in garden"

My friend's been ill in bed for the past couple of weeks, so I went around today and took some DVDs and a bottle of wine.
Fingers crossed she won't notice they're gone.

3 men were waiting outside the labor ward of the hospital. A nurse came out to tell the 1st man: "Congratulations. You are the father of twins." "Twins!" he exclaimed "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Co.!" 5 mins later, a nurse came out to tell the 2nd man: "Congratulations. You are the father of triplets." "Triplets!" he said "What a coincidence! I work for the 3M Organization!" The 3rd man stood up & muttered: "I need some air. I work for 7-Up.

Sex is like a restaurant - sometimes you get excellent service, sometimes you get very poor service, and sometimes you just have to settle for Self-Service" !!!!!

- what did one vagina lip say to the other?
- "we used to be so tight until we let some dick cum between us"

Just seen Elvis in B&Q...
Returned a sander!

- Опишите свою внешность.
- Привыкнуть можно.

Американские хакеры решили повлиять на результаты выборов в России, но не смогли зарегистрироваться на сайте госуслуг.

Anxiety is like when video game combat music is playing but you can't find any enemies.

На допросе в в следственном комитете:
- Вы когда-нибудь крали?
- Только в интересах России.

A beginners guide to Chromosomes
XY Male
XX Female
YYY Delilah

One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'. The blonde said it was hers. 'Your dog seems to be in heat' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.' The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred'. 'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'

The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.'

Americans say "elevators" but, in the UK, we say "lifts" because we've been raised differently.

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?
''No,' she replies. She said ..... "You're just the first man who happened to catch my eye."

- Я мужчина твоей мечты.
- Ты пиздабол.
- Так совпало.

Q. My child doesn't want to eat meat. With what can I replace it?
A. A dog, dogs love meat.

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in
October 1995, between a US Navy ship off the coast of England, and the British authorities.
The transcript was released by the MoD on 10/10/95.
BRITS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
BRITS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITS: Negative. I say again. You will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS ACCOMPANY US.
I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
BRITS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

What hits the ground first a leaf or an emo?

The leaf because the rope stops the emo.

LOST DOG: 3 legs, blind in left eye, missing right ear, tail broken, recently castrated... Answers to name of " Lucky " .

'Just Married' sounds like they are already disappointed......

Nothing is made in America anymore. My new TV has a sticker that says “Built In Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

My top 3 assumptions when the doorbell rings
1. Murderer
2. The police telling me everyone is dead
3. The book I ordered about positive thinking.

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "quick, bring me a beer before it starts."
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer.
When he finished it, he said, "quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer.
When it was gone, he said, "quick, another beer, it's gonna start any second."
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"
The husband sighed. "Oh shit, it's started"

- Я не буду работать за такие смешные деньги!
- Ну и иди отсюда нахер! Найдём того, кто будет.
- Хм-м-м... Странно. В книге "Как добиться успеха" было написано совсем другое...

While on vacation, one of the men at the lighthouse told me he was a keeper. I left quickly. He wasn’t my type.

- Why were the rappers late for their flight?
- They forgot Tupac.

Shout out to all those asking what the opposite of in is!

There are two rules in life,
1. Never give out all the information.

I went to my mate's wedding and
I whispered to a bloke next to me "isn't the bride a right ugly bastard".
"Do you mind? That's my daughter you're talking about"
"I'm really sorry, I didn't know you were her father"
"I'm not. I'm her mother you cheeky cunt !!!

George found Tim, lying beside the road after a car accident. Tim was crying hysterically.

George stopped and ran to him.

*"Tim! Are you all right?"*

Sobbing, Tim moaned,

*"Look at my new car!"* pointing to it, wrapped around a tree.

*"Hey, man. Don't cry. You can always get another car."*

*"But look inside the car."*

George did and said,

*"Aw, dude, that's terrible. But don't cry! You can always get another girlfriend."*

Tim wailed,

*"Look inside her mouth..!!"* 😶🙄

My daughter thinks I don't give her enough privacy.
At least that's what she said in her diary.

"Мужчина-лайт" за свою жизнь должен сделать три вещи:
- посадить луковицу в банку с водой, - сколотить скворечник и - вырастить домашнее животное.

Success is like pregnancy.
Everybody congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

I wonder if that kid in the Dreamworks logo has caught a fish yet...

Customer: Hi, can you tell me the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first
Customer: ok I'll have a Guinness
Barman: Certainly sir
Barman: There you are, that'll be £4.80 please.
Customer: Thank you, can I have the password now please?
Barman: you need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lowercase...

J.F.K, Charles de Gaulle, Indira Ghandi... Why are so many world leaders named after airports?...

A woman woke up and told her husband of about her last night's dream. "I was at an auction for dicks. The big ones sold for $1,000 and the tiny ones for $10." The husband says, "What about one my size?"

His wife responds, "Didn't get a bid," and then laughs to herself.

The husband wants revenge, so the next morning he tells his wife about his dream last night. "I was at an auction for vaginas. The really tight one's sold for $1,000 and the loose ones for $10."

His wife says, "What about ones like mine?"

The husband smiles and says, "That's where they held the auction.

Harry Potter brand condoms: Protect your Slytherin from Hogwarts while you're in her chamber of secrets.

Cannibal
(n.) Someone who is fed up with people.

The fact that there's a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

My wife's not talking to me because I didn't open the car door for her... I just panicked and swam to the surface.

Пётр Иванович Здец признан человеком года в России в 2020.

Many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

- William James

Random person: What do you call the god of thunder that cleans?
Me: jani-THOR 😆

The detective looked at the rectangular box on the bed and instantly solved the mystery. It was a brief case.

Who sang Stayin' Alive?
A. Gees
B. Gees
C Gees
D. Gees

ust got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.
Spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

Why did the Viking buy an old boat?
He couldn’t a fjord a new one.

When I was in college, all the fraternities rejected me because I was circumcised.
You had to be a complete dick.

Dwayne Johnson changing his name to The Rock was one of his boulder decisions!

Buddy: A cannibal took my wife to see a Russell Crowe movie.
Me: Gladiator?
Buddy: No, I really miss her now.

Колдун с волшебной палочкой ищет ведьму с волшебной дырочкой.

- Думаю, голубчик, что вам нужно срочно выпить и потрахаться.
- Я хочу сказать, что психолог вы очень даже ничего!

Why Couldn’t COVID Get A Drink At The Bar?
Cuz COVID 19.

Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?

The opposite of right.

My girlfriend is leaving me because she says I am more obsessed with football than her and we have been together for four seasons.

I’m a bit upset tonight because the missus has left me; she says I relate everything to cricket.

It’s hit me for six.

I thought swimming with dolphins was expensive until I went swimming with sharks.. It cost me an arm and a leg.

Loneliness is when masturbation lost its fun.

My ex broke up with me for making too many Linkin Park references.
But in the end ... it doesn't even matter.

I'm not saying I was an ugly baby but people used to stop my mum and admire my pram.

Patient: “Doctor, I have a phobia against marriage”
Doctor: “Do you know why that is?”
Patient: “I can’t say I do”

- What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
- One's a super hero and the other's a simple instruction.