Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady.
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver!

Don't try to eat the chickens in Minecraft.

They're too gamey.

-Did you hear Putin was nominated for the Nobel Prize?
-In chemistry, I assume?

I love chemistry puns, but all the good ones Argon!

Bands that never quite made it:
Huey Lewis & the Weather Forecast.

Я написал книгу про нарциссизм. На мой взгляд, получилось великолепно!

- Поручик, давайте поговорим о прекрасном!
- С удовольствием, мадам! А где?
- Вон в той беседке в конце аллеи!
- Чудесно! Если, конечно, там не насрали.

Tanya lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Tanya says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

I’m not paranoid....even though you all think I am!

Satan just bought a sports car. He's hell on wheels.

The more you make your girlfriend laugh, the more you see her boobs jiggle.

i once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels.

unfortunately she didn't know i existed.

I'm not good at deciding on colognes and clothing, so I'll ask my friend Tommy.

Hilfiger it out!!!!!!

my grandad beat my nan to death ,he didnt kill her ,he just died before she did.

My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because..

..We got along well.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody can stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake.

A man was shot yesterday with a starting pistol. Police are speculating that it was race related.

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.
But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

'Of course I won't laugh,'' said the nurse. ''I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.''
''Okay then,'' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest dick the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself the nurse started giggling,then fell to the floor laughing.Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.''I am so sorry,'' she said. ''I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,what seems to be the problem?''
…..
........
............
.................''It's swollen,'' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room..

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig);)

Your childhood ends the day you realise that sleep is a reward and not a punishment.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite, I was so outraged .

I packed her things and left.

Врач больному:
— Вас будет оперировать студент- практикант.
— Ой, вы что! А если он меня зарежет?!
— Ну, тогда мы ему двоечку поставим.

Currently, I’m positive that the biggest negative to my moving to DC, is that I’m constantly being charged with battery.

I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."

"That's a freebie."

— Я хочу детей, но я
не хочу быть беременной
или рожать, но я так же
не хочу усыновлять, потому что я хочу, чтобы они были моими, понимаете, в чём проблема?
— Фактически ты хочешь
быть отцом.

A kid who just learnt alphabet must look at keyboard and think adults are idiots.

- What do cars do at the disco?
- Brake dance.

So I went through my wife browser history today, and I found that she's been watching videos of men making their own sandwiches. Sick bitch.

Cop: Can you describe the guy who stabbed you.
Me: Yeah he was not very friendly.

I accidentally called the fire department so i set my house on fire so i wouldn't look stupid.

Does anyone know how much a crematorium employee urns in a year?

The German word for bra is ...

stoppemfrumfloppen.

Я такой старый, что у меня жена - женщина.

If you see a toilet during

a dream, do not use it.

My email password got hacked again.
That's the third time I've had to rename the cat.

A bitch is a dog. A dog barks. Bark is on a tree. A tree is part of nature. Nature is beautiful. So ladies, next time someone calls you a bitch, thank them for the compliment.

I rushed to the hospital this morning.
The doctor said, "Your wife has been in an accident, and she's got an eight inch wide gash."
I said, "I know doc, but has she suffered any injuries?"

A farmer had 5 female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to
the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who
owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs
and
split everything 50/50.
The farmers lived sixty miles apart, so they agreed to drive thirty miles
each and find a field in which to let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5 A.M.,
loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, (which was the only vehicle
he
had) and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if
they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they're lying in the grass tomorrow morning,
they're pregnant. If they're in the mud, they're not." The next morning
the pigs were rolling in the mud, so he hosed them off, loaded them into
the
family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week and both farmers were
worn out.
The next morning he was too tired to get out of bed. He called to his
wife, "Honey, please look outside and tell me whether the pigs are in the
mud
or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they're all in the station wagon and one of
them is honking the horn."

Власть людей не портит, она шлифует то скотство, которое у них уже есть.

Открылась горячая линия по вопросам отопления. Теперь каждый может позвонить и узнать, почему линия горячая, а батарея в квартире нет.

I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost. I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door!

Census Taker: "How many children do you have?"
Woman: "Four."
Census Taker: "May I have their names, please?"
Woman: "Eenee, Meenee, Minee and George."
Census Taker: "Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?"
Woman: "Because we didn't want any Moe."

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

"Why?" asks the father.

"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"

"But that's right!"

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"

"What's the fucking difference?" asks the father.

"That's what I said!

Yesterday I purchased a world map...gave my wife a dart and said to her "throw this and wherever it lands, I'm taking you for a holiday".
Turns out we’re spending three weeks behind the fridge.

FUN FACT
5 adult hogs can eat a pedophile in less than 8 minutes.

Why was the king only 12 inches tall?
.. because he was a ruler.

I treated the wife to one of those 'fish pedicures' and I must say I was very pleased with the result.

Those piranhas don't fuck about!

Dictatorship:
A boat filled with phallic shaped potatoes.

Обидно, когда девушке нужен курортный роман, а ты курортный Александр.

yesterday i changed a light bulb , crossed the road and walked into a bar ..... My life is a joke.

Analogy is not the study of butt holes.

If money is the root of all evil, why do they ask for it in church?

I love bumping into people wearing camouflage and apologizing because I did not see them there.

My Dad lost his job at the cemetery after burying someone in the wrong hole.

It was a grave mistake

What a totally boring party I went to last night on the moon. There was just NO atmosphere.

If it’s true that stress can cause weight loss, then why the hell am I not invisible?

Imagine your card declines at a hospital after you gave birth and they start shoving the baby back inside.

A police officer came up to me tonight and said, "Where were you between four and six?" I said, "Kindergarten."

Из объяснительной:
Прошу не расценивать мои действия, как сексуальное домогательство, ведь с учётом духа времени, на первом свидании я потрогал её за лобок, чтобы убедиться, что у неё отсутствует х,й".

- Алло, это ФСБ?
- Да.
- А правда, что вы все видите и все знаете?
- Да.
- А какой глаз я сейчас зажмурил?
- Шоколадный...

I went to an outdoor restaurant last night. It was a disaster. Pouring with rain. It took me almost 2 hours to finish my soup.

I just cut down a tree just by looking at it.
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes.

100 years ago, most people had a horse and only the rich had cars. Today, most people have a car and only the rich have horses.
The stables have turned.

I can't stand people who get well known sayings wrong. I mean, it's not rocket surgery.

Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The BAA-BAA shop

One of my daughters wants to marry the mailman, but I won’t letter!

My parking skills are unparalleled.

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Put a little boogie in it.

How much do cockneys spend on shampoo?

Pantene.

I decided to become a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.

В магазин "Всё для тебя" завезли рассветы и туманы.

The last remaining manufacturer of yardsticks has announced: they will make them no longer.

How did the people who created the first clock know what the time was?🤔

When she left me due to my Gambling Addiction

😢 All I could think about...

How can I win her back?

I had an E mail off Google saying they could read maps backwards. I thought that's spam.

He claimed that his dog had retrieved a ball he’d hidden a mile away, but I thought it sounded far fetched.

Ladies:
If your man is willing to give you the moon and stars, you should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

My doctor told me to cut down on sodium, but I'm taking his advice
with a pinch of salt .

As a blonde crawls out of her wrecked car, the local sheriff asks her what happened.
The blonde began, "It was the strangest thing! I looked up and saw a tree, so I swerved to the right. Then I saw another tree, so I swerved to left. Then there was another tree, and another and another ..."
The sheriff thought for a minute and then said, "Mam ... I don't know how to tell you this, but the only thing even resembling a tree on this road for thirty miles is your air freshener.