Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Владимир Владимирович почему в России все дорожает?.. Тут вы не правы, вот рубль например дешевеет.

Build a man a fire he will be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.

Сын с мамой едут в автобусе. Напротив мужчина в военной форме.
- Мама, кто этот дядя?
- Офицер, как папа.
- А почему он не пьяный?
- Не знаю, наверное, триппер лечит...

Working as a writer is cool.
But editing is more rewording.

I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now!

Where do mermaids get there bras from ?

Ничто так не украшает спящего мужчину, как ребёнок с фломастерами.

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool👀. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool😊, and he falls off again👀. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.'' The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair😳?''

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Doctors don't actually save lives, they just delay deaths. So, they are just death snooze buttons.

I used to live on a houseboat and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart...

Если в школе бросает пить военрук - она становится гимназией, а если трудовик - тогда лицеем!

Мужику надоело лежать на диване. Он хотел уже встать и что-нибудь сделать.
Но тут пришла жена и сказала: вставай уже, сделай что-нибудь!

Генетики пока не могут объяснить, почему у чиновников и депутатов рождаются дети-миллиардеры.

Если вы хотите похудеть, то носите худи, а если потолстеть - толстовку.

"Без гандона приятнее..." - к такому выводу единогласно пришел коллектив, обсуждая отпуск начальника.

Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar....
Can't tell me that's not a coincidence!

Старый еврей перед смертью:
"Дети мои, эти часы выгодно купили мой дед, мой отец и я. Традицию нарушать нельзя: кто из вас хочет выгодно их купить?"

Finally found my wife’s g spot.
Her sister had it all the time.

A General was visiting the troops at the battlefront.
As he walked along the battle line inspecting the soldiers, a sniper bullet whistled overhead.
"What the devil was that?" he roared.
"It's an enemy sniper, Sir", they answered.
"He's been shooting at us for about two weeks.We know exactly where he is."
"Well, why the hell don't you send someone out to kill him?"
"Sir, if we did that, they might replace him with someone who could shoot straight."

My boss said, “I find it highly suspicious that you are only sick on weekdays.”

I said, “It must be my weekend immune system.”

Пока жена спит - ты ни в чем не виновен.

I told my carpenter I didn’t want carpeted steps.
He gave me a blank stair.

I just bought an answering machine!

What should I ask it?

Some people cry when they cut onions.

I, on the other hand, try not to form an emotional bond.

Spelling errors are embarrassing.
You mix up 2 letters, and your
whole post is urined.

It's rare that a defibrillator fails, but nobody's shocked when they do.

What starts with T, ends with T, and is full of T?

Teapot.

I had an odd-job man in to help me do some work around the house. I gave him a list of 10 things to do. He only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9.

How did the date between Oxygen and Potassium go??
"It went OK.

Two retired English teachers were sitting on their beach chairs at the seaside. One of them asked, "Have you read Marx?" His friend replied, "Yes, I think it's from these wicker chairs!"

- Доктор, я пришёл на анализ говна!

- Фекалий?

- Нет, Георгий - в направлении же написано!

If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
Thanks for the Baghdad!

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then well talk about the car.'
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.
The boy said, 'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.'
Your going to love the Dad's reply:
... ... ... his father replied,
'Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?

This should be posted in every school or kid's bedroom. (11) RULES KIDS WILL NOT LEARN IN SCHOOL.
*Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!
*Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.
*Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.
*Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.
... *Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping - they called it opportunity.
*Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them. *Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you think you are: So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.
*Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HASN'T. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.
*Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF -that's for your own time.
*Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs. *Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one! ~Most recent rendition written by Charles J. Sykes... So if you can read this... Thank a Teacher. If you can read this in English... Thank a Soldier! And for life and everything else you have... Thank God & your parents!! Now.... think about this and smile and feel free to repost if you choose!

Just caught our window cleaner peering through the window at the missus undressing so I nicked his ladder.

I've also told him that if I catch him doing it again, further steps will be taken!!

"WHAT DO WE WANT?"
"MORE CAT NOISES"
"WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?"
"MEOW!!"

Why did the angry doctor go out of business?

Because he was losing his patience.

My wife dumped me for only talking about video games.
It’s such a ridiculous thing to fallout 4.

My friend told me, "Your wife and daughter look like twins!"

I said, "Well, they were separated at birth."

Porn is fake as fuck my friend tried to fuck his Stepmom now his is homeless !!

Strange new trend at the office. People putting names on food in the fridge.

Today, I had a tuna sandwich called Samantha....

What’s the difference between a dog and a marine biologist?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

The other day I gave up my seat to an older blind lady.
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver!

Don't try to eat the chickens in Minecraft.

They're too gamey.

-Did you hear Putin was nominated for the Nobel Prize?
-In chemistry, I assume?

I love chemistry puns, but all the good ones Argon!

Bands that never quite made it:
Huey Lewis & the Weather Forecast.

Я написал книгу про нарциссизм. На мой взгляд, получилось великолепно!

- Поручик, давайте поговорим о прекрасном!
- С удовольствием, мадам! А где?
- Вон в той беседке в конце аллеи!
- Чудесно! Если, конечно, там не насрали.

Tanya lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage.
Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Tanya says she'd go out, but didn't know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies:Mum! I have someone for you to meet.
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Lake District.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks: Why the black panties??
She replies: My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.
He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit, except that he is wearing a black condom.
She looks at him and asks: What's with the black condom??
He replies: I want to offer my deepest condolences.

I’m not paranoid....even though you all think I am!

Satan just bought a sports car. He's hell on wheels.

The more you make your girlfriend laugh, the more you see her boobs jiggle.

i once fell in love with a girl that only knew 4 vowels.

unfortunately she didn't know i existed.

I'm not good at deciding on colognes and clothing, so I'll ask my friend Tommy.

Hilfiger it out!!!!!!

my grandad beat my nan to death ,he didnt kill her ,he just died before she did.

My next door neighbor and I are very good friends, so we decided to share our water supply, because..

..We got along well.

Perks of being an adult: Nobody can stop me from eating an entire cake.

Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake.

A man was shot yesterday with a starting pistol. Police are speculating that it was race related.

Lance is an uncommon name nowadays.
But in medieval times people were named Lance a lot.

'Of course I won't laugh,'' said the nurse. ''I'm a professional. In over
twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.''
''Okay then,'' said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest dick the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery. Unable to control herself the nurse started giggling,then fell to the floor laughing.Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.''I am so sorry,'' she said. ''I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,what seems to be the problem?''
…..
........
............
.................''It's swollen,'' Fred replied.
She ran out of the room..

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig);)

Your childhood ends the day you realise that sleep is a reward and not a punishment.

My wife accused me of being a transvestite, I was so outraged .

I packed her things and left.

Врач больному:
— Вас будет оперировать студент- практикант.
— Ой, вы что! А если он меня зарежет?!
— Ну, тогда мы ему двоечку поставим.

Currently, I’m positive that the biggest negative to my moving to DC, is that I’m constantly being charged with battery.

I went to the beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra."

"That's a freebie."

— Я хочу детей, но я
не хочу быть беременной
или рожать, но я так же
не хочу усыновлять, потому что я хочу, чтобы они были моими, понимаете, в чём проблема?
— Фактически ты хочешь
быть отцом.

A kid who just learnt alphabet must look at keyboard and think adults are idiots.

- What do cars do at the disco?
- Brake dance.

So I went through my wife browser history today, and I found that she's been watching videos of men making their own sandwiches. Sick bitch.

Cop: Can you describe the guy who stabbed you.
Me: Yeah he was not very friendly.

I accidentally called the fire department so i set my house on fire so i wouldn't look stupid.

Does anyone know how much a crematorium employee urns in a year?

The German word for bra is ...

stoppemfrumfloppen.

Я такой старый, что у меня жена - женщина.

If you see a toilet during

a dream, do not use it.