Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

There was a man who had a 28-inch dick.
He was tired with all the inconveniences that came with it and no doctor was able to help him. Desperate, he went to talk to the village witch. The witch said, "Go to the Seventh Mountain and look for the Mystical Frog. He can speak; you just need him to mutter the word 'no' and your dick will shrink by 7 inches."

So the man traveled there and, sure enough, he found the Mystical Frog meditating. He went over to the frog and said, "Hey Frog, let's you and I have sex!" The frog was shocked and replied, "What the hell's your problem? NO!" The man's dick shrunk by 7-inches; things were looking good.

He asked the frog again, "Come on, Froggy, let's get it on!" to which the frog replied, "Did you not hear me just now??? I said NO!" and his dick shrunk by another 7-inches. At this point, the man just needed to make the frog say it one more time so that he'll have just the perfect size. "Come on, buddy. Let's do it! You know you want to!"

The frog turned red with rage and angrily shouted, "What is wrong with you? How many times do I have to repeat myself? I said NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!"

I was surprised when my dad revealed he was a mystical chemist...
He said that the world was ending and I was the only one to stop it. He handed me a blue and yellow pill and told me to swallow it. Reluctantly, I swallowed it in a big, hard gulp.

Suddenly, my legs started to run away and everything became small. I even crashed through the roof!

A dark presence started hitting my dad! He lay on the floor, shaking and aching.

"Dad! No!" I shouted, "but I'll get him back, I promise, I'm huge!"

My dad, laying in pain, whispered with his last, trembling breath...

"H-hey Huge, I'm d-dad..."

My Eastern philosophy guru told me ...
"To grow in enlightenment, you must live in harmony with the mystical Source of everything."

"Wait," I said. "I thought you told me last week that enlightenment came from sudden bursts of insight when meditating on a koan."

"Well," he replied, "that was Zen. This is Tao."

What did the mystical fire breathing beast say when he was really tired getting out of bed?
"Man, I'm really dragon this morning!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a fridge and a hipster playlist?
A: Cool music!

Q: What do you get when you combine a Starbucks and Yoga class?
A: I don't know, but there's probably a hipster close by.

Q: What was the hipster doing at the computer?
A: Looking in the recycling bin for something retro.

Q: How do you know if Shakira is still cool?
A: Hipsters don't lie.

Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway?
A: Because its underground.

Q: What do you call a dictator who wants to save the environment?
A: Adolph Hipster.

Q: Why do hipsters only use the microwave.
A: They don't like conventional ovens.

Q: How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog?
A: Put it in a man bun.

Q: Why are all the ugly chicks hipsters?
A: Because beauty is just too Mainstream!

Q: Why do hipsters love ice?
A: Because ice was water before it was cool.

Q: What do you call a hipster with a speech impediment?
A: Mumblr.

Q: What do you get if you cross a hipster with a vampire?
A: Count swagula.

Q: How do you kill a hipster?
A: Stab it with a Pitchfork.

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: He drank low fat non whip frapp before it was cool.

Q: How much does a hipster weigh?
A: An instagram.

Q: Why did the hipster leave his oceanside mansion?
A: It was too current.

Q: How do you drown a hipster?
A: In the mainstream.

Q: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: You wouldn't know, it's kind of an obscure number.

Q: Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
A: Because he ate his food before it was cool.

What does Karen and Karma have in common?
They both can be real bitches and bite you in the ass.

What is racist Karen's favorite movie?
Minority Report.

Why did Karen complain to the store manager about her photocopier?
She didn't like its tone.

What’s the difference between a Karen and a puppy?
Eventually, the puppy will grow up and not whine as much.

An anti-vaxxer, an entitled woman, and a Karen walk into a bar
She demands to speak to the manager.

Why doesn't Karen use a dildo?
To come plain.

What does Karen do when she wants to see all her friends?
She closes her eyes.

What city do all Karens come from?
THE AUDACITY.

What's the difference between COVID and a Karen?
One's a contagion, the other's a cunt aging.

Karens husband dies. After a few days, she starts missing him, so she buys an Ouija board and contacts her husband.

Karen: Honey, can you listen to me?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Are you happy in afterlife?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Is it better than your life on earth?

Husband: Yes

Karen: Nice. So how's heaven?

Husband: Who said I'm in heaven?

Why are Karen's so bad robbers?
Because they don't wear a mask.

In France, we have Karens too
They are called "American tourists".

What is a large group of Karens called?
A homeowners association.

Why did Karen press Ctrl+Alt+Delete?
She wanted to see the task manager.

What kind of clothing do Karens wear?
A lawsuit.

What’s the male version of a Karen called?
I don’t know but a group of them is called a Senate.

Karen goes to the psychic...
"Two men, Bob and Carl, both want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?"

"You will marry Bob. Carl will be the lucky one."

Karen came into my restaurant the other day and asked, "Can you tell me about the menu please?"
So I kicked her out and told her that the men I please are none of her business!!

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately
Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this labs nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals all my life, and they never let me down. Now, will you do things my way or do I need to talk to the hospital management?

Doctor: Sure, sure, lady. We'll do things your way. Does an astrology-based approach work for you?

Karen: That's better! Of course it would!

Doctor: What's your birth sign?

Karen: Cancer.

Doctor: Well what a fucking coincidence.

What's a Karen's favorite drink?
Whine

What do you call a group of Karens?
A waste of space.

How many Karens did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One.

She just holds the lightbulb in the socket and expects the rest of the world to revolve around her.

- What is a Karen called in Europe?
- An American.

People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.

Can someone tell me why so many ancient battles were fought on tourist sites?

I'm very attracted to the lady that sells apples.
I really want to be
In cider.

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter Chewbacca not so much.

I said to my wife "When I die," I'd like to die having sex"

She replied: “At least it’ll be quick.”

When two people kiss, they create a long tube from butthole to butthole.

The judge says I'm a repeat offender, but he always says that.

FYI, if a cop asks if you have a police record,
"Roxanne" is not the correct answer!

I'm making a model of my wife out of salt.
It's a Lot of work.

An old French lady had a small shop in her village for years until one day a huge corporate supermarket set up across the road from her little shop.

They put up signs advertising their prices, including one that said:
Butter - 10 francs.

In response, the lady added a sign to her own window:
Butter - 9 francs.

The next day, the big supermarket had a new sign:
Butter - 8 francs.
Sure enough, the day after the lady's sign now read:
Butter - 7 francs.

This went on for a while, until eventually one of the lady's customers pointed to the sign and said,

“Madame, you cannot keep your prices so low for long. These big companies can use their buying power to sell products cheaper, but a little store like yours can never compete."

In response, the old lady bent forward conspiratorially and muttered,

"Monsieur, I don't even sell butter."

Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would never have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house."

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

Why do they call them hemorrhoids?

Because asteroids was already taken!

I just released my own dad fragrance.

Nobody else in the car seemed to like it.

I was watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra when all of a sudden the guy on the triangle just disappeared...

Мужик у ceксопатолога:
— Док, слишком рано кончаю... Никакой семейной жизни, жена недовольна...
— А вы купите стартовый пистолет.
— ??? — Ну когда "подойдет"
— пальните в воздух и вас "отпустит". сможете дальше продолжать... Через 2 недели приходит тот же мужик чернее тучи:
— Док, я с женой развелся...
— ???
— Ну понимаете, купил я этот хренов пистолет. Решили заняться с женой ласками перед ceксом. Поза "69", чувствую — "подходит"... Достал пистолет, как долбану в потолок... Мало того, что мне на лицо насрали, так еще и сосед из шкафа с поднятыми руками вышел...

I vote no president next term. America needs to be single for a while and just focus on herself.

The clocks go back this month, trouble is I can’t remember where I bought mine !

Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children... old girlfriends tend to get offended.

When Trump was asked if he handled covid properly, he responded....

I’m positive.

- Фима, вы таки немножечко не в курсе, как определить возраст рыбы?
- По глазам..
- А как?
- Чем дальше глаза от задницы, тем она таки старше...

Владимир Владимирович почему в России все дорожает?.. Тут вы не правы, вот рубль например дешевеет.

Build a man a fire he will be warm for the night. Set a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

How many beers does it take to get a tropical bird drunk?

Toucans.

Сын с мамой едут в автобусе. Напротив мужчина в военной форме.
- Мама, кто этот дядя?
- Офицер, как папа.
- А почему он не пьяный?
- Не знаю, наверное, триппер лечит...

Working as a writer is cool.
But editing is more rewording.

I came out to my Car this morning, and it was completely covered in fallen leaves..
..you could call it an Autumnobile now!

Where do mermaids get there bras from ?

Ничто так не украшает спящего мужчину, как ребёнок с фломастерами.

A man is in a bar having a drink. The guy next to him falls off of his barstool👀. The man picks up the guy and sits him back on the barstool😊, and he falls off again👀. This time he picks the guy up and asks, ''Where do you live?'' Being a kind soul, the man takes the guy to his car, puts him in the back seat, and drives him home. When they get to the guy's house, the man helps the guy out of the car, but he falls down 3 times before getting to the front door. The man rings the doorbell and the guy's wife comes to the door. The man says, ''Hello, I've brought your husband home.'' The wife looks at the man and asks, ''Where's his wheel chair😳?''

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

They said i couldn't be good at poetry because i’m dyslexic.

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they are lovely.

Doctors don't actually save lives, they just delay deaths. So, they are just death snooze buttons.

I used to live on a houseboat and started seeing the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart...

Если в школе бросает пить военрук - она становится гимназией, а если трудовик - тогда лицеем!