Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q: What do blondes consider to be safe sex?
A: Locking the car doors!

- Why did the angry Jedi cross the road?
- To get to the Dark Side.

- How did Reese eat her ice cream?
- Witherspoon.

Did you hear that Clint Eastwood opened a preschool? It's called "Go Ahead and Make My Day Care Center".

- What did Mark Wahlberg feed Ted?
- Nothing he was already stuffed.

- What did the cow say when it wanted to go to the movies ?
- Let’s go to the moovies...

- Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?
- He had no-body to go with.

- What was the movie about the dog called?
- The woof of wall street.

I wonder if the 2 Irish kids off the Titanic movie who went to sleep before it sank had wet dreams?

- Why couldn’t the kitten watch the movie?
- It had a violent cat-e-gory.

- What’s a bird’s favorite movie?
- The Parrots of the Caribbean.

Show me Karl Marx's grave and I'll show you a Communist Plot.

A shaved pussy is a busy pussy. Don't let these girls fool you. You will never see grass on a busy road.

Q: What does Abraham Lincoln have in common with a poor quality pirated movie?
A: They were both shot in a theater.

Yo mama so fat when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.

Yo mama’s so fat, she works in the movie theater as screen.

They Are making a movie about clocks.
It’s about time.

There’s a movie about constipation. It hasn’t come out yet.

- Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
– Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

I don’t understand why in horror movies they make digging a grave look so easy, It usually takes me days...

- What’s a orphans favorite movie ?
- Home alone.

My grandfather was there when the titanic sank…he shouted 3 times that it was gonna sink until they Finally kicked him out of the movie theater…

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

Yo mamma is so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY BAR WITH NO BAR STOOLS?
A: A fruit stand.

Q: TWO GAY GUYS WERE HAVING SEX WHEN THEY BOTH DIE AT THE SAME TIME. WHO GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
A: The one who had his shit packed.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY COUPLE?
A: TOGAYTHER.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY MIDGET?
A: A lowblow.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY SCIENTIST?
A: A homo-geneous.

Q: HEAR ABOUT THE GAY ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED COP?
A: He got so excited his first day on the Job he jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOBO AND A HOMO?
A: A hobo doesn’t have any friends, but a homo has friends up the ass.

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY TRUCKERS?
A: They exchanged loads.

Q: WHAT DO DOCTORS PRESCRIBE FOR A SORE ASSHOLE?
A: Bengay.

Q. DID YOU KNOW 75% OF THE GAY POPULATION WERE BORN THAT WAY?
A: The other 25% were sucked into it.

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO HOMOSEXUAL JUDGES?
A: They tried each other.

-Ты где был?
-В шахматы играл
-А почему водкой пахнет?
-А что шахматами должно пахнуть?

Top tip for the men.
Next time you sunburn your legs, take viagra.
It don't work but it keeps the sheets off your legs at night.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

A young man starts work at a large corporation and on his first day comes upon a ladder going upwards with a sign "The Ladder too Success". He takes his first step and, fights and claws his way up until he sees a sign, "You are almost there. Only a few more rungs to success." The now old man, finally gets to the top where he is greeted by a big fat greasy looking troll with his schlong hanging out, "Hi. My name is Cess !

I will be joining a school that teaches people how to smoke weed. It's a High school.

I have a C joke you cannot object it.

Q: Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
A: Because she mislaid them.

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY DINOSAUR?
A: Mega-sore-ass.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL LETTER?
A: Only came in male boxes.

Q: WHY IS FRED FLINSTONE A CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL?
A: He has a gay old time.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL ELECTRON?
A: Went around blowing fuses.

Q: WHAT DOES A HOMO SAY TO ANOTHER GAY GOING ON VACATION?
A: Can I help you pack your shit?

Q: WHY DON’T GAYS SHOP AT SPORTS AUTHORITY?
A: Because they prefer Dick’s.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Stopwatch Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch you're doing and pay attention!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity
That's impossible.
Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Owls say
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you—hand over the cash!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Nun
Nun who?
Nun of your business!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Leaf Leaf Who?
Leaf Me Alone!

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Witch one of you will give me some Halloween candy?

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Ken Ken who?
Ken I come in?
It's cold out here.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wire.
Wire who?
Wire you always asking ‘who’s there’?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken!

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: Wooden shoe.
A: Wooden shoe, who?
Q: Wooden shoe like to know!

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Gladys.
A: Gladys, who?
Q: Gladys the weekend—no homework!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dejavu.
Dejav who?
Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help getting in the door!

I once taunted the emperor of Russia.
I was using TSAR-casm!!!

On his deathbed, a husband gasped weakly to his wife, "Please, my dear, I want you to grant me one last wish."
"What is it?", she asked.
"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ken from next door."
"But I thought you hated Ken?", she said.
"I do", said the husband.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!

I have a node Joke but I cannot express it.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are, asking all these questions?

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY VEGETARIAN?
A: He still eats meat.

Q: WHAT IS GAY PRIDE?
A: A group of homosexual lions.

Q: WHAT DOES ONE GAY SAY TO ANOTHER HOMO SITTING AT THE BAR?
A: Do you mind if I push in your stool?

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A NOVEL IS HOMOSEXUAL?
A: The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ESKIMO AND A GAY GUY?
A: A snowblower.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOUNCER IN A GAY BAR?
A: Flame thrower.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY RABBIT? He found a hare up his ass.

Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE A HOMOSEXUAL?
A: When you make Justin Bieber look straight.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY BOXER?
A: Fruit Punch!