Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Q: Why do blondes wear tampons?
A: Because crabs like bungee jumping too!

Q: What do you call a policewoman who shaves her pubes?
A: Cuntstubble.

Q: Why is a woman's pussy like a public restroom?
A: They both feel good, but you wonder who has been there before you!

Q: What's the difference between balls and a pussy?
A: the harder the pussy, the more balls you need.

Q: What do homosexuals and mice have in common?
A: They both hate pussy!

Q: Why do women have vaginas?
A: So that men will speak to them!

Q: What do the Mafia and a pussy have in common?
A: One slip of the tongue, and you're in deep shit.

Q: Why is a vagina just like the weather?
A: When it's wet, it's time to go inside.

Q: How is a pussy like a grapefruit?
A: The best ones squirt when you eat them.

A 9 year old girl has disappeared after using moisturiser that makes you 10 years younger...

Why does someone who runs marathons make a good student? Because education pays off in the long run.

If I had a Delorean, I'd probably drive it time to time.

- Я знаю, что ты зоофил.
- Откуда?
- От верблюда.

I've decided I cannot blame Pizza Hut for my weight gain. If I'm being honest, it was more of a Domino effect.

Molly: you remind me of a man
Polly: what man?
Molly: the man with the power
Polly: what power?
Molly: the power of voodoo
Polly: oo doo?
Molly: you do
Polly: do what?
Molly: remind me of a man...

If you're waiting for the waiter, doesn't that make you a waiter?

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes : "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note: "USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from HIM: "I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!! USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

What did Kevin Bacon name his son?
Chris P. Bacon.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat...
She said it rang a bell, but she wasn't sure if it was there or not.

What do you call it when you take a shit in a bank? A Deposhit.

Favorite movie line for a blacksmith?
May the forge be with you.

How Do Mathematicians Communicate?
-They Use Sine language

I went into Sainsbury's this morning and picked up a can of fly spray.

I asked the assistant, "Is this good for wasps?"

And she replied, "No, it kills them."

This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the heck is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "Good God! How big are the cats?"

I was so ugly when I was born,
The doctor slapped my mother .

I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday, it caused immense pain to ma toes.

So, I read a study the other day claiming that "humans eat more bananas than monkeys".

Which - to me - sounded a bit obvious. I can't remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Chess Player goes abroad to see his Czech Mate.

I lost a £20 bet with friend at a game of chess.
I asked him how he wanted paying, he said “cheque mate”.

Ninty year old man goes to confession. "Father, I just had sex with three 18 year old triplets from Sweden". Father says "That's not exactly a sin- why are you telling me?" Man says "I'm telling everybody!"

- How do you get a blond off of her knees?
- Cum!

What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend? 45 minutes!

If my wife didn't sleep with her mouth open I'd have no sex life at all.

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it. Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that." She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family." With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it. The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Being told I was going deaf was very difficult to hear.

I dig, you dig, he digs, she digs we dig, they dig.
It’s not a long poem, but it’s deep.

Q: What do you call a battery powered air conditionner?
A: DC-AC.

Women are perfectly capable of making independent decisions. they don't need any guydance.

Q: What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A: A father-in-law.

I've been trying to organise a Hide and Seek tournament for some time, but it's not easy.
Good players are hard to find.

Two red blood cells met and fell in love, but alas! It was in vein.

My son, Luke, loves that we named our kids after Star Wars characters. Our daughter, C3-PO, not so much.

How far up do bald people go when they wash their face ?

My wife asked me to buy something that made her look sexy again. So, I bought a crate of larger.

According to a recent study people tend to believe any sentence that starts with according to a recent study.

Why aren't koalas actual bears?
They don't meet the koalifications.

"What's Harry Potter's favorite way to get down a hill? Walking. JK, rolling."

"Любите баб на свежем сене!…" - писал поэт Сергей Есенин... "А лучше… всё же…на опушке!" - упоминал об этом Пушкин …"Ведите всех на зерноток…" - настаивал на этом Блок.."Неважно ГДЕ… важно КАК…!" -заметил мудрый Пастернак…!

Маленький Моня жалуется:
— Дедушка, только что двое протестантов отобрали у меня все деньги!
— Ничего, внучек. Они вернут в 7 раз больше!
— Почему?
— Сейчас они это отметят. Затем затеют пьяную драку. Набьют друг другу морды, повыбивают зубы. Ну, а потом придут их лечить ко мне.

The new lead singer of Dire Straits is Chris Rea.
From now on they will be called Dire Rea.

I once wrote a sitcom about Airplanes, but it never took off.
Everyone thought the pilot was terrible.

- Waiter, this soup is cold!
- It's gazpacho, Sir.
- OK. Gazpacho, this soup is cold!

I wanted to make a good joke about Liam Neeson, but discovered all the best ones were Taken.

А вот в Советском Союзе никакого коронавируса не было. И люди были здоровы и жили себе счастливо до самого расстрела.

It's not everyday that you get a hand job from your barber, then again not everyone cuts their own hair.

Why was the man selling yeast?
So he could raise some dough.

Wanted to come up with a good joke about trees but I I'm stumped.

A Chinese couple had a black baby an they name him "sum tin wong🤔😏"

Medusa must be sexiest Goddess ever lived. Why? Just one glance and your hard.

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it’s your scenter!

Never date a Woman that can’t respect Ur Wife🙄

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long. They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.

An angry wife was complaining about her husband...
.... spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot.

His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"

"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"

- What did the receptionist at the sperm bank say to clients as they are leaving ?
- Thanks for cumming !

TODAY'S WORD OF ADVICE:
IF YOU HOLD SOMEONE LONG ENOUGH UNDER WATER, THEY STOP BEING A CUNT!

An Illegal Immigrant picks up a hooker.
"Hey, how much you charge for DA hour, sister?" he asks.
"$100" she replies.
In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?
"No" she says.
"I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
"No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
"I pay you $300."
"No," she says.
"I pay you $400.
"No," she says....So finally he says,
"OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."
She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?
So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, they finish.
Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was ok. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

I used to think that you were a pain in the neck. My opinion of you has dropped significantly lower since then.

No thanks, I didn't fight my way to the top of the food pyramid to become a vegetarian.

We got divorced on the grounds of religious differences. My husband thought he was God.

Q: What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
A: One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.

What’s the difference between deer nuts and beer nuts? Beer nuts are two dollars, but deer nuts are under a buck.

Architects are good at coming up with concrete plans.

I went to see an acupuncturist. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

Guy: I cut the G-string fingering the minor.
Girl: What the hell! You’re disgusting! How could you even tell me that!
Guy: Whoa! Relax mate. I cut the g-string on my guitar, while practicing that minor chord.

Little-known fact:
A pronoun is an upgrade from an amateur noun.

Did you hear? Dracula retired and he's writing poetry now. That's right-
He went from bat to verse.

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.
One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".
The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter."
The child went back to tell her father what mommy said. A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."
The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

Sent my hearing aid back for repair 3 weeks ago, have heard nothing since.

Grandma forwarded me a fantastic recipe for cooked pork and ham. She says she finds them all the time in her Spam folder.