Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Does anyone remember the Swatch, a watch made in Switzerland? Thank god Croatia didn't come up with the idea first. Just imagine if someone were to ask you what time is it? "Oh pardon me while I look at my crotch."

I had a broken vacuum, then I put a One Direction sticker on it and it suddenly sucked again.

Q: Why is Peter Pan always flying?
A: Because he neverlands.

Yo mamma is so old she knew Burger King when he was a prince.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY BAR WITH NO BAR STOOLS?
A: A fruit stand.

Q: TWO GAY GUYS WERE HAVING SEX WHEN THEY BOTH DIE AT THE SAME TIME. WHO GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
A: The one who had his shit packed.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY COUPLE?
A: TOGAYTHER.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY MIDGET?
A: A lowblow.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY SCIENTIST?
A: A homo-geneous.

Q: HEAR ABOUT THE GAY ROYAL CANADIAN MOUNTED COP?
A: He got so excited his first day on the Job he jumped on his whistle and blew his horse.

Q: WHAT’S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A HOBO AND A HOMO?
A: A hobo doesn’t have any friends, but a homo has friends up the ass.

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY TRUCKERS?
A: They exchanged loads.

Q: WHAT DO DOCTORS PRESCRIBE FOR A SORE ASSHOLE?
A: Bengay.

Q. DID YOU KNOW 75% OF THE GAY POPULATION WERE BORN THAT WAY?
A: The other 25% were sucked into it.

Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE TWO HOMOSEXUAL JUDGES?
A: They tried each other.

-Ты где был?
-В шахматы играл
-А почему водкой пахнет?
-А что шахматами должно пахнуть?

Top tip for the men.
Next time you sunburn your legs, take viagra.
It don't work but it keeps the sheets off your legs at night.

I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.

A young man starts work at a large corporation and on his first day comes upon a ladder going upwards with a sign "The Ladder too Success". He takes his first step and, fights and claws his way up until he sees a sign, "You are almost there. Only a few more rungs to success." The now old man, finally gets to the top where he is greeted by a big fat greasy looking troll with his schlong hanging out, "Hi. My name is Cess !

I will be joining a school that teaches people how to smoke weed. It's a High school.

I have a C joke you cannot object it.

Q: Why couldn't the chicken find her eggs?
A: Because she mislaid them.

Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY DINOSAUR?
A: Mega-sore-ass.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL LETTER?
A: Only came in male boxes.

Q: WHY IS FRED FLINSTONE A CLOSET HOMOSEXUAL?
A: He has a gay old time.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE HOMOSEXUAL ELECTRON?
A: Went around blowing fuses.

Q: WHAT DOES A HOMO SAY TO ANOTHER GAY GOING ON VACATION?
A: Can I help you pack your shit?

Q: WHY DON’T GAYS SHOP AT SPORTS AUTHORITY?
A: Because they prefer Dick’s.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Stopwatch Stopwatch who?
Stopwatch you're doing and pay attention!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Opportunity
That's impossible.
Opportunity doesn't come knocking twice!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Owls say
Owls say who?
Yes, they do.

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Howl.
Howl who?
Howl you know if you don't open the door?

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Robin.
Robin who?
Robin you—hand over the cash!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Nun
Nun who?
Nun of your business!

Knock! Knock!
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, here I come!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Leaf Leaf Who?
Leaf Me Alone!

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Witch.
Witch who?
Witch one of you will give me some Halloween candy?

Knock, Knock!
Who’s there?
Ken Ken who?
Ken I come in?
It's cold out here.

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Wire.
Wire who?
Wire you always asking ‘who’s there’?

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Figs.
Figs who?
Figs the doorbell, it's broken!

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: Wooden shoe.
A: Wooden shoe, who?
Q: Wooden shoe like to know!

Q: Knock, knock.
A: Who’s there?
Q: Gladys.
A: Gladys, who?
Q: Gladys the weekend—no homework!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Dejavu.
Dejav who?
Knock! Knock!

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Needle.
Needle who?
Needle little help getting in the door!

I once taunted the emperor of Russia.
I was using TSAR-casm!!!

On his deathbed, a husband gasped weakly to his wife, "Please, my dear, I want you to grant me one last wish."
"What is it?", she asked.
"Six months after I die, I want you to marry Ken from next door."
"But I thought you hated Ken?", she said.
"I do", said the husband.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold outside, let me in!

I have a node Joke but I cannot express it.

Knock! Knock!
Who's there?
Voodoo.
Voodoo who?
Voodoo you think you are, asking all these questions?

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY VEGETARIAN?
A: He still eats meat.

Q: WHAT IS GAY PRIDE?
A: A group of homosexual lions.

Q: WHAT DOES ONE GAY SAY TO ANOTHER HOMO SITTING AT THE BAR?
A: Do you mind if I push in your stool?

Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A NOVEL IS HOMOSEXUAL?
A: The hero always gets his man in the end.

Q: WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU CROSS AN ESKIMO AND A GAY GUY?
A: A snowblower.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BOUNCER IN A GAY BAR?
A: Flame thrower.

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY RABBIT? He found a hare up his ass.

Q: HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU’RE A HOMOSEXUAL?
A: When you make Justin Bieber look straight.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY BOXER?
A: Fruit Punch!

Q: WHATS A HOMOS FAVORITE PLANET?
A: Uranus.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL AN ANNOYING GAY MAN?
A: A pain in the arse.

Q: WHAT DID ONE GAY SPERM SAY TO ANOTHER?
A: How do we find an egg in all of this shit?

Q: WHAT COMES AFTER 69 FOR GAY MEN?
A: Mouthwash.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY GUY WHO GOT KICKED OFF THE GOLF COURSE?
A: He was playing with too many strokes.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A HOMOSEXUAL DENTIST?
A: Tooth fairy.

Q: HOW DO YOU FIT THREE HOMOSEXUALS ON ONE BARSTOOL?
A: Turn it upside-down.

I have a HTTP joke but it is not secure. 😀

Did you hear they outlawed round bales of hay?
The cows weren’t getting a square meal.

Q: WHY ARE MOST POLITICIANS IN THE CLOSET OR GAY?
A: Because they can only mandate.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY COWBOY?
A: A Jolly Rancher.

Q: WHY CAN’T GAYS DRIVE FASTER THAN 68MPH?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod.

Q: HOW DO 5 GAY MEN WALK?
A: One Direction.

Q: How does Albus get into Hogwarts?
A: Through the Dumble-door.

Q: What is the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus?
A: Santa stops after three hos.

Yo momma so stupid she thought Bruno Mars was a planet.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

Q: Do you know who was the first black guy to admit he is the father?
A: Darth Vader.

Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

Q: What do you call someone who has been hit by a car?
A: An ambulance.

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, a real southern gentleman beckoned the waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"
"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"
"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

100,000 Pascals go into a Bar.