Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I have a hen who can count her own eggs . . . She’s a mathemachicken!

I think I need professional help.
A maid, butler, cook and chauffeur should do it.

A man gets his new prescription for Viagra, and starts home to get ready for when his wife gets home.
He calls her on the phone, and she says, "I'll be home in an hour."
"Perfect," he thinks.
The Doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before, so he takes the Viagra and waits.
Well, an hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife... She calls him on the cell phone and says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour."
The man, frustrated, calls his Doctor for advice.
"I've got a hard-on a cat couldn't scratch off and my wife won't be home for another hour! What should I do?" he asks.
The Doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"
"Yes" the man replied.
"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the Doctor.
The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper..."

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A doctor."
"And why's that?"
"Because it's the only profession where you can tell women to take off their clothes and then stick their husbands with the bill."

Since it started raining all my wife has done is look sadly through the window, if it gets any worse I might have to let her in.

Deciding to turn off my wife's life support machine was the second hardest thing I've ever done.
The hardest was trying to distract the doctor!

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

The girl asked me, "When you're on a boys only trip, do you think about me?" Apparently "Only to stop myself from coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shop keepers heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there..?" The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers . . . "I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc.

A bloke is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV and
suddenly yells "Don't enter that church, you daft cunt , its a trap!!''

His wife asks him ''What are you watching ?''
Husband replies
"Our wedding video"

Just saw a Rolex in the trash. What a waste of valuble time!

The Indians on a remote reservation in Oklahoma asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'
'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'
'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'
'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'
'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

How do you make holy water??
You boil the hell out of it😎

A Doctor while examining an old retired Army vet, "when was the last time you had sex?"
with a long pause the vet replies."1955 i believe"
Doctor: "Whoa! Its been a long while then ?"
Vet: Its only 20:15 right now?

Mary and Ted got married and had 13 children. Then Ted died of heart disease.
She married again and she & Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Again Mary remarried and this time she & John had 5 more children.
Mary finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, "Margaret, do you think he means her 1st, 2nd, or 3rd husband?"
Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel."

How does Michael J Fox like to sit in his garden?
With his back to the fuschia.

Doctor, doctor, will my measles be better by next Monday?
I don’t wanna make any rash promises!

Racecar backwards is Racecar. Racecar upside down is expensive!

I went to the doctor today about my anxiety. He told me it was all in my head !

Been bird watching with Sinead O'Connor.
So far, it's been 7 owls, and 15 jays.

Tall people tend to sleep longer in bed !

What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale!

I think I may remove my spine. I feel it's holding me back.

Man A: Can you Help me with this crossword
Man B: Sure
Man A: 4 Across Postman's satchel
Man B: How many letters?
Man A: Thousands I'd imagine.

Филолог говорит своему сыну:
— Ты меня очень огорчил. Я слышал, как ты спорил со своим другом и сказал ему: "Ты ебанулся". Как ты мог? Ты ни за что обидел человека, показав ему пренебрежение!
— А что я должен был ему сказать?
— Тебе надо было сказать: "Да ну, нахуй!" Он бы понял, что ты вовлечен, но ты оппонируешь!...

It's only in sex where late cumers are appreciate.

I started out with nothing, and still have most of it.

Q: What is a duck's favourite tv show?
A: A duck-u-mentary.

Too often a banquet is a plate of cold chicken and peas surrounded by warm appeals for funds.

Q: What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind?
A: A maybe!

Went swimming today. Took a pee in the deep end.
Lifeguard noticed. Blew his whistle so loud I almost fell in.

My daughter asked me, "Can you name a sport that starts with a 'T'?"
I said "Yes, golf."

Is it just me, or are there any other anagrams of em ?

Three old women were sitting on a park bench. A flasher ran up and whipped open his coat. Two of the old ladies had a stroke and the third couldn't reach.

Cleaning windows is a pane.

Lil' Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horses' legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Pop, why are you doing that?"
"Because I'm thinking of buying these horses."
Johnny looked worried, "Then I think we'd better hurry home right away!"
"Why?" his father asked.
"Because the milkman stopped by yesterday, and I think he wants to buy Mom!

I drink and smoke but cocaine is where I draw the line.

A woman constantly keeps sneezing and goes to see the doctor. She tells him, "Doctor, I constantly keep sneezing, and every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The doctor asks, "What are you doing for it?" The woman replies, "Sniffing pepper."

Behind every bad product was a room full of people who thought it was a good idea.

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.

Why does David Hasslehoff prefer to be called just the Hoff? It’s just less ‘hassle’ that way!

My goat ate my DVD of One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest,
Which is surprising because he hated the book .

QUESTION- What's worse than waking up at a party and finding a penis drawn on your face?
ANSWER- Finding out it was traced.

Did you hear about the foreign language student who went to Poland to polish his Polish ?

It's weird we can laugh at our own jokes. It's like one part of our brain is amused by what another part comes up with.

My wife said just for once pay me a compliment. I said l love your blonde hair and the way you dye your roots black.

I returned the boomerang order back to Amazon just to check if the product met my expectations.

A traveling salesman asked a farmer to spend the night. The farmer agreed, but told him he would have to sleep in the barn. The farmer, being a nice guy and knowing how horny traveling salesmen get told the man, "Look son, see that wall? It's got three holes in it. You can screw the first two but don't mess around with that third hole. Got it?" The salesman thanked him and bedded down on a pile of hay. About midnight he got real horny and decided to take a poke at the first hole. It was good but not really satisfying so he took a poke at the second hole. It was even better but he still wasn't satisfied so he thought about the third hole and reasoned to himself, "If that first hole was pretty good and the second hole was even better, I'll bet that third hole will really do the trick!" The next morning the farmer noticed the salesman was still sleeping so he went about his chores and late in the afternoon he finally saw the salesman wake up. "Damn, son! You been sleeping a long time! What happened?" "Well," the salesman replied. "I should have listened to you. I got horny last night and tried that first hole and it was pretty fair but not really satisfying so I tried the second hole. It was good but didn't do the job so I took on that third hole. Say, what's behind them holes anyway?" "Son, that first hole is my sheep, Dolly. The second hole is my mare, Sally, and that third hole is my milking machine and that thing don't quit till it gets a quart!"

The person who discovered fire took a lot of heat for it, but the inventor of the wheel was a genuine roll model....

Fastest way to stop an argument between a bunch of deaf people? - Just switch off the lights.

The trouble with bucket seats in automobiles is that not everyone has the same size bucket.

Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.

Just passed a man walking down the street saying
"1,3,5,7,9,1,3,5,7,9"
And i thought to myself "that's odd!!"

I walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a booby trap.

A baby sitter is a teenager who behaves like an adult, while the adults are out behaving like teenagers.

The police have just released my mother-in-law after questioning her about the murder of her husband. They only spoke to her for 2 minutes before coming to the conclusion he committed suicide....

Baldheaded people should remember that when God made heads He covered up the ones He didn't like.

As I was sitting alone at the bar, a woman came and sat opposite me and spread her legs wide revealing crotchless panties under her mini skirt
"Want some of that?", she winked
"Fuck no!", I replied. "Look what it's done to your knickers!"

I still remember my grandfather's last words before he kicked the bucket .
He said "Hey! How far do you think I can kick this bucket?!"

I've just paid for my wife and her mother to go to Paris for 2 weeks.
That's how much I hate the fucking French.

Broke up with my fitness instructor girlfriend today; it didn't work out.

- Three biggest achievements of computer science?
- Turing machine, StackOverflow and syntax highlighting.

One day little Johnny walked out of his bedroom with his suitcase packed. His dad asked him where he was going and Johnny replied, "Last night I heard you say that you were pulling out and mommy said she was coming too. I didn't want to be left behind!"

Q: Why are Saturdays and Sundays the only strong days?
A: Cos the rest are weekdays.

Fact: Dr. Awkward spelled backwards is still "Dr. Awkward."

A Shovel Is A Real Ground Breaking Invention.

I found out my girlfriend was giving out free blow jobs.
I always knew she was a damned socialist.

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'
Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'
Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.
My wife won twice last week.'

Q:Why does coffee taste like mud?
A:Because it was just ground.

You can never "not see" a giraffe coz its always spotted.

— А почему вы расстались?
— Она сказала, что у нее иссяк запал.
— Что запало?
— Иссяк.
— А что это?
— Да я тоже не понял.

I saw two policemen chasing a person who had just stolen a board game of little value.
It was a really trivial pursuit.

Q: Why do pirates have a hard time remembering the alphabet?
A: Because they always get lost at C!

Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a wank in the kitchen, she rushes over,and gives him the best blow job of his life.Afterwards he says, "We haven't had sex for 6months,and suddenly this...Why?..She says. "I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the fuckin' mop out again!!"

I came home from work last night and told my wife that I've been given a huge promotion at work which means I get my own office and I get to employ my own private secretary."Well, you'd better hire someone who's a bit old , and ugly," she said, "I don't want you choosing someone who you're going to be tempted to have sex with.""That's fair enough," I replied, "When can you start?"

A guy goes up to a woman in a bar and says, "I'm gonna make your nipples hard"...
She says, "Oh, yeah...? My husband will kick your ass"...
He says, "And then I'm gonna turn you upside-down, pour beer in your pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...
She says, "That's it, I'm gonna tell my husband, and he's gonna kick your ass but real good"...
She goes home to her husband and says, "A guy at the bar told me he was gonna make my nipples hard"...
He gets really pissed off, and starts to walk out the door...
She grabs him by the arm, and says, "He also said he was gonna turn me upsid down, pour beer into my pussy, and then guzzle it all down"...
Her husband turns around and walks back into the house...
She yells, "Where are you going"...?
He says, "I ain't fucking with anybody who can drink that much beer"...?

Q: Why do Cakes Invites Ice cream on they're parties??
A: Because he was COOL.

Two old ladies meet in Heaven...
SYLVIA: Hi! Wanda.
WANDA: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
SYLVIA: I froze to death.
WANDA: How horrible!
SYLVIA: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?
WANDA: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
SYLVIA: So, what happened?
WANDA: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking.I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!
SYLVIA: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer -- we'd both still be alive.

There was an equine animal in my yard at 1 am last night. I wasn't sure whether to call it a dark horse or a night mare.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes...
She hugged me.