Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You're getting old when the girl you smile at thinks you're one of her father's old friends.

Payday candy bar is changing its name because it's offensive to people that don't wanna work...

Peet's Coffee is now offering Japanese rice wine. Let’s go soon...for Peet’s ‘sake’.

After fighting some crime, Superman wanted to score some action. He flew over to Wonder Woman's apartment to see if she was available. As he landed on her balcony, he saw Wonder Woman naked on the bed with her legs wide open. Superman thought to himself, "I'm faster than a speeding bullet; I could be in there, have sex, and be out again before she knew what happened." So Superman did his super thing in a split second and flew off happily. Meanwhile back on the bed, Wonder Woman asked, "Did you hear something?" "No!" said the Invisible Man, "But my ass sure hurts like hell!"

A man is really old when he watches the food instead of the waitress.

A guy bought his girlfriend a new perfume called "Chloroform".
She didn't like it.. !
She says, it makes her sleepy and also her 'ASS' feels sore and painful the next day.

You're getting old when almost everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
'Are you the manager?' she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
'Actually, no,' he replied.
'Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,' she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
'I'm afraid I can't,' breathed the bartender.. 'Is there anything I can do?'
Yes. I need you to give him a message,' she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
'What should I tell him?' the bartender managed to say.
Tell him,' she whispered, 'There's no toilet paper, hand soap , or paper towels in the ladies room.

I had this one night stand & I felt so guilty that I went out the next morning & bought another for the other side of my bed.

So a guy went to a zoo on his day off. There were no animals there besides one dog. It was a Shit Tzu.

I won't sleep until i find a treatment for insomnia.

A good way to get your name in the newspaper is to cross the street reading one.

Can't sleep because of what my doctor said...
He diagnosed me with insomnia.

When James Bond is out of the country, is he known as +44 07?

I saw a drawing of the president's face on a wheel, looking quite depressed.
It was political sad tire.

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

During a visit to a mental asylum, a visitor asked the director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bath, then offer a spoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bath."
"I understand," he replied. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon and the teacup."
"No," replied the director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

To save his business, my butcher is trying an experimental process where he gives his cows magic mushrooms before slaughtering them.
Let's just say...the steaks are high.

Where did Noah keep the bees? In the ark hives.

A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends."

I made my younger brother swallow a torch.
You should of seen his little face light up.

Q:How do you impress a female baker?
A:Bring her flours!

Mom: Hey, what does IDK and IDC mean?
Daughter: I don't know and I don't care.
Mom: Well okay, guess I'll just ask someone else..

If I ever win a $1,000,000, I’d probably donate a quarter of it to charity...
That would still leave me with $999,999.75...

Years ago I retired. I got tired of retirement so I went back to work. Then I reretired. Now I'm retired of retirement.

Of all kitchen utensils, why did Judas choose to be tray?

How does a cowboy start his day?
He reboots.

Would you like to hear a joke about dried grapes?
It's not that good- don't go raisin your expectations.

How do you invite a dinosaur to lunch?
Tea, Rex?

How is a tick and the Eiffel Tower similar?
They’re both Paris sites.

I have a fear of speed bumps.
I'm slowly getting over it.

I heard the government is putting chips into people? I hope I get BBQ.

The battery in my car got stolen. Don't know who took it, but I've got a couple of leads.

Old age is when the gleam in your eyes is just the sun shining on your bifocals.

I have an excellent memory except for three things. Names, faces and something else.

Lazy is such an ugly word I prefer selective participation 😎

One day a sadistic Drill Sargent was putting his platoon through several of the worst and most humiliating tasks he could think of, including cleaning his personal washroom; after one final use of the toilet which had been clogged for two days.
And at the end of the day, after he ran each of them into the ground he called attention and walked the line.
Stepping forward the Drill Sargent pushed his face right up to the youngest looking Private and groused, " I'll bet you're wishing that I would die so you could come and urinate on my grave!"
With a straight face the Private replied," Sir, No Sir!" When I get out of the Army," I'm never gonna stand in another line again!"

Man : “doctor, can you fix my arsehole, it’s the size of a dinner plate”
Doctor : “ how did it get like that ?”.
Man : “ I got raped by an elephant whilst on a safari”.
Doctor “ but elephants Penises are long with a small girth”.
Man : “ yes I know, the bastard fingered me first”.

My wife told me that she’d always wanted to ride a horse.

Judging by the size of her cunt, I thought she already had.

I saw a pigeon having a game
Of chess with a bird with a big beak. I thought “toucan play at that game.

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

A Dung Beetle walks into a bar, and asks, "Is this stool taken?"

I hate sausages. They’re the wurst.

What do you call a deer with no eye?
~no idea~
What do you call a deer with no eye and no legs?
~still no idea~

Jesus would have been one hell of a hockey player, but he was never the same after getting nailed into the boards.

Puns are like refund. Some people just don't get it!

Q:- Women's breasts. Why do they have nipples?
A:- Because otherwise they would be pointless.

The astronaut was fooling around in space and failed to understand the gravity of the situation!

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said: “I’m off duty in 10 minutes - meet me in the car park.”

After all these years, my wife still thinks I’m sexy.

Every time I walk by she says: “What an ass!”

My horse has insomnia and keeps everyone awake.
She’s a nightmare.

A sperm donor, a carpenter and Julius Caesar walked into a bar.
He came, he saw, he conquered.

Two friends chat and one boasts about his new car.

“So I’ve got a new Tesla Model X; it drives itself.”

“Nice...where is it?”

“No idea!”

Q:What is an electricians favorite type of news?
A:Current events.

My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.
Eventually she came round.

What's an astronaut's favorite part of a computer?
The space bar.

Q:What is the best time of the day, hands-down?
A:6.30.

What did the sand say as the tide came in?
Hey, long time no sea.

I asked my dad, “Can we get some pets?”

He said: “No, pets are just a step backwards.”

What has three letters and starts with gas?
A car.

Imagine if vampires had blunt teeth and couldn't bite you?

They would just suck.

My wife is incredibly smart.

When I called her from my buddy’s phone she answered “hey love.”

She already knew it was me!

The genie asked, "What’s your first wish?" Steve answered, "I wish I was rich!" The genie continued, "What’s your second wish?"

“I want a nice long life,” said Rich.

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.

It’s not like I did anything.

Yesterday, the doctor told me I was colorblind.

The diagnosis came out of the purple.

What did 2 say to 3 when they saw 6 act like an idiot?
Don’t mind him. He’s just a product of our times.

Whenever I’m in Dire Straits, I take the ‘Walk of Life’, looking for ‘Money for Nothing’.

A woman was at the hairdressers getting her hair styled for a forthcoming trip to Rome. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser who said.."Rome!! What the hell do you wanna go there for? It's noisy, dirty and smelly. You're crazy to go to Rome! How are you getting there?"
"We're flying with Continental Airways" replied the woman.
"Continental!!" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. The planes are old, they're always late and the flight attendants are ugly! So where are you staying in Rome?"
"Lovely place beside the river Tiber called the Royal Hotel" said the woman.
"The Royal!" exclaimed the hairdresser...."I know it...everyone thinks it's going to be smart and exclusive but it's a dump...he worst hotel in the city! So what do you plan on doing in Rome"
"We're going to the Vatican and hopefully, we'll see the Pope."
"Some hope" replied the hairdresser "you and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant up on that balcony. Well good luck on this lousy trip of yours...you're going to need it!"
A month later the woman was back at the hairdresser for another hairdo. The hairdresser asked "So how did the trip go?"
"It was wonderful" said the woman. "Not only were we on one of Continental's newest plane but it was overbooked and they put us in 'first class' at no extra cost. The hotel was great...they'd just finished a $5 million refit and it's claimed to be the best hotel in the whole of Italy. Fortunately for us, they too were overbooked so they put us up in the owners private penthouse suite... at no extra cost."
"Well that's all well and good....but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope"
"Actually, we did!" said the woman. "We were the 1 millionth visitor this year and so we were given the opportunity to meet the Pope in person. We went into the Vatican and sure enough...there was the Pope waiting for us. I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."
"REALLY!!" said the hairdresser "What did he say?"
The woman replied........
He said 'Where the fek did you get that lousy hairdo?

Man: "Hey baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not enter."

I got a pair of gloves yesterday, but they’re both ‘lefts’, which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it’s just not right.

— Жора, почему у вас всё лицо в шрамах?
— Это от насморка.
— Не может быть!
— Может! Я чихнул около окна…

— Самуил Маркович, вы сильный, вы справитесь!

— Яков, я — умный, я даже не возьмусь…

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.

One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,

she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!

Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got

a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the

window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly

discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,

so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in

as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had

been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always

run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your

clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get

dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you

always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope.. just when it's raining.'

Learning how to manage stress is very important. I can't stress that enough!

My mate bet me I couldn't think of a joke about a Flower...
But I Rose to the challenge.

How did the owner of an Apple computer store feel after he was robbed?
He was iRate!

A NAKED BISEXUAL POLAR BEAR WITH BIPOLAR DISORDER IS A BARE BIPOLAR BI POLAR BEAR.

We tried child proofing the house.
But the kids keep getting back in.

Just met a guy in a pub who was claiming to be Harry Potter’s Godfather. I said, ‘are you being Sirius?’ 😉

Q:Why dose a squirrel swim on its back ?
A:To keep his nuts dry.