Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I gave that movie 3.14 stars!
Cause I pi-rated it. 🎦

Today I was asked to go out by 20 girls.
Sadly, I was in the women’s bathroom. 🚺

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the pee is silent!

(her during sex): call me names
(me, panicking): you like that, names? 😎

Was thinking about watching the movie "THE INVISIBLE MAN "
Then I realized there's probably not much to see.

A carpenter wanted to make a pun joke but he wasn’t sure if it woodwork.

What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef. 🐮

Last time I got caught stealing a calendar I got 12 months. 📆

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
A Yamahahaha. 🚲

I lived in a Houseboat and dated the girl next door!
It didn't work out- sadly
we drifted apart...

How do you save a sheep from choking?

You give it SheepPR

My application to join The Police has been rejected...
To be fair, I don't even know all the words to Every Breath You Take. 🎸

Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't. It shits on the floor. 🚾

Went to a psychics convention earlier today. It wasnt fun, all the psychics were either mad or depressed. There was no happy medium.

When your foot falls asleep it actually goes coma toes.

Did you hear about the biology department that eliminated their fungal research?

They didn't have much room for it. 🍄

A guy just threw milk at me... How dairy?!

Difference between a lentil and a chick pea is.....I've never had a lentil in my face 🤪

Be sure no one ever pours salt on you

Because they would be assaulting you!! 🧂

What’s the difference between a Hippo and Zippo

Ones a little lighter 🔥

- Do programmers stay in hell for eternity?
- No. Only until they write good documentation for they code. 💻

In the word laughter, letter ''l'' initiates and the others comes aughter it. 🤣

I asked 100 people what shampoo they preferred to use whilst taking a shower? They all replied, "How did you get in here?”
🚿

If you believe in telekinesis,
raise my hand. ✋

- Is it still India?
- Yes, it's still in, dear! 😎

My son climbed up onto my shoulders last night and started reciting numbers "1... 2... 3..." I said "Hey! What are you doing? Get off of there..."

My son replied "Dad - don't let me down. I'm counting on you."🔢

I liked a Cashier, so I tried to leave a hint, but she didn't respond.

I guess it didn't Register. 🙌

A basketball player and a dwarf have robbed the local bank.

Police are looking high and low 🤪

I was kidnapped by mimes....
They did unspeakable acts to me...😱

If a woman sits on a table during her period, does it call periodic table? 👩‍🦰

“What did one warrior say to the other warrior after he chopped his feet off? You have been defeeted!” 🦶

I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks.
For keeping me off the streets.

What did Batman say to robin before they got into the batmobile?
Hey Robin, get in the batmobile. 🚗

Sometimes, words just aren't enough and that's why we have middle fingers.

I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something. 🖕

So sad to hear that the local auctioneer has passed on.
He was somewhere around 30, 35? 35, 40. 🔨

I'm writing a book about basements.

I think it's destined to be a best cellar. 💯

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Use spring water. ⛲

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

Seven has "even" in it

Yeah, so?

That's odd. 7️⃣

What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.14 feet long?

A πthon

Facebook is like ancient Egypt. People are worshipping cats and writing on walls. 🐈

Are people born with photographic memories, or do they take time to develop ? 🎞

My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day.
I stopped seeing her for a while. 😫

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?.... He was looking for Pooh 🐯

Don't argue with left handed people, they aren't right.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed 😎

I hate when people use capital letters inappropriately.
It's not that I'm pedantic,

it's just that I'm extremely case-sensitive.

We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where...
Minneapolis?

A good romance starts with a good friendship.

A bad romance starts with a "ra ra ah ah ah ra ra ro mah mah ga ga ooh lah lah" 👱‍♀️

What do you do with a dead chemist? ... you Barium.

Stop with all the senior citizen jokes, they’re getting really old. 👴

We need to outlaw pre-shredded cheese...make America grate again! 🧀

Q, what does 2 say to 3 when they see 6 behaving like an idiot
A, "don't mind him he is just the product of our times"

British people really out here spelling tire with a y. 🙉

A carpenter wanted to make a pun joke, but he wasn't sure if it WOODWORK 🪓

How come the little fish was blushing? ... Because the fish saw the ocean's bottom.....

We use "hi guys" because it is inappropriate to say "himen" in public...

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax.

For Hispanic attacks.😎

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"

It takes screen shots. 🥃

Would a locksmith be considered a Key worker? 🤔

People who can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can’t put into words.

I hate spelling errors.
Mix up a couple letters and your whole post is urined.

— Ты думаешь ты можешь вот так вот просто вырывать цитаты из контекста?
— Да. (Евангелие от Матфея, 6 глава, 27 стих, 1 слово) 😎

Dad! I know it’s a complex subject but can you explain a solar eclipse to me?
No son.

Two peanuts walk down a dark alley. One of them was a salted. 🥔

I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.

Doctor: You do have a virus, but we can treat it.
Patient: What’s the Cure?
Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused... 🎼

Yes, English can be weird.
But it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. 😕

A calendar seller is never alone, he has so many dates at any given point.📅

Covid 19 is a threat to every single person in the world! Thank God am married! 👫

Science is nothing but a group of atoms trying to understand itself 🔬

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?

It was about a weak back. :-D

Algebra was easy for the Romans.
X was always 10. 🤞

Very Important Person without Six is just Person.

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT BUT TWO WRIGHTS CAN MAKE A PLANE. ✈

Why do motorcycles fall over?
They're two tired. 🚲

Philosophy books are a Nietzsche market. 👨‍🦳

Q: What computer sings the best?
A: A Dell. 🖥️