Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I was sexually active at 12.

It’s now 12:19 and my arm is killing me.

What do Asian cannibals eat?

Raw-men

I was going to introduce myself with a dick joke but apparently it’s too long.

I'm not a doctor but I'm losing my patience.

Work from home?

I don't even work
from work.

Once, I told a chemistry joke

There was no reaction

What do you call a fish with no eye?
-
FSH

Why didn't the skeleton go to the night club?
-
Cause he had no body to dance with.

my horse goes out only after dark, it's a night mare

You know a gay teen asked me for directions and I misdirected him because I couldn't say go straight.

What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer? A father in law.

What do you call a guy with a rubber toe?
Roberto.

I’m okay with smoking, weed .
But cocaine is where I draw the line.

Российские вирусологи пытались создать вакцину,
но у них снова получилась настойка
боярышника.

People suck at blowjobs

I've tried to stop swearing

But I cunt.

I started a band called 999 Megabytes.
We still haven’t got a gig.

The word peanut perfectly encapsulates the two basic functions of the penis.

If y'all need an ark, I Noah guy...

I've heard that whiskey is like hand sanitizer for your insides.

Might not work, but it's worth a shot.

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that understand binaries and those that don't.

If you are arguing with your sex partner , you're actually wasting your fucking time.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers

The Times are rough.

How to turn hoe into houseife ?
Covid19: hold my beer !!!

Our President said Nigerian youths are lazy

A friend of mine said corona virus was develop by one country

As one chick said: If this virus gets any more toxic I might try to date it

Every macine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.

DID YOU KNOW?- Midgets make up a small part of the population?

Finland has just closed their border
No one can cross the Finnish line.

- Что вы посоветуете к этому вину?
- К этому вину идеально подойдет жареный беляш с автовокзала.

Can anyone tell me who played Forrest Gump? T.hanks.

To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you.
You have my Word!

I broke my finger last week.
On the other hand,Im okay!

On the Estonian border, another anekdot goes, a border guard is filling out Putin’s entry form. “Occupation?” the officer asks. “Not today,” Putin replies. “Just tourism.”

I’m great at multitasking.
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.

What’s the difference between being horny and being hungry?
It’s where you put the cucumber.

Q: Who would win in a fight between Celine Dion and Shania Twain?
A: We all would!

Q: What do you call a sophisticated American?
A: Canadian.

Chuck Norristears can cure coronavirus !!!
Sucks for us Chuck Norris never cries (

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 13. His name was Constant Teen.

I Googled, "Lost medieval servant boy”
and got 404, “page not found."

I once lived just a stones throw away from a family who all died of mysterious head injuries.

Corona virus is like pasta.
The chinese invented it, but italians will spread it all over the world.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!!!

BREAKING: John Travolta hospitalized for suspected COVID-19, but doctors now confirm that it was only Saturday Night Fever, and they assure everyone that he was Staying Alive.

- whats Atheism?

= A non Prophet-Organization.

Masturbation is a touchy subject but oral sex is just a matter of taste.

Everyone at John Lennon International airport has been quarantined.

Imagine....all the people

No matter how kind you are, german children are kinder.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode ?

Because, light attracts bugs!

Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I've always been passionate about being able to afford food.

Minister: "Repeat after me."
Groom: "After me."
Minister (to bride): "Is he serious?"
Bride: "No. He is David."

- Waterloo please.
- The station?
- Well Im a bit fucking late for the battle.

Yennefer: he died of natural causes
Jaskier: you pushed him off a roof
Yennefer: gravity is natural

I just bought my coworker a "get better soon" card.

They're not sick. I just think they could do better.

When you become a grow up, people stop asking you what your favorite dinosaur is.
They don't even care.

Did you know ?
If you press on the gas and the brake pedals at the same time your car will take a screenshot !

I’ve been saying MUCHO more often while talking to my Hispanic friends.
It means a lot to them.

Coronavirus will not last long because it made in China.

"Pooh, what makes the world go 'round?" asked Piglet.
"Fat bottomed girls," replied Pooh.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says ”Sorry we don’t serve food in here”

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, “Is this some kind of joke?”

”My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘Have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

Two aerials meet on a roof – fall in love – get married. The ceremony was rubbish – but the reception was brilliant.

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ”Shut up…you’re next!”

”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”

The only cow in a small Iowa town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for $200. They bought the cow from Wisconsin and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were pleased and very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull came close to the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull approaches our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An approach from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wisconsin?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wisconsin?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wisconsin."

On reaching his plane seat, a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. The man asks the stewardess for a cup of coffee and the parrot squawks, "And why don't you get me a whisky, wench." The stewardess, flustered by the parrot's outburst, brings back a whisky for the parrot but inadvertently forgets the man's cup of coffee. As the man nicely points out the omission of his coffee to the stewardess, the parrot downs his drink and shouts, "And get me another whisky, you ugly bitch." Visibly shaken, the stewardess comes back with the parrot's whisky but still no coffee for the man.
Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides that he is going to try the parrots approach, "I've asked you twice for a cup of coffee wench, I expect you to get it for me right now so I don't have to see that disgustingly hideous face of yours any more!"
Next thing they know, both the man and the parrot are wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards to the ground, the parrot turns to the man and says, "For someone who can't fly, you sure are a lippy bastard."

A duck walks into a feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk tells him, "No, we don't have a market for it so we don't carry it."
The duck says, "Okay," and leaves.
The next day, the duck again walks in to the feed store and asks, "Got any duck feed?" Again the clerk says no and the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck once again walks in, and asks, "Got any duck feed?"
The clerk says, "I've told you twice, we don't have duck feed, we've never had duck feed and we never will have duck feed. If you ask me again, I'll nail your feet to the floor." The duck leaves.
The next day, the duck walks in and asks, "Got any nails?"
"No."
"Got any duck feed?"

A vampire bat came flapping in for the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the ceiling of the cave to get some sleep. Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and started hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Okay, follow me" he said and flapped out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees. Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him. "Now, do you see that giant oak over there?" he asked.
"YES, YES, YES" all the other bats SCREAMED in a frenzy.
"Good" said the first bat, "because I fuckin didn't!"

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show:
"Look, it's not the same hat."
"Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table."
"Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"
The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot.
One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself floating on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course.
They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. "Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did." His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many sales did you make today?" The kid says, "One." The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?" Kid says, "$101,237.64." Boss says, "$101,237.64? What the hell did you sell?"
Kid says, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?"
Kid says, "No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend's shot, you might as well go fishing"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket, where she selected a quart of milk, a carton of eggs, juice, and a package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyer belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her, watched as she placed her items in front of the cashier.
He said, "You must be single." The woman, a bit startled, looked at her four items on the belt, and seeing nothing particularly unusual about her selections said, "Well, y'know, that's right. But how in earth did you know that?
The drunk said, "Cause you're uglier 'n shit."

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend awake. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes questioned.
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you retard. It tells me that some bastard has stolen our tent!"

Una vecina le dice a otra:
"Carmen, ¿estás enferma? Te lo pregunto porque he visto salir a un médico de tu casa esta mañana."
"Mira, vieja chismosa, ayer por la manana yo vi salir a un militar de la tuya y no estamos en guerra, ¿verdad?"

La mamá de Luis había tenido gemelos, por lo cual su papá le dice:
—Dile a la maestra que no vas a ir esta semana a la escuela.
—Sí papá, contestó Luis.
Cuando regresó Luis de la escuela, el papá le preguntó:
—¿Qué te dijo la maestra?
—Que muchas felicidades por el bebé.
Y el papá le dice asombrado:
—¡Qué, no le dijiste que eran dos!
—No, guardé el otro para la otra semana.