Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Female without male is just an Iron. 😎

The most negative word of 2020 is

"Positive" ➕

По реке плывет топор
Из села Чугуева,
Hу и пусть себе плывет
Железяка х@ева…
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself-
Fucking piece of iron!!!

Я лежала с Коленькой
Cовершенно голенькой,
Потому что для красы
Я сняла с себя трусы.
I was sleeping with my honey
Absоlutely naked,
I have taken my panties off
Just to make a statement.

Рыбка плавает в томате,
Ей в томате хорошо,
Только я, едрена матерь,
Места в жизни не нашел.
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose
Only me, pathetic wimp
Have no fucking place to swim.

С неба звездочка упала
Прямо милому в штаны,
Пусть горит там, что попало,
Лишь бы не было войны.
Starlet’s fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend»s briefs,
I don»t mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace.

По деревне мы идём
Всем подарки раздаём
Кому сына, кому дочь
Чтобы Родине помочь
Two of us — me and my buddy
Giving gifts to everybody
You get daughter, you get son
Patriotic duty’s done.

Someone asked me to briefly explain what an acorn is. I said, "In a nutshell, an oak tree" 🥔

Nothing sucks like watching another man grab your girlfriend's ass and you can't do shit coz the motherfucker is her husband.😎

Working in a mirror factory is totally something I can see myself doing.🔎

Is buttcheeks 1 word or should I spread them apart? 🤔

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

My brother used to be in a band called The Hinges...They supported The Doors in the 60s. 🚪

Breaking news Energizer Bunny arrested -
Charged with battery. 🔋

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's time consuming. ⏰

My ability to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me 🔑

Why did the tomato blush when it opened the refrigerator?

It saw the salad dressing! 🍅🥬

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don’t open it.

It’s spam. 🤳

What do you call a hippy's wife?

Mississippi. 👩

There was a kidnapping at school today

But he woke up 😴

I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger... then it hit me.🥏

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.
She replied: "They're right behind you!!".😮

Is a baby born on a plane a newborn or an airborne?
⁇🙄

I had a dream I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg...🗿

Countries that immunize children are vaccinations.🧪

What is 1000 ×3000 ÷ 3?
The winner gets 1 million 🤓

A ghost walks into a bar
" whiskey please" he said
Barman replies " sorry we dont serve spirits" 😎

A guy at the ATM asked if I could help him check his balance, so I pushed him over. 🤸‍♂️

Who called it wet dreams instead of nutmares?😷🍆

Guy: Hi cutie
Lady: Hello
Guy: My name is Solomon
Lady: So?
Guy: Lomon 🧙‍♂️

If someone cums on the floor is it safe to call it GROUNDNUT?? 🤓

If you've unknowingly shared the same meme more than once, you may be suffering from meme-ory loss. 😱

I broke your PlayStation accidently 🥺 Sorry !
I didn't Nintendo do that

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

The correct term is 'replace', actually. 💡

I love listening to mewsicals!
Fur real, they are pawesome..🐱

I'm a taxidermist.
When people ask,
“What do you do for a living?"
I say, "Oh, you know... stuff." 🦍

I cracked a joke about chemistry and there was no reaction.
🙂

SIX without S is 9. 🕕

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
It's a coincidence because they didn't planet. 🎸

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but quit because it was just one ting after another. 🎼

Pun of the day..

The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
🐟

There was a robbery at the fabric store...

Police are looking for material witnesses. 🤔

Bullets do their job after they've been fired.🤔

Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?
They don't believe in higher powers. ☠

I was going to post a joke about being unemployed but it needs work. 👩‍🔧

My blind girlfriend told me I have a big penis, but she was just pulling my leg. 🦶🏻

me: I'm addicted to collecting magazines
therapist: it sounds like you have a lot of issues 📙

I made a joke about chemistry but there was no reaction !! 🧪

I've been sitting on my couch ever since the lockdown began...
Sofa so good. 🛏

Someone just came up to me, holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist...

But I think it was the drink taking. 🍺

- What do you mean by Java is an island?

- It is above the C level...💻

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller 🤦‍♂️

Collecting deflated footballs...

There's a habit you can't easily kick! 🏐

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it 🔨

grandma took my weed so i took her wheelchair.
now neither of us rolling 👵🏻

Menstruation jokes ain't funny, period. 🧧

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 🐦

Rain: I'm penetrating!!

Soil: Oh fuck. I'm wet. 💦

[FOREST]

ME: OMG! There's a Wolf

WIFE: Where ?

ME: No the regular kind. 🐺

Coconuts are mammals because they have fur and produce milk. Change my mind. 🥥

Having twelve breast sounds funny,
Dozen tits?

It takes guts to be an organ donor. ⚱

Because China essentially 9/11’d the entire world several times over with this virus, we will now refer to this as Chinaleven ©️

Ladies, if you’re bored, do your makeup. Then you’ll be pretty bored. 💄

Pollution so low that I can see the data stored in the clouds. 💾

What is the best thing about sex in the bible?
A second cumming. 💑

What time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve. 👩‍🦰

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months! 📅

#punoftheday #haha

Some people crave pickles, but I don't make a big dill over it. 🥦

I washed my face in the kitchen sink...

And now I look quite dishy. 🍽️

Guess what proton said to the Electron

Well, nothing much ... He just asked him why he's always negative and pessimistic.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A Gummy Bear! 🐻

Small girls are hot because they are closer to the Earth's core.

Change my mind.

Went to a Blur concert...

Couldn't see much 😎

Today my son asked “Can I have a book mark?”

5 years and he still doesn’t know my names Michael. 🕺

A cat walks between a womans legs...Looks up and thinks...
I don't see the resemblance....... 🐈

Show me a person who is happy sober and I'll show you a lying asshole. 😆

Just imagine, if Covid 19 was transmitted sexually nobody would be giving a fuck! 🤦‍♂️

August without 'gust' is pure gold! !!

When I was a kid, my parents could only afford a secondhand calculator which was missing the 'X' button.

Times were hard.

I told Oxygen , Bromine,Hydrogen and Sodium to fight . They were like “NaH BrO”. 🤔

Российское государство обязательно придет на выручку.
Как только у населения появится выручка! 💱

Lots of puns here. Must be a pundemic.

Camouflage condoms: They'll never see you cumming.