Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

A fine is a tax for doing wrong... and a tax is a fine for doing well.

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

Friend: I just bought some reusable condoms
Me: Come again?
Friend : “Exactly”

When my urologist said I had a healthy prostate I was deeply touched. 👩‍🍳

My friend told me he'd glued himself to his autobiography
I didn't believe him but that's his story and he's sticking to it. 😁

Id like to thank my feet for being with me every step of the way. 🦶🦶

My wife says she is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
Regret it she will. 😎

Work vs Jail
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

why is 6 afraid of 7,
Cause 7 8 9
7️⃣

Российские ученые выяснили, что коронавирус может передаваться от печенега к печенегу. Причем половецким путём.

, , , , , chameleon 😎

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside. 🚗

When you start to EXCEL, People start to SpreadSheet.📊

It was today that I learned AM radio also works at night.
📺

Female without male is just an Iron. 😎

The most negative word of 2020 is

"Positive" ➕

По реке плывет топор
Из села Чугуева,
Hу и пусть себе плывет
Железяка х@ева…
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself-
Fucking piece of iron!!!

Я лежала с Коленькой
Cовершенно голенькой,
Потому что для красы
Я сняла с себя трусы.
I was sleeping with my honey
Absоlutely naked,
I have taken my panties off
Just to make a statement.

Рыбка плавает в томате,
Ей в томате хорошо,
Только я, едрена матерь,
Места в жизни не нашел.
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose
Only me, pathetic wimp
Have no fucking place to swim.

С неба звездочка упала
Прямо милому в штаны,
Пусть горит там, что попало,
Лишь бы не было войны.
Starlet’s fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend»s briefs,
I don»t mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace.

По деревне мы идём
Всем подарки раздаём
Кому сына, кому дочь
Чтобы Родине помочь
Two of us — me and my buddy
Giving gifts to everybody
You get daughter, you get son
Patriotic duty’s done.

Someone asked me to briefly explain what an acorn is. I said, "In a nutshell, an oak tree" 🥔

Nothing sucks like watching another man grab your girlfriend's ass and you can't do shit coz the motherfucker is her husband.😎

Working in a mirror factory is totally something I can see myself doing.🔎

Is buttcheeks 1 word or should I spread them apart? 🤔

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

My brother used to be in a band called The Hinges...They supported The Doors in the 60s. 🚪

Breaking news Energizer Bunny arrested -
Charged with battery. 🔋

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's time consuming. ⏰

My ability to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me 🔑

Why did the tomato blush when it opened the refrigerator?

It saw the salad dressing! 🍅🥬

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don’t open it.

It’s spam. 🤳

What do you call a hippy's wife?

Mississippi. 👩

There was a kidnapping at school today

But he woke up 😴

I was wondering why the Frisbee was getting bigger... then it hit me.🥏

I asked the librarian if the library had any books about paranoia.
She replied: "They're right behind you!!".😮

Is a baby born on a plane a newborn or an airborne?
⁇🙄

I had a dream I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.
I was like, 0mg...🗿

Countries that immunize children are vaccinations.🧪

What is 1000 ×3000 ÷ 3?
The winner gets 1 million 🤓

A ghost walks into a bar
" whiskey please" he said
Barman replies " sorry we dont serve spirits" 😎

A guy at the ATM asked if I could help him check his balance, so I pushed him over. 🤸‍♂️

Who called it wet dreams instead of nutmares?😷🍆

Guy: Hi cutie
Lady: Hello
Guy: My name is Solomon
Lady: So?
Guy: Lomon 🧙‍♂️

If someone cums on the floor is it safe to call it GROUNDNUT?? 🤓

If you've unknowingly shared the same meme more than once, you may be suffering from meme-ory loss. 😱

I broke your PlayStation accidently 🥺 Sorry !
I didn't Nintendo do that

How many pedants does it take to change a lightbulb?

The correct term is 'replace', actually. 💡

I love listening to mewsicals!
Fur real, they are pawesome..🐱

I'm a taxidermist.
When people ask,
“What do you do for a living?"
I say, "Oh, you know... stuff." 🦍

I cracked a joke about chemistry and there was no reaction.
🙂

SIX without S is 9. 🕕

Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
It's a coincidence because they didn't planet. 🎸

I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but quit because it was just one ting after another. 🎼

Pun of the day..

The best way to communicate with fish is to drop them a line.
🐟

There was a robbery at the fabric store...

Police are looking for material witnesses. 🤔

Bullets do their job after they've been fired.🤔

Why can't atheists solve exponential equations?
They don't believe in higher powers. ☠

I was going to post a joke about being unemployed but it needs work. 👩‍🔧

My blind girlfriend told me I have a big penis, but she was just pulling my leg. 🦶🏻

me: I'm addicted to collecting magazines
therapist: it sounds like you have a lot of issues 📙

I made a joke about chemistry but there was no reaction !! 🧪

I've been sitting on my couch ever since the lockdown began...
Sofa so good. 🛏

Someone just came up to me, holding a beer and claiming to be a ventriloquist...

But I think it was the drink taking. 🍺

- What do you mean by Java is an island?

- It is above the C level...💻

What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller 🤦‍♂️

Collecting deflated footballs...

There's a habit you can't easily kick! 🏐

My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together

I totally nailed it 🔨

grandma took my weed so i took her wheelchair.
now neither of us rolling 👵🏻

Menstruation jokes ain't funny, period. 🧧

So this girl blocked me on Facebook because I post too many things about birds. Well, toucan play that game. 🐦

Rain: I'm penetrating!!

Soil: Oh fuck. I'm wet. 💦

[FOREST]

ME: OMG! There's a Wolf

WIFE: Where ?

ME: No the regular kind. 🐺

Coconuts are mammals because they have fur and produce milk. Change my mind. 🥥

Having twelve breast sounds funny,
Dozen tits?

It takes guts to be an organ donor. ⚱

Because China essentially 9/11’d the entire world several times over with this virus, we will now refer to this as Chinaleven ©️

Ladies, if you’re bored, do your makeup. Then you’ll be pretty bored. 💄

Pollution so low that I can see the data stored in the clouds. 💾

What is the best thing about sex in the bible?
A second cumming. 💑

What time of day did God create Adam?
Just before Eve. 👩‍🦰

Did you hear about the two guys who stole a calendar? They each got 6 months! 📅

#punoftheday #haha

Some people crave pickles, but I don't make a big dill over it. 🥦

I washed my face in the kitchen sink...

And now I look quite dishy. 🍽️