Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“What did one warrior say to the other warrior after he chopped his feet off? You have been defeeted!” 🦶

I just want to give a shout out to sidewalks.
For keeping me off the streets.

What did Batman say to robin before they got into the batmobile?
Hey Robin, get in the batmobile. 🚗

Sometimes, words just aren't enough and that's why we have middle fingers.

I don’t trust stairs.

They’re always up to something. 🖕

So sad to hear that the local auctioneer has passed on.
He was somewhere around 30, 35? 35, 40. 🔨

I'm writing a book about basements.

I think it's destined to be a best cellar. 💯

How do you make a waterbed more bouncy?

Use spring water. ⛲

I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof.

Seven has "even" in it

Yeah, so?

That's odd. 7️⃣

What do you call a snake that is approximately 3.14 feet long?

A πthon

Facebook is like ancient Egypt. People are worshipping cats and writing on walls. 🐈

Are people born with photographic memories, or do they take time to develop ? 🎞

My girlfriend poked me in the eye the other day.
I stopped seeing her for a while. 😫

Why was Tigger looking in the toilet?.... He was looking for Pooh 🐯

Don't argue with left handed people, they aren't right.

Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I can do it with my eyes closed 😎

I hate when people use capital letters inappropriately.
It's not that I'm pedantic,

it's just that I'm extremely case-sensitive.

We all know where the Big Apple is, but does anyone know where...
Minneapolis?

A good romance starts with a good friendship.

A bad romance starts with a "ra ra ah ah ah ra ra ro mah mah ga ga ooh lah lah" 👱‍♀️

What do you do with a dead chemist? ... you Barium.

Stop with all the senior citizen jokes, they’re getting really old. 👴

We need to outlaw pre-shredded cheese...make America grate again! 🧀

Q, what does 2 say to 3 when they see 6 behaving like an idiot
A, "don't mind him he is just the product of our times"

British people really out here spelling tire with a y. 🙉

A carpenter wanted to make a pun joke, but he wasn't sure if it WOODWORK 🪓

How come the little fish was blushing? ... Because the fish saw the ocean's bottom.....

We use "hi guys" because it is inappropriate to say "himen" in public...

Why did the Mexican take a Xanax.

For Hispanic attacks.😎

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with but I was tripping all day.

My IT guy just asked, "How does a computer get drunk?"

It takes screen shots. 🥃

Would a locksmith be considered a Key worker? 🤔

People who can’t distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I can’t put into words.

I hate spelling errors.
Mix up a couple letters and your whole post is urined.

— Ты думаешь ты можешь вот так вот просто вырывать цитаты из контекста?
— Да. (Евангелие от Матфея, 6 глава, 27 стих, 1 слово) 😎

Dad! I know it’s a complex subject but can you explain a solar eclipse to me?
No son.

Two peanuts walk down a dark alley. One of them was a salted. 🥔

I saw a piece of chewing gum in the urinal today and thought, boy that must have been really painful.

Doctor: You do have a virus, but we can treat it.
Patient: What’s the Cure?
Doctor: It’s an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let’s try to stay focused... 🎼

Yes, English can be weird.
But it can be understood through tough thorough thought, though. 😕

A calendar seller is never alone, he has so many dates at any given point.📅

Covid 19 is a threat to every single person in the world! Thank God am married! 👫

Science is nothing but a group of atoms trying to understand itself 🔬

Does anybody remember the joke I posted about my spine?

It was about a weak back. :-D

Algebra was easy for the Romans.
X was always 10. 🤞

Very Important Person without Six is just Person.

TWO WRONGS DON'T MAKE A RIGHT BUT TWO WRIGHTS CAN MAKE A PLANE. ✈

Why do motorcycles fall over?
They're two tired. 🚲

Philosophy books are a Nietzsche market. 👨‍🦳

Q: What computer sings the best?
A: A Dell. 🖥️

A fine is a tax for doing wrong... and a tax is a fine for doing well.

A guy goes into a lawyer’s office and asks the lawyer: “Excuse me, how much do you charge?”
The lawyer responds: “I charge $1,000 to answer three questions.”
“Bloody hell – That’s a bit expensive isn’t it?”
“Yes. What’s your third question?”

Friend: I just bought some reusable condoms
Me: Come again?
Friend : “Exactly”

When my urologist said I had a healthy prostate I was deeply touched. 👩‍🍳

My friend told me he'd glued himself to his autobiography
I didn't believe him but that's his story and he's sticking to it. 😁

Id like to thank my feet for being with me every step of the way. 🦶🦶

My wife says she is leaving me because of my obsession with Star Wars.
Regret it she will. 😎

Work vs Jail
In prison they spend the majority of their time in a 8’ x 10’cell.
At work, I spend most of my time in a 6’ x 6’ cube.
In prison they get three meals a day.
At work I only get a break for one meal and I have to pay for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work I get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
At work I must wear an ID badge at all times.
In prison they provide you with clothing with the ID conveniently sewn onto the clothes.
At work there is a dress standard but I must buy my own clothes.
In prison there is a dress standard, but they supply the clothes.
At work I must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors myself.
In prison a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for me.
In prison they can watch TV and play games.
At work I can get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they will pay my way through school to learn a new career and give me time to do it.
At work they will pay for my education but I must do it on my own time.
In prison they have exercise rooms that they allow you to use almost whenever you want.
At work we have an exercise room that you can use but it must be on your time.
In prison I can fall asleep on the job and no serious consequences comes from my actions.
At work if I fall asleep on the job I get put on the next RIF list.
In prison they ball and chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you are just ball and chained.
In prison you have full medical coverage with no deductibles.
At work, you get partial coverage and pay all the deductibles.
In prison all expenses are paid by the tax payer, with no work on their part.
At work, you get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then deduct the taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

why is 6 afraid of 7,
Cause 7 8 9
7️⃣

Российские ученые выяснили, что коронавирус может передаваться от печенега к печенегу. Причем половецким путём.

, , , , , chameleon 😎

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

On a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside. 🚗

When you start to EXCEL, People start to SpreadSheet.📊

It was today that I learned AM radio also works at night.
📺

Female without male is just an Iron. 😎

The most negative word of 2020 is

"Positive" ➕

По реке плывет топор
Из села Чугуева,
Hу и пусть себе плывет
Железяка х@ева…
Down the river drifts an axe
From the town of Byron.
Let it float by itself-
Fucking piece of iron!!!

Я лежала с Коленькой
Cовершенно голенькой,
Потому что для красы
Я сняла с себя трусы.
I was sleeping with my honey
Absоlutely naked,
I have taken my panties off
Just to make a statement.

Рыбка плавает в томате,
Ей в томате хорошо,
Только я, едрена матерь,
Места в жизни не нашел.
Fish in thick tomato sauce
Swims in happy comatose
Only me, pathetic wimp
Have no fucking place to swim.

С неба звездочка упала
Прямо милому в штаны,
Пусть горит там, что попало,
Лишь бы не было войны.
Starlet’s fallen from the heavens
Right into my boyfriend»s briefs,
I don»t mind his roasted penis
If it helps us live in peace.

По деревне мы идём
Всем подарки раздаём
Кому сына, кому дочь
Чтобы Родине помочь
Two of us — me and my buddy
Giving gifts to everybody
You get daughter, you get son
Patriotic duty’s done.

Someone asked me to briefly explain what an acorn is. I said, "In a nutshell, an oak tree" 🥔

Nothing sucks like watching another man grab your girlfriend's ass and you can't do shit coz the motherfucker is her husband.😎

Working in a mirror factory is totally something I can see myself doing.🔎

Is buttcheeks 1 word or should I spread them apart? 🤔

What's blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

My brother used to be in a band called The Hinges...They supported The Doors in the 60s. 🚪

Breaking news Energizer Bunny arrested -
Charged with battery. 🔋

Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It's time consuming. ⏰

My ability to pick locks has opened a lot of doors for me 🔑

Why did the tomato blush when it opened the refrigerator?

It saw the salad dressing! 🍅🥬

If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat, don’t open it.

It’s spam. 🤳

What do you call a hippy's wife?

Mississippi. 👩

There was a kidnapping at school today

But he woke up 😴