Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

How long does it take a necrophiliac to screw in a light bulb?
Not long... they like to do it while it's still warm.

My necrophiliac girlfriend told me I was dead to her.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

How can you tell a mortician is a necrophiliac?

He's always HARD at work.

"My girlfriend? You wouldn't know her. She's a bit underground."
...said the hipster necrophiliac.

A couple of necrophiliacs were walking around town. One of them saw a morgue and said:
"Hey, wanna go in for a couple of cold ones?"

What’s the difference between necrofilia and choking fetish?

15 seconds.

What is a necrophiliac’s favorite candy?
A Hearsey’s Kiss.

Digging stuff up is too hard.
Guess Necrophilia isn’t for everybody.

What does a necrophiliac get at a wedding?
Mourning wood.

In the hardware shop:
Me: can I have 20 light bulbs please?
Assistant: 60 watt?
Me: No, 20... And I want "LIGHT BULBS"

Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.

"In Scotland, the word 'fucking' is just a warning that a noun is on its way" - Frankie Boyle.

I entered the world kleptomaniac championship tournament.

I took gold, silver and bronze.

I was becoming more and more frustrated while looking for assistance in the phone book. The first three florists I called knew nothing about flooring.

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.

I'm getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

At my funeral,
Take the bouquet out of my coffin and throw it into the coward.
See who's next!

Nothing beats a cup of coffee and a biscuit... well apart from eight lagers and a shag.

- Жорик, а вы чего не заходите?
- Берта Аркадьевна, но ведь вы сами отказали.
- Отказала. Но ведь не наотрез...

I don't know why some boys cheats on their girlfriend, I have 4 girlfriends and I have never cheated on them.

Man: What is a million years like to you?
God: Like one second.
Man: What is a million pounds(£££) like to you?
God: Like one penny.
Man: Can I have a penny?
God: Just a second.

Every time I see a set of twins, I always ask them: Which one of you is the unplanned one?

Never trust a man that calls you SEXY because he will remove the Y and have sex with you then run away with S and call you Ex.

I tried bobsleighing for the first time last year. I killed 5 Bobs.

For several years on Saturday I took my family to the Farmers’ Market.
- But I haven’t sold one of them yet!

Me go to Gamblers Anonymous? No dice.

Why can't Jesus judge gay people?

Because he got nailed right before he died.

Incest is relatively boring, necrophilia is dead boring...

I donate blood 5 times a year just so I'm less and less related to some of my relatives.

Men don't become more mature as they age.
They become better at hiding how immature they really are.

During sexual intercourse Jimmy suddenly stops and becomes motionless..

Girl: What the heck are you doing??

Jimmy: I have seen this on adult porn sites, it's called "buffering"

Yes, I'm a professor. I teach intercourse 101 and my gf is the only student.
She's getting a D.

My dick is like a tsunami.
No one will try riding it.

— Алло, это Вы объявили вознаграждение за пропавшую собачку?
— Да! А шо, Вы её нашли?!
— Ещё, таки, нет… Но хотелось бы получить аванс!

A bartender turned chemist experimented with barium!

Have you heard about the new film about a pig with no eyes.
it’s rated PG.

Interesting Fact:
‘Methamphetamine’
was shortened to ‘meth’ so it was easier to say with no front teeth.

People who fix watches have a lot of time on their hands .

My wife and I separated due to our disagreements over astrology. It Taurus apart.

Due to COVID19, all TCP applications are being converted to UDP to avoid handshakes.

Wife: I can't believe it, first I am diagnosed with dyslexia.

Then I find out I have tiny tits.

Husband: Tinnitus babe Tinnitus..

Scientists have found bones on the moon. Apparently the cow didn't make it!!!

The bicycle spoke in a flat tired voice…

Premature ejaculator:
Seeks young attractive woman for a fling,

Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse,

and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

My music teacher refused to help me write the melody for my final class project. He saw I was upset and said that I needed to compose myself.

“A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.”
— Charlie Chaplin

Friend of mine puts blood, sweat and tears into everything he does. Great guy, awful chef.

It's not a hot water heater, it's just a water heater, unless you're heating hot water.

The Number One reason why men prefer guns
over women - - - - -You can buy a silencer for a gun.

My new girlfriend said it would be at least six months before she'd consider giving me oral sex......

I told her that I fully understand and respect her decision and that I will call her again nearer the time....😂

The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer.
I said "looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said "I love you," then got on her knees and

gave me the best blow job I've ever had.

Which surprised me as she's never been interested in darts before.

The definition of an alcoholic is anyone who drinks more than you do.

Be careful who you trust, even salt looks like sugar.

*Sexting over walkie talkies*

“Hell yeah baby bend over.”

“Bend what? Over.”

I do all my own stunts, but never intentionally.

My friend Humphrey never has to pay at the brothel...

Спонсор сегодняшнего показа «Мамин страпон».
«Мамин страпон, весь в папу!».

My neighbor just got hired as a firefighter. His first job was to paint the truck, but he used the wrong color. He really blue it.

I hated it when my mom dressed my brother and me in the same clothes when we were kids.
We could hardly walk.

Guys, you know you're getting old when....
.... your dick doesn't get stiff, but everything else does.

Both my wife and I went to the orthopedist because we had pain in our knees.
He said it was a joint problem.

It's been so hot today, I just saw two trees fighting over a dog!

У утонувшей коровы
молоко топлёное.

Однажды один чел простудился в ломбарде. Теперь у него нос заложен.

I went to a Jewish massage parlor and asked my masseuse for a happy ending.

So she gave me a 10% discount off my visit.

My brother is a carpenter. He tried to fasten two pieces of wood together. He screwed up first and then he nailed it.

Short people argue alot because they can't see the point.

So I got asked today:
“Who would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?”
I said: “Obviously a lift engineer.”

You'd think that atoms bonding with other atoms would mean they're being friendly, but really they steal each other's electrons.

How ionic.

“I am a slow walker, but I never walk back.”
— Abraham Lincoln

- Малдер, во мне Чужой!
- Спокойно, Салли, это мой.

"Software and cathedrals are much the same – first we build them, then we pray."
- Sam Redwine

I used to date an opera singer, but I had to get rid of her...
She was all "Mi, mi, mi..."

A cabbage and celery walk into a bar and the cabbage gets served first because he was a head.

Why do women prefer older Gynecologists?
Their hands shake.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom.

I've been asked if I would run the London Marathon next year..
I said, I'm flattered to be asked, but I don't think I could organise such a big event!

'Periods of 60 minutes' are not yours – they're hours.

The word PAPA means pope in Italian, shark in Swahili, potato in Quechua and arse in Maori.
I wonder if papa John ever shoved a hot papa up the papa of a basking papa?

Some people change relationships like the rest of us change underwear.
At least once a day, sometimes more if shit got messy.

My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear.
I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.