Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"From now on, depressions will be scientifically created."
~ Congressman Charles A. Lindbergh Sr., 1913 (year that Federal Reserve Act was passed)

According to Mystery Schools, words and names hold certain amounts of energy. Key words give power to shape reality simply by speaking them.

When the mob governs, man is ruled by ignorance; when the church governs, he is ruled by superstition; when the state governs, he is ruled by fear.

The Federal Reserve is not federal, nor does it have a reserve to back up the dollar.

The Hall of Records is said to be an ancient library buried somewhere in Egypt, and many believe it could be located under the enigmatic Sphinx of Giza.

The Russians tried to invade Alaska but they couldn’t get their Berings Strait.

"We investigated ourselves and found that we did nothing wrong"
~ The Government

Альцгеймер — это возможность чувствовать себя счастливым вне зависимости от обстоятельств.

My body is just a filter... coffee comes in -
sarcasm goes out.

- А Саша выйдет?
- Нет, у него пожизненное.

Уверенности нет ни в чём,
поскольку Всё что нас окружает,
может быть плодом наших фантазий...
Даже санитары!

"I don't think I've ever tried to be anything other than a weirdo."
-- Martin Gore

I went to see my music teacher in his office today. He wasn't there, but I did find a note.

"Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead."
~ Benjamin Franklin

"Gold is the money of kings; silver is the money of gentlemen; barter is the money of peasants; debt is the money of slaves."
~ Norm Franz

How do you seduce a female programmer?
1: Be proficient in Python;
2: Have a big python.

Gender reveals are pointless now days.
“OMG ITS A BOY"
12 years later James is now Jessica with a penis.

What do you call a knight made entirely out of fine China?

Sir-amic.

- ИВАНОВ!
- Я
- КРУУГОМ!
- R

My wife and I will each pay our own way while vacationing in The Netherlands. That’s right, we’re going Dutch…

ADULTING is learning spitting in yo partners mouth is APART OF SEX .

Десантнику Боре парашют складывала бабушка.
Поэтому при раскрытии первыми вылетели шерстяные носки и шарф.

Voting is the adult version of writing a letter to Santa Claus.

Knowledge makes a man unfit to be a slave.
- A.Bratus.

A foolish man complains of his torn pocket while a wise man uses it to scratch his balls.

What do you call sexual intercourse between a priest and a nun?
Holy fuck.

Во время секса она закрывала глаза и представляла себя худой, а его богатым.

If money is the source of all sins,
Then I’m a motherfucking saint.

The first rule of Wank Club is:

Never shake hands , with another member of Wank Club.

Masturbation is easy...
Choosing a video is tough :-)

Went to a faith healer group last night.
He was so bad, even the guy in the wheelchair walked out.

Когда Любовь ушла, Аркаша жил Верой, а тешил себя Надеждой..

Агроном Люба уволилась с работы.
Ушла любовь — завяли помидоры.

I hate when girls try to kiss me during sèx.
i got a girlfriend. Chill.

Взрослая жизнь - это когда вы рекомендуете друг другу своих врачей.

Он был таким осторожным, что дрочил в презервативе.

Old cashiers never die, they just check out.

I got fired for not embracing diversity enough.
Showing my pornhub search history didn't help.

Lots of people want chicken fingers.
But a very few wants to finger chickens.

У меня есть только один недостаток — завышенная самооценка, в остальном я бесподобен.

If you feel like life is slipping through your fingers
Just stop masturbating.

Aliens are probably monitoring our media.
98% of the internet is porn. Maybe they're not giving us anal probes. They're just trying to speak our language.

Врач: - На что жалуетесь?
Пациент: - Мне бабы не дают... (рыдает)
Врач медсестре: - Дайте ему воды.
Медсестра: - Не дам!

На приеме у врача: - Я сделал все, что мог.
- Доктор, но вы просто подули на ранку!
- Все, что мог...

Doctor "I don't know how to tell you this."
Wife "just tell me."
Doctor "your husband is an asshole."
Wife *bursts into tears* "I knew it"

My dick is only 6 inches, but some girls like it that wide!

My dick is only 6 inches, from the ground!

I wish my girlfriend wasn't so obsessed about her breast size. Even a trip to the car dealership became embarrassing.
She told the guy she wanted something that'll get her from A to B.

I masturbate fully naked , you don’t like it ?

Then go to a different McDonald’s.

-¿Por qué necesitas dos rollos de papel higiénico?
-Por si acaca.

Just got a message from a random guy asking me to meet him in the woods to compare dick sizes. Fuckin' weirdo...
He didn't even show up!

Мы так боимся быть навязчивыми, что кажемся равнодушными.

What do you call a Mexican girl with no ass?
A flatina.

Neighbour: "Your wife has an amazing accent, where does she come from?"

Husband: "Usually the pub"..

I have a piece of furniture that disappears for a few days, then returns again.

It's periodic table.

There is no extra time at a Botox appointment. They keep a pretty tight schedule.

When a stallion is lying down; he is in the horse-ontal position.

Two interesting facts about me:

1: My Penis is the exact length of two IKEA pencils.

2: I've got a lifetime ban from IKEA!

In America Casino Royale is called Casino Quarter Pounder.

My daughter walked into our bedroom last night to catch us having sex.
"What are you doing?" she asked in shock.
"Making you someone to play with," I said.
"A brother?" she asked excitingly.
"No, a cousin," I replied. "Now go and watch out for your mother coming home."

Never date a married woman,

I will explain when I get discharged from the hospital.

"What's with all these feline creatures flying over my house?"
"Oh, I was testing out my catapult."

The cross-eyed circumciser was so bad, he got the sack.

Went to a wife swapping party last night.
Result.
Got a set of headlamps for a Ford Capri and three Shakin’ Stevens LPs.

I wrote a book about alcohol. The first draft has been sent to my pub-lusher.

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don't stand in her way.

I'd love to go to Oslo, but there's Norway I can a-fjord it.

Vacuum cleaner stopped sucked, it must have gotten married.

Masturbation is a satans typewriter, I go write an essay.

You’ve heard of a 69, but have you heard of a 71?
It’s like a 69 , but with two watching.

I'm 32 but my wife turns 69
If I ask her politely.

Today, me and my wife had a .69
It would have been a hundred times better without the period.

Approximately 70 percent of the earth is covered by water. Only 1 percent of this water is drinkable.
Therefore 69 is dirty.

I had a 69 with my son's teacher,
wait, he's homeschooled. Nevermind.

So I was in math class when the teacher asked me what comes after 69 .
Apparently, "I do." is not the correct answer.

I asked my German wife to give me a 69 .
She replied, “Sex, Nein!”

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “ 69 Mating positions ”.
Turns out it was about chess.

What is 6.9??
69 ruined by a period.

How do a violinist and a cellist perform a 69 ?
The cellist fingers the G with some vibrato, and the violinist is doing a bouncing spiccato on the D.

How does 69 differ from a family reunion?
During 69, you only see 1 asshole!