Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The best sign of a happy relationship is no sign of it on social media.

89% of the world population don't know how to calculate 89% of the world population... funny statistics.

The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed.

Вовочка заходит и говорит:
- Мама, почему все говорят, что я невнимательный?
- Мальчик, я не твоя мама! И ты живёшь не в этой квартире!

A boob, vagina and asshole are debating who is the greatest.
Boob: I produce milk for babies and I am attractive to the opposite sex.

Vagina: That's nothing, I give birth to babies and can accommodate the opposite sex.
Why are you still scrolling down? It's your turn to speak.

Government is the entertainment division of the military-industrial complex.

Pre-means before.
Post- means after.
To use both prefixes together would be preposterous.

Marry a man without teeth so they won’t smile to another lady

What word begins with the letter "F" and ends in "UCK"?

Firetruck.

Don't date JavaScript developers. They'll take your number and never CALLBACK.

Buying her a toolbox for her birthday so she can fix her attitude .

I was out on a first date and the lady asked me if I was more of a cat person or a dog person.

I said "I'm a vegetarian."

Склероз маразму не помеха.

The first step to freedom is knowing you're being lied to. Wake up.

Arguing with a woman is like buying a lottery ticket, you're probably not gonna win, but you're sure as hell gonna try!

Today is the first day of the rest of your life, but so was yesterday, and look how that turned out.

Me: this show is boring.

Boss: Again, this is a zoom conference.

My biggest fear is that reincarnation is real and I come back as my self..

“Your tits are the best, better than all the chests”

Or whatever Tina Turner said.

My girlfriend said that I should use the term 'make love' instead of 'fuck.'

What the make love is she talking about?

Что значит не хотите в армию?
А кто подарки на 23-е получал?

Sex WITHOUT A CONDOM IS SO MAGICAL . A BABY Appears & The Father Disappears.

Мать провожает еврея на фронт - а куда тебе писать, сынок?
- А пиши мне мама, сразу в плен!

boobs are proof that i can focus on two things at once.

We are born into a hollow society that is designed to keep us media-obsessed consumers who buy things we don't need.

I don't mean to brag
But I'm so old I can hurt myself
Sleeping.

Every sad girls deserves Hapenis.

Как сказал Рабинович, мобилизация, как и беременность, не бывает частичной.

A people that elect corrupt politicians, imposters, thieves and traitors are not victims... but accomplices.

У нас был план, но мы его скурили.

What do you call an ocean of Cats.

A Puss-Sea.

I hate when my wife accuses me of something I didn't think she knew about.

Saturn and Neptune are the butt cheeks of the solar system

Uranus is between them.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce, a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I've been told.
Twice now.

Когда жрёшь дерьмо, уже неважно, в какой руке вилка, а в какой нож.

Предоплату придумали слабаки.

"You make mistakes, mistakes don't make you."

― Maxwell

My girlfriend is a stoner who works at a hotel fixing whatever breaks.

She's kind of high maintenance.

The bigger the fupa, the tastier the chalupa.

Physics teachers act like they’ve met Newton for real.

She told me she wanted 8 inches so I had to give it to her twice.

IM NOT RACIST , MY TYRES ARE BLACK.

A Swiss automobile company is recalling its vehicles because they keep getting stuck in neutral.

Свидание - это буквально собеседование на секс, где все скрывают предыдущий опыт работы, а некоторые даже не увольнялись.

Whats the difference between a porn flick and a Hollywood movie?

They only show the gag reel at the end of the Hollywood movie.

The opposite of BDSM is BDHM

Baby, don't hurt me

- Ты замёрз? Тебе холодно?
- Нет, это он весь.

В чеченском цирке клоун запоминает всех, кто над ним смеется.

If you can't do anything about it then let it go. Don't be a prisoner to things you can't change.
- Tony Gaskins

What do women and engines have in common?
They both Suck, Squeeze, Bang, and Blow.

Today i saw a bunch of priests gang-banging

Holy Fuck!

What's the difference between a yoghurt and Australia?
If you leave a yogurt eventually it develops culture.

Newton said "The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction"

Yet here I am. Still single.

People get married cos all good things have to come to an end.

Who called it a toilet seat and not an asstray?

Never judge a man until you’ve driven a mile with his wife.

У работы есть три плюса: зарплата, отпуск и пятница!

Shop local. Eat local. Spend local. Enjoy local. Support the local businesses who support the area where you live, work, and play.
- A.Br.

Lies kill, truth hurts.
- A.Bratus

My friend told me if I put the end of my penis in ice water my balls would stop itching.

Cool tip.

"What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a spy."
"Well why are you dressed as a shepherd?"
"I'm a shepherd spy."

В старые времена люди болели гораздо реже. Часто всего один раз в жизни.

Фондовый рынок - это не казино! В казино мне хотя бы наливают виски, когда проигрываешь.

Bad decisions and good stories or good decisions and no stories?

Прежде чем объявлять голодовку, убедитесь, что вас вообще собираются кормить.

The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me.
Ayn Rand.

“Freedom (n.): To ask nothing. To expect nothing. To depend on nothing.”
-Ayn Rand, The Fountainhead

A bachelor party seems more appropriate after a divorce than before a wedding.

"Control the oil, and you control nations. Control the food, and you control the people." ~ Henry Kissenger

The Royal Mail Post Office is being renamed Charles III Post Office, or C3PO for short...

Никогда не сомневавшийся в правильности своего выбора просто его не делал.

Skeletons can't play church music because
they don't have organs.

People who talk to themselves are smarter.
.
At least, that's what I tell myself.

I was changing the flat tire by myself. Suddenly my car slipped off the jack, landing on my foot. Now I have no choice. I’m gonna need a toe.

Medical science is making such remarkable progress that soon none of us will be well.

I always shave my beard after having sex

... so I can remind my gf for how long we've not been doing it.

The hardest part about waking a person up to the truth is first convincing them that they are asleep.

"I believe that banking institutions are more dangerous to our liberties than standing armies."
~ Thomas Jefferson

Don't steal, don't lie, don't cheat, don't sell drugs. The government hates competition!

We are all born ignorant, but one must work hard to remain stupid.