Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My neighbour said she thinks she knows who's stealing her underwear.
I nearly crapped her pants when she said that.

I killed a female mosquito today. You may imagine how I know it's a female. It was flying close to my pocket.

I'm suspicious of people who don't like dogs. But I trust a dog when it doesn't like a person.

The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.

I wanna get kidnapped to see if I’m smart enough to escape.

Шлемензон встречает на Ришельевской своего приятеля Рабиновича и говорит:
- Я очень расстроился, узнав, что в твоём магазине был пожар.
В ответ Рабинович наклонился к его уху и прошептал:
- Тс-с-с! Это будет завтра!..

Если в слове КВАС все буквы сдвинуть по алфавиту на одну букву, то получится слово ЛГБТ.

My wife said I should stop making stupid puns and take her abortion more seriously.

I won't let this d-fetus.

I once dated a girl with a tattoo of a poppy on her backside.

It was in memory of all those who had died at the front.

Чем больше в армии потерь, тем больше звезд у генералов.

My face in the mirror isn't so wrinkled or drawn. My house isn't dirty, and the dust is all gone. My garden looks lovely, and so does my lawn. I think I might never put my glasses back on.

I heard that Mike Tyson likes play station. I'm surprised, I always thought of him as an xboxer.

What did the IT support guy do yesterday after eating Taco Bell?
He troubleshat.

BREAKING: Elon Musk offers to purchase the FBI for $100 billion.
No word yet if the Clinton's are willing to sell.

I bet the guy standing at the urinal next to me regrets wearing flip-flops today...

I was sitting naked on the bed and the maid walked in
...finally.

What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?
A Fudgina.

How can you tell a Parrot isn't telling the truth? It fails a pollygraph test.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

I found a book, in my refrigerator. It's the coolest book I own.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

Сумма таланта и зависти - это константа.

What do Canadians call a wet pussy?
An eager beaver.

My wife is mad at me. I forgot to open the car door for her.
Instead I panicked, and swam to the surface.

- У вас женщины без закидонов есть?
- Конечно! Только их надувать нужно.

Хороший комплимент должен начинаться с оскорбления. Чтобы можно было на контрасте сыграть.

Censorship is the tool of those who have the need to hide actualities from themselves and from others.

Сидят два одессита. Один говорит:
- Изя, моей Саре ceкс нужен каждый день. А я уже не молод, так больше не могу.
- Абрам, я тебя много лет назад предупреждал: не женись на некрасивой женщине, тебе никто помогать не будет.

You can't call a short man an "ankle biter" at work

I've learned this now.

I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.
Cum to know more.

Tobacco chewers have spit personalities.

I got a really angry and weird look from my gf the other day during sex.
Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

What happens when your make an asían girl squirt? She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?

Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.

My parents are having custody battle right now. My mom’s argument to the judge is that she gave birth to me. My dad said...
I was his little squirt.

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?
If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

What do you call a stripper who also works as a hooker who is known for squirting?
Krystal Geyser.

What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?
Cumpassion.

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.

His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.

“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

What happens if you have sex with a Mcdonalds employee and you make her squirt?
She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce.

I walked into my sister squirting herself with a carrot...
I said "Damn, I was going to eat that but now it tastes like carrot."

If you think female squirt isn't piss.
Then Urine for a big surprise.

I Like Women Who Squirt
Ketchup all over my french fries.

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?
An honorable discharge.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job".

If I'm ever found dead on a jogging trail, Just know I was killed somewhere else and dragged there.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

Officer: “Have you been drinking?”
Jim: “Absolutely not!!”
Officer: “Can you say the alphabet starting with ‘M’ ”?
Jim: “Malphabet.”

So I was walking my dog through the cemetery today.
A fella says to me: "Morning"

I said: "No, just walking the dog".

How did Captain Hook die?
- He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

What's a guy doing when he's donating sperm for money?
A nut job.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows!

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk.
I call it an ejaculatte.

"I'm terribly sorry but I was tied up for hours."
"Apology not accepted. That was knot nice."

I wish my Husband knew the difference between antidote and anecdote. I got bit by a snake and he starts telling me funny stories.

Ham and eggs -
A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I couldn't find the bloody thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.

What does cocaine smell like? I see every junkie fuck smelling it....

A woman went to store and asked for a maternity bra.
"what bust?" asked the saleswoman.

" The fucking condom" she replied.

Vaginas are like gyms....
I'm rarely inside one, but when I am, I sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope nobody notices.

Why are virgins so chill?
Zero fucks given.

Молодая одесситка приходит к врачу:
- Доктор, мой муж болен.
- Так. Раздевайтесь и покажите, где у него болит!

General Lee was generally a good general!

What are the chances of a cow standing in a field getting struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

During an inquiry, a priest was asked if he had had improper sexual relations.
He said that he had nun.

Why do some men call breasts headlights?
Because when they see them they brighten up their day.

- У тебя бывает дежавю?
- Мне кажется, ты это уже спрашивал.

Having a duck orgy at my house...
If anyone wants to come on down.

Did you hear about the piece of fruit that left it's wallet at a George Michael concert in Zurich?
It was a Careless Swiss Pear.

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?
A super spreader event.

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

What would one of the Beatles say during an orgy?
Cum together, right now, over me.

A mathematician's son asks him:" dad, what is an orgy?"
The Mathematician replies:" 230 divided by 3.3."

What can you say both at an orgy and while apologizing?
I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Yeah, it’s an orgy but we still have rules!
Come on people!

What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?
First Come First Serve.

What do you call an orgy involving famous musicians?
A release party.

Have you heard about the orgy at the campground?
It’s fucking in tents.

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?
Thank everyone for coming!