Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you call ladyparts made from sugar, butter and chocolate?
A Fudgina.

How can you tell a Parrot isn't telling the truth? It fails a pollygraph test.

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.
As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

I found a book, in my refrigerator. It's the coolest book I own.

Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.

Сумма таланта и зависти - это константа.

What do Canadians call a wet pussy?
An eager beaver.

My wife is mad at me. I forgot to open the car door for her.
Instead I panicked, and swam to the surface.

- У вас женщины без закидонов есть?
- Конечно! Только их надувать нужно.

Хороший комплимент должен начинаться с оскорбления. Чтобы можно было на контрасте сыграть.

Censorship is the tool of those who have the need to hide actualities from themselves and from others.

Сидят два одессита. Один говорит:
- Изя, моей Саре ceкс нужен каждый день. А я уже не молод, так больше не могу.
- Абрам, я тебя много лет назад предупреждал: не женись на некрасивой женщине, тебе никто помогать не будет.

You can't call a short man an "ankle biter" at work

I've learned this now.

I’m conducting a seminar to discuss my research into the benefits masturbation provides to the brains ability to process and remember new information.
Cum to know more.

Tobacco chewers have spit personalities.

I got a really angry and weird look from my gf the other day during sex.
Turns out it didn't help that she was looking at me through the window.

What happens when your make an asían girl squirt? She charges you 10 cents for extra sauce.

What’s the difference between a prostitute and a Twinkie?

Nothing. They both squirt their white stuff when you eat it.

My parents are having custody battle right now. My mom’s argument to the judge is that she gave birth to me. My dad said...
I was his little squirt.

How can you tell if an orange is male or female?
If it squirts in your eye without warning it's a male. If it's bitter for no fucking reason, it's a female.

What do you call a stripper who also works as a hooker who is known for squirting?
Krystal Geyser.

What is it called when a man feels bad for squirting on a woman?
Cumpassion.

A man squirts water on his girlfriend’s skirt with a squirting gun.

His girlfriend starts laughing hysterically, and the man asks why.

“Well you see, you finally got me wet!”

What happens if you have sex with a Mcdonalds employee and you make her squirt?
She charges you 25 cents for extra sauce.

I walked into my sister squirting herself with a carrot...
I said "Damn, I was going to eat that but now it tastes like carrot."

If you think female squirt isn't piss.
Then Urine for a big surprise.

I Like Women Who Squirt
Ketchup all over my french fries.

What is it called when a girl in the military squirts?
An honorable discharge.

Me: “Squirting isn’t real, right? It’s just urine, right?”
Interviewer: "I meant any questions about the job".

If I'm ever found dead on a jogging trail, Just know I was killed somewhere else and dragged there.

I found out last night that my new girlfriend is a ‘squirter’.
That’s the last time we try knife throwing

Officer: “Have you been drinking?”
Jim: “Absolutely not!!”
Officer: “Can you say the alphabet starting with ‘M’ ”?
Jim: “Malphabet.”

So I was walking my dog through the cemetery today.
A fella says to me: "Morning"

I said: "No, just walking the dog".

How did Captain Hook die?
- He wiped his bum with the wrong hand!

What's a guy doing when he's donating sperm for money?
A nut job.

How do you know if you have a high sperm count?
She has to chew before she swallows!

I just made my girlfriend a coffee using sperm instead of milk.
I call it an ejaculatte.

"I'm terribly sorry but I was tied up for hours."
"Apology not accepted. That was knot nice."

I wish my Husband knew the difference between antidote and anecdote. I got bit by a snake and he starts telling me funny stories.

Ham and eggs -
A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

I couldn't find the bloody thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes, so I asked the kids if they'd seen it.

Apparently she left me yesterday.

What does cocaine smell like? I see every junkie fuck smelling it....

A woman went to store and asked for a maternity bra.
"what bust?" asked the saleswoman.

" The fucking condom" she replied.

Vaginas are like gyms....
I'm rarely inside one, but when I am, I sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope nobody notices.

Why are virgins so chill?
Zero fucks given.

Молодая одесситка приходит к врачу:
- Доктор, мой муж болен.
- Так. Раздевайтесь и покажите, где у него болит!

General Lee was generally a good general!

What are the chances of a cow standing in a field getting struck by lightning?

Medium rare.

During an inquiry, a priest was asked if he had had improper sexual relations.
He said that he had nun.

Why do some men call breasts headlights?
Because when they see them they brighten up their day.

- У тебя бывает дежавю?
- Мне кажется, ты это уже спрашивал.

Having a duck orgy at my house...
If anyone wants to come on down.

Did you hear about the piece of fruit that left it's wallet at a George Michael concert in Zurich?
It was a Careless Swiss Pear.

Why can’t a pirate go to a orgy?
Because he wants all the booty for himself.

What do you call an orgy during a pandemic?
A super spreader event.

If a job interviewer asks about a time you worked as part of a team...
Don't tell them about the orgy.

What would one of the Beatles say during an orgy?
Cum together, right now, over me.

A mathematician's son asks him:" dad, what is an orgy?"
The Mathematician replies:" 230 divided by 3.3."

What can you say both at an orgy and while apologizing?
I think we got off on the wrong foot.

Yeah, it’s an orgy but we still have rules!
Come on people!

What’s the policy for the buffet at the orgy?
First Come First Serve.

What do you call an orgy involving famous musicians?
A release party.

Have you heard about the orgy at the campground?
It’s fucking in tents.

What is considered the polite way to end an orgy?
Thank everyone for coming!

What do you call a redneck orgy?
A family reunion.

What’s the difference between a casual dress party and an orgy with pirates?
One, you come as you are, and the other, you “arrr” as you cum!

Для ценителей прекрасного появились в продаже календари за прошлый год.

Временные трудности сменились трудными временами.

A guy had a toe amputated and replaced it with a breath mint. He now has a ....
Tic tac toe.

There’s no “I” in team but there is a “U” in cunt.

Разговор двух одесситок:
- Мой Фима недавно сел за рояль.
- И шо же он на нём сыграл?
- Ничего. Он его украл.

What did π say to i? Get real.

What did i say to π? Be rational.

They say makeup sex is the best, but I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle.

What do you call an unsolicited vagina pic?
An ambush.

What's the difference between weed and a vagina?
If you can smell the weed from across the room, you know it's good.

Tried to buy a neutron the other day.
Guy behind the counter just gave it to me - no charge.

Глупость - это когда не хватает ума скрывать его отсутствие.

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?
EU.

Some people drink deeply from the well of knowledge... Others just rinse and spit.

How do people in a long-distance relationship get laid?
They have a sex drive.