Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Modern women say they are not housekeepers...
Yet after a divorce, who keeps the house.

Why is a one-night stand with a man like a snowstorm?
You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long it will last.

Life is like a penis.
Often hard for no reason!

We’ve just gotten into tantric sex…
It’s been a long time coming!

How is being in the military like getting a blowjob?
The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel.

What do you do when you come across an elephant in the jungle?

Wipe it off and say you’re sorry.

What did the penis say to the condom?
“Cover me, I’m going in.”

Why did the dick go crazy?
Someone was messing with his head.

Where does a Hornet swim at?
The Beeach.

How did you quit smoking?
I decided to smoke only after sex.

I used to listen to U2 but I am so over the edge.

Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?
Because his wife has passed away.

Sex is like a burrito…
Don’t unwrap or that baby’s in your lap.

A worm crawls out of a pile of spaghetti…
It says, “Damn, that was one hell of an orgy!”

What did the clitoris say to the vulva?
“It’s all good in the hood!”

Did you hear about the man who got turned into a giant penis?
He was a real dick about it.

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?

She outgrew her b-shells!

Лена стремительно толстела, так как враги за ужином не приходили.

When at the supermarket, I always pick the cashier who’s most likely to have sex with me. Always end up at self-checkout.

I nearly lost my job as a roofer when I was caught masturbating on the first day. Luckily my boss suggested we just wipe the slate clean.

My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead.

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Are you a trampoline?

Because I want to bounce on you.

Is your name winter?

Because you’ll be coming soon.

Are you my new boss?
Because you just gave me a raise.

Are you a termite?
Cause you are about to have a mouth full of wood.

My manhood is only six inches, but it smells like a foot.

In a lesbian relationship, which one cooks?

Neither, they eat out.

Lick me until ice cream.

My neighbour just yelled at her kids so loud that even I brushed my teeth and went to bed.

My blind date tonight is 6 ft 6 inches tall.

Can't wait 2metre.

I asked a girl selling calendars out on a date.

Before we got married, my wife promised me that she would be good in bed.
Admittedly, she can sleep very well.

Wrote a book about the Black Death.
Accused of plaguerism.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One says to the other:

I can’t believe I blew fifty bucks in there.

Do you know why a witch never wears panties?

More grip on the broom.

What is the difference between a prostitute and a 7-year-old?

You don’t know? You sick weirdo.

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing. They are both stuck up cunts.

What is the difference between ooooooh and aaaaaaah?

About three inches.

Did you hear about the guy who died because he was erect for too long?

They couldn’t close his casket.

What did Cinderella do when she reached the ball?

She gagged.

What do you get when you mix human DNA and goat DNA?

You get kicked out of the petting zoo.

Why didn’t Barbie ever get pregnant?

Because Ken always came in another box.

I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.

Husband: “Fancy a quickie.”

Wife: “As opposed to what?”

Governments are only legalizing gay marriage so they stop having sex.

The first time I had sex, I kept the receipt.

- What’s the difference between love and herpes?
- Love doesn’t last forever.

Last time a woman saw me naked for the first time, she screamed and ran out of the park.

I saw a dildo for sale described as “nine inches long and realistic.”
I thought: Which is it?

The couple next door recently made a sex tape. They just don’t know it yet.

Last week a girl asked me for sex. I had to disappoint her… so I said yes.

What do a penis and a Rubik's Cube have in common?
The more you play with it, the harder it gets.

What do you call the lesbian version of a cock block?
A beaver dam!

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbor's pussy instead.

Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong sock this morning.

A naked man broke into a church.

The police chased him around and finally caught him by the organ.

If you were born in September, it's pretty safe to assume that your parents started their new year with a bang.

How do you make a pool table laugh? Tickle its balls.

Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The one who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen doughnuts.

I'll admit it, I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives forty miles away.

"Give it to me! Give it to me!" she yelled. "I'm so wet, give it to me now!"
She could scream all she wanted, but I was keeping the umbrella.

What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?
"I want you inside me."

I once knew a girl with a fetish for synnesthesia.
Eventually, she came to her senses.

I'm embarrassed by my donkey fetish.
Sometimes it makes me feel like an ass.

I knew my fetishes were getting out of hand, when I spanked a statue…
I had hit rock bottom.

My friend with a poop fetish asked me for a favour.
‘Do me a solid’, he said.

I have a sexual fetish for intellectual breakthroughs.
I struggled for a while, but then I came to a realization.

I have a fetish for magnets.
I don't know why, I just find them attractive.

The wife said she's leaving because of my sexual fetishes
I said fine! Don't forget to slam the door on my cock on the way out.

What is Princess Leia's favorite sex act fetish ?
Giving Han Jobs.

I had some frogs legs in a restaurant the other evening and they made me extremely drunk.
I'm guessing it must be the Hops.

You know what they call a foot fetish in Paris?
They got the metric system, they wouldn't know what the hell a foot is.

I've developed some really weird fetishes lately.
What have I come to?

What was the jazz singer’s fetish ?
Scat.

Yesterday i found out that i got a foot fetish.
Because i like Mentos.

I never thought I'd have a fetish for collecting data on people.
But then I came to my census.

I have a foot fetish...
I have tried using meters but it just doesn't work for me.

My wife recently left me because of my pasta-touching fetish.
I have been feeling cannelloni.

Не бездельник, а идейный противник работы и адепт энтропии.