Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

The letter C went to see the sea. The letter C saw the sea and said, "It looks so icy. Brr!"

I just renewed my CPR Certificate.
I learned it is rare that a Defibrillator malfunctions!
But when it does no one is Shocked!

Why was Cinderella kicked out of the basketball team?
Because she ran away from the ball.

"Don't explain your philosophy. Embody it."

— Epictetus

I took a course on sexual harassment last week.
it went well, I think Im gonna be good at it...

Would you call someone who raises moths a mother?

I've been having strange dreams of me sitting in a canoe, that's five nights in a row now.

"Don't be overheard complaining... not even to yourself."

— Marcus Aurelius

Got divorced this week. The wife took every thing , except my collection of model lions.
No where to live , no money. All I’ve got left is my pride. ..

“Every man is guilty of all the good he did not do.”
— Voltaire

DIET DAY 1.
I have removed all the bad food from my home.

It was delicious.

Why do women have two sets of lips?

So they can bitch and moan at the same time 💋

The coffee shop worker was fired from his job for wearing a Tea Shirt.

Many Roman soldiers had to deal with Britanny spears.

She said if I turned off the light, I could stick it in her bum.
I guess I should have let the bulb cool first.

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

I sexually identify as a microwave meal.
I am ready in 3 minutes and look nothing like my pictures.

Человек с ружьём всегда найдёт цель в жизни...

I’ll never date another apostrophe.
The last one was too possessive.

The man that invented the Ferris Wheel never met the man that invented the Merry Go Round. They traveled in different circles.

I'm a food joke writer. Yesterday I heard a not so funny joke. I still can't digest it.

Why are vampires very bad product managers? Because they refuse to meet with stake holders.

Why did the fisherman
go to his doctor for more viagra?
Because he was
hard of herring.

A SQL query walks into a bar and sees two tables. He walks up to them and says 'Can I join you?'

Innkeeper: "The room is $15 a night. It's $5 if you make your own bed." Guest: "I'll make my own bed." Innkeeper: "Good. I'll get you some nails and wood."

IF THERE IS A STAIRWAY TO HEAVEN, I HOPE IT'S AN ESCALATOR.

I had a joke about hair that wasnt that good but it was all i could comb up with.

As an executioner, I often asked prisoners if they had a last request.
My last inmate asked me for a high five.

But I just left him hanging.

Earth, Wind and Fire were a great band. Funking amazing!!

So I was talking to my mate earlier when I thought to myself…
"Why the hell are you called earlier?"

My friend and I are having an argument about the best type of sunglasses. The issue is very polarizing.

My Ex wedding will
Be on Sunday
I can't wait to Dance
And kick the cake
By mistake.

Some people say it is hard being a hostage. I could do it with my hands tied behind my back.

I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd wake up early in the morning and exercise.

And, I was right.

My friend says he’s finally going to teach me how to swim, but I’m not holding
my breath.

You're not a model. You're just a girl with an iPhone and 23 editing apps. Calm down.

The majority of train derailments are due to the engineer being distracked.

“A man’s true character comes out when he’s drunk.”
— Charlie Chaplin

I was engaged to a boy with a wooden leg.
I got angry and broke it off.

You know, I could never be a vampire, because I don't like working the night shift.

How does a train drink?
They chugga chugga.
How does a train eat?
They chew chew.
Did you know trains can't fart, but they sometimes toot?
So, how does a train hear?
With their engineer!

I wrote a book about oysters. It’s been nominated for a Pearlitzer.

I gave up on the poker diet because my stomach was beginning to resemble a full house.

What do you give an influencer with bad breath?

A tik tok.

What do you call a blind Facist?

A Not-see.

"Always go too far, because that's where you'll find the truth."
— Albert Camus

A woman’s vagina is like Disneyland…
It may be the happiest place on earth, but the older you get it the less it is worth the time, expense, aggravation, and hassle.

I've read Masturbation may help prevent the common cold.
Really hope so, I've run out of tissues.

I've been reading a book about superglue, I'm stuck on chapter 6.

I read another book on history of car tires. It's got me gripped

Voldemort: Knock Knock.
Harry Potter: Whos There?
Voldemort: You Know.
Harry Potter: You Know Who?
Voldemort: Exactly!

What does a cloud wear under it's raincoat?

Thunderwear.

MY GIRL FRIEND IS SO SHORT WHEN SHE FARTS SHE BLOWS SAND IN HER SHOES.

Some girls will not walk in the rain because it returns their faces to factory settings.

“Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
— Napoleon Bonaparte

- Он плохой врач!
- Почему?
- Я в магазине видел, как он сам покупал в магазине коньяк!

Any recommendations for music I can listen to while I'm fishing?

Something catchy.

My wife often compares me to Ryan Gosling. She'll say "You're nothing like Ryan Gosling."

I was fighting with my wife when she said..."Your family isn't even human! They're more like a venereal disease!" I told her, "You better not say that to my sis, Phyllis!!

The lawyer left his briefs at home. He felt very exposed.

I remember when I used to be broke... I'm still broke, that's why I remember it so well.

Usually when I lean in like I’m interested in what you’re saying, I’m actually just farting.

What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?
Brain freeze.

“Those who are hardest to love need it the most.”
— Socrates

A girl met a guy at the subway.

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist

Saw a fantastic film about a very
large insect.
It was XL ant.

Толстый продавец лифчиков ненавидел фразу:
- Примерно как у вас.

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?" He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fucking ugly."

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

Why should you wear glasses to math class? Because it helps with division.

My Sex life is like Coca Cola,

It was classic then went on a diet, and now it’s zero.

So, have you heard about one of Santa's workers who couldn't keep his cool? Yes, he had no elf control!!

Sign outside a clock and watch repair shop:
We Fix Sick Ticks.

Stood next to a mirror the other day and was right beside myself!

Why are you going back and forth on that rock?
Answer: because it is my rocking chair.

My teacher said I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtractions.

I don’t get the difference.

Newton got his job of physicist by an apple while doctors lose their job by it.

“When the rich wage war, it is the poor who die.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre

What do you call a group of Whales on a TV show? A podcast.

I didn't mean to gain weight.
It happened by snaccident.

Don't do suicide bro, that shit kills you.