Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My doctor said that I should watch my drinking, so now I just go to bars with mirrors.

I joined the rowing team for health reasons...

since then Ive had repeated strokes.

What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French kitchen? Linoleum Blownapart.

Why couldn't the couple get married at the library? Because it was all booked up.

I own intelligent farm animals.
One's learned to drive a boat.
I’d show you, but unfortunately that sheep has already sailed.

Miley Cyrus owns a Rocky Mountain vacation home.

It's located in Hannah, Montana.

Sex before marriage is considered a sin…
After marriage a miracle!

GIRL: why didn’t you tell me you had a small guitar?

BOY: you didn’t inform me I was going to perform in a community hall.

Dating many Boy's doesn't mean You're Beautiful.
Cheap product have many Buyers.

Did you see the giraffe race? It was neck and neck.

Friend: “When can I come and see the baby?”

Me: “3am would be really helpful. Thanks.”

My grandmother just reached 105.

That's the last fu**ing time I get in the car when she's late for bingo!

Where do rabbits go after they get married ? On a bunnymoon !

Nurse: "What happened to your fingers?"
Me: You know those chefs who can chop things up really fast?" Nurse: Yes
Me: I can't do that.

What do you call a whale with no pants on?

Free Willy.

It's really easy to beat lesbians in a game of ro-sham-bo because they always go for scissors.

Never trust people who draw art for a living. They are sketchy people.

A friend of mine accidently stepped on a mouse trap in the dark and cut off his toe. The doctor reattached it. He used a toe nail.

Is the water closet a place to hang your swim suits?

An Irishman goes for a job on a building site.
The foreman says, "Can you brew tea?"
The Irishman says, "Yes."
"Good. Can you drive a fork lift?"
The Irishman looks at him and says, "Be jesus, how big is the teapot?"

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him Ive successfully installed Java.

He hates me.

It is impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.

What do gun jokes and American school kids have in common?

Neither get old.

"Nobody here touched anything..."

-Lying Ass End Users

I made a rocking chair today.

It wasnt meant to rock, Im just terrible at woodwork.

Apply at the alphabet soup factory. You’ll make over 500 K’s a year!

— Яша, я уже вышла из ванны и жду неприличных предложений…
— Софочка, а давай заправим оливье кетчупом.
— Нет, Яша, это уже перебор!

Hung a picture up on the wall the other day.
Nailed it!

"Keep love in your heart. A life without it is like a sunless garden when the flowers are dead."
— Oscar Wilde

While at the grocery store, be careful not to knock over the cabbage display.

Heads will roll.

What animal that resides in the casino?

A Sloth Machine.

Пятачок спрашивает у ослика Иа:
- Скажи, пожалуйста, а что, собственно, значит твоё имя Иа?
И ослик печально отвечает:
- Иосиф Аронович.

I’ve finally completed the first item on my bucket list.
- I have the bucket!

The best way to see the capital of France is with a Pariscope.

“No amount of fire or freshness can challenge what a man will store up in his ghostly heart.”

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Great Gatsby

— Моня, я отдала твои джинсы нашему соседу. — Это еще в честь чего?! — Ну они все равно тебе не нравились. — Так и шо?! Давай теперь отдадим соседу твою маму.

If he is consistently inconsistent, is he consistent or inconsistent?

What's the opposite of Ohio?

Olowo.

My friend has a compulsion of dipping his testicles into glitter.

Pretty Nuts when you think about it.

Why did the two orange traffic guidance devices fall in love?

<They felt a deep cone-ection.>

Two elderly ladies were out jogging in the park, a flasher jumped out on them...one lady had a stroke, the other couldn't reach.

Циля :
- Знаешь,Фима,я хочу купить себе новую кофточку. Как ты думаешь, как должна выглядеть красивая кофточка?
- Ну, я таки думаю,шо высокая такая, стройная...

В этом мире вера осталась только у алоэ.

Как говорил Семён Маркович: это хорошо, шо вас носят на руках, следите тока за тем, куда вас несут...

Those who appreciate Colour Jokes have a great sense of hue-mour.

Онн любил её без памяти.
У него был склероз!

- Алло, дайте мине Рабиновича!
- Не хотелось бы говорить Вам "нет", но таки да!
- Я страшно интересуюсь спросить его за его здоровье!
- Я Вам скажу за его здоровье - оно так себе...
- Так скажите Рабиновичу, шо пусть он расскажет мине за все свои подробности!
- Вы будете огорчаться, но Рабинович немножечко умер...
- Прямо-таки настолько, шо не хочет со мной поговорить?!..

Как говорила тётя Песя :
- И шоб вы себе знали,скромность, украшающая человека, таки, называется бижутерией..

У всех девушек бабочки в животе требовали любви, и только моль в животе у Розы требовала шубу.

Grandpa's wishes were to be cremated, so we did just that; I think he Urned it.

If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.

I bought some sexy crotchless panties in Victoria's Secret today.
"A surprise for the wife?" asked the cashier.
"Maybe" I replied, "It all depends on whether she catches me wearing them or not."

My friend wanted to be on a boat, surrounded by salt water, but had very little money in her budget. We came up with a saline solution.

What do you call a British person with balls?
An American!

I would lose weight but I hate losing.

Do you know that I went to Italy to study the history of it's ancient ruins? Yeah, I just Romed around!!

What's the difference between a sports car and a dead prostitute

I haven't got a sports car in my garage.

3 Irish men in a pub
called Mick, Pat and Tat.
The barman says "Are you all related?"
Mick said "Yeah we're triplets!"
Barman said "Triplets!,
how come you and Pat are 6ft tall, and Tat is only 4ft tall?",
"Well!" said Mick "Me and Pat were
breast fed so there was no tit for Tat!

A mate of mine told me a joke about oil. I said to him "is this some kind of slick joke"

Anaerobic respiration reminds me of how you take my breath away.

I love to give homemade gifts.

Which one of my kids do you want?

I went bare hunting the other day... It was great, until my nosy neighbor called 911 about a naked man in the woods with a gun!

I used to pretend I was a mop and bucket.
I quit because they
couldn't sweep things
under the carpet.

I got kicked out of the hospital....

Apparently I misunderstood "Stroke Patients Here"

What doesn't taste as good as it smells?

a nose.

РОЛЕВАЯ ИГРА ЗАКОНЧИЛАСЬ ДРАКОЙ, КОГДА МОНЯ, ПЕРЕОДЕВШИСЬ ДОКТОРОМ СПРОСИЛ У ФИРЫ: -ДИЕТОЛОГА ВЫЗЫВАЛИ?

I like to help people find things by telling them that it's got to be around here somewhere..

Why is Billy Joel’s laundry still wet? He Didn’t Start The Dryer.

"Dad!! Can you help me out?"

"Sure! Which way did you come in?”

If the internet isn't a drug, why do they call us all users?

I need to learn the rules to make sure I don't accidentally follow them.

I said to my Doctor, "I've become a can of deodorant."
He said, "Are you sure?"

I replied, "No, I'm Lynx."

My friends allergic to rice.

He is basmatic.

I just bought a peanut farm, I hope all the hard work doesn't make me nuts.

I have a giant thermometer.

It's not wide in width, but far-in-height.

I just got a job at an ice cream factory,the people here are really cool.

Golf is the only sport around, where the object is to play less of it.

“Hèll is empty and all the dëvils are here.”
— William Shakespeare

I tried to get into hypnosis school, but failed the en-trance exam.

My new theory on inertia doesn't seem to be gaining momentum....