Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Честный мужчина женится столько раз, сколько обещал, a
обманщик - только один.

What's the difference between Prince Andrew and R Kelly ?
About 12 million quid.

"We must not allow other people's limited perceptions to define us."

— V. Satir

Miss Piggy is the beneficiary of Kermit's life insurance policy. She just has to wait until he croaks.

What do you call the testicles of a peacock? His peanuts.

The recipe said, "Prick with a fork"..
.....but enough about me.

Alexa, tell me a joke about the president...

Alexa: people say I should run for president, but I think Im better suited, for speaker of the house!

What’s the difference between me and a calendar? A calendar has dates.

What do you call someone missing 50% of their spine?

A halfback.

"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."

– Milton Berle

”When you have something to say, silence is a lie.”
— Jordan B. Peterson

If you're withdrawing money from an ATM at one am, it's NOT going to charity

If you're withdrawing money from an ATM at one am, for charity, that's the stripper's name.

What do you call two worms in love? Soilmates.

Sure there’s a risk getting a colonoscopy
Butt it’s well worth it.

Wise men drink wine...

Budweiser men drink beer

If any of you have an old pair of gloves I can take them off your hands.

I quit visiting my acupuncturist when he stopped using needles.
I just didn’t get the point.

There’s a guy in our secret meetings who never leaves his seat and always wants to talk about root issues and branching out.
I think he might be a plant.

In India they have a humor vaccine it’s called a punjab.

Shaquille O’Neal owns a firework manufacturing company in Anchorage. It’s called
BOOM SHAQ ALASKA.

A German walks into a library and ask for a book on war. The librarian says Fuck off you lost the last two.

Why does the new Russian Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see the old Russian Navy.

Does a sand dollar count as a form of curren-sea?

If I'm holding a cricket ball in each hand, what do I have?

A really huge cricket.

I had dinner with a Meteorologist last night ; I asked if she sensed a warm front coming and she stormed out!

What type of person doesn’t love pizza?
A weirdough.

I know of a house of math, they use only one kind of toilet paper.
~Multi ply

My sister asked me if I want to get married someday. I said, “No! - You’re my sister!”

So, have you heard about the potatoes that got drunk? Yeah, they were smashed!

If you need any help in English,
I'm always hair.

Minister: "Repeat after me."
Groom: "After me."
Minister (to bride): "Is he serious?"
Bride: "No. He is David."

So the inventor of the Morse code has sadly passed away.

Dashes to dashes dots to dots.

My mate just rang me and said, What are you doing at the moment?

I said, Probably failing my driving test.

"Patience is bitter, but its fruit is sweet."

— Aristotle

When I say you are cute please don't say really because I don't wanna lie twice.

Had one dream of me drowning in a Japanese seafood dish think I might be sushicidal.

Mark was born to early, and Shania too late. Alas, never the Twains shall meet.

The locals broke away from the carpenter's union and formed their own splinter group.

I was going to tell a gay joke...
Butt fuck it.

My gf says we should spice up our sex life with some stuff from 50 Shades of Gray.
First, she wants me to become a billionaire.

So poligamy is just a marry go round.

How tf you gonna date a left handed person & expect things to be right???

When Chuck Norris was late for school teachers punished the rest of the class for being early.

“One ídiot is one idíot.
Two ídiots are two ídiots.
Ten thousand ídiots are a political party.”
— Franz Kafka

Her profile Match.com said she wants a guy that makes her laugh. Unfortunately, she also said "no dick pics" so there goes that.

Hubby asked if I got paid for my witty puns. I said no. He said y’all are getting your moneys worth.

My Ex-Girlfriend had a fantastic set of Tits..!

However one was a bit bigger than the other.

She wasn't really that Self-Conscious.

Until she entered a Wet T-Shirt Contest and came 1st and 3rd..!

Are workers allowed to strike at a match factory?

Most of Europe's hip hop studios are located in Prague.

It's a Bohemian rap city.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Chuck Norris says it’s beef, it’s beef!

The shopping list is confusing.
Bacon, garlic, perfume, cigars, and flowers.
But it does make a lot of scents!

If you wake up in a red room with no windows or doors don’t panic you’re in my heart…

My favorite singer has designed a new toilet prototype.

It's called the L10 John.

"Difficulties strengthen the mind, as labor does the body."

— Seneca

My wife and I had a talk in the back of the boat. It was a stern conversation

No safety dance in construction zones. Men must wear hats.

I dreamt last night that I knighted a fish...

it was Sir eel.

“Every word has consequences. Every silence too.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre

New research shows, men who masturbate when over the age of 60, risk ending up in hospital.
It only takes one stroke!

Cleveland is the area between a woman's breasts.

Every time you light a lighter, your lighter gets lighter until your lighter gets so light it won't light.

Dark jokes are happiness...
Not everyone gets it...

The one thing I can say about the good old days is that I was neither good nor old.

“The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.”
— Plato

Last night I had a terrible dream that I had to make a thousand pancakes.
I was tossing and turning all night long!

I made world history when I dropped my dinner plate last night. Greece was overthrown, Turkey fell, and China was in ruins.

- Софочка, а шо это ты так долго стоишь у окна?
- Та я вот думаю - прыгнуть или закрыть?..
- Та прыгай, конечно! Я закрою!

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

Misheard my financial adviser and put all my money into socks and chairs.

When a person says they will pray for you, they are basically saying they will do nothing for you.

Can i have your heart? So i can sell it and be rich.

I'm going to be like everyone I know...a Nonconformist....

Santa Claus delivers presents so he can stay on Chuck Norris's nice list.

English teachers put more thought into a novel than the actual author did.

My company is better at making sun cream than our competitors, but I don't like to rub it in.

My dog is a genius.
I asked him "What's two minus two?"
He said nothing.

What do you call a little building?
Small.

What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.

“ Russian Satellite Falls to Earth “
I just read the Orbituary.

I was going to run for president of the local pessimist group but I didn't think I would win.