Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why did the orange stop half way up the hill? It ran out of juice.

The best part about me, is I'm not you.

Watching TV is a nightmare nowadays!

Violence, fighting, cursing, swearing...

And thats just to get the remote!

A comma and an apostrophe went to couples therapy. Even though the apostrophe was being possessive, the comma didn't want to end things.

I enjoy warm weather, but only to a certain degree.

I soak my contact lenses in my oatmeal before I wear them.
….. Fiber Optics….

Instructor: Welcome to salsa class. Now let’s learn how to dance!

Me: (hiding bag of tortilla chips and sneaking out)

What word becomes shorter if you add two letters?

Short.

“Even the darkest night will end and the sun will rise again.”
— Victory Hugo

Stars don't shine, they burn.

Redneck word of the day: Inhale.
Usage: Why inhale did I go to Walmart today?

—¿Te gustan los niños?
—No sé, nunca me he comido uno.

The neighbor that lives across the street is the head of an elementary school, the neighbor next door to me is the head of a high school. These are the principals I live by.

" You misinterpret everything, even the silence."
~ Franz Kafka

"If the Bare Naked Ladies" and the "Naked Brothers Band" did a concert together, it would be an Exposé.

I asked the library guy for a book about tongue twisters in Deutsch, he gave me dictionary.

My son went against my wishes and got a tattoo of a deck of cards.
I'll deal with him later.

Q: Why did the well digger quit?
A: He got tired of the hole boring business.

Someone donated one kidney, he is a hero.
I donated five and I was arrested.

В основном откровенные люди предпочитают одиночество. Потому что не всех синяки украшают.

Q:What did the vampire say to the school girl?
A: See you next period.

The difference between a teacher and a train, is that the teacher tells you to spit out your gum, but the train says chew, chew!

—¿Qué tal la visita al oftalmólogo?
—¿¡QUIÉN ANDA AHÍ!?

If England is on the metric system, why isn't police headquarters called Scotland Meter?

Somebody hit me with a copy of A Tale of Two Cities.
It hurt like the Dickens!

“Those who promise us paradise on earth never produced anything but hell.”
— Karl Popper

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected expected?

Ikea assembles Chuck Norris's furniture.

I met a nun who wiped her nose on her clothes. She had a nasty habit.

I have the body of a porn star.
All my clothes say XXX.

“The best fighter is never angry.”
— Lao Tzu

Don't just whine about your day when you can drink the wine instead.

“I prefer liberty with danger than peace with slavery.”
— Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I keep asking people what's the lowest military rank and they all tell me "It's private." So frustrating!

“I am not upset that you lied to me, I am upset that from now on I can't believe you.”
— Friedrich Nietzsche

“In the kingdom of the blind, the one-eyed man is a king.”
— Desiderius Erasmus

How do painkillers know where the pain is in the body?
Painkillers are like women..... They know everything.

Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.

Man charged with public urination to be tried by a jury of his pee-ers.

“Expectation is the root of all heartache.”
— William Shakespeare

My wife keeps saying we need to be on the same page.
- I don’t even know what book she’s reading!

Why do clothes eat meat?
For Iron.

Dr: Here's the baby
Dad: thank you
Dr: I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
Dad: then give me the one my wife did make...

Chuck Norris can be Jewish and still eat Pork.

I just got a job at a turnip farm,I hope everything turns up ok.

The window installer believed in the saying 'No pane no gain'.

In American English, the T in "Subtle" is silent because we threw that thing in the Boston Harbor.

A reality tv contest between two cartoonists ended in a draw.

Q: Why doesn't Captain Hook play poker?
A: He can't afford to lose another hand.

It's called the Lotto because when you win you get a lotto money.

A nurse digs into her bag for a pen to write a cheque and pulls out a rectal thermometer. Great she sighs Some arsehole's got my pen.

You know you're getting old, when you get up in the morning and have to rest for a while.

I just wanted to see if
My Neighbor's Laptop
Could fit inside my bag
And they are now calling
Me a Thief.

I hate it when I'm talking to myself and suddenly realize I wasn't listening and have to start over.

Is the female version of tea bagging called flappuccino???

“To be alone is the fate of all great minds.”
— Arthur Schopenhauer

What has two legs and bleeds?
Half a dog!

Looks like dentists could be next to strike.
So brace yourself.

The telemarketer asked me if I read magazines at all and I replied that I did, periodically.

“No legacy is as rich as honesty.”
— William Shakespeare

Tips on how to be lazy:
1.

Restaurant toilets are dangerous!

So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!

The sign said, "Wet Paint", so I poured my water bottle out on it. Currently awaiting further instructions.

I went into Victoria's Secret and asked the assistant if they sold satin underwear.

They advised me that EVERYTHING they sell is brand new!

“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.”
— William Blake

Wife:"The dog next door barked 200 times last night!!"
Him: "Is that an actual count, or just a... "ruff" estimate?

Yes, wine does improve with age.
The older you get, the more you like it.

Ironic that the two o's in cooperate insisted on having their own separate sounds.

This really polite person was driving the train.
He was a ……
CIVIL Engineer!

This is my fourth visit to Turkey in 3 years, and every time it's the same old thing. 10 camels for your beautiful wife

And every time I tell them to fuck off, before winking at the wife.

If she is that fucking beautiful, why the fuck are they trying to sell her back to me.

I thought it would be Tough cooking Chinese food outside, but actually it’s a “ WOK in The Park”

What happens when your hotdogs get cold?
You get chillie dogs.

Once you’ve been to the dentist enough times, you pretty much know the drill.

Breaking: Prince Harry Gets Job at Bakery!

He’ll be a ginger bread man.

That awkward moment when you open a birthday card and there's no money in it and you pretend to read it with a lost smile.

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started.”
— Mark Twain

“You become what you understand.”
— Søren Kierkegaard

What do you call a fish who is wearing a bowtie?

Sofishticated.

Q. What do you call it when there’s no Internet in Russia?
A. Internet.

“Those who do not move, do not notice their chains.”
— Rosa Luxemburg