Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What do you get if you dip your balls in ice cream?
Brain freeze.

“Those who are hardest to love need it the most.”
— Socrates

A girl met a guy at the subway.

G: Everytime you smile I feel like calling you over to my place

B: awww... Are you single?

G: No I'm a dentist

Saw a fantastic film about a very
large insect.
It was XL ant.

Толстый продавец лифчиков ненавидел фразу:
- Примерно как у вас.

My neighbour just walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs?" He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters." I said, "Wow, your sisters are really fucking ugly."

"Babe is it in?" "Yea." "Does it hurt?" "Uh huh." "Let me put it in slowly." "It still hurts." "Okay, let's try another shoe size."

Why should you wear glasses to math class? Because it helps with division.

My Sex life is like Coca Cola,

It was classic then went on a diet, and now it’s zero.

So, have you heard about one of Santa's workers who couldn't keep his cool? Yes, he had no elf control!!

Sign outside a clock and watch repair shop:
We Fix Sick Ticks.

Stood next to a mirror the other day and was right beside myself!

Why are you going back and forth on that rock?
Answer: because it is my rocking chair.

My teacher said I’m pretty good at addition but I’m terrible at subtractions.

I don’t get the difference.

Newton got his job of physicist by an apple while doctors lose their job by it.

“When the rich wage war, it is the poor who die.”
— Jean-Paul Sartre

What do you call a group of Whales on a TV show? A podcast.

I didn't mean to gain weight.
It happened by snaccident.

Don't do suicide bro, that shit kills you.

There is a place I heard where you can ride a pig instead of a bull.
It's called Bucking Ham Palace.

The "E" in the word Physics stands for Easy.

Just my luck - judging by the itching and the rash, I think I'm allergic to prostitutes.

I snatch kisses and....
Vice versa

What is the difference between driving in the fog and a 69’er?

You can actually see the asshole in front of you!

Q: What do you call a rash caused by a nickel necklace?
A: Chain reaction.

Яша Рабинович в одесском ресторане подзывает официанта:
- У меня таки есть три жалобы. Во-первых, ваш суп - помои; во-вторых, форшмак - просто ужас; и в-третьих, почему такие маленькие порции?!..

Женщина, помни: разводясь с мужчиной, ты толкаешь его обратно в зону комфорта!

If at first you don't succeed, try doing it the way your husband told you.

Happy independence day!

"It's only treason if you lose"

Why is the mens bathroom always on the left?

Because women are always right.

You heard the joke about the bed? No? That's because it hasn't been made yet!

Did you hear about the cemetery?
When it first opened, people were dying to get in, but now it’s kind of a ghost town.

Why did the crab stay out of the road?

Because most crabs prefer a side walk.

"Either you run the day, or the day runs you."

— Jim Rohn

“Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.”
― Søren Kierkegaard

Detective: “The victim must have had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”

If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.

I hate when people say it's a quarter to ten... when it's way easier to just say 9:75pm.

The most comfortable sleeping position is the one you snuggle into, after turning off your alarm.

My mom just sent me a text message saying "Call me ASAP!"

That is just too weird for me. I think I'll just stick to calling her "Mom"...

The police knocked on my door this morning.
"Do the letters H.B mean anything to you?" they asked.
"No," I said.
"What about G.D. then?"
"Nope means nothing to me," I said
"How about A.J?"
"Look," I said, "am I suspected of something?"
"Not at all sir," they said, "we're just making some initial inquiries."

There is no such thing as a dirty mind.

Just a sense of humor with adult content.

If you're ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Never order, “One for the road.” The road’s already laid out.

"Dwell on the beauty of life. Watch the stars, and see yourself running with them."

― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Why is the ocean so angry?
You'd be angry too if you had crabs all over your bottom......:-)

My girlfriend took a pregnancy test today and my thoughts were confirmed, she's just a fat cunt.

Cyclops was doing a crossword and asked his wife how to spell Hawaii. She said, “You need to i’s.” He said, “Well, that’s rude!”

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

"First learn the meaning of what you say, and then speak."
― Epictetus

"What Paul says about Peter tells us more about Paul than about Peter.”
— Baruch Spinoza

—No soporto que me trates como a un desconocido.
—Pero si no le conozco de nada, señor.
—¿Ves? Otra vez.

Most successful people are people you've never heard of. They want it that way.

A man with 2 left feet goes into a shoe store and asks...
"Do you sell flop, flops?"

Strippers are really bad investors. You know why….they tend to lose their shirts.

I’ve learned 99% of the English language. I’m almost their.

What did the doughnut say to the pizza?
If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.

How did Steve Jobs compliment someone?
"You're the apple of my eye".

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead!

My girlfriend has made so much money since she's been on OnlyFans that I've got a new car and a set of custom golf clubs
I do worry that someone will recognize her in public and tell her she's on it though.

Secret to a successful marriage is separate vacations.

Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.

What do you call a reptile in Space?
Scalien.

The grocery store has stopped selling tropical fruit! It's enough to make a mango crazy.

My local crematorium is holding an open day...
...I'm dying to go.

I can't believe they cancelled Vivaldi after just Four Seasons.

Anybody who believes in phrenology ought to have their head examined.

I took my grandfather to one of those fish spas where little fish eat away all the dead skin.
It cost $50 but was still a lot cheaper than a funeral.

Whats the difference between a sea and a sale?
You can sail a sea, and see a sale.

The word "exams" starts from "ex"
So cheating is our 1st priority.

"It is madness to hate all roses because you got scratched with one thorn."
Antoine de Saint-Exupére

I'm so glad I convinced my daughter to not date this guy named Kelvin.
He's an absolute zero.

What is a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby.

I broke up with my anorexic Girlfriend.

I was seeing less and less of her.

"Do you have gf? "
"Yes i have"
"Where does she live"
"Another nation"
"What nation?"
"Imagination"

My dog has a lot of potential, you just have to unleash it.

How many engineers ever worked on engines?

Someone invited me to go see a bust of Marilyn Monroe. But it just showed her head.

One reason Mr. Gore can dance to only one tune is because he moves to his own, algorhythm.

My uncle polished floors for a living. When he met my aunt, he really took a shine to her.

An American:
— We have Barack Obama, Stevie Wonder, Bob Hope and Johnny Cash.
A Russian:
— We have Vladimir Putin, no wonder, no hope and no cash.