Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Westheimer's Rule: To estimate the time it takes to do a task: estimate the time you think it should take, multiply by 2, and change the unit of measure to the next highest unit. Thus we allocate 2 days for a one hour task.

Wells's Law: A parade should have bands or horses, not both.

Weisman's Law of Examinations: If you're confident after you've just finished an exam, it's because you don't know enough to know better.

Weinberg's Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.
Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

Weiler's Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Weidner's Queries:
The tide comes in and the tide goes out, and what have you got?
They say an elephant never forgets, but what's he got to remember?

Weber-Fechner Law: The least change in stimulus necessary to produce a perceptible change in response is proportional to the stimulus already existing.

Weaver's Law: When several reporters share a cab on an assignment, the reporter in the front seat pays for all.
Corollary (O'Doyle): No matter how many reporters share a cab, and no matter who pays, each puts the full fare on his own expense account.
Corollary (Germond): When a group of newsmen go out to dinner together, the bill is to be divided evenly among them, regardless of what each one eats and drinks.

Rule of the Way Out: Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.

Watson's Law: The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the number and significance of any persons watching it.

Washington's Law: Space expands to house the people to perform the work that Congress creates.

Walters's Law of Management: If you're already in a hole, there's no use to continue digging.

Wallace's Observation: Everything is in a state of utter dishevelment.

Walker's Law: Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.

Walinsky's First Law of Political Campaigns: If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown.

Walinsky's Law: The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the number of participants.

Waldo's Observation: One man's red tape is another man's system.

Wain's Conclusion: The only people making money these days are the ones who sell computer paper.

Waffle's Law: A professor's enthusiasm for teaching the introductory course varies inversely with the likelihood of his having to do it.

Waddell's Law of Equipment Failure: A component's degree of reliability is directly proportional to its ease of accessibility (i.e., the harder it is to get to, the more often it breaks down).

Vonnegut's Corollary: Beauty may be only skin deep, but ugliness goes right to the core.

Von Braun's Law of Gravity: We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

Vique's Law: A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle.

Lucy Van Pelt's Observation: There must be one day above all others in each life that is the happiest.
Corollary: What if you've already had it?

Vance's Rule of 2 1/2: Any military project will take twice as long as planned, cost twice as much, and produce only half of what is wanted.

Vail's Axiom: In any human enterprise, work seeks the lowest hierarchical level.

The Unspeakable Law: As soon as you mention something, if it's good, it goes away; if it's bad, it happens.

Unnamed Law: If it happens, it must be possible.

Universal Field Theory of Perversity (Mule's Law): The probability of an event's occurring varies directly with the perversity of the inanimate object involved and inversely with the product of its desirability and the effort expended to produce it.

The Unapplicable Law: Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

Umbrella Law: You will need three umbrellas: one to leave at the office, one to leave at home, and one to leave on the train.

The Ultimate Principle: By definition, when you are investigating the unknown, you do not know what you will find.

The Ultimate Law: All general statements are false.

Uhlmann's Razor: When stupidity is a sufficient explanation, there is no need to have recourse to any other. Corollary (Law of Historical Causation): "It seemed like the thing to do at the time."

Ubell's Law of Press Luncheons: At any public relations luncheon, the quality of the food is inversely related to the quality of the information.

Tylk's Law: Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups.

Twain's Rule: Only kings, editors, and people with tapeworm have the right to use the editorial "we".

Turner's Law: Nearly all prophecies made in public are wrong.

Turnauckas's Observation: To err is human; to really foul things up takes a computer.

Tuccille's First Law of Reality: Industry always moves in to fill an economic vacuum.

Truman's Law: If you cannot convince them, confuse them.

Troutman's Laws of Computer Programming:

Any running program is obsolete.
Any planned program costs more and takes longer.
Any useful program will have to be changed.
Any useless program will have to be documented.
The size of a program expands to fill all available memory.
The value of a program is inversely proportional to the weight of its output.
The complexity of a program grows until it exceeds the capability of its maintainers.
Any system that relies on computer reliability is unreliable.
Any system that relies on human reliability is unreliable.
Make it possible for programmers to write programs in English, and you will find that programmers cannot write in English.
Profanity is the one language all programmers know best.

Law of Triviality: The time spent on any item of the agenda will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved.

Trischmann's Paradox (Axiom of the Pipe): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

First Law of Travel: No matter how many rooms there are in the motel, the fellow who starts up his car at five o'clock in the morning is always parked under your window.

Travel Axiom: He travels fastest who travels alone . . . but he hasn't anything to do when he gets there.

Transcription Square Law: The number of errors made is equal to the sum of the squares employed.

Torquemada's Law: When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you.

Titanic Coincidence: Most accidents in well-designed systems involve two or more events of low probability occurring in the worst possible combination.

Tipper's Law: Those who expect the biggest tips provide the worst service.

Thwartz's Theorem of Low Profile: Negative expectation thwarts realization, and self-congratulation guarantees disaster. (Or, simply put: If you think of it, it won't happen quite that way.)

Thurber's Conclusion: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.

Thoreau's Rule: Any fool can make a rule, and every fool will mind it.

Thoreau's Law: If you see a man approaching with the obvious intent of doing you good, run for your life.

Thinking Man's Tautology: If you think you're wrong, you're wrong.
Corollary: If you think you're wrong, you're right.

Terman's Law of Innovation: If you want a track team to win the high jump you find one person who can jump seven feet, not seven people who can jump one foot.

Terman's Law: There is no direct relationship between the quality of an educational program and its cost.

Taxi Principle: Find out the cost before you get in.

I saw a horse drawn carriage yesterday.
…I didn’t know horses could draw!

Six short years ago my wife’s doctor was delivering pizza and monkeybread. People still say those are bad names for our twins.

Swipple's Rule of Order: He who shouts loudest has the floor.

Sutton's Law: Go where the money is.

Survival Formula for Public Office:

Exploit the inevitable (which means, take credit for anything good which happens whether you had anything to do with it or not).
Don't disturb the perimeter (meaning don't stir up a mess unless you can be sure of the result).
Stay in with the Outs (the Ins will make so many mistakes, you can't afford to alienate the Outs).
Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost.

Law of Superstition: It's bad luck to be superstititious.

Law of Superiority: The first example of superior principle is always inferior to the developed example of inferior principle.

Suhor's Law: A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.

Sueker's Note: If you need n items of anything, you will have n - 1 in stock.

Sturgeon's Law: Ninety percent of everything is crud.

Stock's Observation: You no sooner get your head above water than someone pulls your flippers off.

Stock Market Axiom: The public is always wrong.

Stockbroker's Declaration: The market will rally from this or lower levels.

Stewart's Law of Retroaction: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Stephens's Soliloquy: Finality is death. Perfection is finality. Nothing is perfect. There are lumps in it.

Steinbeck's Law: When you need towns, they are very far apart.

Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: Everyone should believe in something -- I believe I'll have another drink.

Sprinkle's Law: Things always fall at right angles.

Specht's Meta-Law: Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

Spark's Ten Rules for the Project Manager:

Strive to look tremendously important.
Attempt to be seen with important people.
Speak with authority; however, only expound on the obvious and proven facts.
Don't engage in arguments, but if cornered, ask an irrelevant question and lean back with a satisfied grin while your opponent tries to figure out what's going on -- then quickly change the subject.
Listen intently while others are arguing the problem. Pounce on a trite statement and bury them with it.
If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him.
Obtain a brilliant assignment, but keep out of sight and out of the limelight.
Walk at a fast pace when out of the office -- this keeps questions from subordinates and superiors at a minimum.
Always keep the office door closed. This puts visitors on the defensive and also makes it look as if you are always in an important conference.
Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

Spare Parts Principle: The accessibility, during recovery of small parts which fall from the work bench, varies directly with the size of the part and inversely with its importance to the completion of the work underway.

Grandma Soderquist's Conclusion: A chicken doesn't stop scratching just because the worms are scarce.