Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Я трезвый за руль не сажусь, очень страшно.

A 73 yr old woman was in court yesterday for streaking at the Chelsea Flower show last week. She was let off with a caution but was awarded 1st prize for best dried bush arrangement.

Glock carries Chuck Norris for self-defense.

Me : I Love my Life
My Life : Excuse me , We are just Friends

Everything’s great in your digestive system.

Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit.

A documentary made by the Flat Earth society has been nominated for a Golden Globe.

I saw in London that it costs two pence to use a public toilet. 2p, or not to pee, that is the question.

I just had another birthday.
- When is “old enough to know better” supposed to kick in?

I took a photo of a mouse today.

He didn’t say ‘cheese’, but I could tell he was thinking it.

Facebook really be just a bunch of sad people making each other laugh with memes.

What’s a bed’s favorite game?
Hide and sheet.

I knew a trumpet player whose group was called “The Cruise Ship Band.” In reality, they should have been called “Banned from Cruise Ships!”

FUN Fact
Nothing makes an introvert happy than a cancelled plan.

My Wife found lipstick in my pocket, I told her straight up I was cheating, there was no way I was going to confess I sell AVON..

Chuck Norris once won a staring contest against his own reflection

Here's what I don't get from the Johnny Depp trial. What was it exactly that Amber heard?

Do you ever wonder if a camel looks at its toe and thinks "Damn! I have vagina foot!"

I lived in China for a long time. When I first moved back to the USA, it was hard to readjust. It was very disorienting.

Flip flops are fun because every time you take a step it's like a high-five for your feet.

If anyone could do it, it wouldn't be called PROcrastination.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

I finally found someone who sees something in me!
She runs the x-ray at the hospital.

— Простите, а клуб ностальгирующих здесь?
— Здесь. Но он уже не тот, что раньше.

Yesterday I got a tattoo at a temporary tattoo shop. When I woke up the tattoo was still on my arm! I just went down there to complain and the shop’s gone!

I was reprimanded at my job today at the sunscreen manufacturing plant when I asked for help. My supervisor said that I need to learn to apply myself.

I always enjoyed my girlfriend’s wit, but
now I’m breaking up with her.
Turns out she was faking her sarcasms.

Always return borrowed money...

even money hates to be a loan.

So I said to the decorator “What is Satin Finish?”

He said: “No idea, but I know what Chair is in Swedish.”

If you want to change the world, do it while you’re single.
Once you’re married, you can’t even change the television channel.

I'm supposed to respect my elders,
but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

I'm only talking to myself today. Sorry for the inconvenience.

I once tried to have sex with a great white shark, but lost my erection my leg, and half my arse.

This mans boss said, You can have a week off if you want to. The man asked: Can I have two weeks off if I want three?

While visiting the Royal Palace we were invited to a ceremony
where Knights were
receiving awards.
It was a Sir prize party.

My dishwasher sucks. It's already ruined three of my paper plates.

Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labour: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Zymurgy's Seventh Exception to Murphy's Laws: When it rains, it pours.

Zymurgy's First Law of Evolving System Dynamics: Once you open a can of worms, the only way to recan them is to use a larger can. (Old worms never die, they just worm their way into larger cans.)

Zusmann's Rule: A successful symposium depends on the ratio of meeting to eating.

Zimmerman's Law of Complaints: Nobody notices when things go right.

Zimmerman's Law: Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate.

Zellar's Law: Every newspaper, no matter how tight the news hole, has room for a story on another newspaper increasing its newsstand price.

Young's Law: All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Corollary: The greater the funding, the longer it takes to make the mistake.

Young's Handy Guide to the Modern Sciences: If it is green or it wiggles -- it is Biology. If it stinks -- it is Chemistry. If it doesn't work -- it is Physics.

Yolen's Guide for Self-Praise: Proclaim yourself "World Champ" of something -- tiddly-winks, rope- jumping, whatever -- send this notice to newspapers, radio, TV, and wait for challengers to confront you. Avoid challenges as long as possible, but continue to send news of your achievements to all media. Also, develop a newsletter and letterhead for communications.

Yapp's Basic Fact: If a thing cannot be fitted into something smaller than itself, some dope will do it.

Wyszkowski's Second Law: Anything can be made to work if you fiddle with it long enough.

Wyszowski's First Law: No experiment is reproducible.

Wyszkowski's Theorem: Regardless of the units used by either the supplier or the customer, the manufacturer shall use his own arbitrary units convertible to those of either the supplier or the customer only by means of weird and unnatural conversion factors.

Wynne's Law: Negative slack tends to increase.

Worker's Dilemma Law (Management's Put-Down Law):
No matter how much you do, you'll never do enough.
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.

Woodward's Law: A theory is better than an explanation.

Woods's Laws of Procrastination:
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Procrastinate today! (Tomorrow may be too late.)
NOW is the time to do things later!
If at first you don't succeed, why try again?

Woods's Incomplete Maxims:

All's well that ends.
A penny saved is a penny.
Don't leave things unfinishe

Wood's Law: The more unworkable the urban plan, the greater the probability of implementation.

Woman's Equation: Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Woltman's Law: Never program and drink beer at the same time.

Wolf's Law of Tactics: If you can't beat them, have them join you.

Wolf's Law of Planning: A good place to start from is where you are.

Wolf's Law of Meetings: The only important result of a meeting is agreement about next steps.

Wolf's Law of Management: The tasks to do immediately are the minor ones; otherwise, you'll forget them. The major ones are often better to defer. They usually need more time for reflection. Besides, if you forget them, they'll remind you.

Wolf's Law of History Lessons: Those who don't study the past will repeat its errors. Those who do study it will find other ways to err.

Wolf's Law of Decision-Making: Major actions are rarely decided by more than four people. If you think a larger meeting you're attending is really "hammering out" a decision, you're probably wrong. Either the decision was agreed to by a smaller group before the meeting began, or the outcome of the larger meeting will be modified later when three or four people get together.

Wolf's Law (An Optimistic View of a Pessimistic World): It isn't that things will necessarily go wrong (Murphy's Law), but rather that they will take so much more time and effort than you think if they are not to go wrong.

Wober's SNIDE Rule (Satisfied Needs Incite Demand Excesses): Ideal goals grow faster than the means of attaining new goals allow.

Witten's Law: Whenever you cut your fingernails, you will find a need for them an hour later.

First Law of Wing-Walking: Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold of something else.

Wingo's Axiom: All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing without thinking.

Wilson's Law of Demographics: The public is not made up of people who get their names in the newspapers.

Flip Wilson's Law: You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickles in the machine.

Will's Rule of Informed Citizenship: If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the Constitution. (It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's statecraft.) Instead read selected portions of the Washington telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with titles beginning with the word "National".

Williams and Holland's Law: If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by statistical methods.

Wilcox's Law: A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.

Wicker's Law: Government expands to absorb revenue, and then some.

Whole Picture Principle: Research scientists are so wrapped up in their own narrow endeavors that they cannot possibly see the whole picture of anything, including their own research.
Corollary: The Director of Research should know as little as possible about the specific subject of research he is administering.

White's Statement: Don't lose heart . . . Owen's Comment on White's Statement: . . . they might want to cut it out . . . Byrd's Addition to Owen's Comment on White's Statement: . . . and they want to avoid a lengthy search.

White's Observations of Committee Operation:

People very rarely think in groups; they talk together, they exchange information, they adjudicate, they make compromises. But they do not think; they do not create.
A really new idea affronts current agreement.
A meeting cannot be productive unless certain premises are so shared that they do not need to be discussed, and the argument can be confined to areas of disagreement. But while this kind of consensus makes a group more effective in its legitimate functions, it does not make the group a creative vehicle -- it would not be a new idea if it didn't -- and the group, impelled as it is to agree, is instinctively hostile to that which is divisive.

White's Chappaquiddick Theorem: The sooner and in more detail you announce bad news, the better.

White Flag Principle: A military disaster may produce a better postwar situation than victory.

Whispered Rule: People will believe anything if you whisper it.