Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Rather's Rule: In dealing with the press do yourself a favor. Stick with one of three responses: (a) I know and I can tell you, (b) I know and I can't tell you, or (c) I don't know.

Law of Raspberry Jam: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.

Raskin's Zero Law: The more zeros found in the price tag for a government program, the less Congressional scrutiny it will receive.

Rapoport's Rule of the Roller-Skate Key: Certain items which are crucial to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularity until the day when that activity is planned, at which point the item in question will disappear from the face of the earth.

Rangnekar's Modified Rules Concerning Decisions:
If you must make a decision, delay it.
If you can authorize someone else to avoid a decision, do so.
If you can form a committee, have them avoid the decision.
If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.

Randolph's Cardinal Principle of Statecraft: Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Rakove's Laws of Politics:
The amount of effort put into a campaign by a worker expands in proportion to the personal benefits that he will derive from his party's victory.
The citizen is influenced by principle in direct proportion to his distance from the political situation.

After he invented the light bulb, people saw Edison in a new light.

How do you spell candy with 2 letters?

C and Y...

Why did the TV
hate his holiday.
Because he went
somewhere remote.

My old English teacher used to fail us just for not using the active voice. He was very passive aggressive.

I was kicked out of the circle of life for being a square.

If something bad happens, and nobody's there to experience it, are we still supposed to feel bad?

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house.

The door guy showed up late...

but he really knew how to make an entrance.

They asked me if I had my flu shot.

I'm not sure I even know where my flu even IS!

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies.

My mate who has a stutter, was telling us about his Nana.

By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

Секс по телефону:
- Парень, тебе точно больше 18-ти?
- Да, тетенька...

Chuck Norris likes his coffee strong enough to bend a spoon!

How do you observe a flat screen?
Monitor.

Anything with raisins in it would be ten times better with chocolate chips in it instead.
For example, a box of raisins.

For the tenth year in a row, I have been voted "Most Secretive Person in the Office".

I cannot tell you how much this award means to me.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church? Let us spray.

Well if Elvis wasn’t a cannibal then explain “Love Me Tender.”.

My wife: Why don’t you stop telling terrible Dad jokes and write a book instead? Me: That’s...... a novel idea.

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed.
- She says she likes to watch herself laugh!

My parents were really poor.
On my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.

Just saw a movie about cemeteries.
It wasn’t very good .
Too many plot holes.

IF you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say "In Jesus name, Amen."

Marriage is having your spouse sit next to you & play loud videos on their phone while you’re trying to watch your favorite show.

The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when I was a sperm.

What do you say when you tickle a tiny millionaire?

Gucci Gucci Gucci.

I was scoping through a dating site when I saw this guy wearing a lampshade on his head. I quickly realized he was looking for someone to turn him on.

They've done like 8 movies, so the missions can't be that impossible.

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

I applied for a job extracting coal but I didn't have the right experience. Never mined.

"Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic."

Chuck Norris is listed before Chuck Morris in alphabetical lists.

The cook took some carrots and made some grate things.

Q's Law: No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a North Sea (oil) field, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.

Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people -- those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

Putney's Law: If the people of a democracy are allowed to do so, they will vote away the freedoms which are essential to that democracy.

Corollary: If it feels good, don't do it.

Puritan's Law: Evil is live spelled backwards.

Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.

First Rule of Public Speaking: Nice guys finish fast.

Public Relations Client Turnover Law: The minute you sign a client is the minute you start to lose him.

Proverbial Law: For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.

Project scheduling "99" rule: The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.

Professional's Law: Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.

Productivity Equation:

The productivity, P, of a group of people is: P = N x T x (.55 - .00005 x N x (N - 1) ) where N is the number of people in the group and T is the number of hours in a work period.

Laws of Procrastination:

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline).
It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time.
Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress.
Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties can be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.

Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. (also known as the How Come It All Landed On Me Law)

The Principle Concerning Multifunctional Devices: The fewer functions any device is required to perform, the more perfectly it can perform those functions.

Price's Law of Science: Scientists who dislike the restraints of highly organized research like to remark that a truly great research worker needs only three pieces of equipment -- a pencil, a piece of paper, and a brain. But they quote this maxim more often at academic banquets than at budget hearings.

Price's Law of Politics: It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.

Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: It's on the other side.

Law of Predictive Action: The second most powerful phrase in the world is "Watch this!" The most powerful phrase is "Oh yeah? Watch this!"

Powell's Law: Never tell them what you wouldn't do.

Pournelle's Law of Costs and Schedules: Everything costs more and takes longer.

Poulsen's Law: When anything is used to its full potential, it will break.

Potter's Law: The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely proportional to the subject's true value.

The Pollyanna Paradox: Every day, in every way, things get better and better; then worse again in the evening.

Politicians' Rules:

When the polls are in your favor, flaunt them.
When the polls are overwhelmingly unfavorable, either (a) ridicule and dismiss them or (b) stress the volatility of public opinion.
When the polls are slightly unfavorable, play for sympathy as a struggling underdog.
When too close to call, be surprised at your own strength.

Law of Political Erosion: Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.

Plotnick's Law: The time of departure will be delayed by the square of the number of people involved.

Axiom of the Pipe. (Trischmann's Paradox): A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to stick in his mouth.

Pike Law of Punditry: The successful pundit is provided more opportunities to say things than he has things worth saying.

Pierson's Law: If you're coasting, you're going downhill.

Phone Booth Rule: A lone dime always gets the number nearly right.

Theory of the International Society of Philosophic Engineering:

In any calculation, any error which can creep in will do so.
Any error in any calculation will be in the direction of most harm.
In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from engineering handbooks) are to be treated as variables.
The best approximation of service conditions in the laboratory will not begin to meet those conditions encountered in actual service.
The most vital dimension on any plan or drawing stands the greatest chance of being omitted.
If only one bid can be secured on any project, the price will be unreasonable.
If a test installation functions perfectly, all subsequent production units will malfunction.
All delivery promises must be multiplied by a factor of 2.0.
Major changes in construction will always be requested after fabrication is nearly completed.
Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
Interchangeable parts won't.
Manufacturer's specifications of performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.5.
Salespeople's claims for performance should be multiplied by a factor of 0.25.
Installation and Operating Instructions shipped with the device will be promptly discarded by the Receiving Department.
Any device requiring service or adjustment will be least accessible.
Service Conditions as given on specifications will be exceeded.
If more than one person is responsible for a miscalculation, no one will be at fault.
Identical units which test in an identical fashion will not behave in an identical fashion in the field.
If, in engineering practice, a safety factor is set through service experience at an ultimate value, an ingenious idiot will promptly calculate a method to exceed said safety factor.
Warranty and guarantee clauses are voided by payment of the invoice.

Phelps's Law of Retributive Statistics: An unexpectedly easy-to-handle sequence of events will be immediately followed by an equally long sequence of trouble.

Phelps's Laws of Renovation:

Any renovation project on an old house will cost twice as much and take three times as long as originally estimated.
Any plumbing pipes you choose to replace during renovation will prove to be in excellent condition; those you decide to leave in place will be rotten.

Phases of a Project:

Exultation.
Disenchantment.
Confusion.
Search for the Guilty.
Punishment of the Innocent.
Distinction for the Uninvolved.

Peterson's Law: History shows that money will multiply in volume and divide in value over the long run. Or, expressed differently, the purchasing power of currency will vary inversely with the magnitude of the public debt.

Peter's Theorem: Incompetence plus incompetence equals incompetence.

Peter's Rule for Creative Incompetence: Create the impression that you have already reached your level of incompetence.

Peter's Placebo: An ounce of image is worth a pound of performance. Peter's Prognosis: Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.

Peter's Perfect People Palliative: Each of us is a mixture of good qualities and some (perhaps) not-so-good qualities. In considering our fellow people we should remember their good qualities and realize that their faults only prove that they are, after all, human. We should refrain from making harsh judgments of people just because they happen to be dirty, rotten, no-good sons-of-bitches.