Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Skole's Rule for Antique Dealers: Never simply say, "Sorry, we don't have what you're looking for." Always say, "Too bad, I just sold one the other day."

Skinner's Constant (Flannegan's Finagling Factor): That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided into, added to, or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you should have gotten.

Sinner's Law of Retaliation: Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do.

Simon's Law: Everything put together sooner or later falls apart.

Simmon's Law: The desire for racial integration increases with the square of the distance from the actual event.

Mother Sigafoos's Observation: A man should be greater than some of his parts.

Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Law of Selective Gravity: An object will fall so as to do the most damage.

Short's Quotations:

Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche. A cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time it was undoubtedly true.
Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
Malpractice makes malperfect.
Neurosis is a communicable disease.
The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky.
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he is most likely to be creamed?
A little ignorance can go a long way.
Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it.
There is no such thing as an absolute truth -- that is absolutely true.
Understanding the laws of nature does not mean we are free from obeying them.
Entropy has us outnumbered.
The human race never solves any of its problems -- it only outlives them.
Hell hath no fury like a pacifist.

Shirley's Law: Most people deserve each other.

Shelton's Laws of Pocket Calculators:

Rechargeable batteries die at the most critical time of the most complex problem.
When a rechargeable battery starts to die in the middle of a complex calculation, and the user attempts to connect house current, the calculator will clear itself.
The final answer will exceed the magnitude or precision or both of the calculator.
There are not enough storage registers to solve the problem.
The user will forget mathematics in proportion to the complexity of the calculator.
Thermal paper will run out before the calculation is complete.

Shaw's Principle: Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

Sharkey's Fourth Law of Motion: Passengers on elevators constantly rearrange their positions as people get on and off so there is at all times an equal distance between all bodies.

Shanahan's Law: The length of a meeting rises with the square of the number of people present.

Shalit's Law: The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie.

Shaffer's Law: The effectiveness of a politician varies in inverse proportion to his commitment to principle.

Sevareid's Law: The chief cause of problems is solutions.

Laws of Serendipity:
In order to discover anything you must be looking for something.
If you wish to make an improved product, you must already be engaged in making an inferior one.

Sells's Law: The first sample is always the best.

Law of Selective Gravity (the Buttered Side Down Law): An object will fall so as to do the most damage.
Corollary (Klipstein): The most delicate component will be the one to drop.

Segal's Law: A man with one watch knows what time it is; a man with two watches is never sure.

Screwdriver Syndrome: Sometimes, where a complex problem can be illuminated by many tools, one can be forgiven for applying the one he knows best.

Scott's Second Law: When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found to have been correct in the first place.
Corollary: After the correction has been found in error, it will be impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation.

Scott's First Law: No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right.

Old Scottish Prayer: O Lord, grant that we may always be right, for Thou knowest we will never change our minds.

Schumpeter's Observation of Scientific and Nonscientific Theories: Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of appropriate additional assumptions.

Schultze's Law: If you can't measure output, then you measure input.

Schuckit's Law: All interference in human conduct has the potential for causing harm, no matter how innocuous the procedure may be.

Schmidt's Law (probably a different Schmidt): If you mess with something long enough, it'll break.

Schmidt's Law: Never eat prunes when you're hungry.

Schickel's TV Theorems:
Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously.
The only programs a grown-up can possibly stand are those intended for children. Or, more properly, those that cater to those pre-adolescent fantasies that most have never abandoned.

Schenk's First Principle of Industrial Market Economics: Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry.

Sayre's Third Law of Politics: Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, because the stakes are so low.

Saunders's Discovery: Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten.

Sattler's Law: There are 32 points to the compass, meaning that there are 32 directions in which a spoon can squirt grapefruit; yet, the juice almost invariably flies straight into the human eye.

Sattinger's Law: It works better if you plug it in.

Sam's Axioms:
Any line, however short, is still too long.
Work is the crabgrass of life, but money is the water that keeps it green.

Sadat's Reminder: Those who invented the law of supply and demand have no right to complain when this law works against their interest.

Ryan's Law: Make three correct guesses consecutively and you will establish yourself as an expert.

First Rule of Rural Mechanics: If it works, don't fix it.

Runyon's Law: The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

Runamok's Law: There are four kinds of people: those who sit quietly and do nothing, those who talk about sitting quietly and doing nothing, those who do things, and those who talk about doing things.

Rudin's Law: In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative courses of action, most people will choose the worse one possible.

(Charles) Ross's Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

(Al) Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.

Rosenstock-Huessy's Law of Technology: All technology expands the space, contracts the time, and destroys the working group.

Rosenfield's Regret: The most delicate component will be dropped.

Rosenbaum's Rule: The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Roger's Ratio: One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.

Roemer's Law: The rate of hospital admissions responds to bed availability. If we insist on installing more beds, they will tend to get filled.

Rodriguez's Observation: A consultant is someone who, when hired to find out what time it is, borrows your watch to find out.
Corollary (Martin): If you hire a consultant to read your own watch to you, you got your money's worth.

Rodovic's Rule: In any organization, the potential is much greater for the subordinate to manage his superior than for the superior to manage his subordinate.

The Three Laws of Robotics:
A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

Robertson's Law: Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Law of Road Construction: After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes -- the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.

Rigg's Hypothesis: Incompetence tends to increase with the level of work performed. And, naturally, the individual's staff needs will increase as his level of incompetence increases.

Riesman's Law: An inexorable upward movement leads administrators to higher salaries and narrower spans of control.

Riddle's Constant: There are coexisting elements in frustration phenomena which separate expected results from achieved results.

Richman's Inevitables of Parenthood:
Enough is never enough.
The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.
Birthday parties always end in tears.
Whenever you decide to take the kids home, it is always five minutes earlier that they break into fights, tears, or hysteria.

Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership:
If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible.

Fourth Law of Revision: After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn't apply to the problem.

Third Law of Revision: If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -- instead of as they were meant to be -- it is always easier to start all over.
Corollary: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.

First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after -- and only after -- the plans are complete. (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law.)
Corollary: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.

Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Law of Restaurant Acoustics: In a restaurant with seats which are close to each other, one will always find the decibel level of the nearest conversation to be inversely proportional to the quality of the thought going into it.

Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Fundamental Tenet of Reform: Reforms come from below. No man with four aces howls for a new deal.

Rayburn's Rule: If you want to get along, go along.

Rather's Rule: In dealing with the press do yourself a favor. Stick with one of three responses: (a) I know and I can tell you, (b) I know and I can't tell you, or (c) I don't know.

Law of Raspberry Jam: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.

Raskin's Zero Law: The more zeros found in the price tag for a government program, the less Congressional scrutiny it will receive.

Rapoport's Rule of the Roller-Skate Key: Certain items which are crucial to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularity until the day when that activity is planned, at which point the item in question will disappear from the face of the earth.

Rangnekar's Modified Rules Concerning Decisions:
If you must make a decision, delay it.
If you can authorize someone else to avoid a decision, do so.
If you can form a committee, have them avoid the decision.
If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.

Randolph's Cardinal Principle of Statecraft: Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Rakove's Laws of Politics:
The amount of effort put into a campaign by a worker expands in proportion to the personal benefits that he will derive from his party's victory.
The citizen is influenced by principle in direct proportion to his distance from the political situation.

After he invented the light bulb, people saw Edison in a new light.

How do you spell candy with 2 letters?

C and Y...