Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

(Charles) Ross's Law: Never characterize the importance of a statement in advance.

(Al) Ross's Law: Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark.

Rosenstock-Huessy's Law of Technology: All technology expands the space, contracts the time, and destroys the working group.

Rosenfield's Regret: The most delicate component will be dropped.

Rosenbaum's Rule: The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Roger's Ratio: One-third of the people in the United States promote, while the other two-thirds provide.

Roemer's Law: The rate of hospital admissions responds to bed availability. If we insist on installing more beds, they will tend to get filled.

Rodriguez's Observation: A consultant is someone who, when hired to find out what time it is, borrows your watch to find out.
Corollary (Martin): If you hire a consultant to read your own watch to you, you got your money's worth.

Rodovic's Rule: In any organization, the potential is much greater for the subordinate to manage his superior than for the superior to manage his subordinate.

The Three Laws of Robotics:
A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
A robot must obey the orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

Robertson's Law: Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between.

Law of Road Construction: After large expenditures of federal, state, and county funds; after much confusion generated by detours and road blocks; after greatly annoying the surrounding population with noise, dust, and fumes -- the previously existing traffic jam is relocated by one-half mile.

Rigg's Hypothesis: Incompetence tends to increase with the level of work performed. And, naturally, the individual's staff needs will increase as his level of incompetence increases.

Riesman's Law: An inexorable upward movement leads administrators to higher salaries and narrower spans of control.

Riddle's Constant: There are coexisting elements in frustration phenomena which separate expected results from achieved results.

Richman's Inevitables of Parenthood:
Enough is never enough.
The sun always rises in the baby's bedroom window.
Birthday parties always end in tears.
Whenever you decide to take the kids home, it is always five minutes earlier that they break into fights, tears, or hysteria.

Richard's Complementary Rules of Ownership:
If you keep anything long enough you can throw it away.
If you throw anything away, you will need it as soon as it is no longer accessible.

Fourth Law of Revision: After painstaking and careful analysis of a sample, you are always told that it is the wrong sample and doesn't apply to the problem.

Third Law of Revision: If, when completion of a design is imminent, field dimensions are finally supplied as they actually are -- instead of as they were meant to be -- it is always easier to start all over.
Corollary: It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you.

Second Law of Revision: The more innocuous the modification appears to be, the further its influence will extend and the more plans will have to be redrawn.

First Law of Revision: Information necessitating a change of design will be conveyed to the designer after -- and only after -- the plans are complete. (Often called the "Now they tell us!" Law.)
Corollary: In simple cases, presenting one obvious right way versus one obvious wrong way, it is often wiser to choose the wrong way, so as to expedite subsequent revision.

Law of Revelation: The hidden flaw never remains hidden.

Law of Restaurant Acoustics: In a restaurant with seats which are close to each other, one will always find the decibel level of the nearest conversation to be inversely proportional to the quality of the thought going into it.

Law of Research: Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Law of Reruns: If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode.

Fundamental Tenet of Reform: Reforms come from below. No man with four aces howls for a new deal.

Rayburn's Rule: If you want to get along, go along.

Rather's Rule: In dealing with the press do yourself a favor. Stick with one of three responses: (a) I know and I can tell you, (b) I know and I can't tell you, or (c) I don't know.

Law of Raspberry Jam: The wider any culture is spread, the thinner it gets.

Raskin's Zero Law: The more zeros found in the price tag for a government program, the less Congressional scrutiny it will receive.

Rapoport's Rule of the Roller-Skate Key: Certain items which are crucial to a given activity will show up with uncommon regularity until the day when that activity is planned, at which point the item in question will disappear from the face of the earth.

Rangnekar's Modified Rules Concerning Decisions:
If you must make a decision, delay it.
If you can authorize someone else to avoid a decision, do so.
If you can form a committee, have them avoid the decision.
If you can otherwise avoid a decision, avoid it immediately.

Randolph's Cardinal Principle of Statecraft: Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

Ralph's Observation: It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are in a hurry.

Rakove's Laws of Politics:
The amount of effort put into a campaign by a worker expands in proportion to the personal benefits that he will derive from his party's victory.
The citizen is influenced by principle in direct proportion to his distance from the political situation.

After he invented the light bulb, people saw Edison in a new light.

How do you spell candy with 2 letters?

C and Y...

Why did the TV
hate his holiday.
Because he went
somewhere remote.

My old English teacher used to fail us just for not using the active voice. He was very passive aggressive.

I was kicked out of the circle of life for being a square.

If something bad happens, and nobody's there to experience it, are we still supposed to feel bad?

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house.

The door guy showed up late...

but he really knew how to make an entrance.

They asked me if I had my flu shot.

I'm not sure I even know where my flu even IS!

I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies.

My mate who has a stutter, was telling us about his Nana.

By the time he finished, we were all singing Hey Jude.

Секс по телефону:
- Парень, тебе точно больше 18-ти?
- Да, тетенька...

Chuck Norris likes his coffee strong enough to bend a spoon!

How do you observe a flat screen?
Monitor.

Anything with raisins in it would be ten times better with chocolate chips in it instead.
For example, a box of raisins.

For the tenth year in a row, I have been voted "Most Secretive Person in the Office".

I cannot tell you how much this award means to me.

What do priests say to get rid of insects in the church? Let us spray.

Well if Elvis wasn’t a cannibal then explain “Love Me Tender.”.

My wife: Why don’t you stop telling terrible Dad jokes and write a book instead? Me: That’s...... a novel idea.

My sex life is terrible. My wife put a mirror over our bed.
- She says she likes to watch herself laugh!

My parents were really poor.
On my 12th birthday they put half a cake with six candles up against a mirror.

Just saw a movie about cemeteries.
It wasn’t very good .
Too many plot holes.

IF you ever get caught sleeping on the job, slowly raise your head and say "In Jesus name, Amen."

Marriage is having your spouse sit next to you & play loud videos on their phone while you’re trying to watch your favorite show.

The last time I was involved in sexual intercourse was when I was a sperm.

What do you say when you tickle a tiny millionaire?

Gucci Gucci Gucci.

I was scoping through a dating site when I saw this guy wearing a lampshade on his head. I quickly realized he was looking for someone to turn him on.

They've done like 8 movies, so the missions can't be that impossible.

Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

I applied for a job extracting coal but I didn't have the right experience. Never mined.

"Hope is independent of the apparatus of logic."

Chuck Norris is listed before Chuck Morris in alphabetical lists.

The cook took some carrots and made some grate things.

Q's Law: No matter what stage of completion one reaches in a North Sea (oil) field, the cost of the remainder of the project remains the same.

Putt's Law: Technology is dominated by two types of people -- those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.

Putney's Law: If the people of a democracy are allowed to do so, they will vote away the freedoms which are essential to that democracy.

Corollary: If it feels good, don't do it.

Puritan's Law: Evil is live spelled backwards.

Pudder's Law: Anything that begins well ends badly. Anything that begins badly ends worse.

First Rule of Public Speaking: Nice guys finish fast.

Public Relations Client Turnover Law: The minute you sign a client is the minute you start to lose him.

Proverbial Law: For every proverb that so confidently asserts its little bit of wisdom, there is usually an equal and opposite proverb that contradicts it.

Project scheduling "99" rule: The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the time. The last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent.

Professional's Law: Doctors, dentists, and lawyers are only on time for appointments when you're not.

Productivity Equation:

The productivity, P, of a group of people is: P = N x T x (.55 - .00005 x N x (N - 1) ) where N is the number of people in the group and T is the number of hours in a work period.

Laws of Procrastination:

Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (the authority who imposed the deadline).
It reduces anxiety by reducing the expected quality of the project from the best of all possible efforts to the best that can be expected given the limited time.
Status is gained in the eyes of others, and in one's own eyes, because it is assumed that the importance of the work justifies the stress.
Avoidance of interruptions including the assignment of other duties can be achieved, so that the obviously stressed worker can concentrate on the single effort.
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that there is nothing important to do.
It may eliminate the job if the need passes before the job can be done.