Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

“Eh, that realtor doesn’t look so strong. I bet I can take him in a fight!”
“Are you crazy? That guy says he flips houses in his spare time!”

Which Star Wars character would make the best realtor?
Lando Calrissian.

Q:What’s the difference between a Realtor and a Mortgage Broker?
A:The Mortgage Broker knows he’s boring.

When I went to the hospital and they had me put on that “gown.”
I knew that the end was in sight.

Real estate agents need to laugh at their problems. Everybody else does.

Agent: “This house is great, but it’s really for the cats.”

Buyer: “What do you mean?”

Agent: “It will take you nine lives to pay off the mortgage.”

Hey, girl, are you a mortgage? Because you’ve got my interest!

There's a light in a woman's eyes that speaks louder than words.
• Arthur Conan Doyle, The Hound of the Baskervilles

- Фима, скажи, вот ты веришь в светлое будущее?
- Только в нефильтрованное...

Every week someone sneaks into my home and steals some of my fruit..
I don't know how but they've done it again today!
Once again, I'm absolutely peachless...

Fishing License is so stupid, you can't even drive a fish.

Diet books are always best sellers,
because they appeal to a wider audience!

If you love something, let it go... and that's EXACTLY what I've done with my body.

My girlfriend said I was un-American.
I saw that coming from a kilometer away.

Вместе с рыбными обозами исчезли и Ломоносовы.

I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.

What do you eat when you're cold and angry?
A Brrgrr.

9 months really isn't that long...

It just feels like a maternity.

When ever my mate gets angry he goes up to his loft and plays his bongos.
It's a little drum attic.

It doesnt matter if you dont know what prefix means, its not the end of the word.

My vascular surgeon passed away.
At least he didn't die in vein.

Real estate agents pay Chuck Norris to not buy a house.

Don't blame online shopping,u also don't look exactly like ur profile pic.

My favorite sex position is crying alone in the bathroom.

I'm a good person, just not a good person to split a bottle of Rum with if you're a slow drinker...

My wife asked me to get rid of my Meatloaf record collection, I told her "I'll do anything for love but I won't do that"!

Two unbiased estimators are sitting in a bar, having a few beers. The first one says, "How do you like being married?" The second one says, "It's okay, but you lose a degree of freedom!"
(statistics fun)

Old statisticians never die, they just become nonsignificant.

I’m not an outlier; I just haven’t found my distribution yet!
(statistics fun)

The Statistics professor's failing students found it difficult to live within his means.

Don't become a novelist; be a statistician, much more scope for the imagination.

What did the z distribution say to the t distribution?
You may look like me but you're not normal.
(statistics fun)

Q: Did you hear about the statistician who was thrown in jail?
A: He now has zero degrees of freedom.

Logic is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with confidence. Statistics is a systematic method for getting the wrong conclusion with 95 percent confidence.

Statistics show that those who celebrate more birthdays live longer.

Statistics is the art of never having to say you're wrong.

Statistics are like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
- Aaron Levenstein

To be a statistican is great! You never have to be "absolutely sure" of anything... being "reasonably certain" is enough! -
Pavel E. Guarisma

In God we trust. All others must bring data.
- Robert Hayden

A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

A statistican is a man who comes to the rescue of figures that cannot lie for themselves.

Q: What has 4 letters, sometimes has 9 letters and occasionally has 12 letters?
A: The mailman.

My neighbor just introduced his wife to me as his better half. I returned the courtesy by introducing my wife as the lesser of two evils.

Be Alert....
The World needs more Lerts.

Yesterday I told a friend a joke about the speed of a cruise ship. His reply: “That’s knot funny!”

Just joined a fisting club, I'm not into fisting but want to widen the circle of my friends.

What did one bee say to the other when they landed on the same flower? “Buzz off.”

My wife told me to get rid of my Hall & Oates collection.

I told her I can't go for that.

Towels can’t tell jokes, they have a dry sense of humor.

Treat people like outliers. If they are too far from you, delete them.

Me: "I like to talk to myself. "
Me: "Me too. "
Me: "Haha! You're so funny! "

People keep bugging me to make a joke about mobile phones. I think that is very CELL-FISH of them.

I used to practice Black Magic.
.
I got fed up with the sacrifices I was making.

If 2 ppl open a marijuana business will it be a joint effort?

Someone messaged me "HBD HBD HBD!" on my birthday.
So I messaged him "HA HA HA!" on his wedding anniversary.

I was watching TV and an ad for a new wireless bra came on. I didn't know they were electric.

Just had my solar panels stolen.

Daylight robbery.

You could be perfectly genetically built for a sport that doesn't exist.

I was a man stuck in a woman's body.
Then I was born.

I finally replaced my broken window.
What a pane that was.

Секс — это всего лишь прикрытие, чтобы женщина могла нормально поорать.

Do you know how Scottish men find sheep in a tall field ? Very satisfying.

Teach a man to fish and he eats for a lifetime. Give a man a fish and he says. "What the fuck are you handing me a dead fish for?"

I'm looking for a man with a nice six-pack. He'll get bonus points if he brings pizza too.

I just found the middle of nowhere.
It's the letter 'h'.

Proctologist …. The only job where you start at the bottom …. and stay there.

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Been there, done that... then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

В израильских компьютерах материнская плата не даст работать пока пользователь не покушал.

I've never understood why people hold "brief" meetings. Why would you want to have a meeting in your underwear?

I don't enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

- Как ты можешь утверждать, что перфекционист, если у тебя дома такой срач?!
- Это идеальный срач.

В ПЛАТНОЙ ПСИХБОЛЬНИЦЕ ВРАЧ ЛЕЧИЛ СУМАСШЕДШИХ
ЗА БЕШЕНЫЕ ДЕНЬГИ.

A child reported that when the fireman came down the ladder, he was pregnant.
He was carrying a baby.

So there's a new record holder for the world's biggest egg.
7.4 kilos!
That'll take some beating.

My doctor keeps telling me I have a problem with my earring... but I don't even have my ear pierced.

The cop grilled the cheese but no matter how you slice it the cheese wasn't talking.

The City’s Office of Permits
will be holding its June party outdoors, weather permitting.

Chuck Norris once parallel parked a train.

Bruce Lee had a cousin that loved avocado named Gaucamo Lee.