Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.

Been there, done that... then, been there several more times, because apparently I never learn.

В израильских компьютерах материнская плата не даст работать пока пользователь не покушал.

I've never understood why people hold "brief" meetings. Why would you want to have a meeting in your underwear?

I don't enjoy computer jokes. Not one bit.

- Как ты можешь утверждать, что перфекционист, если у тебя дома такой срач?!
- Это идеальный срач.

В ПЛАТНОЙ ПСИХБОЛЬНИЦЕ ВРАЧ ЛЕЧИЛ СУМАСШЕДШИХ
ЗА БЕШЕНЫЕ ДЕНЬГИ.

A child reported that when the fireman came down the ladder, he was pregnant.
He was carrying a baby.

So there's a new record holder for the world's biggest egg.
7.4 kilos!
That'll take some beating.

My doctor keeps telling me I have a problem with my earring... but I don't even have my ear pierced.

The cop grilled the cheese but no matter how you slice it the cheese wasn't talking.

The City’s Office of Permits
will be holding its June party outdoors, weather permitting.

Chuck Norris once parallel parked a train.

Bruce Lee had a cousin that loved avocado named Gaucamo Lee.

A leaf blower salesman tells a vacuum salesman, “Your job sucks.” The vacuum salesman promptly replies, “Well your job blows.”

"It is the final proof of God's omnipotence that he need not exist in order to save us."

- Peter De Vries

I am a pretty amazing ventriloquist.

Even if I say so myself.

So this fella came up behind me, pushed a large key into my back and started turning it.

I said to him "Are you trying to wind me up?

I went to a pastor and asked him to pray for my “hearing.”
The pastor put his hands on my ears and prayed.
“How’s that” asked the pastor?
“I don’t know” I said.
“The “hearing” isn’t until next
Tuesday.”

I’ve been told that “icy” is the easiest word in the world to spell. Now that I look at it, I see why.

A Roman centurion kidnapped a member of a tribe of barbarians and offered to trade him for a Roman prisoner. The barbarian chief said, I can't believe you have the Gaul to do that!!

Weather or not I like meteorology is none of your business. Just don’t rain on my parade!

The bartender wondered how I got to the bar. I told him it was my mother-in-law.
She’s the one that drives me to drink.

A man walked into an auto parts store and asked, “Do you have universal joints?”
The clerk said, “No, but I can wiggle my ears!”

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings, one by one, as each relative goes home.

Q: What are turkeys thankful for on Thanksgiving?
A: Vegans.

Q: What do jazz-lovers put on their potatoes at Thanksgiving?
A: Groovy.

“Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: Watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car."
— Stephen Colbert

Q: What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?
A: Lucky.

This morning, my wife said she wanted me to help fix Thanksgiving dinner.
I said, “Why? Is it broken?”

“A new survey found that 80 percent of men claim they help cook Thanksgiving dinner. Which makes sense, when you hear they consider saying 'that smells good' to be helping.”
— Jimmy Fallon

Q: What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for one day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

So this guy checks into rehab the day after Thanksgiving. As it turns out, he just couldn’t quit cold turkey.

I shot my first-ever turkey for Thanksgiving this year. Sure scared everyone in the grocery store, though.

"My family told me to stop telling Thanksgiving jokes, but I said I couldn't quit cold turkey."

Wives are like Thanksgiving turkeys …
They eventually get fat and then stop gobbling.

- Моня, помнишь, до революции в Елисеевском, у входа стояли две бочки с икрой, одна с чёрной, другая с красной?…
- Помню, ещё бы!
- Как думаешь, кому они могли помешать?..

Учимся готовить суп с фрикадельками. Для начала очистим пельмени от кожуры...

The ophthalmologist was called to testify because he was the only eye witness.

Sadly, my pet duck, died, and I told the vet to organise cremation. Things got worse when the vet sent me the bill.

Tired of these Bruce Lee jokes.. Real Lee ...

How long does pregnancy last?
For a period of time

If I owned a copy shop, I’d only hire identical twins to work there.

Why are communists so generous? They’re all about Lenin a hand.

What do monkeys drink at parties? Chimpagne.

I got a bite the first time I went fishing. I panicked and phoned the Fisherman's Advice Bureau to see what I should do...
"Please hold the line" they said!

I just bought a crappy car that was made in Prague.

The Czech engine light keeps coming on.

I just got a new shovel for my birthday,I really dig it.

Why can’t communists be trusted? They’re always Stalin stuff.

My dentist recently bought a boat. Now he’s a floating doc(k).

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
'How was he killed?' asked one detective..
'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.
'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'
'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

I wish "You idiot" was an appropriate way to end a work email.

Playing billiards... The only instance, where scratching your balls in public is not frowned upon.

I'm proud to announce that I'm still the undefeated champion at racing with drivers who don't know we're racing.

If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never aging is wearing the same clothes every day.

Why can’t detectives relax at seafood restaurants?
- Because everything smells fishy!

Pro tip: Show your prospective employer that you’re good at delegating responsibility by sending someone else to your job interview.

My wife wanted to disgrace me in front of her parents that I'm not good in sex.
But her sister shouted
" It's A Lie ".

I was fired from my job at the tea factory. They said I was taking too many leaves.

Times are hard for everyone but I’ve got a friend who's a dwarf and he's struggling to put food on the table.

Think I might have monkey pox I’m craving bananas and just shot a turd at a waitress.

I want to loose weight but weight doesn't wanna loose me.

A friend couldn’t tie his shoelaces, so I’ve sent him to boot camp.

В странах, где запрещён алкоголь, все помнят свой первый сексуальный опыт.

A man telling a cockroach,
" My penis is a hundred times longer than yours".
The cockroach said,
" Yet, I make your wife scream louder than you do".

No pain no gain, more pain still no gain.

Doctor said that i have 2 months to live,so I killed the doctor. Now the judge gave me 20 years of life in prison.

I've just joined a procrastinators support group.

It's called Wait Watchers.

Пока не запретили собирать подорожник, мы все имеем право на бесплатную медицину.

Went to a garage sale, started measuring the garage to see if it would fit with my new yard.

Why do bees buzz?
Because they can’t whistle.

Учительница:
- Прекрасно, Вовочка, домашнее задание выполнено без ошибок. А ты уверен, что твоему папе никто не помогал!?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless ?

A man arrested for a pot plant at the plant that he worked claimed it was planted!

Was sleeping at my girlfriend’s house last night.
Her dad wouldn’t let us sleep in the same bed.
that really upset me because he’s actually really handsome!

I never found a problem I can't make worse.

Мы девушки недающие, но подающие надежды.

Тренер по спортивному ориентированию на местности,
оказался нетрадиционной ориентации!

Wife: You never listen to what I say.
Me : Thanks dear, on the rocks and some snacks please.

Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I'm not sure what it means.