Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Why do sailors eat so many carrots?
It helps them sea better.

Where do sailors go when they feel sick?

The dock-tor.

Why are sailors so indecisive?

Because they’re always far from shore.

When does a dog become a sailor?

When he embarks.

Why do sailors eat shellfish when rain is forecast?

It’s the clam before the storm.

What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?

Leeks.

I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.

He was in the wrong craft.

What happens if you throw a Finnish sailor overboard?
Helsinki.

This is the first dirty joke I heard about 50yrs ago.
"A pig fell in the mud".

- Понимаешь, я просто ненавижу людей, которые выглядят лучше меня.
- То есть, ты ненавидишь почти всех людей?
- Ну, в общем, да - но, например, ты мне нравишься.
- Сволочь.

The reason why it is called a bear in the stock market is because we can't bear to lose all that money.

Sorry I'm late, traffic is exactly how it's been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.

The bible says you can't buy your way into heaven but there isn't a church in the country that won't encourage you to try.

Your family tree must look like a cactus... everybody on it is a prick.

What do you do when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie talkie.

Can Napoleon return to his place of birth? Of Corsican.

- Борик, ты после женитьбы так похудел и осунулся! Она шо тебя таки совсем не кормит?!
- Мама, свадьба была только вчера…

I hate it when my wife keeps telling me that I don’t get it. I mean, what does it even mean?

—¿Cuánto hace que no sales por ahí?
—Eres el astronauta más tonto que conozco.

Hugo asked me if I’d seen the movie ‘Tractor’. I replied, “No, but I’ve seen the trailer”

—¿Te vienes a un glory hole?
—¿Por fuera o por dentro?

The students in my geography class never seem to remember where São Paulo is.
I have told them a brazillion times.

Don't let anyone hurt you twice.

My wife asked, "Do you know any tennis puns?"
I said "No, they're not really my forte love!"

The ancient Greeks buried the dead with coins to pay for transport across the River Styx . This was the first cryptocurrency .

No one has said a word about Bruce Lee’s mom, Apparent Lee.

What would bears be without bees? Just ears.

What do the Starship Enterprise and toilet paper have in common?
They both circle Uranus wiping out Clingons.

- Ах, Абрам! Даже не знаю, как выразить вам свою благодарность!
- Дорогой мой! С тех пор, как человечество изобрело деньги - это перестало быть проблемой.

I'm starting a business to teach short people math.
It's called, "Making the little things count."

Волшебник отличается от сказочника убедительным материальным превосходством.

At my funeral, I’d like a friend to take my cell phone and text everyone,
“Thanks so much for coming!”

I've had it with Bruce Lee jokes. Complete Lee.

"If it's yellow, let it mellow. If it's brown, flush it down." - Walt Twitman

Гуманитарии женятся по любви, потому что по расчету им сложно. По расчету математики. Юристы по договору.

How did the witch invite the wizard to take an evening ride on her broomstick?
Voodoo like to ride with me.

If you currently have a voodoo doll of me
Please scratch its balls for me, I'm at a meeting and it's really uncomfortable. Thanks.

I went to a voodoo prostitute last night.
Didn't manage to get laid but got a little head...

Things always have a way of going badly for me.
I tried to use pins on a voodoo doll that looks like my mother in law and I ended up curing her arthritis with acupuncture.

To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I'm in public. Thanks.

My buddy said he made a voodoo doll of me.
I think he's pulling my leg.

Once I forgot to bring my ventriloquist dummy to a show and I had use a voodoo doll of myself.
It was a pain in the hole.

To whoever has my voodoo doll,
please hold its hand.

I stuck pins in a voodoo doll of my arch enemy.
I managed to cure his backache and help him quit smoking.

В недрах Тундры выдры в гетрах тырят в ведра ядра кедров. Выдрав с выдры в Тундре гетры, вытру выдрой ядра кедра, вытру гетрой выдре морду - ядра в вёдра, выдру в Тундру.

—Nadie es imprescindible.
—No puedo empezar la boda sin la novia, lo siento.
—Sé poner voces.
—QUE NO.

I saw this really cute girl at the bank. But she was flirting with some other guy. Really lowered my interest rate.

What do they call pastors in Berlin?

German Shepherds.

Why did the bee got married ?
Coz it found it's honey.

My dog ran into a pine tree, now he’s wearing a cone!

-Cariño, he perdido dos kilos.
-No te olvides de lavarte.

I love lending my car to people, now people call me calendar.

My business creating men’s shirts out of vegetables has gone bankrupt. There just weren’t enough guys wanting crop tops.

An arctic survey is called the north poll.

I have a pet manatee named Hugh. I built him a house. It's a habitat for Hugh manatee.

Did you hear about the guy who changed his name to Authorized Personnel?
It opened a lot of doors for him.

Well, it was funny until you got mad.

Now it’s hilarious!

I have always licked my knife when I've finished. This gets some very shocked looks from the other surgeons.

I like to bowl, but all he's interested in is spooning;
knive given up! Pass
the cereal please!

Chuck Norris would make socialism work everywhere he tried it.

What is a cannibal's favorite soup?

Raw Men.

I may look normal but I unfollow celebrities when they don't follow back.

My uncle was a firefighter. He just retired after an extinguished career.

Long is shorter than short.
Short is longer than long.
What the . . .

I saw an ad touting "less time traveling" as a benefit of online banking.
I don't think I can time travel any less than I do now.

Everyone in my entire family is a Gemini. The chances of that happening are astrological.

Invisible man seeks transparent woman to do things never seen before...

BAR & BRA
Same letters
Different words
But Both Keep Men Eagerly Waiting Till They Open.

I took my dog to the park today and played Frisbee with him...
He was useless. I think I need a flatter dog.

Yesterday evening I had to change a lightbulb, a bit later on I crossed the road. Then I walked into a bar..

My life is a joke.

My niece calls me Ankle. I call her my Knees. That's how we go out on a limb in my family.

How can you tell if rabbits are getting old? You find grey hares.

Самое сложное было добиться графу Шереметеву от актёров крепостного театра,
чтобы артисты крепостного театра раскрепостились!

I regret buying that straitjacket now... I thought it would look good on me but I just couldn't pull it off.

So a vehicle full of photography equipment has crashed.

Police say the driver lost focus.

I may be a problem, but if
you're LUCKY, I could be your problem.

Зачем мне искать половинку, чтобы меня было полтора?

Most people know of the Greek Goddess of Love, Aphrodite. Less well known is her older, more practical sister, the Goddess of Getting Things Done, Expedite.

My dog is named Curiosity. I no longer have a cat.

If you can't make yourself happy,
make others sad and angry.