Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Me: “What’s the difference between a violin and a fiddle?”
My fiddle playing cousin: “A six pack of beer.”

She : Your grammar's pathetic.

Me : Oh yeah? Well, your grandpa's no better either.

I pulled my hair into a ponytail today, but the pony kicked me and galloped away.

The number 7 is undereighted.

They say you should always eat before going to the grocery store, so you don't spend as much. That doesn't work with a liquor store.

It took me years to realize that when someone says "hold your horses" they're telling me to be stable.

Boobs are the happy place for a sad face.
-Unknown.

I can't speak for anyone else, but discussions about gravity really weigh me down.

I wasn't too happy that my doctor told me to cut down on my constant dancing, so I just grabbed my coat, and waltzed right out of there.

The postman left me a note to say my package was too large.
My wife disagrees.

A pot watched by Chuck Norris boils immediately.

'm such an introvert that if I ever have to draw attention I draw it on paper.

I was named Chief Speaker at the Society of Introverts.
Thank God no-one showed up.

Did you hear about the golf club for introverts?
They had to close within the first year because nobody showed up.

Why did the introvert cross the road?
Fuck you leave me alone.

As an introvert I don't get the phrase "go big or go home"
Why the hell would I want to go big when i'm allowed to go home and be alone.

Why did the introvert polish his shoes regularly?
So he could look at others' faces.

Why didn't the two introverts go camping?
Because it's two fucking in tents.

What do Introverts do when they mess up a joke?
Introvise .

How do you pump up a room full of shy introverts?
"LETS GET READY TO MUMBLE!!!"

What'd I say to my introvert friends who were jerking off alone in separate rooms?
"C'mon, pull yourselves together!"

Q: How much does the average introvert weigh?
A: Not enough to break the ice.

The First Rule of Introvert Club is...
Don’t speak.

I'm in a band called The Introverted Pessimists.
You've probably never heard of us, but that's fine.

Introverts Rise Up!
Separately, in your own homes!

You think you are introverted?
Wait until you never meet me.

An introvert walks into a bar...
My bad, I was thinking of someone else. The introvert stayed at home.

I know an introverted entrepreneur in the coal industry.
He mined his own business.

Why did the introverted mushroom decide to go to more parties?
Because everyone told him he was a fungi.

A vegan and an introvert walk into a room which one tells you what they are first?
None; the person who hasn't watched "a single episode of Game of Thrones" beat them to it.

If half the population really are introverts...... why haven't I met any?

Here's an idea you can use to get some time alone as an introvert.
Just cough once and tell them how amazing the china trip was.

Q: How to spot an introvert in a crowd ?
A: Please don't.

An introvert walks into a bar...
Then immediately walks out because fuck that shit.

I'm such an introvert that I keep a gun next to my bed to shoot myself when a thief enters my house just because I don't wanna go with the process of meeting him.

Research done on introvertsmrevealed nothing.

Погода оставляла желать лучшего. Оставляла, оставляла, но так и не оставила.

Sex for introverts is another opportunity to go inside.

AIN’T NO PARTY LIKE AN INTROVERT PARTY, CUZ AN INTROVERT PARTY...
Don’t start.

Q: How do you kill an introvert?
A: Starve him to death by putting another person in the kitchen.

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?
Why must it be a group activity?

What's the difference between introverted and extroverted engineers?
The extroverted engineer looks at *your* shoes...

So I went to the doctors this morning...
I said to the receptionist: "I need to see a doctor because I've had a voodoo curse put on me".
"Which doctor?" she asked.
"Yes, he will do.", I said.

Have you met Post Malone's introvert brother?
Leave M'Alone.

How do you know someone is an introvert?
They won't shut the fuck up about it.

Q: Why did an introvert become an astronaut?
A: He needed his space.

So an introvert goes into a bank and decides they need some money. Hesitantly, they walk to the counter. After the teller greets them they immediately respond with, "Hi, can you leave me a loan?"

Q: What is a group of introverts called?
A: An oxymoron!

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.
So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

Back in Soviet Russia, little Misha is being read to by his babysitter. She reads: 'In the USSR, kindegardens are filled with wonderful toys.'
Misha listens with bright eyes.
'In the USSR, every child has a brand new bicycle.'
Little Misha opens his eyes even wider.
'In the USSR, every child drinks hot cocoa for breakfast.'
Little Misha starts crying his eyes out, bawling:
'I want to go to the USSR!'

What's the difference between a man and a child?
The child can be left alone with the babysitter.

"Mommy, can we humans suck the light?"
"Of course not, silly!"
"Then why daddy told my babysitter yesterday: "Turn the light off and suck it"?"

A young boy is bathing with his mother
Boy says, “Whats that hairy thing mom?”
Mom replies, “That is my sponge.”
“Oh yes,” says the boy, “The babysitters got one, I’ve seen her washing dads face with it.”

Fun idea:
Not got kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep upstairs and not to be woken. On your return ask where your child is.

From this babysitter website , I selected this gorgeous 19 yr old Swedish exchange student who has an amazing rack to watch over my kid tonight .
Does anyone have a baby or a toddler to spare for a few hours ?

Looking for a flexible babysitter.
My girlfriend only does missionary.

How did the babysitter lose 500 kids and keep her job?
She swallowed.

I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.
Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

You can't even be a babysitter these days without someone getting offended.
And calling you a "home intruder".

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant babysitter?
Can’t unscrew the babysitter.

The babysitter didn't realize I was secretly taping her until I put the last piece over her mouth.

I asked my babysitter from 15 years ago if she remembered how hard it was to get me in bed.
I told her it that it would be much easyier now.

A man tells his friends that his 5 year old son is a douche because he made the babysitter pregnant!
Ask how?
He punctured all my сondoms with a pin.

When i was little i wanted to be a babysitter
but then i got a baby sister.

If the babysitter is present when your child takes their first steps...
...they are automatically promoted to babystander.

My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, 'Take as long as you like.'

That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.

When a woman asks you to guess her age, it's like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.

Fun Fact: The word 'bed' looks like an actual bed.

Wife: I'm pregnant.
Dad: Hi pregnant, I’m dad.
Wife: No, you’re not.

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"

All work and no pay makes a housewife.

What do you call a slutty housewife?
A dirty dishwasher.

The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.
'Excuse me for disturbing you, ma'am,' he said politely, ' but I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I've noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread!' 'That's right.' 'Every day you wallop him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were hitting him with a chocolate cake....?' 'Well, today is his birthday!'

A bus full of housewives going on a picnic ,fell into a river ,all died .
Each husband cried for a week ,one husband continued for more than two weeks !!!
When asked that did he miss his wife so much ?
he replied miserably :
No. My wife missed the bus !!!

My housewife wanted to go back to college.
At first I was skeptical, but eventually I agreed to a degree.

A middle-aged housewife decides to donate her old clothes to charity
Wife: "I've gathered up some old clothes and I need you to drop them off at the church charity."

Husband: *Groaning* " Why not just throw them out? It's easier that way."

Wife: "Because there are people out there who are poor and starving that need these clothes."

Husband: "Darling, anyone who fits into your clothes is not starving."

A plumber is fixing some water pipes in the kitchen when suddenly the housewife comes in.
-Beware of my husband, he is gonna be home in an hour!
The plumber make eye contact with the lady in the kitchen door and asks.
-Why, I have done nothing inappropriate?
She quickly replies.
-That's why I'm telling you we still have an hour!

A housewife comes running from the kitchen and grabs her husband
"We have to make love right this moment," she declares, pulling his clothes off.

Not one to waste an opportunity, the man stands at attention and gets to work.

After the deed is done, the man says, "That was pretty good. But why all of a sudden?."

"Oh," the wife replies, "my egg timer is broken."

An angry housewife met her husband at the front door and immediately noticed he smelled of alcohol and perfume.

"I assume," she said with her most acidic sarcasm, "That there must be a very good reason for your coming home at six o'clock in the morning with booze on your breath and another woman's perfume all over you."

"There is," he said. "I'd like breakfast."

So a housewife is preparing thanksgiving dinner when her husband comes in, and she asks, "are you hungry, dear?"
And the turkey answers, "no, I'm stuffed."