Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

You know what's the difference between a housewife and a politician?
The housewife thinks about doing her taxes while having sex.
The politician thinks about having sex while spending your taxes.

What's the difference between a hooker, a lover and a housewife?
A hooker says "Faster! faster!"
A lover says "Slower....slooower..."
A housewife says "Beige. I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."

Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some action!"
I've sent her my washing, that should keep her busy.

My girlfriend told me there is no way you can turn a hoe into a housewife.
I said "Yes you can".
She said "How"?
I proposed.

Q: What do a handgrenade and a housewife have in common?
A: Once you pull the ring your house is gone.

- Что случилось?…
- Рубаха в жопу засучилась…

I rented some heavy lifting equipment in Kiev
from a company called You Crane.

I rented a prostitute for $60 an hour.
I paid her 50 cents.

Have you heard about the guy who rents space on the beach for people to masturbate into the ocean?
Customers have been coming in waves.

The game monopoly is fin, but has some major out of date stuff.
There’s free parking, a luxury tax, you can actually afford to pay rent, and rich people can actually go to jail.

I got evicted from the womb at birth.
I guess that makes sense because I wasn’t paying rent.

Rent a man a helicopter, he will fly for a day.
Throw him off the flying helicopter and he will fly for the rest of his life ...

Landlord tells blonde she has to suck his dick to pay rent.
She blows him, swallows, and says, "Now can I pay rent?"

What do you call it when mozzarella, cheddar, and parmesan rent a little beach house together?
Cottage cheese.

What does a pirate call renting cheap accomodation?
Arr'Bnb.

My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.
He is a leaser of two evils.

I am getting so sick of millennials and their attitude.
Always walkin around like they rent the place.

I have a guy named Lou who rents from me
I call him Loutenant.

A Soldier I was renting a house to did a runner
And owes me 6 months rent. He said he was a General but I've since discovered he is a Left Tenant.

I complained to my local video rental store because they only have one movie to rent.
They said, take IT or leave IT.

Arthur and Lancelot went to the inn and rented a room for 2 knights.
Arthur slept in a king sized bed, Lancelot took the queen.

What do you call a fetus that pays rent?
A womb-mate.

I pay my rent in sexual favors.
I try to stay on top but sometimes I end up behind.

“Do you know how much it is to rent a church singing group?”
“Sir, do you mean a choir?”
“Fine, yes, do you know how much it is to acquire a church singing group?”

Homes are so expensive in my area I had to move into my friend's bouncy castle.
The rent's pretty expensive, but it's mostly due to inflation.

Was looking for a place to rent. Landlord said I owe him first and last month's rent.
I said, I'm happy to pay you first month's rent, but it's hardly my responsibility to pay you last month's rent.

I gave my Landlord an ear job to pay for rent this month.
I've got to say it wasn't as bad as it sounds.

How did Beethoven rent out his house?
He put it up Fur Elise.

My great grandpa, on his death bed, offered to sell his vital organs on the black market to help pay our rent during economic crisis.
We declined his offer.

We got evicted a week later, and he died another week after that, but at least his heart was in the right place.

A man enters a Blockbuster and asks “I want to rent Batman Forever”
The clerk replies: “I’m sorry but you must return it tomorrow”

Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?
Because they’re lo mein tenants.

My friend was having bowel trouble when smoking marijuana. He didn't know whether to shit or get off the pot.

I was just asked if I want to go to the beach!
I said: “SHORE!”

Мужской и женский флирт — это как художественная гимнастика и футбол.
Женщинам только и надо, что чисто ленточками помахать, мужчины более конкретны, им надо гол забить.

I accidentally left an apple outside my local doctors office.

Now he wont be able to get in.

What is an example of a Facebook paradox?
Discovering one of their user's is trying to build a bomb and having to decide between reporting him to the FBI or serving him ads for digital timers.

"Hello, is this the anonymous FBI tip line?"
"Yes, Dave."

What do the FBI and MS Paint have in common?
They don't support transparency.

If a mole working within the FBI were to come up with a joke what kind would it be?
An inside joke.

What do you call a delivery girl who dated an FBI agent?
A Fed Ex.

The FBI Just raided a local dentist office.
They are currently performing a cavity search.

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?
I'm not wanted on either.

How is an FBI interrogation like oral sex?
One slip of your tongue and you'll wind up in shit.

Two FBI agents search an office and find a hard drive with "KGB" on it...
One of the agents asks the other, "Why didn't they just write '1 TB' instead?"

Spouses are a lot like FBI agents.
They won’t ask you a question that they do not already know the answer to.

How does an FBI agent have sex
... FBI open up.
... We're coming in.

How do you hide a million dollars from the FBI?
Give it to the CIA, those two don't share anything.

A frightened man goes to the FBI head office and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”

“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police,” said the front desk.

The man replied: “I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”

Why did the FBI investigate the duck?
He was a known quack dealer.

What the soviet FBI called?
FB-WE.

If I were locked in a room with an agent from the CIA, FBI, and NSA and I had a gun with only two bullets...
I'd shoot myself in the back of the head 3 times.

An FBI agent was called in to speak to the manager of a bank that had been robbed three times in a row by the same guy.
He asked what kind of distinguishing things can you describe about this man? Height, weight, distinguishing tattoos, clothes?
The manager said, "what I noticed was that he seemed to be better dressed each time."

What do you call a barbeque for the FBI?
A steak-out.

Why was the FBI agent happy after he visited a glory hole?
Because he received an anonymous tip.

The FBI, the CIA, and the KGB are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The FBI receive 1000 tips about the rabbit's location but refuses to investigate.

The CIA burns down the whole forest and said there's no rabbit.

The KGB drags a man out of the forest and beats him as he screams "OK I'm a rabbit!"

FBI, CIA, DEA which is best at finding people?
the IRS.

Maxwell House Now grows cannabis
It’s called Coffee Pot.

Do you think the US government mishandled the Pandemic?
I’m not just certain, I’m COVID positive.

Stalin appears to Putin in a dream.
"Why is everything here so bad?" asks Putin, "What can I do to make Russia great again?"

Stalin replies, "Execute half the government and paint the Kremlin blue."

"Why blue?" asks the inquisitive Putin.

"I knew you wouldn't object to the first part" says Stalin.

Heard the government was putting Chips on people...
Hope mine is sour cream and onion.

My coworker is convinced that the government has implanted a microchip in his brain, and is controlling his thoughts.
I told him it's all in his head.

The government offered to buy my guns from me.
But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I am not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Why is prostitution illegal?
Because when it comes to screwing people and taking their money, the government doesn't want anyone outperforming them.

What's the difference between the government and a banjo?
You can fix a banjo.

What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.

The government of Canada is forming a council to determine the merits of decriminalization of all drugs.
It will be a High Council.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.
That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

Why can't engines remain government leaders?
Once the first revolution begins there's always thousands more.

I would make a joke about the government right now.
But it probably wouldn’t accomplish anything.

Why doesn't the Government let chickens build their own houses?
Because they'll make a coup.

Ever since the government lockdown, my neighbor has had to run her business out of her backyard. She bakes delicious pastries.
Google Back Door Cream Pies if you're interested.

Which dinosaur does the government of the People's Republic of China hate?
Taiwanasaurus.

Why are people acting like Kamala Harris is the first woman to obtain such a high ranking position in the US Government?
Have we all forgotten that Monica Lewinsky was directly under Bill Clinton?

I've got a great idea for tax evasion.
Apparently if you don't pay your taxes the government will give you free housing, free food and a roommate.

Why is suicide illegal in China?
Destruction of government property.

Cardi B’s sister used to spy for the Russian government, but refuses to talk about it publicly
They call her ‘Cagey B’.

What did the Afghanistan government say after the American military left?
Biden.

A farmer had his farm on the Finnish/Russian border and the government asked him what country he wanted his farm to be in since it couldn't be in both. And he said Finland and the government asked him why.
And he said "because I can't stand the russian winters".

My father once asked me if I knew the difference between heaven and hell…
“In heaven” he said, “the Italians make the food and the British run the government”

He then paused and said, “In hell, the British make the food and the Italians run the government”

In a nuclear war, they say the only thing to survive will be cockroaches.
Which means most countries will still have functioning governments.