Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

-Алё, это секс по телефону?
- Да, но я сегодня не могу!
-Почему?!
- У меня ухо болит.

I was an underwear model, but not very long, just a brief moment.

The dentist was set to get at the root of the problem. I don't ever want to go down that canal again.

Turquoise is the best color in the world. It's cyantifcally proven!

I told the librarian I was looking for information on various types of grease and lubricants.
She suggested I try nonfriction.

My mate asked me: "Why do you keep an empty milk bottle in the fridge?"
I said: "It's in case someone wants a black coffee.

My dad hated me when I was a kid. I remember asking him if I could go ice skating on the lake and he said maybe when it gets a little warmer.

So I said to the waitress: "What’s the duck like?”
She said: "Like a chicken, but it can swim”.

I met my husband while working as a storm chaser. We married after a whirlwind romance.

Проводница подсыпала пассажирам в чай снотворное, когда ей они надоедали, и – виагру, когда ей становилось скучно.

The older I get the more I understand why roosters just scream to start their day.

Life is not a Fairy Tale.
If you lose your shoe at midnight
You Are Drunk.

"Mess with me? I'll let karma do its job. Mess with my family? I become karma."
- Unknown

"Sorry, but my karma just ran over your dogma."

"Karma is like a rubber band. It can only stretch so far until it comes back and smacks you in the face."

What do you get if you mix human DNA and whale DNA?
Banned from of Seaworld.

Reddit karma is a lot like sex
I don't get it.

How many Karma whores does it take to screw on a lightbulb?
When this reaches 500 upvotes I'll tell you.

What's the difference between Bad Karma and Reddit Karma?
You get Bad Karma by stealing other people's belongings. You get Reddit Karma by stealing other people's jokes.

My buddy asked me how my post got so much karma
“Simple, piece of cake”

I'm a firm believer in karma...
All of the people I treated badly had it coming to them.

Ищешь недостающую половинку, а попадается вечно достающая...

Chuck Norris was able to leave Hotel California.

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest... I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

I wear my table of elements shirt periodically.

I always see more people walking into Walmart than out of Walmart... but the meat is cheap so I don't ask questions.

Only two years ago, my wife’s gynecologist delivered pizza.
Still to this day, they both think it’s a bad name.

Revenge can be sweet.
But if you sit back and watch.
Karma can be pure entertainment.

Он называл её на Вы, а она давно мечтала, чтобы начал уже тыкать...

I took first prize at the science fair when I taught my hummingbird to ring a bell for food.
The judges said it was a real humdinger.

I found that it was hard to get an egg over easy. The darn egg wouldn't cooperate.

These Amber Heard jokes were funny at first until shit hit the fan.

I threatened to sue the dry cleaners for giving me wrinkled clothes, and they responded by pressing suit.

Me: Why are you kicking me out of church???
Pastor: Because, for the LAST TIME, ‘drink beer and fuck’ is NOT one of the commandments!!

I only go to steakhouses on Rare occasions.

My first acupuncture appointment is Monday. I’m not sure how this will work out, needles to say….

“The first amendment is there for a reason. The second is in case the first one doesn’t work out.”
—Dave Chapelle

Life is too short to code in C++.

People tell me that I am in denial, but I refuse to believe it.

I came home today to find my husband had been on ebay all day!
If this continues...I'm gonna have to reduce the price.

- Изя, вот скажите мне, почему евреи всё время воюют с арабами?
- Моня, таки это всё от зависти. Евреи завидуют арабам, что у них есть нефть...
- А арабы?
- А арабы завидуют тому, что евреи живут лучше них, несмотря на отсутствие нефти.

I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
— Winston Churchill

There’s no excuse for laziness... but if you find one, let me know.

-How can I dry my Shakespeare doll on this washing line?
-Peg your bard on?
-I said how can I dry my Shakespeare doll on this washing line?

My wife and I share the same sense of humour.

We have to, she doesn't have one.

I gave my friend a peach. He said, "Thanks, but I would rather have a pear." So I gave him another peach.

My clock didn't wake me up in the morning. It was an alarming development.

My grief counsellor died yesterday.

He was so good, I didn't give a $hit.

Whenever a married man says, "I'll think about it," what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
- Eduardo Orefice

Something tells me I have a dentist appointment today. I just have that filling.

I spent ages trying to spell Inconsequential before I realized it's not that important.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone, theres always someone behind you!

1st Farmer: “My cows never get sick.”
2nd Farmer: “Do you feed them a special diet?”
1st Farmer: “No, they have HERD immunity.”

Meat cutter: “I have Asperger’s.”
Customer: “The syndrome?”
Meat cutter: “No, you misunderstood. I said Ass Burgers, ground rump roast!”

Eventually Genghis Khan controlled a vast region, but at the beginning he had to take it one steppe at a time.

Anyone else able to tie a rope using telekinesis?
Thought knot.

My girlfriend and I had sex a couple of days ago. She looked at me and said, "Turn the light off and stick it in my butt".
I guess I should have waited for the bulb to cool off first.

Saw a sign on the train saying "Please give this seat to an elderly person".

So I unscrewed it and took it to my grandma's house.

My nephew is an intern at a marijuana dispensary.
He has high hopes for the future.

Medical fact: If a woman drinks two glasses of wine a day it increases the chance of a stroke.

If you let her finish the bottle she'll probably suck it as well.

I accidentally ran over a mouse with my car on my way to work, I guess I won’t be going back to Disney land!

BREAKING NEWS!
Heathrow Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.

Cases continue to rise…

I had a really funny joke, but autocorrect ruined the lunchtime.

Wife: "For Pete's sake, I'm getting sick and tired of you accusing me of cheating on you!"
Husband: "Who's Pete?"

There are two typos of people in the world. Those who notice spelling errors and those who don’t.

The Invisible Man lost a game in strip poker and no one even noticed.

The local lariat maker just retired. He finally got to the end of his rope.

I'm so single right now, that if i win a trip for two, im going twice!!!

Do you know where dragon milk comes from?
From a cow with short legs.

“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.”
~ Groucho Marx

So, apparently my degree in aromachology requires a refresher course.

I'm having regular sex with a blind woman. The sex is great but it isn't easy getting her husband’s voice right.

If you see me talking to myself in the street, Just move along.
I'm self employed
We are having a Staff Meeting.

At my age I don’t need participation medals.
Everything I do results in atrophy.

Chestnut: A man who is obsessed with female breasts.

If you don’t meet the devil every now and then, you are traveling in the same direction.

В любой непонятной ситуации читайте русскую классику. Там всё у всех намного хуже..

The chess player was not to be trusted. He had a checkered past.

Looking for a relationship? Date a horse rancher, they’re very stable.

How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi Jammin.