Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

What’s the best thing for a hangover?
Drink heavily the night before.

I drank alot of alcohol at the airport last night.
I now have a terminal hangover.

“What’s this? Will it cure my hangover??” I asked.
“It’s a breathlyzer, sir,” replied the cop. “Please step out of your vehicle.”

My friend lost his marijuana garden when someone weeded it out.

So when you get married, your wife becomes your ex-girlfriend.

If my career in balloon animals doesn't work, I'll start a honey farming company.
It's my Plan Bee.

Софа :
--Ты представляешь, Циля, вчера купила кеды. Дома гляжу - оба левые. Один - 43 размера, другой - 44-го. Таки, самое страшное, шо подошли...

For the record, red wine and fish definitely don’t go well together.

In fact, mine died.

- Семён Маркович, и шо я вижу! Вы едите сало?
- Таки да.
- Та какой же ж вы тогда еврей, если едите сало?
- Ай, ну давайте спросим так: ну какое же это сало, если его ест еврей?.

I wish I hadn't bought my underwear online.
They now want me to take a brief survey.

I got an email today asking $19.95 to teach me how to read maps backwards. It turned out to be spam.

- ¿Es esa el arca de Moisés?
- Noé.
- Ah, pues me lo parecía.

Scientists got together to study the effects of alcohol on a person’s walk, and the result was staggering.

I wrote a book about undershirts, and it’s doing very well! I’m being paid in
royal tees.

I wonder how Cops on bicycles arrest people.

" Ok you, get in the basket!"

What do you get with a nut and a building?
Walnut.

If you want advice on what to do while waiting in line to buy cotton swabs, I can give you some queue tips.

Porn is Fake ASF
I tried seducing my stepmom, now I’m homeless.

So do nudists look in their wardrobe and think to themselves...

`I've absolutely nothing to wear?'

Chuck Norris Rattlesnake belt is still alive.

Harrison Ford has released a compilation of songs that are based on the Star Wars trilogy.

It's his first Solo album.

Chuck Norris ran the Boston Marathon backwards, just to see who finished in 2nd place!

- Господи, я уже столько лет молюсь тебе, чтобы ты помог мне купить дом, машину, дачу...
- Сёма, ты не молишься, ты - клянчишь.

After the mailman was bitten in the crotch, he reported that a dog had stolen his package.

The other day I had a frog in my throat or so I've been toad.

This guy stepped in front of a bus. He lost both legs. He was going to sue, but he didn’t have a leg to stand on.

У пессимиста давно не было секса. А у оптимиста был, но давно.

Pediatricians have very little patients.

I like talking to the ocean 🌊 because it can get pretty deep.

Al Pacino has a new movie about a Cuban man who wins the World knitting championship.
It’s called “Scarf Ace”…

Kid: I'll be good if you pay me a dollar!

Mom: Why can't you be like your dad and be good for nothing?

I'm reading a book on the concept of
a vacuum. So far, the plot sucks.

Barbie’s convertible needs a tuneup, but unfortunately this is beyond her ken…

Depressing is what comes after delaundry.

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you going? What do you do?"
The miner replied, "Mine."

I had a pigeon who smoked weed and wrote poetry. He specialized in High-Coos.

The best way to communicate with a fish, is to drop them a line.

A trigonometry book has been discovered on the planet Mars. Unfortunately, there were no other sines of life.

Always remember to put on a happy face, especially if it's not yours.

-Ed Gein

Если мужчины по природе полигамны, а женщины моногамны, то с кем полигамны мужчины?

If your pet pig is funny, he's an amusement pork.
If not, he's a boar.

Chuck Norris once had a race against time. Time's still running

Don’t take a computer on a road trip, it’ll be a hard drive.

I call my wife, Bambi. It is a term of endeerment.

My doctor left the hospital abruptly today to meet with the house contractor. He really needs to work on his bedside manor.

Some people get married only for the matri-money.

You will never see an orange in a brawl. They are afraid of being beaten to
a pulp.

So I failed my cement mixing exam…
it was too hard.

CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.

ME: Oh no.

I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

Jack was asked in class to present a slide show. So Jack went to the playground and promptly filmed children going down a slide.

Often, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my daily demands.

Old refrigerators never die, they just lose their cool!

I don't need the microphone, I'm a loudspeaker.

I'm writing a book called "Litres & Gallons". It's two volumes.

Tony Stark really wanted to build a Chuck Norris suit but he wasn’t rich enough.

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What's the worst thing I said to my neighbour when he complained that
his wife is frigid?
No, she isn't!

I'm not saying my wife's greedy, but on her birthday she ate her cake so fast,we had to prise her mouth open to blow the candles out.

You miss 100% of the naps you don't take.

Today people are too dependant on technology...

"Alexa why is that?"

Jonathan was hit in the stomach with a lollipop. That is what they call a sucker punch.

I will love you forever*

*some rounding up has been applied.

Got so many personalities even masturbating feels like an orgy.

I’m so glad the accordion instructor was able to squeeze me in.

I think the proper term for "senior" women should be QUEENagers.

If Elon doesn’t rename Twitter to MySpaceX then what’s the point?

My grandparents fought during the Vietnam War.

They ended up getting a divorce

People sometimes confuse the plural
of octopus. It’s one octopus, two
octopuses, 3.14 octopi.

Some people aren't just missing a screw, the whole toolbox is gone.

I have a photographic memory.
…. I’m just all out of film!

Is it OK to kiss a nun?

Yes, but don't get into the habit.

Chuck Norris can make Journey stop believing.

Chuck Norris has never met a lesbian.

My friend used to be addicted to flashing their bum in public... but that was many moons ago.

After careful consideration, Frank Sinatra decided to do it CHUCK'S way.

A woman was dining in a dimly lit restaurant and thought she saw an acquaintance. As she approached the other woman's table to say hello, she realized she was mistaken and said, "Oh, sorry, but you look like Helen Brown." "I know," said the stranger, "but my purple dress is at the cleaners."

Cop: You were going fast.
Me: I was just trying to keep up with traffic.
Cop: There isn't any.
Me: I know! That's how far behind I am.

I've had myself waxed 'down there'.

...now my socks slide on real easy.

I lost a close friend and drinking partner last week.

It was horrible. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.