Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to sooth the soul . Even if it’s cold . Over ice.with a celery stalk . And vodka

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On and On Anon.

Welcome to spring, where no matter what jacket you pick, you're wrong.

I sing in the prison choir. I'm always behind a few bars and looking for the key.

I sat in my haircutters chair and said “make me look sexy “.

She started drinking.

I’m more confused than a Chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

- Давай встречаться?
- Давай! А с кем?

Одна девочка не знала как ставится ударение в словосочетании "Страстная суббота" и этот день прошел для неё веселее, чем для других христиан.

So anyone know where I can get fresh ice cubes...?

I don't want any of those frozen ones.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.

Моя жизнь как кубик Рубик — с одной стороны синий, а с другой стороны не складывается!

My wife has stood by me for 30 years...

We only have 1 chair.

I love surprising my Girlfriend…
Today she woke up blocked and single!

Q: What do you call a sheep that torments other animals?
A: A wooly bully.

After Walmart opened stores in Germany, it had to scrap its policy requiring employees to smile at customers because German shoppers thought it was strange.

Чтобы в старости не грустить о былых временах, я просто сейчас стремно и скучно живу.

A friend’s dog swallowed a cushion. The vet has described its condition as comfortable.

What do you call a bear with no ears?
B.

We started a band and called it "Books"

So no one can judge us by our covers.

They are going to remake The Wizard of Oz only this time starring Sylvester Stallone. Its called Somewhere over the Rambo.

What do you call a gay Dinosaur?
A Mega sore ass.

Alec Baldwin's wife is pregnant again with their 7th child. Dude never fires blanks.

Facebook removed my joke about rice cakes because they said it was tasteless.

My family said i should get help for my drinking, so i hired a bartender.

I was being stalked by a Telephone Operator.

.
She's a little hung-up on me.

How much does a circumcisionist make?
$25.00 an hour plus tips.

Anyone caught posting music puns will now be band.

Yesterday was International Bread Day.
This fact is a day old, so I Propose a toast.

What do women want? Shoes. Lots and lots of shoes. Like a lot of shoes. Sometimes orgasms but mostly shoes.

A salesman knocked on my door earlier. "Who currently provides your Internet?" he asked. I said, "My next door neighbour."

Рано утром Изя выползает из спальни в полном изнеможении и бормочет:
- Софа, шоб ты еще так кушать научилась готовить...

The pussy is never yours, it's just your turn.

I know a lot of clever jokes about umbrellas, but they usually go over peoples heads.

- Привет, кем работаешь?
- А у меня муж работает, а я красивая!

My mum doesn’t trust my dad’s secretary. I asked her why, and she just said “I’ve seen her type before”.

If autocorrect changes ur fuck to duck, it’s alright.. it’s still foul language.

There can be 100 people in a room.
99 won't slap you, but one Will.

Q: How rare is it for a cow to be struck by lightning?

A: Medium Rare.

I used to be married to a banana, but then me and the banana split.

Every one in my town wears jumpers that are a size too small for them.
We are a very tight knit community.

Las Vegas new casino has a Colonoscopy Clinic. It’s called Proctor & Gamble.

If you're alone and feeling lonely - fart. Someone always walks in after you fart.

To the woman with six screaming kids in Tesco, if you're wondering how those condoms got in your trolley, you’re welcome.

What do the French call marijuana?

Oui'd

Phoned the doctor and said I think I have constipation.
He relplied;
Don't give a shit.

The rapper Jay Z has retired. Changed his name to Lazy...

What do they call a bra in Germany,
A stopth em from floppin.

Отец Федор три года собирает пожертвования на часовню, но пока хватило только на Ауди.

I got a big promotion at the forestry department.

They gave me my own branch.

Wife said, where's the nut dish?
I replied, your talking out of it

Birds don’t really fly.
The just wing it.

I have not yet begun to procrastinate!

When you see a deaf couple holding hands, maybe it's not romantic.

Maybe they just want each other to shut up ?

Return of the Jedi is not possible without the Receipt of the Jedi.

Jason Bourne has a brother who lives in Australia.

His name is Mel.

I realised I’ve never been attacked by birds, I must be impeccable.

- Какой у тебя размер презерватива?
- Да хуй его знает!

It’s extremely rare for a defibrillator to fail, but when it does,
No One’s shocked.

My wife says my snoring a noise her.

Deer testicles are the most affordable meat, they’re always under a buck.

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

Never trust a tree in the summer...

Most of them seem pretty shady...

The magician said he would make a musical instrument appear and VIOLA! There it was.

I had misplaced my research paper on Geography.

But then I found it atlas!

I bought a used car with a frame that isn’t very straight . Now I drive a bently.

Смотри куда идешь, а то придешь туда куда смотришь...

I ought to be punished
For every pun I shed,
Do not leave a puny shred
Upon my punnish head.

Who's bigger ?
Mr Bigger, Mrs Bigger or their baby ?

Their baby. He's a little Bigger.

A sheep spends its entire life fearing the wolf only to be eaten by the shepherd.

(In Scottish accent) Whats wrong with Mickey Mouses helicopter? Disneyland.

I had a debate with a flat-earther. He said he'd walk to the edge of the Earth to prove his point.

I'm sure he'll come around eventually.

Was injured when a chandelier fell on me.
Went to the hospital with light injuries.

Man goes to the doctor with a strawberry on his head. Doctor says " Don't worry, I've got some cream for that"

I admit I’ve never actually eaten at KFC… but it’s definitely on my bucket list!….

Was out with the new girlfriend when a mouse jumps out of nowhere, to impress her I bricked the little fucker
I'm now single.
And banned from Disneyland.

I tried smelling mothballs once but I couldn't get their little legs apart.

— Скажи 300.
— 300.
— Спрячь тратил от Исламиста.

FUN Fact:
Every human being starts out as an anus - It's the first part of our bodies to form in the womb.

Be careful when offering to help a fisherman.
You could be opening a can of worms.

My weird boss has assigned designated toilet breaks for all employees - and now it’s my turn. I really don’t need this shit!