Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Senior Dr : Why did you have sex with her?
Trainee Dr: She was lying there naked....what was I supposed to do?
Senior Dr: The autopsy! You were supposed to perform the autopsy!

I love gossiping with gardeners. They always have lots of good dirt.

I told my psychiatrist that I have been hearing voices.
He told me that I don't have a psychiatrist.

One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.

My wife has just phoned me to say that 3 girls in her office have received flowers and they are absolutely gorgeous.
I said, "That's probably why."

What did Jesus say to his apostles on the cross before he died ?

Don't touch my fucking easter eggs il be back on Sunday.

- Ты конченный?
- Да.
- А скажи что-нибудь на конченном.
- Все неоднозначно, всей правды мы не узнаем.

I watched a television series on the history of tops and dreidels. It was so popular that there are plans for a spin off.

I’m bad at small talk. I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she did for a living.

What did Elton John say to the boy's father?

"Don't let your son go down on me".

Thought of the Day: Your brain is amazing organ, it starts working the moment you get up and doesn't stop until you get in the office.

What does a Strawberry wear to Bed?
Jammies.

If I want to save money to plant bushes on my lawn, should I invest in a hedge fund?

I was talking to a friend, and he told me his wife was a broad.
I looked at him and said that's pretty disrespectful.
He replied not really, she loves travelling overseas.

My Dad claims that I interject coffee puns into every conversation. I asked, “On what grounds can you make that assertion?”

I'm not fat, I'm hot. And when things get hot they expand, it's science.

I used to live next door to a vampire. Man was he a pain in the neck.

It's actually bad luck to say MacBook inside an office. You have to call it 'The Scottish Laptop'

My wife tried to apply at the post office but they wouldn’t letter. They said only mails work here.

I wanted to make a chicken omelette for breakfast, but I couldn’t remember which ingredient came first…

Due to unforseen circumstances Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels could not be with us tonight.
But, they're with us in spirit.

I saw a group of ghosts at the bar tonight.

They were raising
their spirits.

Kid: "Dad what's leather made from?"
Dad: "Hide".
Kid: "What???"
Dad: "Hide... a cows outside".
Kid: "I'm not afraid of a cow..."

If you dress like a cowboy...
are you ranch dressing?

I wanted to learn to dance so I started with salsa. I wanted something I could dip in to.

The introvert urge to stay up far too late because it’s the only time you can be alone.

75% of my day consists of looking at the clock and not believing it.

Every box of raisins is a tragic tale of grapes that could have been wine.

I had a pet rock a long time ago. I never realized how stoned he was back then.

I was sitting in traffic the other day. Probably why I got run over.

Accidentally replaced my halogen bulbs with hallucinogen bulbs.
My light bill seems really high.

My trainer told me that every time I ate a donut it went to my hip.
Note to self: eat 2 so my hips will match.

My daughter just revealed to me she's transexual... I guess that makes me transparent.

My cashew business is doing so well, I was able to hire someone to do deliveries. He drives me nuts.

Difference between cheating on your wife and on the taxman?
If you get caught, the taxman will still want to screw you!!!

The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.

How did the police arrest all the prostitutes in town. They used a hornet.

The only way to get AIDS from a toilet seat, is by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3-meter-wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well I think she should look at the bigger picture.

Alcohol free beer. Like going down on your sister. Tastes the same but it's not right

Technically the overall goal of golf...

is to play less golf...

I lived with a beautiful woman for 8 months.....and then she found me in her closet.

Sarcasm is the ability to insult stupid people without them realizing it.

To start a zoo, you need at least two Pandas, a Grizzly and two Polars.

That is the Bear minimum.

Blankets don’t warm you up. You warm up blankets.

ME: "pew pew...pew pew pew"
GUY AT NEXT URINAL: "Please stop"

Красивым словом ТУРБУЛЕНТНОСТЬ полностью описывается состояние говна, болтающегося в проруби.
Игорь Иртеньев

A popular Norwegian adage says,"There’s no bad weather, just bad clothing choices."

Ночь темна и полна ужасов, а холодильник светел и полон обещаний.

Собрание в сельсовете. Перед односельчанами выступает голова, после окончания выступления говорит:
- А сейчас будут дебаты.
Встает доярка:
- Если дебаты, то меня первую.., а то мне еще корову доить.

Ladies get yourself a man with no teeth he will never smile at another woman.

Always remember it's better to wake up and pee than to pee and wake up.

Каждый электрик хотя бы раз в жизни был проводником.

Needed to build a chair to support my lower back. I got the materials at the lumbar yard.

I keep a guitar in the car with me now.

It's good for traffic jams.

The president of the Scrabble club got married. It was arranged.

The best years of my life was spent in the arms of another mans wife.

Thanks Mum.

Never fight a dinasour...

You'll get Jurasskicked.

I was told a joke about a high salary... but I don't get it.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid group has been deported.
We don't have Oleg to stand on .

I masturbated so good last night….when I woke up my clit was in the kitchen cookin breakfast.

Officer: You get one phone call.

Me: Can I text?

During breakfast my wife told me that she's leaving me because of my obsession with Twitter.

I nearly choked on my #brown.

If the women is always right.

Who wins when lesbians argue..?

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer, plus it’s fun to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to…

The best part about pooping with the door open in the morning is being able to see everyone’s face at Starbucks.

There’s nothing like a little tomato soup to sooth the soul . Even if it’s cold . Over ice.with a celery stalk . And vodka

Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers?

It's called On and On Anon.

Welcome to spring, where no matter what jacket you pick, you're wrong.

I sing in the prison choir. I'm always behind a few bars and looking for the key.

I sat in my haircutters chair and said “make me look sexy “.

She started drinking.

I’m more confused than a Chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

- Давай встречаться?
- Давай! А с кем?

Одна девочка не знала как ставится ударение в словосочетании "Страстная суббота" и этот день прошел для неё веселее, чем для других христиан.

So anyone know where I can get fresh ice cubes...?

I don't want any of those frozen ones.

Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I'm hoping that she's having an affair.

Моя жизнь как кубик Рубик — с одной стороны синий, а с другой стороны не складывается!

My wife has stood by me for 30 years...

We only have 1 chair.

I love surprising my Girlfriend…
Today she woke up blocked and single!

Q: What do you call a sheep that torments other animals?
A: A wooly bully.