Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

My vacuum cleaner died...

it bit the dust...

- Мой муж так простужен!
- Скажите ему, чтобы он больше пил и отдыхал.
- Если это помогает, то я вообще не понимаю, как он ухитрился заболеть.

Music is just like candy...

It's great, once you get rid of the rapper.

My tailor really likes fixing my clothes. Or sew it seams.

What do you do when your cat's dead?
Play with the neighbours pussy instead.

I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized.
I don't even have a coconut.

How does the Pope pay for things on eBay? He uses his Papal account.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.

You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

The computer can beat me at maths but I can put the computer in the trash.

My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.

I told him that’s.... sound advice.

My wife is upset because The Rolling Stones had to cancel their concert. I told her, "You can't always get what you want."

Никогда не позволяйте морали удерживать вас от правильных поступков.

I wanted to get married at the library but it was all booked up.

I fisted a Ventriloquist once to see how he liked it..

- Ты хоть поспал сегодня, или не дали?
- И дали, и поспал.

Doctor who specializes in adam's apples..
Guyneckologist.

If boobs weren’t meant to be looked at, they wouldn’t be in the front.

What happens when the doctor's wife eats an apple a day?

My sister just had a baby boy.
They've decided to call him Mark, but with a C.
Cark.

Centigrade, Fahrenheit and Kelvin, I trust them all with varying degrees.

Male lions will often eat other lions when they are starving. They just have to swallow their pride.

How many months have 28 days?
All 12.

My pencil was stolen.
The police have opened a pencil case...

Если все ваши любовницы похожи на вашу жену, значит вы - однолюб.

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

My wife and I share the same sense of humour...
We have to, she doesn't have one.

My parents always tell me their world doesn’t revolve around me. So I guess that means I’m not actually their sun.

I went to see an acupuncturist today. When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.

Vaginas are like gyms.

I'm rarely inside one, but when I am I just sort of pretend to know what I'm doing and hope no one notices I don't.

My new job inspecting feathers has me feeling down!

My neighbor was very rude when I knocked on his door to ask him his favorite Michael Jackson song.
He said, "Beat it!"

My New Years resolution is to give up sexual innuendos.
Which is going to be extremely hard.

My mother warned me against giving my daughter a silly name, but I called her bluff...

My company has just hired a new Customer Service manager named Helen Waite.

Now whenever customers have problems or complaints I just tell them to go to Helen Waite.

My little son asked me where you find giant snails? Easy, on giant’s fingers.

Some gambling advice…. never let cows play cards. They tend to leave their chips on the table.

My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, Id better warn you, shes expecting a baby. I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing a diaper...

My least favorite color is purple. I dislike it more than red and blue combined.

My mate took his dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end. It was a cat-ass-trophy.

- Мамочка,а что такое "@бать/колотить"?
- Боже,доченька,где ты это услышала?
- Нигде не слышала. Смотрю вокруг и само на ум приходит.

I constantly tried to phone the zoo.
.
The lion was always busy.

My laziness is like the number 8.
Once it lies down, it becomes infinite.

Chuck Norris doesn’t read your mind… he lets you know what you’re thinking.

Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of Rain.

I told the wife that I'm seeing dots. She says, have you seen a doctor? No, just dots.

I finally did it!

I got a role in a porn!

I'm the husband that goes to work...

My twin brother forgot my birthday.

If you want me to stop with the thanksgiving puns I need you to know
I just cant stop cold turkey.

The best way to lie is to tell the truth, carefully edited truth.

Went to the doctor as I was feeling constipated.

We talked shit for 30 minutes....

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon.
It never really got off the ground.

My wife named our waterbed the DEAD SEA.

Когда я играю с девушками в шахматы, я всегда отпускаю шуточки по поводу их фигур.

My grandad always said

Dont believe everything you hear

It was great advice...

I think...

My friend said she wanted the two of us to hang out naked with grizzlies. "What?" I said, confused. She said, "Bear with me!"

Девушка, дайте мне таблетку.
- Вам какую?
- Белую.
- Послушайте, это аптека. У нас много белых таблеток.
- Одну дайте.

Chuck Norris once told a joke to Hyenas and they still haven't stop laughing!

When did the Seventh Commandment get changed from thou shalt not commit adultery to thou shalt not ADMIT adultery?

Which coat is always wet when you put it on?

A coat of paint.

Don’t listen to Bugs Bunny. Anything he says is all just haresay.

My wife and her family all say Im paranoid. At least I’m pretty sure that’s what they’re all saying behind my back.

Immortality jokes... they never get old.

I never remind people of their flaws... unless I'm losing an argument.

Chuck Norris doesn't lie, he changes facts!

I know right from wrong... wrong is the fun one.

I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

Если ты встретишь на дороге шаолиньского монаха, ударь его по лицу.
Если это будет настоящий шаолиньский монах, ты ему по лицу не попадешь.
Если это будет ученик шаолиньских монахов, он будет благодарен тебе за урок.
Если это будет проходимец в одежде шаолиньского монаха, то так ему и надо!

I'd tell you the story about the international space station but I'm sure it would probably go right over your head.

Mathematicians aren’t that smart.
They say pie are square.
When everyone knows.
Pie are round.

Somebody said my dad's gay.
And I’m now trying to work out which one.

I consider exercise self care, so I make time for it. Same goes for masturbation..

My fanatic fly-fishing cousin broke his arm three years ago and still, fearing loss of his favourite pastime, refuses to have his cast removed!

What’s the favorite ride of Scotsmen? Eweber. It’s sheeper than a regular taxi.

Son: Dad, for $20 I will be good.
Dad: Oh yeah! When I was your age, I was good for nothing.

I know someone in a tribute band called "Jar Lid". They cover The Jam.

Them: Don’t worry, you got this!

Narrator: He didn’t got this.

My friend just called me the worst best man ever. I was speechless.

Doctor: Thanks for waiting sir.

Patient: IT'S M'AAM!!!

Doctor: Ma'am, you have testicular cancer.

I’m leaving the hair styling industry. It’s a permanent decision.

My friend gets really upset when I call him a flat-Earther. He says the correct term is bulldozer operator.