Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Dating me is fun. You get a comedian, a mental patient and a pornstar all in one.

I trained a fish to buy groceries.
It’s my shopping carp.

I got kicked out of the choir for trying to sing the high parts.
They said I was a treble maker.

Этот мир настолько жесток, что даже в слове "картавость" есть буква "р".

Q: What’s the difference between a jeweller and a prison officer?
A: One sells watches, the other watches cells.

My doctor said that I might die because I accidentally consumed clay.
I’m shitting bricks to be honest.

"No amount of evidence will ever persuade an idiot."
Mark Twain

Шансы, как презервативы, их надо использовать.

A bad chapter doesn't mean that it's the end of the story.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.
- Milton Berle

“Dong. Ding Dong.”

-Jame Bond’s doorbell

Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning all you need is 2 Hearts and a Diamond, by the end you wish you had a club and a spade.

My wife asked me why I never weigh myself, I said I'm trying to scale back.

I just read Thomas Edison's autobiography, it was quite illuminating

Someone poured a tin of purple paint over me.

I felt violated.

There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 13. His name was Constant Teen.

Полезные советы дают те, кто уже не может подать дурного примера.

My wife said if I bought her one more stupid gift, she would burn it.
So I bought her a candle.

- Siento que ya no me escuchas cuando te hablo.
- El verde te sienta mejor.

I don't like old songs. They remind me of how stupid I was that year.

My girlfriend has a glass eye. She's the one eye love.

My refrigerator has quite a temper.. I accidentally left the door open and it totally losts it's cool.

The guy couldn't find anything to buy in the adult toy store no matter how hard he shopped.

What’s the difference between Jelly and Jam?
You can’t jelly a stick up someone’s ass !

I’ve just taken a DNA test and it shows that I’m 20 percent Vampire!!
I’m so ashamed I can’t even look at myself in the mirror anymore.

A band member from the group Boston went to the dentist, he had more than a filling.

My cousin was arrested for stealing an electric car.

He was released due to a lack of an adequate charge.

Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!

The worst feeling during a prostate exam is two hands on your shoulders.

'Why does Beyoncé sing "To the left, to the left"?'
Because women don't have any rights.

Lately had a vasectomy so I wouldn’t have kids. Got home and they were still there!

—Soy todo lo que buscas.
—¿Eres un sofá?

—Tú no te ralles.
—Quiero otro psicólogo.

What soup is most popular with bureaucrats?

Administrone.

I’ve always thought that a talented butcher would be wonderful to meat.

I got my spouse flowers and all I got in return was an allergic reaction.

I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?

Fcking in your 40’s.. can you moan on my left side, that’s my good ear.

My lip balm is a great lubricant.

~Me, flirting

My battery died the other day. It was AA tragedy.

—¿Tú te consideras machista?
—Qué va. Yo cocino, friego y todas esas cosas de mujeres.

The "Using Time Wisely" conference has been moved to February 28-30.

Ученые скрестили кота с ящерицей. Его невозможно надолго кастрировать.

Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn't know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain.

I had sex once and once was enough.
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?

Me: Isn't it ironic?
Alanis Morissette: what is?
Me: well, you oughta know....

2 paedos on the beach. One says to the other "can you get out of my s#n".

You laugh because you think I’m kidding, I smile because I know I’m not :)

It is really unfortunate that Islam, Judaism, and Christianity have been fighting each other for centuries.
Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

To avoid conversations at work, always walk with purpose and a toilet plunger.

— А по-нормальному ты умеешь говорить?
— Ответ, к сожалению, не да.

Might wake up early and go for a jog.
Might also win the lottery... odds are about the same.

Does a blood bank’s waiting room have a plasma TV?

I DO have a six pack abs. You just can’t see them under all my fat.

— Ты пиво пьешь?
— Нет!
— А что ты с ним делаешь?

I've given up trying to convince people that I'm not a quitter…

I AM IMMORTAL!

and will be till the day I die.

Kinda sexy how you put the cuffs on me. Will I need a safe word?
Cop: the fuck is wrong with you.

Many people from the UK have pale skin. They're like bleached Wales.

Did you hear that McDonald’s is coming out with a McJackson burger? It’s a 50-year-old piece of meat in a 12-year-old bun.

Люди маленького роста позднее других узнают, что начался дождь.

Buy a 3D printer.
Print the 3D printer.
Return the 3D printer.

I was watching court TV today. A man was being charged with stealing luggage. The whole trial took 3 minutes......

It was a briefcase.........

— Фима, вот напишу на нашей кровати, шо ты дурак, и пусть вся Одесса знает!

— Фима, вот напишу на нашей кровати, шо ты дурак, и пусть вся Одесса знает!

Guns don't kill people. Husbands who come home early kill people.

I made some delicious soup with my grandma today.

I know traditionally you're supposed to scatter their ashes, but still...

Do proctologists get paid an anal salary?

I hear that prunes are trying to take over the market, but the grapes are raisin hell about it.

I'm not saying procrastination is in my blood, but my ancestors came to this country on the Juneflower...

Man: Doctor, all five of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!
Doctor: Wow! That’s the worse case of Parking Son’s disease I have ever seen.

My husband is so bad at eating pussy - it’s oral punishment.

My wife can sigh the entire alphabet.

Worry works! 99% of the things I worry about never happen.

I’m not brave. I’m just past the age where running is an option.

I just found out that cock fighting was done with roosters. There goes 6 months training down the drain.

I'm running in a Scandinavian race next week. Really short one. It starts at the Finnish line.

—¿Bebes para olvidar?
—¡Coño!, ¿que estabas ahí?

—Tiene usted déficit de atención.
—¿Eh?

Telling my neighbor about my new telescope –
I can see Uranus
Her: you can see planets?
Me: planets?