Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Sarcasm was created to confuse the stupid.

Эвакуаторщик пришёл в детский сад за сыном. А его уже забрали.

- Наши противники считают нашу разведку сильнейшей в мире!
- Откуда вы об этом узнали?
- От наших разведчиков.

Whenever my wife sings I have to go outside. Not to get away from her, but to prove to my neighbors I'm not beating her.

When I ask for directions, please don't use east west, I'll just get more lost.

If I look like I have my shit together that’s good you bought that.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

The only thing worse than no coffee is bad coffee.

90% of marriage is moving a new piece of furniture around the house all day until you find the perfect spot for it which is back at the store.

Volodymyr Zelenskyy is a backwards politician.

Most act like heroes to get elected and become comedians while in office.

Coffee because murder is exhausting.

Don't let anyone with drawn on eyebrows give you advice about life.

I keep birthday candles in my purse in case I ever want a free dessert.

me: what do you do?

woman: i give fortunes

me: i love getting a lot of money.

woman: no I’m a fortune teller

me: i love withdrawing a lot of money.

Jesus was a Carpenter, but he never actually sang on any of their albums...

Trouble is just fun you got caught having.

My mate said to me “I bet you can’t make a pun about a flower?”

But I rose to the challenge…

Женщины мало пьют потому, что мужики и так красивые.

Some people don't realize they're bad drivers because they can't see the signs.

I don't often joke about chemical elements .. but I may do periodically.

Ive never seen the inside of my ears...
But I’ve heard good things.

Judge: how do you plead?

Me: usually on my knees with a little sobbing.

—Bienvenido a la comisaría, agente, ¿es de narcóticos?
—Soy más de whisky, pero qué coño, un día es un día.
—¿Qué?
—¿EH?

I received a letter from the past, I returned it to sender.

Women are like history, no matter how many times they repeat themselves men don’t learn.

"In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take."

• Lewis Carroll

Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been.
~Mark Twain

Ive just accidentally sent a naked photo of myself to everyone in my address book!
Not only is it embarrassing, its cost me a fortune in stamps!

Ive just invented a new Golf ball that will go in the hole if it gets within 4 inches.

Note to self: Do NOT put them in back pocket.

The only time I've ever used sex to get what I want is when I want sex.

I have a pet tree...
It's like a pet dog, but the bark is quieter.

I can't tell if the vegetarians next door are having sex or are finally eating a steak.

Common sense is not so common.

I had to give up tap dancing.
I kept falling off the sink.

Me: I’ve found my dream home! How much?
Him: Ma’am, this is a public library.

If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.

When you drive you put your life in your foot's hands.

Для меня навести беспорядок в вещах - это в порядке вещей.

Some people face change. Some people change face.

I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It's an oughtobiography.

Sometimes I wish my dog could talk.
But then I remember all the things he has seen me do when I’m alone.

The Earth *was* flat until the invention of money, which made the world go round.

"The man who asks a question is a fool for a minute, the man who does not ask is a fool for life."

- Confucius

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I'm better than you, but I feel really bad about it

In school we learn the lesson before we take the test. In life we take the test before we learn the lesson.

When someone rings the doorbell why do dogs always assume its for them?

—Tienes muy mala pinta.
—Fuera de mi bar.

Your secrets are safe with me. Mostly because my memory is shit and I hate everyone.

A good nap helps to break the day up into manageable portions.

Orphans are bad at poker because they've never had a full house.

A Mexican Beatles cover band's drummer would be called Gringo Starr.

How did the pharaohs become so wealthy? They were running huge pyramid schemes.

Софа Львовна была уже не персик, но ещё таки не курага.

There is a new laxative out for men. Its called "WOMEN". It won't soften your stool, but it will aggravate the shit out of you.

When life gives you lemons, tweet about it.

Я отключился от интернета: там столько грязных фильмов для взрослых, что просто некогда выйти из дому.
(с) Джек Николсон

FUN Fact:
Horses 'wink' with their vaginas when they are horny.

My love language is mutual respect and honesty...

Oh..and good dick too.

Some coworkers are like broken rockets.
They don't work and it seems they can't be fired.

Гадости нужно делать так, чтобы никто о них не узнал, - тогда и совесть не будет беспокоить...

Why do midgets laugh when they run . The grass tickles there balls.

My mate's gambling is getting out of hand.
He's just bet his newborn son in our game of poker.
I thought I might have to raise him.

A friend was complaining his wife never wanted to have sex anymore...l told him if your wife can't be your right hand let your right hand be your wife...

Chuck Norris scored a touchdown in basketball

If you realize that the writing's on the wall, you're probably in a public bathroom.

I will kiss you anywhere you want.
Except in Belgium.

I've found that nowadays most people don't like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don't know them.

-Los leñadores bailan muy bien.
-Tú que sabes.
-Son expertos en mover el tronco.

Its sad when people cant admit their faults. I would if I had any...

My wife asked me "what's the most annoying thing I do?" like I'm dumb enough to answer that question.

You're not fat, you're padded for extra comfort.

The bus to Idiot Town is here to take you home.

The shoe salesman showed me shoes with Velcro fasteners.
I asked "why Velcro?"
He replied "why knot ?"

Waiting for my next pun about musical instruments?
Stay tuned!!

You can't hurt me.. You're not my wife ...

Therapist: And when you use your dildos in such an unhealthy manner, how do you feel?

Me: With my asshole mostly.

When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99% of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.

“Just got a holiday to that fab place in the Middle East!”

“Dubai?”

“No, won them in a raffle”.

Why is Putin in such a hurry to get into Ukraine?

Because he's always Russian.

"У КАЖДОГО СИФИЛИТИКА - СВОЯ АНАЛИТИКА".