Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

In Ancient Egypt, many children were confused when their daddy became a mummy...

I shot the sheriff but I did not kill the radio star.

Я узнал, что такое большие деньги, когда купил увеличительное стекло.

Old rotary phones were much better equipped to handle drama.

My favourite time of the day is anytime the liquor store isn’t closed.

Went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist. They played jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen... got kicked out after that one.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

"Quality is not an act, it is a habit."
• Aristotle

- А знаете ли Ви, Давид Маркович, шо женщины тратят таки на свою косметику больше, чем страна на вооружение?
- Таки да… Но они и побед больше одерживают!

Me: I'd like to open one of those joint accounts please.
Bank: With whom?
Me: Whomever has lots of money.

I was terrible at spelling when I was at school.
Brilliant at jografy though.

Nobody is perfect.
The trick is picking the imperfections you can live with.

Snow White. Can't say fairer than that.

We are expecting such a cold Winter, the Squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual.
So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.

I was telling a joke and sneezed, everyone thought that was the joke!
.
but it snot...

The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I fart in my sleep...

I was such an unlikeable child that even my imaginary friend talked about me behind my back.

- Мань, представляешь... У Федьки член прямо железный!
- Да ты что?!
- Да! На морозе лизнула - язык прилип!

The awkward moment when you answer a question that was supposed to be rhetorical.

I have a joke about NFTs but it's ridiculously overrated.

“𝘈𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘰 𝘣𝘦𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘨 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘪𝘱𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘺,
𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘺.”

—𝘌𝘥𝘨𝘢𝘳 𝘈𝘭𝘭𝘢𝘯 𝘗𝘰𝘦

Loads of holidaymakers visit Alcatraz and are duped into buying souvenir handcuffs as it's a two wrist trap.

What do undertakers like playing?
Casketball.

If a vegetarian starts eating meat, do they lose their veg-inity?

Orgasms are important.
Otherwise people wouldn't know when to stop screwing eachother.

Priest to begger: I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job.
Beggar: I beg to differ.

—Vengo en son de paz.
—¿Y ese palo?
—Por si acaso.

—Quiero pasar el resto de mi vida junto a ti.
—Entonces no lo llames vida.

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume.

me: yes that's when i didn't have a job.

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, television, and tell a woman.

I was on the toilet, angry, and late for work. I thought, I don’t have time for this shit.

I just dropped a box of berries on my foot,
now I cranberry walk.

I was picking up dog poo in the park this morning and thought to myself...
I should really get a dog.

QUESTION: Why is there no letter "w" in the word "one", but there is a "w" in the word "two" and we don't use it?

I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts.
It's called:

"Leave me the fuh cologne."

Have you ever visited friends and turned the toilet paper around?

Which wine pairs best with telling my coworkers to fuck off ?

—Doctor, ¿cómo sabe que es cáncer?
—Porque nací entre el 21 de junio y el 22 de julio.
—Ah, claro.

Call me Barrack cause imma spend this valentines Obama self.

Hospital staff can be funny. They can leave you in stitches. Needle-ess to say they can be pricks. They can even have a music group: Band Aid. The cast is quite good, you can autograph them. Staff include: Tess Tube, Steph.R.Scope, Matt Rick Ingle a.k.a MRI, Dr X. Ray.

Me: What's wrong?
Wife: You're not supposed to say you have a favorite child.
Me: Everyone does secretly. Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours.

I'm making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.
We're currently filming the pilot.

I was invited to the Premature Ejaculation Society’s Dinner. I asked what the dress code was and told to just come in my pants.

My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.

Reminder: If it costs you your peace, it’s too expensive.

These days I think a lot about the hereafter,I go to places in the house and then think what am I "here after"!

Choose the discomfort of discipline over the pain of regret.
Regret costs too much.

I was helping my dad with construction, he told me to get the hammer, but I accidentally gave him the drill. He said I could have nailed it, but I screwed up.

I was in a liquor store and the owner asked me: Do you need help? I said: Yes, but I’ll have a bottle of whisky instead.

I was gonna ask which Nirvana album was the best but then I thought.... Nevermind.

«У России только два союзника: шарфик и табакерка»

My girlfriend wants to get married. I hope she finds a nice guy.

I've donated my sperm to the lesbian couple across the road and I'm sure the baby will be special.
It is hand made after all.

I’m in prison for something I didn’t do. I didn’t get away with it.

If your relationship fails, don't blame her. It takes two people to mess up a relationship.
Blame her and her mother.

My girlfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of her Honda Civic...

But if I'm gonna have sex, it's going to be on my own Accord.

I was gonna throw all my socks away,
.
but I got cold feet.

I'm working on making my 2nd million dollars. I gave up on the 1st million.

Although training for marathons is very, VERY grueling, it DEFINITELY pays off in the..long run.

I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares. It’s nice to have some company.

I was feeling bad about the future today, but then I installed the new version of office.

It improved my outlook.

-Cariño, siempre te quedas dormida cuando hacemos el amor.
-Eso es porque confio en tí.

You won't have to pee after sex if you pee during it.

Is American pi different from regular pi? Asking for my circle of friends.

Change is hard.
Ever tried to bend a coin?

If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.

— Сарочка, ви давно курите?
— Изя, 25 лет...
— Вы в 5 начали?
— Вообще-то мне 42...
— Прекрасно выглядите!
— А это уже алкоголь, Изечка!

If u need money or any financial help, feel free to text me, we’ll beg together.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought: Wow this is ledge n dairy.

Just finished designing a website for an orphanage.
There isn't a home Page.

I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

— Boston, tenemos un problema.
— Se dice Houston.
— Boston, tenemos un Houston.

I like my women like my toilet seats: clean (and the kind that go down easy)

FUN Fact:
Brad Pitt is related to Barack Obama. They are ninth cousins.

I was asked to leave Dennys after asking if the farmers omelet contained real farmers...

—Camarero, este vino está picado.
—Algo le habrás dicho.

I was asked in a interview, describe your life in a nutshell...
Well its very dark and cramped.

Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.