Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.

I tried it and my goldfish died.

FUN Fact:
The television was invented before sliced bread.

The bomb failed to ignite, and the police worked to get the suspect to surrender, but he kept “ re-fusing”.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.
These of course, are only round figures.

Im not drunk.

- Everyone when they’re drunk

The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.

Разговаривают две подруги:
- Слушай, я в метро первым делом смотрю на правую руку мужчин - это уже возраст?
- Нет, возраст - это когда ты первым делом смотришь, где в вагоне свободное место.

How to establish dominance on a first date:
Change the radio station immediately after getting in your date’s vehicle.

What did the suspenders say to the pants?
What's up britches!?

I wonder if Nomads ever get angry?

"The best revenge is massive success."

• Frank Sinatra

Top Tip: If you ever find yourself being strangled to death, make the most of it and have a wank.

Под самым красивым павлиньим хвостом всегда находится самая обычная куриная жопа.

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

Times Square.

There was a strike at the bowling pin factory.

I stopped my origami classes.

There was too much paperwork.

CHUCK NORRIS BUILT ROME IN A DAY.

Me: I stand here staring into the great abyss with fear and trepidation wondering about…..

My wife: we having sex or what?

Chuck Norris first job was selling ice to Eskimos.

-Su hijo necesita refuerzos positivos para mejorar su autoestima.
-¿Has oído lo que dice tu profesora, tonto de los cojones?

-Buenos días, ¿Cómo estás?
-Hola, prefiero no contarte.
-¿Por qué?
-Porque si lo hago, luego tendré que preguntar como estás tú, y no me importa.

Thinking of changing my name to G Spot, at least i know men won't find me.

Accidentally put Viagra in my ear......now I'm hard of hearing.

Доктор пациенту:
- Не волнуйтесь, эрекция при массаже простаты - это нормально.
- Но у меня нет эрекции!
- Да это я про себя...

“Hey, babe. How would you like a backstage pass to The Magic Flute?”

- Mozart’s favorite pickup line.

My boss: my door is always open.

(Me creeping quietly out the office toilet).

- Господа, сколько раз я просил: если играете на похоронах, то хотя бы лица делайте грустные. Лев Моисеевич, это касается Вас в первую очередь! Да, и почему Вы в ладоши хлопали?
- Я тарелки дома забыл!

Eye doctor: Your results aren't good.
Me: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: Probably not.

Scientists say it maybe possible to live on Mars.
Tried it for two months, gained a stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes.

The hardest part of a business, is minding your own.

Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.

Me: Honey, let's play doctor.
My wife: OK, I'll be the doctor.
Me: OK.
Wife: You owe me $3200.

The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

"To be normal is the ultimate aim of the unsuccessful."

- Carl Jung

How do you make a candle burn longer? You can't, they burn shorter.

Life Tip: if someone comes out of a toilet sweating, do not go in that toilet.

Dear autocorrect,
thats not what i was trying to say.

Im getting tired of ur shirt.

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.

Повторение — мать удовлетворения.

Those who don't know browser history are doomed to re-Google it.

A Russian invasion sounds scary, but at least we'll get to hear what the Russian Beatles sound like.

- Mataría por tener tu tipo.
- Con dieta y ejercicio tú también puedes conseguirlo.
- Prefiero matar.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling.

- Алё, кто это?
- А вам кто нужен?
- Ну кто-нибудь...
- Это я.

I went to the counter at McDonalds to tell them there was something wrong with my Big Mac.

Cashier: What seems to be the issue?

I hold up the sandwich and the buns move like lips and sing: ‘Listen to the wind bloooow’

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We accidentally made you a Fleetwood Mac.

—Bienvenidos al curso para encontrar tu camino.
—¿DÓNDE ESTÁ EL BAÑO?

I'd do a Socialism joke, but I don't want to put a Marx on my back.

FUN Fact:
There's a species of fish named the "slippery dick."

I wonder what happens when the doctor's wife eats an apple a day ?

I'm not undressing you with my thoughts...
I'm just baring you in mind...

The BRAIN ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.

My search history is all stupid questions I was afraid of asking other people.

FUN Fact:
New York is the most destroyed city in movie history.

A guy checked out my ass today; he’s a gastroenterologist, but it still counts.

FUN Fact:
The word "listen" has the same letters as the word "silent".

I went into an electrical shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle?

The guy said, Kenwood?

I said, Where is he then?

Did you hear about the farsighted turtle that fell in love with an army helmet?

I went into an Apple store and farted. Everyone started glaring at me. I said: What? It’s not my fault you don’t have windows!

FUN Fact:
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

На международном музыкальном конкурсе слабовидящий шотландский волынщик два часа дудел в бобра.

—¡Me estás llevando a la ruina!
—Claro, somos arqueólogos.
—Ah, sí, calla.

—¿Vienes esta noche a una orgía?
—¿Cuántos sois?
—De momento yo.

FUN Fact:
You're the only person who's heard everything you've ever said.

How do dog catchers get paid?
By the pound!

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue. I was surprised.

Australians usually boo meringue...

" If you're a giver, remember to learn your limits. Because the takers don't have any..."

My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

In Ancient Egypt, many children were confused when their daddy became a mummy...

I shot the sheriff but I did not kill the radio star.

Я узнал, что такое большие деньги, когда купил увеличительное стекло.

Old rotary phones were much better equipped to handle drama.

My favourite time of the day is anytime the liquor store isn’t closed.

Went to a disco last night. They played the twist, I did the twist. They played jump, I jumped. They played Come on Eileen... got kicked out after that one.

A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.

"Quality is not an act, it is a habit."
• Aristotle

- А знаете ли Ви, Давид Маркович, шо женщины тратят таки на свою косметику больше, чем страна на вооружение?
- Таки да… Но они и побед больше одерживают!

Me: I'd like to open one of those joint accounts please.
Bank: With whom?
Me: Whomever has lots of money.

I was terrible at spelling when I was at school.
Brilliant at jografy though.

Nobody is perfect.
The trick is picking the imperfections you can live with.

Snow White. Can't say fairer than that.