Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Hans "It's often said we Germans have no sense of humour."
Klaus "Haha, isn't that funny!"
Hans "I don't know. Is it?"

My wife told me I was incapable of http://multitasking. So I got drunk and embarrassed her at the same time.

Just found out how the Red Sea got its name. Cleopatra used to swim in it…… Periodically.

— Сёма, ты совершенно бесхарактерный. Я от тебя ухожу...
— Сонечка, я с тобой!

A friend was in a band called the Powdered Potatoes. They had a smash hit.

—Eres muy optimista, sólo te he dado un like.
—¿Entonces no nos casamos?

— Estoy ansioso de que llegue el día de San Valentín.
— ¿Estás enamorado?
— Soy florista.

Prayer is like masturbation, it makes you feel good but does absolutely nothing for the person you're thinkin about.

Продавщица секс-шопа Роза Абрамовна наладила свою сексуальную жизнь, научившись залезать в резиновую женщину.

I wonder if Jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish...

FUN Fact:
Farting helps reduce high blood pressure and is good for your health.

Reincarnation is making a come back.

People who make sound while eating food must be slapped without asking why.

Apparently 30% of owners let their pet sleep in their bed.

I tried it and my goldfish died.

FUN Fact:
The television was invented before sliced bread.

The bomb failed to ignite, and the police worked to get the suspect to surrender, but he kept “ re-fusing”.

Doctors tell us there are over seven million people who are overweight.
These of course, are only round figures.

Im not drunk.

- Everyone when they’re drunk

The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.

Разговаривают две подруги:
- Слушай, я в метро первым делом смотрю на правую руку мужчин - это уже возраст?
- Нет, возраст - это когда ты первым делом смотришь, где в вагоне свободное место.

How to establish dominance on a first date:
Change the radio station immediately after getting in your date’s vehicle.

What did the suspenders say to the pants?
What's up britches!?

I wonder if Nomads ever get angry?

"The best revenge is massive success."

• Frank Sinatra

Top Tip: If you ever find yourself being strangled to death, make the most of it and have a wank.

Под самым красивым павлиньим хвостом всегда находится самая обычная куриная жопа.

Where do math teachers go on vacation?

Times Square.

There was a strike at the bowling pin factory.

I stopped my origami classes.

There was too much paperwork.

CHUCK NORRIS BUILT ROME IN A DAY.

Me: I stand here staring into the great abyss with fear and trepidation wondering about…..

My wife: we having sex or what?

Chuck Norris first job was selling ice to Eskimos.

-Su hijo necesita refuerzos positivos para mejorar su autoestima.
-¿Has oído lo que dice tu profesora, tonto de los cojones?

-Buenos días, ¿Cómo estás?
-Hola, prefiero no contarte.
-¿Por qué?
-Porque si lo hago, luego tendré que preguntar como estás tú, y no me importa.

Thinking of changing my name to G Spot, at least i know men won't find me.

Accidentally put Viagra in my ear......now I'm hard of hearing.

Доктор пациенту:
- Не волнуйтесь, эрекция при массаже простаты - это нормально.
- Но у меня нет эрекции!
- Да это я про себя...

“Hey, babe. How would you like a backstage pass to The Magic Flute?”

- Mozart’s favorite pickup line.

My boss: my door is always open.

(Me creeping quietly out the office toilet).

- Господа, сколько раз я просил: если играете на похоронах, то хотя бы лица делайте грустные. Лев Моисеевич, это касается Вас в первую очередь! Да, и почему Вы в ладоши хлопали?
- Я тарелки дома забыл!

Eye doctor: Your results aren't good.
Me: Can I see them?
Eye doctor: Probably not.

Scientists say it maybe possible to live on Mars.
Tried it for two months, gained a stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes.

The hardest part of a business, is minding your own.

Call me old fashioned but I prefer women with eyebrows made out of hair.

Me: Honey, let's play doctor.
My wife: OK, I'll be the doctor.
Me: OK.
Wife: You owe me $3200.

The good thing about having a bad memory is that jokes can be funny more than once.

"To be normal is the ultimate aim of the unsuccessful."

- Carl Jung

How do you make a candle burn longer? You can't, they burn shorter.

Life Tip: if someone comes out of a toilet sweating, do not go in that toilet.

Dear autocorrect,
thats not what i was trying to say.

Im getting tired of ur shirt.

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.

Повторение — мать удовлетворения.

Those who don't know browser history are doomed to re-Google it.

A Russian invasion sounds scary, but at least we'll get to hear what the Russian Beatles sound like.

- Mataría por tener tu tipo.
- Con dieta y ejercicio tú también puedes conseguirlo.
- Prefiero matar.

America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?

Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling.

- Алё, кто это?
- А вам кто нужен?
- Ну кто-нибудь...
- Это я.

I went to the counter at McDonalds to tell them there was something wrong with my Big Mac.

Cashier: What seems to be the issue?

I hold up the sandwich and the buns move like lips and sing: ‘Listen to the wind bloooow’

Cashier: Sorry, sir. We accidentally made you a Fleetwood Mac.

—Bienvenidos al curso para encontrar tu camino.
—¿DÓNDE ESTÁ EL BAÑO?

I'd do a Socialism joke, but I don't want to put a Marx on my back.

FUN Fact:
There's a species of fish named the "slippery dick."

I wonder what happens when the doctor's wife eats an apple a day ?

I'm not undressing you with my thoughts...
I'm just baring you in mind...

The BRAIN ? Forgets what I want to remember, Remembers what I want to forget.

My search history is all stupid questions I was afraid of asking other people.

FUN Fact:
New York is the most destroyed city in movie history.

A guy checked out my ass today; he’s a gastroenterologist, but it still counts.

FUN Fact:
The word "listen" has the same letters as the word "silent".

I went into an electrical shop and I said, Can someone sell me a kettle?

The guy said, Kenwood?

I said, Where is he then?

Did you hear about the farsighted turtle that fell in love with an army helmet?

I went into an Apple store and farted. Everyone started glaring at me. I said: What? It’s not my fault you don’t have windows!

FUN Fact:
Charlie Chaplin once won third prize in a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest.

На международном музыкальном конкурсе слабовидящий шотландский волынщик два часа дудел в бобра.

—¡Me estás llevando a la ruina!
—Claro, somos arqueólogos.
—Ah, sí, calla.

—¿Vienes esta noche a una orgía?
—¿Cuántos sois?
—De momento yo.

FUN Fact:
You're the only person who's heard everything you've ever said.

How do dog catchers get paid?
By the pound!

I was watching an Australian cooking show and the audience applauded when the chef made a meringue. I was surprised.

Australians usually boo meringue...

" If you're a giver, remember to learn your limits. Because the takers don't have any..."

My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.