Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

"I almost wish I hadn’t gone down the rabbit hole–and yet–and yet–it’s rather curious, you know, this sort of life!"
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
Lewis Carroll

—¿Nivel de inglés?
—Alto.
—Traduzca "pájaro".
—Bird.
—Úselo en una frase.
—Hapy bird day to you, hapy bird day to you!
—¡Contratado!

Все было в общем-то неплохо, пока не стали улучшать.

That awkward moment when you change your facebook status to SINGLE and your ex likes it.

It doesn’t matter how the cookie crumbles, as long as it tastes good.

The distance between insanity and genius is measured only by success.

That awkward moment when you accidentally answer a call you were trying to ignore.

I took my car in for a service the other day it is still stuck inside the church doors.

Shouldn't kids suffering from ADHD be sent to Concentration Camps?

I'm watching Jaws.
I shouldn't really call her that, but she never shuts her fucking mouth.

Are you sure we're not allowed to hit stupid people ?

When you're not their cup of tea but you see them drinking all the other teas.

— Моня! Всё кончено! Я ухожу от тебя!
— Софа, а давай приляжем на дорожку?

"Does your new boyfriend dress like a gentleman?"

"I don't know, I haven't seen him dress."

Mick Jagger has formed a new band which only play songs inspired by Harry Potter. They’re called The Rowling Stones.

A train track and a motorway walk into a bar. The train track says “a pint for me, please, and one for the road”.

I told my wife that a husband ages like wine. We get better with age. Then she locked me in the cellar.

I told my psychiatrist I felt like a dog. He told me to get off the couch.

"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I told my friend about my boating accident.
He asked me if l was in the boat when the boat tipped over.
I told him no, l was in the water...

Don't believe everything you overthink.

LIFE is like a chocolate box. Just get your own, and stay away from mine!

Hi everyone, I just want to say two things.

1. Things
2. Things

My Girlfriend keeps asking me if i'm happy with the Bed of Nails that she bought for me.
I'm not going to lie.

2 lesbian frogs. One says to the other.."gees we really do taste like chicken "

The sailors couldn't play cards.
The Captain was sitting on deck.

"It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change."
- Charles Darwin

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, But dad, your name is Brian. I said, I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.

— Ой, Сёма, как я рад, шо так давно тебя не видел!

And then there was the time Fruit of the Loom took Hanes to court. It was a...

...brief case.

I will always love you.

ˢᵒᵐᵉ ʳᵘˡᵉˢ ᵃⁿᵈ ʳᵉˢᵗʳᶦᶜᵗᶦᵒⁿˢ ᵐᵃʸ ᵃᵖᵖˡʸ

When a cop tells you to “spread ‘em” he is not flirting.
I know this now.

You should always tip your waiter

I told mine to stay in school and don't do drugs.

I tied all my spaghetti together last night when I was drunk. Today I ended up skipping dinner.

Студентка Люся выучила все билеты по логике. И стала мужиком.

I’m not bragging but I made six figures this year, I was named the year’s worst employee at the mannequin factory.

That awkward moment when I'm drunk and you're still ugly...

Woman: whisky barman

Barman: how many fingers?

Woman: let me have a few drinks first..

Happy Birthday to my wife, my lover and sweetheart. How cool is that, all of them were born on the same day!

Why did God invent orgasms for women. So they can still have a fucking moan even when they're enjoying themselves.

That awkward moment when an artist you hate releases a good song.

Platonic relationships are cool and all until someone gets horny.

Bad sex is like bad pizza or bad beer...if you can actually finish it, it's not THAT bad.

Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great.
I know this is too much for some of you,so here is a shortcut: Just think about me.

The world is full of stupid people.
Or, as I usually call them, people.

FUN Fact:
It's ok and "I'm fine" are the two most common lies spoken in the world.

I thought college was going to be a more serious endeavor, but the professor immediately started talking about some silly bus!!

Nothing more painful when you had a fight with your girlfriend and can't tell your wife about it.

My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot.

I asked an astronaut how he blew his nose in space and he told me "snot rocket science, kid."

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GERMAN GYNAECOLOGIST?...................HANS ZUPPERKUNT.

I think my wife sells drugs?

As I was leaving the phone rang.

When I answered it the guy on the other end said has that dope gone yet?

The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological.One is psycho and the other is logical.

I bought Coconut Shampoo today.

But when I got home, I realized I don't even have a coconut.

Tips for great sex.
Eat a good meal before during and after sex.

I used to know a depressed cross-eyed girl. She never looked forward to anything.

Kermit the frog asked miss Piggy to douche with honey and vinegar because he loves sweet and sour pork.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you're talking about.

Save time on laundry by spending all your time naked.

magician: i'm sorry for sawing your donkey in two.

me: i don't accept your half ass apology.

A broom is just an acoustic vacuum.

A friend on Facebook posted this on her newsfeed: 'Do something today that your future self will thank you for'
- So I unfriended her.

Me: Do you know the square root of 81.

German friend: Nein.

Me: Correct! Thank you.

I don't mind paying attention, but I'm Dutch so half of it will have to come from you.

I think its wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Я далеко не дурак. А вблизи — полный идиот.

I've had oysters once, and to be honest with you, that's the exact reason why I've never had oysters twice.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

FUN Fact:
If you sneeze while driving at 60 mph, you may travel 50 feet with your eyes closed, according to a study.

Соня никогда не доверяла евреям, но ведь родителей не выбирают.

Love people, not things. Use things, not people.

You can win the situation by not reacting to it.

've just read yet another '30 places to go before you die' article that has neglected to include 'a hospital'.

Welcome to your 50’s!
You can now hurt yourself yawning.

"Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

My doctor told me it was curtains for me. He lives at the bottom of the garden and doesn’t want to watch me dress anymore.

Respect people who wear glasses... they paid money to see you.

Красна изба не кутежами, а своевременными платежами.

Jesus: And now to turn this wine back into water! No, but seriously, where’s the restroom?

Иногда человек пьёт только потому, что на трезвую голову он не верит в победу добра.