Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I asked an astronaut how he blew his nose in space and he told me "snot rocket science, kid."

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GERMAN GYNAECOLOGIST?...................HANS ZUPPERKUNT.

I think my wife sells drugs?

As I was leaving the phone rang.

When I answered it the guy on the other end said has that dope gone yet?

The relationship between a husband and wife is psychological.One is psycho and the other is logical.

I bought Coconut Shampoo today.

But when I got home, I realized I don't even have a coconut.

Tips for great sex.
Eat a good meal before during and after sex.

I used to know a depressed cross-eyed girl. She never looked forward to anything.

Kermit the frog asked miss Piggy to douche with honey and vinegar because he loves sweet and sour pork.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you're talking about.

Save time on laundry by spending all your time naked.

magician: i'm sorry for sawing your donkey in two.

me: i don't accept your half ass apology.

A broom is just an acoustic vacuum.

A friend on Facebook posted this on her newsfeed: 'Do something today that your future self will thank you for'
- So I unfriended her.

Me: Do you know the square root of 81.

German friend: Nein.

Me: Correct! Thank you.

I don't mind paying attention, but I'm Dutch so half of it will have to come from you.

I think its wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

Я далеко не дурак. А вблизи — полный идиот.

I've had oysters once, and to be honest with you, that's the exact reason why I've never had oysters twice.

Boss: Did you get my email?

Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.

FUN Fact:
If you sneeze while driving at 60 mph, you may travel 50 feet with your eyes closed, according to a study.

Соня никогда не доверяла евреям, но ведь родителей не выбирают.

Love people, not things. Use things, not people.

You can win the situation by not reacting to it.

've just read yet another '30 places to go before you die' article that has neglected to include 'a hospital'.

Welcome to your 50’s!
You can now hurt yourself yawning.

"Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

My doctor told me it was curtains for me. He lives at the bottom of the garden and doesn’t want to watch me dress anymore.

Respect people who wear glasses... they paid money to see you.

Красна изба не кутежами, а своевременными платежами.

Jesus: And now to turn this wine back into water! No, but seriously, where’s the restroom?

Иногда человек пьёт только потому, что на трезвую голову он не верит в победу добра.

Dentist: open up
me: sometimes life gets lonely man.

I suddenly understood a joke that I read the other day. I had an epifunny.

I told her I wanted to take a picture with the dog,
She told me to use the camera instead...

"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book"
—Cicero, 43 BCE

Чтобы не перепутать, бабушка одного котенка назвала Барсик, а второго утопила.

— Сколько раз я тебе говорила, что нельзя быть таким дотошным…
— Семь.

FUN Fact:
There are more chickens than people in the world.

Любовь зла — уснул, и уползла.

My favorite part of winter is when its over.

My husband said I had to stop pretending I was butter.
But , I'm on a roll now.

" Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them,
Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't..."

I visited an acupuncturist today.
When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.

- Он обманом склонил меня к сексу!
- Каким образом?
- Сказал, что мне понравится!

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

People are making terrible jokes about Meatloafs death.....
But I won't do that!

Wife got all dressed up and said:
Tonight I'm going to give you super sex.
I said: I'll have the soup!

Him: I love you so much. Her: So much that you would die for me?Him: No
Her: Then what kind of love is that?
Him: Undying Love.

I met a woman at the mall crying, she had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found.
When God blesses you, you must bless others.

You never actually stop clapping, the time between claps just become longer.

I'm trying to decide... laundry today or naked tomorrow?

Today I saw something that reminded me of you.
But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Maturing is realizing her vibrator is your team mate, not your enemy.

I hate people who think I'm a misanthrope almost as much as I hate the idiots who don't realise I really am a misanthrope.

When a pregnant woman goes swimming she is a human submarine.

Have you heard of the band tesla/Edison
They didn't become successful until they changed their name to AC/DC
Their still current.

Volleyball is just professional hot potato.

Two things I am thankful for:
1: Family and friends.
2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.

"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

A woman was out walking her cat.
The cat stepped down off of the curb
and got run over by a bus.

A drunk walks up and asks Hey lady why such a long puss?

Knocking on someone's door is just beating their house until they pay attention to you.

I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today. I guess you can say he was Van Halen.

I saw a guy drop his scrabble letters in a road. I asked him: What’s the word on the street?

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with.

The less you care, the happier you are.

If you see me in public and don't feel like talking...please don't. I don't either.

FUN Fact:
A man is more likely to get a woman’s phone number if he is accompanied by a dog.

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.

I saw a group of neighbors jogging past my house earlier and it really inspired me...

To get up and close the curtains.

I said to the waiter, How long will my spaghetti be?

He said: I don’t know. We never measure it.

Chuck Norris won Wheel of Fortune using numbers.

Chevrolet and Toyota are making a hybrid vehicle. It's a single seater that runs on alternative fuel... It's a Toylet!

Единственные бывшие, о которых я скучаю - это бывшие деньги.

Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

Talk to your doctor to see if shutting the fuck up is right for you.

NO I’M NOT ANGRY. I’M JUST OLD AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF CAPSLOCK ON MY NEW PHONE!

ME: How did you make a spicy ice cream?

WAITER: You're eating the candle.