Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

I admire my dog for having the confidence to poop in public.

I went to the submarine museum today. It was a bit of a dive.

I woke up this morning with a strong sense of déjà vu. That's never happened to me before.

Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal… until the pressure got to him…

Sterility is hereditary.

Абрам молится:
- Господи, если ты сделал так, что я не могу, то сделай так, чтобы и не хотел!

Had make up sex with my girlfriend. I make up scenarios and she says no.

I put some horns on my laptop because it needed more ram!

Яков Моисеевич Рабинович постепенно с грустью начал ощущать, что их постельные битвы с супругой Сарочкой превратились в дружеские встречи ветеранов...

Point to ponder:
I have yet to meet a single person who is happily married.

"The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there."
The Go-Between by L.P. Hartley

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting!

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

The bigger the bouquet the smaller the dick.

Was going to buy a rare spider from a pet shop, then I realised I could pick one up on the web...

I wrote a song about a dachshund. The melody is sweet, but it’s a little long and it drags a bit in the middle.

When Chuck Norris sucks in helium, his voice sounds like Barry White.

I’ve been told there’s an article in the paper about excessive masturbation causing blindness, but I can’t see anything.

I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me the first letter to deliver.

When I looked at it and realized: This isn’t for me.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 30 seconds...

What was Dr. Frankenstein’s new year’s resolution? To make new friends.

I pushed three drums and a cymbal over a cliff then waited for the punchline... Ba - dum - bum - CHING!

I seen a homeless man under the Logan bridge giving himself the Vax. If he can do it, so can you!! Stay safe people.

I tried to pack myself into a small box...
.
I can hardly contain myself.

I predict that the phrase dropping someone off will go out of use once flying cars are mainstream.

My wife bites her lip to look sexy……….

I just don’t have the heart to tell her you’re meant to bite the bottom lip.

If anyone wants to enrich their wealth, please get a copy of the new book on finance out on the market called "HOW TO MAKE MONEY FAST by ROBIN BANKS.

I play triangle for a reggae band.

Its pretty casual.

I just stand at the back and ting.

In the old west, they would mount a lantern on their horse for traveling at night. It was the 1st form of saddle light navigation.

Sometimes I wish there was a backspace key for my mouth.

I gave my friend an apple, and he told me he preferred pears.

So I gave him another apple.

I used to be addicted to prunes. I couldn't go without them.

Relationship (definition): Two people who ask each other what's for dinner until one of them dies.

FUN Fact:
Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world, it is ten times more effective than Valium.

A country peasant rode on a donkey letting his poor wife follow along on foot. A tourist said, "Friend, why is your wife not riding?" The peasant replied sorrowfully, "She has no donkey."

When I was considering entering Med School, I couldn't decide between Neurology and Proctology. I decided to flip a coin: heads or tails.

Watch them play Tetris before you marry them so you know how epic the battles to avoid taking the trash out will be.

The only real mistake is the one from which we learn nothing.
- Henry Ford

"Is your new boyfriend spoiled?"
"No, that's just the cologne he wears."

What are hot dogs called in winter?
Chilly dogs.

Объявление: "Гадалка принимает только по предварительной записи.
Придёшь нежданным - уйдёшь негаданным".

I once accidentally bumped into Bono. He got angry and said: Don’t push me coz I’m close to the Edge.

I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living. He said: Oh, you know.....stuff.

Most couples have chemistry. But others must have mathematics, because they’re full of problems.

I once dated a girl with a twin.
People asked me how I could tell them apart?..
It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a penis.

I once dated a girl with a twin.
People asked me how I could tell them apart?..
It was simple, Jill colored her nails purple and Bob had a penis.

- Раньше ведь оно как было?
- Как?
- Вот именно!А теперь что?
- Что?
- Вот и я говорю.

I never understood why people dislike vegans so much.
I have never had a beef with them.

—911, ¿cuál es la emergencia?
—El teléfono no es ring ring.
—¿Y su corazón no da ton ton?
—Sí.
—Tal vez ya no es su bombón.

Пожарники — веселый народ. Они едут отмочить там, где кто-то отжег.

Unless you work at a carnival, life will never be fair.

I have the body of a car that has its Check Engine light on at all times.

Seven days without exercise is enough to make one weak.

Unless your name is Dr. Martin Luther King Junior I have no desire to hear about your dream.

Blue Monday? Why’d they name Monday after my balls?

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels. She didn’t know I existed.

La dieta de un vegetariano consiste básicamente en querer llamar la atención.

Why do baby chicks say, "Cheep, cheep, cheep"?
They can't say, "Expensive, expensive, expensive."

Social networking is like a club. Twitter is the dance floor, Tumblr is the bar and Facebook is the people crying in the toilets.

Most of our problems are because we act without thinking or we keep thinking without acting.

—Quítese la ropa y acuéstese.
—¡Pero doctor, solo vine por el resultado de los estudios de mi hijo!
—Ese niño ya no sirve. Haremos otro.

Какое самое богатое животное в мире?
Cash a lot.

Me: I don't need to write it down. I'll remember

Narrator: She would not remember. In fact, she immediately forgot what it even was.

As an IT person, I rarely know how to fix your issue… I’m just better at Google than you are.

Сёма, почему Сарочка на тебя дуется?
— Ой вэй, вчера принёс ей платье. Она говорит: "Дурак, это никто не носит".
— Ну и что?
— Сегодня, таки, принёс другое, так она говорит: "Идиёт, это же носят все!"

Any place can be a drive-thru if your brakes don't work.

There’s never a bath and a toaster when you need one.

My favorite part of getting older is waking up with a hangover even though you didn’t drink the night before.

If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?

So happy to be married, I hated all those questions after 1-night stands. Who are you, where am I, why am I tied up?

FUN Fact:
Koalas sleep for 22 hours a day.

Lou Bega has been arrested after human remains were found in a local park.
The Police say they found a little bit of Erica by the Slide.

Chuck Norris once drowned a man on a pool table!

Праздник без водки, что паспорт без фотки.

FUN Fact:
Ice Cream actually makes your body warmer due to the fat content.

Twitter 69 - you retweet me, I'll retweet you.

"Life is a balance between holding on and letting go."
- Rumi

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

Бесит, когда ты устал и хочешь прилечь, но ты уже лежишь.