Jokes and Puns: Lighten up your day!

Dentist: open up
me: sometimes life gets lonely man.

I suddenly understood a joke that I read the other day. I had an epifunny.

I told her I wanted to take a picture with the dog,
She told me to use the camera instead...

"Times are bad. Children no longer obey their parents and everyone is writing a book"
—Cicero, 43 BCE

Чтобы не перепутать, бабушка одного котенка назвала Барсик, а второго утопила.

— Сколько раз я тебе говорила, что нельзя быть таким дотошным…
— Семь.

FUN Fact:
There are more chickens than people in the world.

Любовь зла — уснул, и уползла.

My favorite part of winter is when its over.

My husband said I had to stop pretending I was butter.
But , I'm on a roll now.

" Remember when people had diaries and got mad when someone read them,
Now they put everything online and get mad when people don't..."

I visited an acupuncturist today.
When I got home, my voodoo doll was dead.

- Он обманом склонил меня к сексу!
- Каким образом?
- Сказал, что мне понравится!

Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.

People are making terrible jokes about Meatloafs death.....
But I won't do that!

Wife got all dressed up and said:
Tonight I'm going to give you super sex.
I said: I'll have the soup!

Him: I love you so much. Her: So much that you would die for me?Him: No
Her: Then what kind of love is that?
Him: Undying Love.

I met a woman at the mall crying, she had lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found.
When God blesses you, you must bless others.

You never actually stop clapping, the time between claps just become longer.

I'm trying to decide... laundry today or naked tomorrow?

Today I saw something that reminded me of you.
But don't worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Maturing is realizing her vibrator is your team mate, not your enemy.

I hate people who think I'm a misanthrope almost as much as I hate the idiots who don't realise I really am a misanthrope.

When a pregnant woman goes swimming she is a human submarine.

Have you heard of the band tesla/Edison
They didn't become successful until they changed their name to AC/DC
Their still current.

Volleyball is just professional hot potato.

Two things I am thankful for:
1: Family and friends.
2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.

"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

A woman was out walking her cat.
The cat stepped down off of the curb
and got run over by a bus.

A drunk walks up and asks Hey lady why such a long puss?

Knocking on someone's door is just beating their house until they pay attention to you.

I saw a guy flagging down a taxi van today. I guess you can say he was Van Halen.

I saw a guy drop his scrabble letters in a road. I asked him: What’s the word on the street?

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with.

The less you care, the happier you are.

If you see me in public and don't feel like talking...please don't. I don't either.

FUN Fact:
A man is more likely to get a woman’s phone number if he is accompanied by a dog.

If people winked in real life as much as they do in texts, the world would be a really creepy place.

I saw a group of neighbors jogging past my house earlier and it really inspired me...

To get up and close the curtains.

I said to the waiter, How long will my spaghetti be?

He said: I don’t know. We never measure it.

Chuck Norris won Wheel of Fortune using numbers.

Chevrolet and Toyota are making a hybrid vehicle. It's a single seater that runs on alternative fuel... It's a Toylet!

Единственные бывшие, о которых я скучаю - это бывшие деньги.

Answer your phone "Hello you're on the air" and 99% of the time people will just hang up.

My wife says she loves to be wooed so now whenever we have date night I have to dress up as a ghost.

Talk to your doctor to see if shutting the fuck up is right for you.

NO I’M NOT ANGRY. I’M JUST OLD AND DON’T KNOW HOW TO TURN OFF CAPSLOCK ON MY NEW PHONE!

ME: How did you make a spicy ice cream?

WAITER: You're eating the candle.

I admire my dog for having the confidence to poop in public.

I went to the submarine museum today. It was a bit of a dive.

I woke up this morning with a strong sense of déjà vu. That's never happened to me before.

Neil Diamond used to be called Neil Coal… until the pressure got to him…

Sterility is hereditary.

Абрам молится:
- Господи, если ты сделал так, что я не могу, то сделай так, чтобы и не хотел!

Had make up sex with my girlfriend. I make up scenarios and she says no.

I put some horns on my laptop because it needed more ram!

Яков Моисеевич Рабинович постепенно с грустью начал ощущать, что их постельные битвы с супругой Сарочкой превратились в дружеские встречи ветеранов...

Point to ponder:
I have yet to meet a single person who is happily married.

"The past is a foreign country: they do things differently there."
The Go-Between by L.P. Hartley

I don't always go the extra mile, but when I do it's because I missed my exit.

Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting!

I have 2 unwritten rules.

1.

2.

The bigger the bouquet the smaller the dick.

Was going to buy a rare spider from a pet shop, then I realised I could pick one up on the web...

I wrote a song about a dachshund. The melody is sweet, but it’s a little long and it drags a bit in the middle.

When Chuck Norris sucks in helium, his voice sounds like Barry White.

I’ve been told there’s an article in the paper about excessive masturbation causing blindness, but I can’t see anything.

I quit my job as a mailman when they handed me the first letter to deliver.

When I looked at it and realized: This isn’t for me.

I once had a goldfish that could break-dance on a carpet, but only for like 30 seconds...

What was Dr. Frankenstein’s new year’s resolution? To make new friends.

I pushed three drums and a cymbal over a cliff then waited for the punchline... Ba - dum - bum - CHING!

I seen a homeless man under the Logan bridge giving himself the Vax. If he can do it, so can you!! Stay safe people.

I tried to pack myself into a small box...
.
I can hardly contain myself.

I predict that the phrase dropping someone off will go out of use once flying cars are mainstream.

My wife bites her lip to look sexy……….

I just don’t have the heart to tell her you’re meant to bite the bottom lip.

If anyone wants to enrich their wealth, please get a copy of the new book on finance out on the market called "HOW TO MAKE MONEY FAST by ROBIN BANKS.

I play triangle for a reggae band.

Its pretty casual.

I just stand at the back and ting.

In the old west, they would mount a lantern on their horse for traveling at night. It was the 1st form of saddle light navigation.

Sometimes I wish there was a backspace key for my mouth.