Hilarious Family Jokes for All Ages | Share Laughter Today!

MY AUNT LEFT ME 200 CLOCKS IN HER WILL, IM STILL "WINDING" UP HER ESTATE!!

One of my ancestors was a champion cheese shredder.

I think it was my, grate, grate, grate Grandfather.

I'm jealous of my parents...
I'll never have a kid as cool as them.

We are expecting such a cold Winter, the Squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual.
So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.

Me: What's wrong?
Wife: You're not supposed to say you have a favorite child.
Me: Everyone does secretly. Wife: Well it should at least be one of ours.

I was helping my dad with construction, he told me to get the hammer, but I accidentally gave him the drill. He said I could have nailed it, but I screwed up.

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

"What's your new baby brother's name?"
"I don't know. I can't understand a word he says."

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that its perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but hes still making fun of me.

Two things I am thankful for:
1: Family and friends.
2: Caller ID, so I can avoid certain family and friends.

Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with.

My mother is from Iceland and my father is from Cuba. I am an ICE-CUBE.

My folks got me from an adoption agency in Stockholm. I was a Swede little boy.

Every child is trained by their parents for a world that is one generation out of date.

I heard my son say his first words to me today...
Where have you been in the past 20 years?

My Grandma was 80% Irish

People called her Iris.

Parenting is missing your kids when they’re asleep, and missing your sanity when they’re awake.

My son’s fourth birthday was today, but when he came to see me I didn’t recognize him at first.
I’d never seen him be 4.

Live every day like it's your last.

Always leave your family upset and in tears.

My son told me he could see the future. So I punched him in the face. -Guess you're not very good at it.

Me: Go to bed. It's 9 o'clock.
Kids: But its vacation!
Me: It's my vacation, too. Go to bed.

God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

Friend told me my wife and daughter look like they could be twins!

I replied: Well they were separated at birth...

Dad: As I get older, I realize I hate taking the kids to the playground. There so much screaming and yelling.

Mom: Kids do love screaming.

Dad: I’m talking about me!

Welcome to parenthood, your kid will now sing songs like "poop there it is" while eating breakfast.

Ninety percent of visiting my relatives on holidays is just moving my car because I’m blocking someone who needs out.

I'm jealous of my parents because I'll never have a kid as cool as theirs.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

My grand-daughter asked me for a pet spider for Christmas. I went to our local pet shop and they were charging $70.
Forget it, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.

If evolution is fact, why do mothers only have two hands?

When my son was born, I knew that I would love him forever, with a slight break between 12 and 21.

I try to donate to charity, but they keep bringing my kids back.

The way you make a family is not family-friendly.

I'm planning my family holiday get-togethers, what wine pairs well with vigorous eye-rolling?

I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
I'm very much the 'Sun He Never Had'.

Q: What do you call a nun who just passed her bar exam?
A: A Sister-In-Law

I would be such an amazing, patient mother if it weren't for all these kids.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

My nephew asked me to explain women to him.

I gave him a Rubik's Cube with one side missing.

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like. It was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato!

One of my sons is a red head. He works at a bakery making buns, rolls, and breads. When people ask him what he does, he replies, “I’m a gingerbread man.”

Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.

Horror movies don't scare me. But eight missed calls from my mom does.

My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.

My true power as a mother comes from being the household candy dealer.

We didn't notice my brother was a helium addict until one day when we went to his house and he was stuck to the ceiling.
That's when we realised he'd let himself go.

I'm the Prince of Darkness in the sense I turn out all the lights my kids leave on

My mother said one man’s trash is another man’s treasure.
Turns out I’m adopted.

Just found out that one of my twins has the other listed in his phone contacts as Spare Parts.

Familiarity breeds children.

I have asked my kids millions of times not to exaggerate!

My daughter treats me like a god, she doesn't think i exist until she wants something.

You can't buy happiness, but you can pay a babysitter which is essentially the same thing.

Once I told my son, "You need to learn patience,
and you need to learn it right now!"

mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge would you do it too?

me: w
h
a
a
a
a
t

Condoms are just like parents...they are there to protect you, but usually it's more fun when they're not around.

Children are natural mimics. They act like their parents in spite of every attempt to teach them good manners.

The Doctor told me if I had a
vasectomy I wouldn’t have kids, so I went for it.
So disappointed when I got home and they were still there.

The toddler was crying and upset that mommy got her orange juice instead of purple.
The poor child must of had grape expectations.

By the time you realize, what your parents said was RIGHT You'll have kids who begin to think you're WRONG.

So when I was little, we were so poor that on my 6th birthday, my mum put 3 candles on a cake and stuck it in front of a mirror.

Whenever my kids questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind them that I'm older than the Internet.

“Dad, I failed my test.”
“Well, I think it’s time to get your eyes checked.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I’m your mom.”

Best time to give advice to children is while they're young enough to believe you know what you're talking about.

My Dad abandoned me at a Country House when I was a child. It's no wonder I ended up developing National Trust issues.

My daughter’s hamster escaped from its cage last night so I spent 4 hours looking for it. No luck though, he definitely wasn’t in the pub.

Husband: Wow, I never thought our son would go that far!
Wife: Yeah, the catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.

The reason grandchildren and grandparents get along so well is because they have a common “enemy”.

I know how it is going to end.

One of my kids will unplug my life support machine to charge their phone.

When you're a kid, you don't realize you're also watching your parents grow up.

Before I got married I had 6 theories about raising children. Now I have 6 children and no theories!

My son tied his first rope today.
Looked at him and told him "Knot bad son."

Son: Why do you call Dad 'Slinky'?
Mom: Well, he's not good for much but I can't help but smile when he falls down the stairs.

I grew up with 6 sisters. That's how I learned to dance...waiting for the bathroom.

When you are no longer covered by your parents health insurance, it means that your manufacturer’s warranty has expired.

Woman sends a SMS asking her mother-in-law: “If a child is sick all over himself and his bed, who is responsible for cleaning him up?”
The mother-in-law messages back: “Well, obviously the mother!”
So the woman responds , “OK: your son is drunk and sick everywhere, please hurry.”

I didn't receive payment for a roofing job I did so I went back and took it down.
My daughter might be upset about her dolls house but lets hope she's learnt a valuable lesson.

My mom claimed that she once knitted a twenty-foot long scarf, but I think it sounds like quite a yarn.

My father would beat me with a bunch of flowers, he used
violets against me.

I asked my parents if I was adopted,
they said yes but they sent you back.