Hilarious Family Jokes for All Ages | Share Laughter Today!

These pills must be my mother's sister’s
...they're Auntie Biotics !

My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today.
I learned a lot.
For example, apparently I have two kids.

My family is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get but you can be sure there are gonna be some nuts in there somewhere.

I asked my mother why I’m such a fast sprinter, she said it runs in the family.

I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I'm still looking for ideas.

My uncle has died and apparently left me a large property. Does anyone know where Bugger Hall is ?

My dad said if he practiced yoga long enough he could pick up a pencil with his toes.
He then proudly mentioned he would be writing footnotes.

My wife asked if our kids were spoiled. I said, “ I think most kids smell that way. “

Being in quarantine with a talkative child is like having an insane parrot glued to your shoulder.

My mother's sister is with child. Is she expectaunt or pregnaunt?

Most of my family are police marksman, so it was a surprise my brother became a armed robber, at least he died surrounded by his family...

How do you help your female sibling?
A sister.

Having children is like having hobos in your home.
"Can I have a dollar?!?"
"I only have one shoe!!"

So a man goes up to his son and says, "Son, is there any chance that you can help me write the words to go in my will?"
Son: "No problem dad, just leave everything to me".

Bought my son a giant rechargable lightbulb for his birthday....
When he opened it you should have seen his little face light up .

What Superpower do you get when you become a parent?
Supervision.

Not sure why my wife is only mad at me, our 4 year old forgot her birthday too.

Told my family that I am in a relation with a married woman. Kids are ok with it, wife is ok with it and everyone is happy.

My young niece has started dressing like a crescent moon all the time, but we think it’s just a phase.

I told my daughter she was giving me a headache. She replied: For complaints and suggestions, contact the manufacturer!

My mother used to say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Lovely woman. Useless surgeon.

My wife and kids are threatening to walk out of the house because of my addiction to horse racing.

And they’re off!

My brothers inability to find a parking space is really starting to effect him.
Poor guy, he's going through a Lot right now.

What did you call your son studying Law at the university??

My 'Son in law'

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my three brothers...

My wife's friend: do you ever wake up sweaty in the morning?
My wife: no, he has his own alarm.

I visit my Uncle once a month to help him apply his Fake Tan.
He always refers to me as the 'Sun He Never Had'.

My grandfather was always terrible until I had my first child.

Now he’s a great grandfather.

We were arguing about the calculator again, its been causing division in our family.

He didn't tell his mother that he ate some glue. His lips were sealed.

If raising children were easy, it wouldn't start with something called labor.

My mother told me a million times not to exaggerate.

What do you call a short mother?
Minimum.

I once asked my mother if I was a gifted child. She said they certainly wouldn't have paid for me.

“Grandbrother” sounds much cooler than uncle.

As a kid my parents could only afford a second hand calculator which was missing the X button. Times were hard!

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

My father and I strongly believe the world would be better off without clichés.
Like father, like son.

Who is the most helpful sibling?
A sister.

How do you make antifreeze? Steal her blanket.

Son:Dad will you do my maths homework for me tonight?
Dad: No,son,it wouldn’t be right.
Son:Well,just do your best.

If you’re no longer covered by your parents health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty has expired...

When my grandkids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.

Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that crap!

When I was a child my neighbours used to say that I was wild and didn't have the manners of a pig but my grandad stood up for me. He told them that I did!

What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.

How do you make antifreeze?
Steal her blanket!

My granddaughter Eva: “Make a noise like a frog , Granddad.”
Me: Why on Earth should I do that?”
Eva: “ Daddy says when you croak we are all going to Disneyland.”

My brother asked me a few days ago. Do you know how to put these table and chairs together?
I said I had no IKEA.

Little girl: "Grandma you’ve had four husbands in your long life , what did they all work as?"
Grandma: "The first was a banker , the second a circus acrobat, the third was a tailor and your grandad is an undertaker".
Little girl: "Wow different jobs!"
Grandma: "Yes it’s one for the money, two for the show , three to get ready and four to go".

My brother called me from his prison quarters. He has a cell phone.

I once persuaded my brother to swallow a torch.

It was worth it just to see his little face light up.

All of my uncles are trained police snipers, unlike my grandpa, who was a committed bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by family.

Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA...
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!

My parents raised me as an only child. Which really annoyed my younger brother.

My wife married me because she heard that I was well off. After getting to know us she realized my entire family was a little off.

A father is someone who has photos in his wallet, where the money used to be.

My brother accidentally poured Tomatoes on my body, now I'm dirty from my head
To-ma-toes 😂😎

I inherited my dad's sense of humor.
He's not funny either.

My kids were fighting over the last slice of cake.

I ran over and ate it myself just to keep the piece.

My Dad was a conjoined twin.
I used to call his brother....
my uncle on my dad's side. 😂

I went by the house I grew up in and asked if I could come in and have a look around.
They said no and slammed the door.
Parents can be so cruel.

I love all my children equally. Except for the one that sleeps... I love that one more.

What do you call a small mother?

A minimum!

You can't choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

2 out of 3 isn't bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out of 3 kids.

My daughter asked me what it was like to have kids, so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.

I think it's a lovely tradition where people name their kids in honour of past members of the family.

My son Grandpa doesn't seem to agree though.

I'll never forget my sons first words...

"Where the fuck have you been for the last 20 years?"

Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies, "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!"

Tom buys a Harley Davidson. The seller tells him, "Whenever it's going to rain, rub vaseoline on the chrome so it won't rust."
That night, his girlfriend takes him to meet her parents. But just before they go in she says, "I have to tell you, when we eat, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner, has to do the dishes."
They sit down and no one says a word.
As dinner... goes on, Tom decides to test the situation. So he reaches over and grabs her boob. Nobody says a word. So he stands up, rips her clothes off and screws her right there, in front of her parents. But no one says a word. So he grabs the mum, bends her over the table and nails her, then sits down. But still, silence. All of a sudden there's a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Tom remembers his bike, so he pulls out the vaseoline. The dad jumps up and says, "fuck off, i'll do the dishes."

My mum always insists she doesn't have a 'favourite' child.
Which is pretty upsetting because i haven't got any brothers or sisters.

I was so ugly as a child,mam and dad played hide and seek with me, I'm still looking for them.

My wife and family are threatening to leave me because of my obsession with horse racing, they're at the gate now ... and they're off.

I took my wife out for our anniversary dinner last night and she kept saying she wanted to pay for the meal.

"Don't be stupid," I said, "we're halfway down the road now, just keep running".

My wife is so organised, I told her I wanted to be cremated, she's already booked an appointment for Monday.

A husband and wife are having major problems after 15 years of marriage, so they go to a counselor.
The counselor asks them what the problem is. The wife launches into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.
Finally, the counselor gets up, walks around the desk, embraces the wife and kisses her very passionately. The woman shuts up and stares at him quietly in a daze, the husband is shocked seeing his wife speechless.
The counselor then turns to the husband and says, "Your wife is just lonely. That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?"
The husband thinks for a moment and replies, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but Tuesdays I play poker, Thursdays I go bowling, and Fridays I go sailing. Do you work Saturdays?"

I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying,
"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this,
"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said,
"I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting.

I finally realised my parents favoured my twin sister when they asked me to blow up balloons for her surprise birthday party.

I saw my wife, slightly drunk, yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church, you moron."
She was watching our wedding video again.