Wordplay Wonderland: Puns That Will Leave You Punderstruck!

My tailor really likes fixing my clothes. Or sew it seams.

My new job inspecting feathers has me feeling down!

I’m leaving the hair styling industry. It’s a permanent decision.

My taxidermist friend invited me over for dinner. After the meal, I was stuffed.

There was a robbery at my local laundry. A couple of pegs held up a shirt.

Someone poured a tin of purple paint over me.

I felt violated.

My refrigerator has quite a temper.. I accidentally left the door open and it totally losts it's cool.

I’ve always thought that a talented butcher would be wonderful to meat.

I was watching court TV today. A man was being charged with stealing luggage. The whole trial took 3 minutes......

It was a briefcase.........

What did the glass full of water say to the glass half full of water?

"You look drunk"

The Carpenters came to the house today when I was at work……when I got home I asked if they were done, they said we’ve only just begun.

No matter how hard you try to beat the clock, you always have to buy a new one the next day.

Why do we say earring and nose ring but not finger ring?

I hate talking to people who, ‘Spray it, when they say it.’
They irrigate me.

If the Internet had a boat, where would they park it? In Google Docs.

I am very upset my scale broke . We have been together through thick and thin.

Comedians' favorite soup requires funny bones in laughingstock.

- Was I right to take in this cannibal as a lodger?
- Hmm .. that's a tough decision.
- I know, it's been eating away at me all day.

I was gonna throw all my socks away,
.
but I got cold feet.

I was drinking my milkshake on a cliff and thought: Wow this is ledge n dairy.

I asked an astronaut how he blew his nose in space and he told me "snot rocket science, kid."

I tried to pack myself into a small box...
.
I can hardly contain myself.

I once asked a taxidermist what he does for a living. He said: Oh, you know.....stuff.

I like to talk about the Titanic whenever i meet someone new.

It's a great way to break the ice.

I was carried to a hospital after falling into a well. I've had much support from well-wishers.

I knew a girl named pickles.

I relished her.

My wife got a pedicure and I was left to foot the bill.

The lingerie owner didn't know how well he was doing. He was underwear of his success.

I remain alert by taking Ballet lessons.
.
It keeps me on my toes.

Recycling is all of the cycling I am doing right now.

The girl next door eloped with her boyfriend. On their way to the wedding, they saw some antelope. On their way home, they saw some postelope.

Saw a meteor shower. Apologized to it for invading its privacy.

I bought a wooden whistle...
But it wooden whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle.
But it steel wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle.
But it steel wooden lead me whistle.

I met a guy who painted names and numbers on underwater vessels. He was a sub scriber.

Some people pick their nose.

I feel like I was just born with mine.

How does the Easter Bunny travel?
By hare plane!

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet...

I can tell, just by looking at them, if people are lying.

I can also tell if they're standing.

Determined to catch a mouse, so I am lying on the floor with some cheese in my open mouth. I wait with baited breath.

I am retired in the sense that I was tired yesterday and I am tired again.

I've decided I'm going to change my footwear from laces to Velcro.
Why knot?

Last night I dreamed I was a mortgage.

When I woke up, I was a loan.

Have you ever heard the story of the blind carpenter? He picked up his hammer and saw.

I think I’m addicted to horoscopes. I can see all the signs.

My dryer door keeps popping open during use.
If it does it one more time, that's it.
I'm throwing in the towel.

I’ve never understood the concept of a horizon. It’s completely beyond me.

If you visit the Museum of Natural History, please don't feed the animals.
They're stuffed!

Indoor skydiving.
Huge fan.

Do you think Friday the 13th is scary? No, but Fri 10, maybe.

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs.

The living room curtains were drawn, but the rest of the furniture was real...

Cannibal lions swallow their pride.

What do you call chess players bragging in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

Why can’t vampires bite snowmen?
They’ll get frostbite.

Went to a railway themed fancy dress party.
Everyone was on platforms.

How do you shut a wardrobe's door?
You closet.

A con man’s greatest asset
is his lie-ability.

I was thinking about learning Finnish.
But I didn't know where to start...

What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-Morse code.

Did you know?

When a woman is giving birth, she is literally kidding...

It’s frustrating going to the post office this time of year. I stamp my feet a lot.

When I saw the broken elevator I just couldn't help but stair.

I asked my parachute instructor what happens if it doesn't open. He said you're jumping to a conclusion.

Did you hear about the guy that got arrested for stealing hay? He made bale.

On the freeway today I passed a guy with a loom on his front seat.
He was weaving all over the place.

I need to cut my fingernails before they get too out of hand.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

The fact that some people can't distinguish between etymology and entomology bugs me in ways I can't put into words.

My door was ajar, so I added jelly, now it's a door jam.

What do you get when you mix a tortoise with a porcupine?
A slow poke.

This year I vow not to tell any jokes about Thanksgiving leftovers. I'm going to... (wait for it) ...quit cold turkey.

So I opened up a shop selling uncaged birds.
They just flew off the shelves!

If you accidentally swallow a tool, it will more than likely be gut wrenching.

What did the leaning tower say to Big Ben. “If you have the time,I have the inclination

I'm not sure whether or not to quit my job as a hot air balloon instructor. It's all a bit up in the air at the moment.

Sick and tired of my archery teacher: way too arrowgant!

A dentist and a manicurist argued about their respective career choices. They fought tooth and nail.

The best example of period furniture is the electric chair -- because it ends a sentence!

Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right, so I left.

What do you call a really sleepy egg?

Egg-zosted!